Thinking in Little Green Boxes
by Diresquirrel
Summary: A certain young wizard ends up at 4 Privy Drive instead of 4 Privet Drive. He is raised with loving care by a cuddly Merc with a Mouth. WARNING: now with 19.96% more Death Eaters and a Rodent of Death.
1. 4 Privy Drive

I, Deadpool, awoke to the sound of a screaming baby. Opening the front door, I immediately checked to see if I was still thinking in those little yellow boxes.

_"Yes I am,"_ said the little yellow box.

"Isn't this supposed to be a secret safe house?" I asked the little yellow box.

_"A _very_ safe house,"_ agreed the little yellow box.

"And it's supposed to be empty, right?"

_"Exactly,"_ said the little yellow box.

"So someone left a baby on the step of an empty house?"

_"Yes they did."_

"Thank you little yellow box!"

Apparently this had quieted down the baby. I immediately terrified him by taking off my mask. Satisfied, I went back to the couch to watch my soaps. Unfortunately the child was well able to drown out "Passions."

"What does it want?" I asked the little yellow box.

_"Is it hungry?"_ Asked the little yellow box.

"Let's ask someone else," I suggested for the both of me. Pulling a phone out, I dialed my old buddy's number. "Copy Cat!"

"Deadpool, what do you want?"

"I'm not being drawn by Rob Liefeld right now am I?"

"What?"

"It's a serious question," I said, pulling the basket of baby inside. I grabbed a week old sub from the fridge and munched down. "He makes men look like they've got bigger boobs than She-Hulk."

"I have no clue what you're talking about."

"Too bad, you should have seen Captain America's rack, it was huge. Oh, well," I said, mumbling around the sub sandwich. "So what shuts babies up?"

"Oh please tell me you don't have a baby right now."

"I don't have a baby right now," I answered. Copy Cat gets a little cranky sometimes. Telling her what she wants to hear usually cheers her up.

"What's its name?"

"I dunno. I think it's on the basket," I said, glancing at the card in the blanket. "Harry. You don't look like a Harry. I think I'm going to call you Arthur instead…Or maybe Bea. Arthur Bea Wilson. Arthur B. Wilson? Too politician. A. Bea Wilson? Nah, too lawyer."

"Why are you renaming the kid?" she asked me. There was a pause as Copy Cat, AKA Copy Cat, pondered over my predicament. "Wait, I don't want to know. Where are you?"

"I'm in my safe house."

"And where did you find the baby?"

"On my doorstep," I said glancing at the card. "Oh, they got the address wrong. He was supposed to go to 4 Privet Drive. This is 4 Privy Drive."

"…Deadpool, wait right there," she said. For some strange reason she sounded worried. I pushed it out of my mind as Arthur started to wail again. It was a while later when Copy Cat finally showed. She immediately proclaimed Arthur to be cute. I immediately took offense. Pouting under my mask, I suddenly realized I was not wearing a leg bandoleer.

"No pouches! Yay! That means it's not Liefeld."

"I still don't know what you're talking about," Copy Cat said to me.

* * *

"What is the matter Albus?"

"Forgive me, Minerva, I'm just concerned that the blood wards haven't activated yet," Albus Dumbledore said in his usual concerned tone.

"Give it time," McGonagall recommended. "All will work out in the end."

"I do hope so," the Headmaster said quietly. "I certainly do hope so."


	2. Chapter 2

Needless to say, I decided to keep Arthur. It took some getting used to, but I managed to beat Cable once with his help.

"CABLE!"

"Deadpool," he said, gritting his teeth. I'd been paid to pick up this little piece of something that someone wanted. Meh, I don't even remember what it was. But here Cable was and all his little…New Monkeys? Wait that wasn't right. X-Funk? Nope. Whatever.

"Cable!" I waited a few beats, but he just braced himself for my attack. "No, no, no, no. You're supposed to say my name again. Cable! Deadpool. Cable! Deadpool. Like that!"

"I don't care what you're here for, but I'm going to stop you," that fun loving, techno-organic infested, telepathic mutant said in a sweet tone.

"Fine," I said, reaching behind me and pulling out a strangely shaped sword.

"hehehhehehehe," giggled Arthur the Katana.

"Deadpool, I don't know what you're doing with that kid, but you'd better put him down now," Cable growled at me.

"Arthur! What are you doing where my sword should be?"

"It's Harry!" I sighed. Poor little Arthur, he still refers to himself by that ridiculous name. I blame Copy Cat. She caught him when he was young. He giggled again. "And your sword is over your other shoulder."

Right. I knew that.

"Wait, is he your kid?" Asked the amazingly beautiful and super sexy Syren, that Irish Goddess who haunts my dreams and I occasionally teleport next to while she's sleeping. Did that show up in a little yellow box? Cool. We're good.

"Sort of. Someone dropped him on my doorstep a while back," I replied. I have it on good authority that chicks dig guys good with kids. I might not know who that authority is, but I'm pretty sure I've got them stashed in my closet somewhere. "We've been together ever since. Isn't that right?"

"Yup!" nodded an enthusiastic Arthur the Katana. I put him back on my back so he became Arthur the Backpack accessory again and then pulled out my sword. As little Arthur regaled them of our adventures over the past two years (and a few that only took place when we played decapitate-the-GI-Joe), I maneuvered things so I could sneak the data disk, yeah, that's what it was, and put it in my pocket. "And that's when Daddy Deadpool cut off the guy's arm like this!" Little Arthur made a slashing motion with his hand.

It worked out pretty well. Cable and his merry band weren't about to shoot me with a kid on my back.

* * *

"Hey Arthur!"

"I'm Harry!"

"Whatever," I said. Poor, poor boy. So young to have an identity crisis. "I'm gonna go kill some guys, so you hang out in the Reptile house until I'm done."

"Yay!" It really makes me proud when he cheers me on. So I went off to shoot some guy for money while little Arthur played with the snakes. He really loves snakes for some reason.

After two bullets and two dead bodies, I went back to find the place in an uproar. Here comes Arthur with two hands full of python.

"I didn't know this was a petting zoo."

"He told me it was cool."

"Who told you?"

"Nancy," he said holding up the snake. "He's really happy to be free. He eats birds and rats and says he likes the slow, fat ones best. He also ate a cat once."

"How'd you find all this out?"

"He told me."

Under my mask, I was starting to cry tears of joy.

"Arthur! Your first Super-power!" I screamed, pulling the six year old into a hug. Picking him up, we walked out with a python named Nancy and $65000 in cash after I killed those guys. It was the best father's day ever!

* * *

Arthur and I had years of fun after that. But it was all about to end because of some guy called Black Swan. This was a serious thing, so I really needed to explain to Arthur the how and why of death.

"Arthur?"

"Yeah?"

"Next time I kick it, you get all my doorknobs," I said in all seriousness. "And my money goes in your college fund until I get better. And then I get to spend it any way I want."

"How do you know you'll get better?"

"It's my name on the title of the comic. They never kill off the title character permanently," I replied.

"Okay," he said before going back to watching the Golden Girls. I've trained him so well. *sob* I'm just so proud.

* * *

And then I died.


	3. Chapter 3

"Uh, why is there a giant box with red ribbon next to the gate?" Cyclops asked to no one in particular. Truth be told, no one had an answer. He looked at it for a while, inspecting without touching it. Hanging off one side was a large tag that said: Charles Xavier, Westchester NY. Cyclops straightened his ruby glasses and stepped back. "I think I'll just have Hank see if it's a bomb."

"Achoo!"

"Did your bomb just sneeze?" Jean Grey asked. Cyclops shrugged and pulled the ribbon off and lifted the lid. Inside was a particularly cold small boy with brown hair, several full backpacks and a very cold and very large python.

"Hi!" the kid said eagerly. He held up a card. "I'm looking for a bald guy in a wheel chair. Is this the right place?"

The look Cyclops and Jean Grey shared was of equal parts amusement and confusion. "Yes, you could say we know someone like that."

"Great! Cuz I've been out here for five hours and it's kinda cold," the kid said with a wide grin.

"What's your name kid?"

"Harry!"

"Um…" Cyclops said. "The box here says you're Arthur Bea Wilson. Where have I heard that name before?"

"Nope, that's just what daddy used to call me before he kicked the bucket," Harry said in a friendly tone as he climbed over the side of the box.

"You-your father's dead?" Cyclops had a flash of memory from his own hard childhood.

"Yeah," Harry said in the same tone you'd use for running out of milk. Jean Grey took the boy by the hand.

"Let's go inside and warm you up," she said with a smile. Glancing up at her boyfriend, she motioned for him to bring the box.

"Oh, right."

* * *

For a guy in a wheel chair, Charles Xavier was pretty impressive. And he had a big house. He also had a very shiny head. The man in question rolled up to his desk as little Harry sat in an overly large chair on the other side.

"Now, Harry, do you know why your father sent you to the Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters?"

"Nope. He just said to talk to the bald guy in the wheel chair," Harry said with a grin.

"The letter says you, er, "have the mutant ability to talk to snakes". Is that correct?" Professor Xavier asked, looking at the letter with more than a little disbelief.

"Yup!"

"I have to admit that you are rather young for a mutant power, being all of nine years old," the professor said, slightly probing the boy's mind with his telepathic powers. Harry shrugged and grinned.

"What else could it be?"

"Yes, well, why don't you write down your address for me while I take care of something," the professor said. As Harry started writing, the Professor contacted his students with the power of his mind. [Harry seems to be telling the truth, his father did send him here, but he seems to have something guarding his thoughts. A presence, if you will. I cannot penetrate much further than his memories of countless Golden Girls episodes.]

[Is he a danger?] asked Jean Grey telepathically.

[I do not believe so,] responded the professor. [He seems to be convinced that his father's death is temporary.]

[Trauma can have odd effects on children,] commented Scott Summers.

[As it is, I have decided to let him stay here while we investigate what happened,] Xavier said. [Perhaps he is a mutant. For now, we don't know. Although that would be a rather obscure ability.]

* * *

As time went by, Harry actually fit in fairly well. He managed to get along with everyone except for one. Jubilee found him extraordinarily annoying, but that was to be expected.

"He's just a kid," Jean Grey said.

"He's a creepy little stalker!" protested Jubilee, snapping her gum in punctuation.

"He just has a crush on you," Jean said with an amused look. It really was funny. "He just lost his father and he's in shock. It's actually a good thing that he's acting out a little."

"He put his snake in my bed!"

"I'm really hoping that's not a euphemism," grumbled a voice from the kitchen. "Because then Alpha, Beta and Gamma would need to have a talk with the owner of the snake."

"Logan!" Jubilee practically screamed as she gave the hirsute mutant a hug. "Where have you been?"

"Savage Land fighting dinosaurs with Storm and Siryn," he said, lighting a cigar. "So what's been going on?"

"Jubilee's complaining because the new boy has a crush on her," Jean said, struggling to keep from laughing. "He's just 9 and he really doesn't know better."

**"HOLY MARY, MOTHER OF CHRIST!"** Siryn's Irish voice echoed throughout the mansion. The various X-Men in residence ran to find the redheaded mutant being hugged by a nine year old boy. Siryn looked like she was in pure terror.

"Mommy!"

There was a long moment of silence as the X-Men looked at Siryn in shock.

*ahem*

"Theresa, is there something you want to tell us?" Professor Xavier asked in as polite a tone as he could.

"No!"

"Is that a 'No, you don't want to tell us', or a 'No, there's nothing to tell'?" asked Iceman with a grin as wide as the Grand Canyon.

"There's nothing to tell!" exclaimed the panicked woman.

"Bu-bu-but," stammered Harry with crocodile tears in his eyes. Siryn looked into his eyes and had a moment of sudden realization.

"Oh dear, Yee're Deadpool's kid, aren't ye?"

There was another moment of silence at this revelation, a much more worried silence.

"Is this true Harry?" Professor Xavier asked quietly.

"Yup!" Harry said with a winning smile. "He taught me everything I know. Except for, you know, the things he didn't teach me."

* * *

The X-Men's fears were not proven completely valid, although Harry did exhibit some clear bits of personality he got from his father. Deadpool's doorknobs had not come with the boy (though they would not understand why they were put in the will for some time), so they were safe on that front. Harry rarely shut up in public, which everyone agreed was pure Deadpool, but left to his own devices, Harry could spend hours very quietly. That often made people worry more. The final defining trait of Harry, Son of Deadpool, AKA Arthur Bea Wilson, was a dirty, rotten cheater to the core.

"Harry's cheating again!" Jubilee protested as she pointed the golf club at the boy. The X-Men had a rule about sports: no powers. Harry instead tried to find ways to cheat using his only superpower.

"How'd you cheat this time?" Logan said.

"I hit the ball to Nancy; he swallowed it and regurgitated it into the hole," Harry said with a grin.

"How'd you get a snake to do that?"

"I asked him," was all Harry would say.

But Harry tried to use his powers to cheat as often as possible. Sometimes it was harder than others. Snakes wouldn't do anything that would get them hurt, but Harry could often reason with them into his way of thinking. Some sports were easier than others, but Harry still hadn't managed to cheat at basketball yet.

"Try not to cheat too much, Jub might blind you again," Logan said.

"Good point, cuz Oreo is taking us to the Mall later," Harry said. Being blind would definitely cut down on the fun.

"It's 'Ororo,' kid," Logan corrected, and not for the first time.

The mall was spacious. The mall was bustling. The mall was being held hostage by the Serpent Society. Ororo Munroe had dropped off Jubilee and Harry off at the mall. Jubilee, the well experienced mall rat that she was, had ditched Harry in front of the pet shop about two point three minutes after Ororo had left. Harry, nine years old, was left alone in the mall with the Serpent Society.

"!" Harry cackled at the top of his lungs. "You fools! My only superpower is the ability to talk to snakes and you choose this day to challenge me! The day is mine Trebek!"

On the other side of the Mall, currently tied up and held hostage, Jubilee was suddenly very worried. Harry had drawn all the Serpent Society's attention towards him. But on the other hand, Harry had drawn all the Serpent Society's attention towards him. Working ever so carefully, she loosened the rope around her hands; it had a strange texture. Glancing back, she realized it wasn't a rope at all, but a skinny red snake, quite dutifully binding her hands.

Harry on the other hand, suddenly realized everyone was looking at him. "Oops," he said, pulling out a mask. It was patterned after his father's, but with green eyes and black where his father's was red.

_"That's cool! Thanks!"_ Harry said, seemingly talking to no one. _"Whoohoo!"_

The Serpent Society watched all this with a bit of confusion.

"Who are you kid?" asked the guy in the cobra costume.

Harry pulled out a pair of Smith and Wesson doorknobs and said: _"The name's Arthur Bea Wilson, punk. I talk to snakes. And right now, I'm talking to __**you**__."_

And that's when Jubilee started beating her head against the wall.

* * *

NEXT:

Harry verses his most dangerous opponent yet: J. Jonah Jameson!


	4. Chapter 4

**Five minutes later:**

"Great Harry, you draw all attention to yourself, so now we're both captured," Jubilee said to the kid next to her.

_"Who's Harry? I'm Arthur Bea Wilson,"_ said the mysterious masked boy. _"And besides, getting captured was all part of my master plan."_

"And what would that be?"

_"Not getting hit on the head because it hurts," _Arthur said, rubbing his temple. _"And getting close enough to you and the hostages so that we can release them and the Power Pack will keep the super villains occupied until we can attack from behind."_

"The Power Pack?"

_"Yep,"_ Arthur said.

"Great, so the lives of everyone here are dependent on a whole bunch of pre-pubescent kids with sugar highs and delusions of grandeur," snarled a familiar cigar smoking man. "All we need is that Spider-Menace to show up to really ruin my day."

_"Why? Because he'd actually stop them?"_ Arthur asked.

"No because he'd join in," the publisher said, gritting his teeth for the inevitable. "He's a criminal, a menace, he wears a mask, you can't trust a guy wearing a mask."

_"But I'm wearing a mask,"_ Arthur said, pointing to his own masked face.

"You're a kid, it's different," J. Jonah Jameson said, taking another puff on his cigar. "If you're a kid, it's make believe. If you're an adult, it's because you're a masked menace. Of course, that doesn't stop those menaces from corrupting kids."

_"Oh, okay,"_ Arthur said, pondering the implications. _"So Magneto is okay, because you can see his face through the helmet, even if he tries to kill all humans and stuff, but Spider-Man's a bad guy because you can't see his face. Gotcha."_

"That's not rea-" the publisher argued, but he was cut off by Jubilee. With a bit of a growl she held out her wrists, still bound by the little red snake.

"Harr-_Arthur_, why don't you talk to these little snakes and get them to let us go?" Jubilee asked.

"You really can talk to snakes, kid?" Jameson asked, giving the masked kid an askance look.

_"Yup,"_ he said before leaning over and whispering conspiratorially in Jameson's ear. _"It's my mutant power."_

"I somehow doubt that kid," Jameson said, taking a big puff on his cigar. "But do your thing if it can get us out of here."

Arthur talked to the snake a moment in that raspy tongue, and sat up as the snakes let go. _"They say they want better living situations. I told them to unionize."_

And then, just as Arthur had predicted, the Power Pack attacked. Arthur stood up and started shooting at the closest members of the Serpent Society.

"Ow!" Hissed princess python as Arthur shot her. "Wait a minute, he's just got air-soft guns!"

_"Oops,"_ said Arthur, suddenly realizing what had gone wrong. _"I brought the wrong doorknobs."_

"Strangle him," commanded the woman to her massive python. It slithered closer to Arthur, even as the young hero? Semi-Villain? Whatever…even as Arthur shot her friends.

Jubilee stood up and started blinding as many as she could, starting on those that looked the strongest.

Arthur found himself side by side with a super heroine his own age: Energizer of the Power Pack.

"Oh fooie, I need to disintegrate something to shoot my blasts again," she said, pouting. Arthur pointed to a gigantic bargain box outside the local bookstore.

_"It's full of 'Webs' by Peter Parker,"_ he said with a grin. _"Nobody will read that anyway."_

"Thanks!"

By now the massive python was upon them. Arthur waved his hand and spoke to the snake. _"We are not the kid superheroes you are looking for."_

"Oh, okay," said the snake. "Hey, you can talk to me."

_"Yep,"_ Arthur said with a humble shrug. _"It's my superpower. I'd really appreciate it if you'd just hang out."_

"Hey, not problem man. I think I'll just strangle that poodle and watch," said the python, nodding to a hot pink dog. She sounded a little stoned.

_"Sounds like a plan!"_ Arthur said, patting the snake on the head.

"Anaconda! Get him!" commanded King Cobra.

_"Can't you people come up with a better plan?"_ Arthur asked. _"I mean really. I watched __Ghostbusters__ too. It didn't work for them either."_

"I know, that's almost as bad as when my brother tried the 'everything's fine here' on a radio," Energizer agreed.

Anaconda, however, was right upon them. Reaching out, she dove forward, narrowly missing her targets as they jumped to the side.

_"Stretchy arms! You've got stretchy arms! You're not supposed to have stretchy arms!" _

"I think that's the last of our problems," Light-speed said, keeping the super strong villainess occupied as her sister and Arthur scrambled out of the way.

"Damn it," grumbled Jubilee. She was about to stop the light show and go right to blowing them up, now that the hostages were out of the way. This was the tricky part of her powers, getting just the right amount of boom to take the bad guys out and preserve the mall at the same time. If she was just going for non-lethal, she could just blind them until someone could subdue them. Catching Gee's eye, she nodded and blinded three of them with her light blasts. Gee grabbed King Cobra by the ankle, hefting him up with his power of gravity manipulation. A quick toss later and the Serpent Squad's leader found himself slammed into the floor and suddenly out cold.

_"You guys are awesome,"_ Arthur said, impressed. _"I need more friends my own age."_ Looking up at the remaining members of the Serpent Squad, Arthur gritted his teeth and aimed his doorknobs. _"Now are you gonna quit or are we going to do this the hard way?"_

"Aren't we already doing this the hard way?" Mass Master asked as he solidified into a four inch tall, sixty pound boy on top of Black Mamba's head. As the Serpent Squad saw another of their member go down, they shared a worried glance until Jubilee exploded a flare between them, blinding Bushmaster and Puff Adder and knocking them both on their asses.

_"Sure, but I just wanted to intimidate them,"_ Arthur said with a shrug. _"OOOOO! Light-speed! Buzz them with a sonic boom! Then they'll be blind and deaf!"_

"Wouldn't that deafen everyone in the mall?" Light-speed asked.

_"It won't kill 'em,"_ Arthur said with a shrug.

The resulting deafening shock wave informed Ororo Munroe that there might be a slight problem at the Mall. A few moments of weather based manipulations and the Serpent Squad found themselves deaf, blind and unconscious.

"We totally rule," Harry said, pulling off his mask. He turned to the Power Pack: "We should totally do this again."

"What?" asked Gee, still trying to get the ringing out of his ear. "I can't hear you."

"What?" asked Harry. Energizer couldn't hear either.

Mass Master looked at his older sister and shrugged. "Why weren't we affected?"

"Well, I'm never affected by my powers and you were in cloud form," she said.

"What?" asked Gee and Harry.

Storm, arms crossed over her chest and a furious look on her face, towered over them with a disapproving look. "Would some one care to enlighten me as to how this began?"

"I can't hear you, I'm deaf," said Jubilee, Harry and Gee in perfect unison. "Because of that person." Harry and Gee pointed at Light-speed, but Jubilee pointed at Harry.

"Well," said Julie Powers, AKA Light-speed, pointing to the trussed up Serpent Society, "they started it, but he," she said, pointing to Harry, "made it a whole lot worse."

"Why am I not surprised?" Storm muttered. "Well, at least no one had any permanent injuries. You were smart to get the hostages out first."

* * *

When they finally got back to the Xavier Institute, Jubilee opened the trunk for her packages. Inside was Princess Python's happy poodle eating python curled up around the spare tire.

"Screw this," Jubilee said, slamming the trunk closed. There was no way she was going to stay close to the little creep after he got an even bigger snake. "I'm going to the Salem Institute."

* * *

J. Jonah Jameson stormed into the editorial office, puffing a cigar and grinding his teeth at the same time. It was an impressive feat. Slamming down into his chair, he bellowed into the newsroom. "Robbie! Parker!"

"Yeah Jonah?"

"What's up Mr. Jameson?"

"I want a front page expose on the mall hostage situation," Grumbled the Editor in Chief. "Parker, go get pictures of the Power Pack and Jubilee, I don't know who she was, but she was with one of the X-Men. We're doing a story on the corruption of youth in superhero culture. NOW PARKER!"

* * *

The next day:

Harry looked up at Jean Grey with tears in his eyes. The newspaper was abandoned on the table. The front page showed Storm, Jubilee and the Power Pack superimposed on the Mall as cops took the Serpent Society into custody. "He didn't mention me!" Harry made a fist. "You'll pay Jameson!"

Jean just pulled him into a hug and patted his head. "Now, now Harry. Stop talking like a super-villain."


	5. Chapter 5

"Arrrthur! I'm baaaack!" came the familiar singsong voice from his window. Harry jumped out of bed and gave his resurrected father a hug.

"Dad! I defeated the Serpent Society!"

"I heard, good job," Deadpool said, grinning under his mask. "What do you say we have a nice Father/Son camp out on X's lawn?"

"I think it would be awesome," Harry said. Climbing out from his second story window, he slid down the vines and landed next to his old man. The fire was nice. They dug a hole right in the yard and filled it with sticks and started a fire.

"I got you some presents," Deadpool said, reaching into a bag. He pulled out two packages. The first was round and wrapped up in gold colored paper. The other was flat and wide, like a picture frame. Harry chose to open the flat one first. It was green and black. Harry grinned like a Latverian peasant who just got a visa to leave the country.

"Dad! I always wanted my own thought box!"

**'Is it working?**' thought Harry in the little green box.

**'I think it is,' **thought Deadpool in his own little yellow box.

"We're good," said Harry with a little thumbs up.

"Open your other one. I'm really proud of it." Harry gave it a little shake. There was a sound like something throwing up from inside the ball. Peeling off the paper, Harry revealed a tiny gray person in a funball.

"Awe! It's my own supervillain!" Harry exclaimed with glee.

"Wilson! I'm gonna F#cking kill you for this," bellowed the diminutive Rhino. "You're giving me to your goddamned kid? You're gonna die flat Wilson! Flat and Slow!"

"What? It's better than being flushed," Deadpool said with a shrug. "It's your own fault. You shouldn't do what you did."

"What did he do?"

"It was a fate worse than death," Deadpool said in all honestly. "It was disco."

The look on Harry's face was remarkably similar to people who witnessed mass atrocities: Galactus level atrocities. Seeking to change the subject, Deadpool looked up and saw a snowy owl staring at them from a branch with a letter in its mouth.

"You know, Arthur, I'm getting kinda hungry," Deadpool commented to his son. "How does owl sound?"

"Hooo! Hooo! Hooo!" Harry said with a grin.

* * *

Dear Daddy Deadpool,

Thanks for the birthday presents a while back. Too bad Logan tried to kill you. But I know you'll get better. It was just an arm after all. And thanks for the roast owl. It wasn't quite as good as bald eagle, but it was better than macaw.

I'm using the thought box to think right now. The new pet is great. Nancy and the snakes think he's great fun. Scotty Summers (he hates it when I call him that) found out about the new pet and tried to take him away from me. They said it wasn't ethical, whatever that means. I just asked if it was better for him to be out causing mayhem. The Professor said he'd think about it. So for now Aleksei's staying with me. Did you know they've got all of Dazzler's albums here? They even have a few recordings that never went on record. Aleksei's listening to all of them. I'm still thinking of painting his fun ball red and white.

Weird things are happening. Owls keep showing up. I was going to kill a few and put them in the freezer, but Logan says some of them are endangered. But he agrees they taste good. He recommends having them with baked apples. I think we should try that next time. Right now, the X-Men are capturing the owls and handing them over to Fish and Game and seeing if it's an attack from my arch enemy who can speak to owls. Owls vs. Snakes. Makes sense to me.

There are letters for some guy called Harold Potter. I wanted to open one up, but Jean says it's not nice to open other people's mail. It's too bad. Somebody really wants to get in touch with this guy.

I'm doing well in my classes. It's funny cuz most of these guys only teach people a little older than me, and I'm keeping right up in everything but Ethics. I don't know why I'm not doing well. Gambit says it's because I inherited your moral flexibility. He didn't explain what it was. And what does Thomas Lock have to do with anything? I really like biology the best because we get to dissect live frogs while they're alive. It's all very Frankensteinian. I named mine Ribbet Mortis. It was fun until it zipped up its stomach and jumped out the window. I didn't know frogs could do that.

I somehow manage to turn Professor X blue. He wasn't happy. I tried to turn him back, but he ended up hot pink. They're doing tests to see if it's part of my mutant genome. I know I didn't do it on purpose the first time, (they think it was an accident the rest of the times). I also turned Beast's fur invisible, which is cool for him, cuz he looks more human now, but he also keeps forgetting he's got fur, so his clothing looks all puffy. He's also looking balder than the Professor. Well, I've got to go walk the snakes and feed them stray cats and dogs. They don't like mice anymore. I'll write you later.

Your son,  
Harry  
Arthur Bea Wilson (after I put on the mask)

PS Logan says to try Snowy Owl with applesauce next time.

* * *

"Professor! I just saw a giant guy hanging outside the gate," Iceman reported. "He wore a trench coat, so I wonder if he's going to attack the mansion."

"Was he carrying anything?" the professor asked.

"An umbrella," Iceman reported.

"Could be a concealed gun," Logan said before taking a swig of his beer.

"Do nothing unless he enters the compound," the professor said.

The man in question walked around the outside several times. He seemed confused by the entrance. He tried the gate, but it was securely locked.

"It's like he doesn't want to barge in and he doesn't know how to use a doorbell," Iceman commented. They watched at the hulking figure paced around the front of the gate.

"I'm going to just call the police," said Professor X.

* * *

"Care to tell me what you're doing here?" the officer asked.

"I er, I need to get inside," said the hulking figure.

"And why is that?"

"I have business inside," he replied.

"That's not what the owner of the house said when he called us," the patrol officer said. "He said you'd been pacing out here for nearly a half hour. What's your name mister?"

"I er, Hagrid," the large man said. "Rubeus Hagrid."

"Why don't you come down town with us and we can sort all this out?"

"I'm rather busy. I need to talk to a boy in there," Hagrid said, pointing to the mansion behind him.

"Despite the fact it tends to suffer massive damage on a regular basis, the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning is a prestigious private school for gifted people. Strictly invitation only," the second officer said. "If you were supposed to be inside, you would already be inside."

Soon enough, the officers were guiding the large man into the back seat.

"'business with a boy'? Honestly, I don't know where these perverts come from," the patrolman said, the other cop just shook his head sadly. Both gave a respectful nod to the mansion before they drove away.

* * *

Three weeks later, there was a middle aged man in a dress at the front gate. It was the kind of dress that went out of fashion in the late 50s and had obviously been discolored by age. Carefully, he leaned over and pressed a button on the gate intercom.

"Uh, hullo?"

Scot Summers was the first to reach the intercom. "Yes?"

"Uh, is there a Mr. Harry Potter there?"

"No, and please stop sending letters to him here," Cyclops said.

"Oh, so the owls were arriving," the man said in surprise. "That means he is here."

"There is no one by the name of Potter here," Cyclops said with an exasperated sigh.

"Um, brown hair, green eyes and a scar on his forehead?" the voice through the intercom asked. Scott and Jean shared a look.

"Why don't you come up and we'll talk this over," Jean said, pressing the button to open the gate. "If he doesn't behave, we can just read his mind to find out. There's nothing he can do here."

"It's a guy in a dress," Scott said in disbelief.

"Yes, dear, some people do that," Jean said.

"I'm just saying usually transvestites have a little better sense of fashion. It's like a muumuu's primordial ancestor," Scott commented as they watched the guy enter the compound. The guy waddled up to the door where he was met by a particularly annoyed Rogue. Without a word she just picked him up by the shirt and dragged him to the living room.

"Did I interrupt something?"

"Yes!" snarled Rogue, glancing over her shoulder at Gambit.

"Oh, sorry," said the manhandled man. She deposited him right in front of Professor Xavier.

"Do sit down, Mr…?"

"Weasley, Arthur Weasley," the man said. He glanced around. "Where is Harry? I was hoping to meet him."

"Harry is currently away while he assists one of my fellow professors," Xavier lied smoothly. Truth be told, Harry had hidden himself away in the Black Bird when Logan and a few others were heading down to the Savage Land. They were expected back sometime that afternoon.

"Oh, well, Professor Dumbledore wanted me to pick him up after Hagrid vanished," Arthur said.

"So you are associated with the man who was arrested three weeks ago," the professor asked calmly. He started reading the man's mind. Arthur Weasley was positively ecstatic about the possibility of getting arrested.

"Oh, blimey, I've never been arrested by muggle cops. Do you think I could before I go back to England?"

"I think there might be a distinct possibility of that happening, yes," the professor said blithely. Scott, looking on, wisely covered his face to hide the grin. Jean had to almost leave the room. "So, why don't you tell us exactly why you are here?"

"Well, ten years ago Harry's parents were killed and Harry was brought to his aunt and uncle's place. Only they never got him," Arthur said.

"We have only your word on that," the professor said. He passed on his mental reading to his watching students. [He believes everything he is saying. There is more, something about Harry defeating a Dark Lord. He's so afraid of the person, he refuses to even think the name.]

"Well, Harry's got some good magic in him and since he's turning eleven this summer, we figured he should go to Hogwarts," Arthur Weasley said. He was frantically glancing around. "Oh, is that a twelly?"

"I assume you mean 'telly' the British slang for television," Professor Xavier said in a dry tone. "Now getting back to-"

"And that's when you came in and attacked the T-Rex," an excited ten year old voice said from the other room.

"Yeah, I remember that part," Logan said, using a claw to cut the end off a new cigar. "What made you think crawling into a Rex nest was a good idea?"

"I was going to get a couple of eggs to hatch," Harry said honestly.

"Well, I guess Harry's back," Arthur said excitedly as the two walked into the living room

"So, who's the guy in the dress?"

* * *

Later, after a few things were explained:

"I'm a wizard?"

"Yes, Harry, like your father before you," Arthur said.

"Wait, let me call my dad and ask him about this," Harry said, pulling out a cellphone. He let it ring for a while before Daddy Deadpool picked up. "Hey, Daddy, it's me." Harry listened for a bit and then turned back to the others. "He's in the process of killing a Genosian mutant labor baron that escaped with his millions after you guys busted up the place."

The X-Men suddenly had a very worried look on their faces. There was a loud bang from the phone's speaker.

"Oh, are you done?" Harry asked. "Oh, cool. There's a guy in a dress here…yeah, that actually is what I called you about… … … Oh no, he claims I'm a wizard…Yeah, he wants to take me to some place in the UK…No, I don't think he wants to give me Excalibur, although that would be totally awesome. Wait are we talking about the super team or the sword? Oh, the sword, well that makes more sense…No, he's trying to turn on the TV…I don't know why, it's kinda like he's never seen one before in his life…Yeah, freaky…the dress is too old to look good on Bea Arthur…Al Franken maybe…Oh Tony Stark certainly... so you did find me in England…Oh, thanks…No, Aleksei is doing great. I got him a new cage…I tried to get Hank to program the danger room to make a mouse maze for him, but he wouldn't do it…Okay, cool, later."

Harry looked up at the adults. "Wow, I just found out I'm British. Does anyone have a Walther PPK? I'm fresh out."

After another bit of sorting out the facts, Arthur and Harry sat down under the watch of Cyclops and Jean. They pretended to be playing cards, but were watching the situation quite intently.

"My last name is Potter?"

"Yes, an old and noble wizarding name."

"No it's not," Harry said. "It's a guy who makes pots. And not the kind you smoke."

"Yes it is," Arthur Weasley argued.

"Look, I like playing in the mud as much as the next kid, but that's a work name, not a noble name," Harry said. "McCoy, Grey, Summers, those could be noble names. Potter's the name of a peasant."

"There have been many wizards from the Potter family since ancient times," Arthur explained. "You are the last of their kind."

"So wait, let me get this straight," Harry said. "You come here, tell me I've got this power. Ends up my parents are dead and this Dark Lord killed them. You say with training I can use the same power my father had. Isn't this where you give me my father's lightsaber and tell me that one day I too can become a Jedi?"

"What's a lightsaber? And what's a Jedi?"

"Never mind," Harry said, a little disappointed. He glanced over at Cyclop's shaking shoulders. "Scotty, what's so funny?"

"Nothing, nothing," Scott Summers said before telling Jean to Go Fish. "I just thought of an old joke."

"Okay," Harry said. "So what happens if I choose to go to this Pig's Warts place?"

"Hogwarts is the finest wizarding school in Europe, closely followed by two others," Arthur Weasley said. "Did you say something about a smoking pot?"

"Yeah, but I'm not supposed to know about it," Harry said. He pointed to Iceman who chose right then to walk through. "But I have it on good authority that he can tell you about it though."

"Who me?" asked an overly innocent looking Bobby Drake.

"Yup," said Harry. "So, what proof do you have of this place? And magic? I want some proof."

"Actually, there's a statute of secrecy, so I'm not supposed to cast any spells in front of muggles," Arthur Weasley explained.

"So you want me to believe something and you don't want to give me any proof," Harry said. "And what's a muggle?"

"A non-magical person," answered the visiting wizard.

"Well then show off, we all know about magic, and besides, that law's in England; we're in the States," Harry said. "And I'm pretty sure they don't have extradition for magic use." Harry said. "I mean, Dr. Strange lives in New York City in the funkiest house on the block. Magic isn't really a secret. The Scarlet Witch is an Avenger! Do your woogidy thing and cast!"

"Who is Dr. Strange?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "Great, the wizard here doesn't even know this dimension's Sorcerer Supreme. That really instills me with confidence."

[He's starting to talk like you, Jean] Scott told her through their mental link. [Aside from his sarcastic tone.]

[Unfortunately, he still takes after Deadpool the most,] Jean replied.

"Very well," Arthur said with a shrug. He pulled out his wand and turned the coffee table into a bright green sea turtle. Harry looked at it with a certain gleam in his eyes.

"Okay, I'm in, but I get to keep my pets."

* * *

Jean and Scott watched as the child they had grown to see as their own surrogate child packed up to leave for England. Jean was a little saddened by Harry leaving, but she knew he wasn't really hers.

"What is it?"

"It's just, Little Harry's leaving for England to learn a wide range of reality bending powers," Jean said. Cyclops pulled her into a comforting half hug.

"Don't worry, this can't possibly be as bad as the time he stole Dr. Doom's credit card."

In Latveria, a certain monarch was looking at his Visa bill.

_**"Who dares defile DOCTOR DOOM'S credit score?"**_

* * *

Professor Xavier was looking out the window, enjoying the first long stretch of quiet he'd had since Logan took Harry to the Savage Land. His tea was hot, the sun was out and the grass was green. All in all, it was a pretty good day.

"Professor?"

"Yes, what is it Hank?" Charles Xavier asked as he turned around in his hover chair. The blue furred mutant scientist Hank McCoy held a printout in his hands.

"We have the results of the genetic test," Beast said, gripping the paper. "Harry is a mutant."

"Oh, really, then his ability to talk to snakes…?"

"No, that's not his mutant power," said a very worried Hank McCoy. "I didn't want to say anything, considering your…issue."

"Hank, I have long since come to terms with my inability to walk," the Professor said, waving the thought away.

"That's not really what I meant." Hank hesitantly passed the print out over. "Harry's mutant power. It's hair regeneration."

"What?"

"Harry will never go bald."

"Are you serious?"

"And his hair will never go gray," Beast said quickly. The professor gave him a long silent look before just floating back to his office.

And that's why Professor Charles Xavier became Onslaught.

* * *

Next time:

Look out Diagon Alley!


	6. Chapter 6

"So this is Hogwarts?"

"No, Harry, this is Diagon Alley," Arthur said. "The greatest shopping center in the Wizarding World. This is where we'll get everything you need for school."

"Really? Because it looks like the outpatient wing at Arkham Asylum," Harry said. "What? Don't look at me like I'm crazy. I know it's from DC comics. I'm nothing if not a hypocrite."

Arthur shrugged and continued on. "I don't know where Hagrid went to, he was originally supposed to retrieve you, but I'm perfectly willing to help you out. Four of my own children are going to Hogwarts this year. One is the same age as you. Molly!" he called out, waving to a redheaded woman the same age. "Molly, the love of my life," he explained. "My wife of many years."

"Oh, so this is Mr. Harry Potter," she said, holding him by the shoulders. "Oh, you look so much like your father James. But you have your mother's eyes."

"My father's name was James?" Harry asked. He turned to Arthur Weasley. "Why didn't you tell me that?"

"Well, I naturally assumed you'd know your Dad's name," Arthur stammered out.

"I do, it's Wade Wilson," Harry said. "I didn't even know my last name was Potter. What makes you think I'd know my biological parents' names?"

…

…

…

"That was a prompt for you to tell me my mother's name."

"Sorry, Harry, your situation is just so very different from everyone else's," Arthur said. "Molly, why don't you take Ron and get his things. I'm bringing Harry here to Gringott's."

"What's that?"

"The Wizarding Bank. It's run by goblins," the older wizard explained. "There you'll be able to get out some Wizard money from your family's vault."

"Huh, so you guys don't have accounts like the rest of the world," mused Harry.

Gringott's was a strange place. It's not that Harry was unfamiliar with non-humans. It's rather that he wasn't used to them living and working in neo-classical architecture that looked like it was about to fall down.

"This is Harry Potter, he would like to go into his vault to get some money, if you could escort him, please?" Arthur asked politely. "I'll be going to my own."

Harry enjoyed the ride. It was the rather sudden stop that made him want to loose his lunch. The goblin opened the vault and revealed piles of gold, silver and bronze.

"Wow, is this real gold?"

"Yes it is, Mr. Potter," the goblin said. "And it is all yours."

"How much does one of these coins weigh?" Harry asked, holding up a gold coin.

"Three ounces standard, Mr. Potter," the goblin said.

"And how much is this worth in real world money? If I were to exchange them I mean."

"Approximately five British Pounds," the goblin said.

"Okaayy," said Harry. "I'm going to need as many of these as I can carry."

'And then I need to check gold rates,' he thought.

* * *

"'Ey, Art'ur," called out Tom, the landlord of the Leaky Cauldron. "T'at Potter kid's been runnin' back an' fort' t'rough 'ere fer a while. Keeps runnin' to Gringott's an' back."

"I had wondered where he had gotten to," Arthur said with a smile. "Thanks Tom."

Soon enough, Arthur caught Harry as he was passing through once again. "Whoa, Harry, what have you got there?"

"Oh, just a bag of money," Harry said as if it were an everyday occurrence. "Got to get back to the Bank and put this in my account."

"Where'd you get it?"

"Oh, just exploiting a bug," Harry said. "MissingNO's got nothing on this."

"Bugs?" Arthur said, uncomprehending. "MissingNO?"

"It's a muggle thing," Harry said before running back to the Bank. Arthur followed, concerned about what had him in such a tizzy. The young would-be wizard ran right up to the front desk. "Here's the last one for today. Just leave me a hundred galleons and put the rest in my vault."

"Well, Harry, I knew the Potters were well to do, but those are some impressive funds," Arthur Weasley said, squashing a bit of envy.

"Heh, we just got a whole lot richer," Harry said with an exploitative smirk. "So, what's next?"

"Next we get you a wand," Arthur said.

* * *

Ollivander's Wands, the sign said. Not literally of course. Of course not literally. Arthur lead the wayward Harry inside to find a man not unlike the goblins in the bank. The store was filled from floor to ceiling with little boxes, all the same length.

"Little Harry Potter, welcome to Ollivander's Wands," the man said.

"This guy says I need a wand," he said, pointing to Arthur over his shoulder.

"Yes, every witch and wizard has a wand," Ollivander said. He glanced around and picked a box. "Give this a swish."

Harry did so and fireballs went flying out from the tip. Grinning like a madman, he swished it again. "I'll take it!"

Arthur and Ollivander stumbled over themselves trying to tell him that it didn't quite work that way. Ollivander handed him a different one. Lightning bolts.

"Any chance I could get a Wand of Cold as well? That would almost round out the set," Harry said.

"You see, we need to find the wand that will work best for you, not the one that has the most spectacular effect," Ollivander said in a slightly panicked tone. Harry rolled his eyes.

"Fine, I'll take that one too," Harry said in an exasperated tone.

_"It doesn't work that way!" _

"Sensitive much?" Harry said. "I don't know why you want to sell less. I'm willing to buy four wands at full price and you just want to sell me one. Most wizards only buy one, right? You rarely have to replace them. Ergo, you don't have much repeat business. You really aren't much of a businessman are you? This place is probably gonna be boarded up in a few years."

"You ungrateful son of a kronket," Ollivander hissed under his breath.

"I don't know what a kronket is, but I bet my dad could take it," Harry said. They had a staring match for some minutes, neither giving an inch.

"Fine, I'll let you buy the wands, but we're going to find one that fits first," Ollivander grumbled.

Harry grinned. "I totally rule."

* * *

As soon as they were out of the wand shop, Arthur brought Harry to a shop filled with cages. "Here's where you get your familiar Harry."

"What's a familiar?"

"It's a companion animal that performs tasks for you," Arthur explained. "My family has two, an owl and a rat."

"Oh, I don't need one of those," Harry said. "I've got an Aleksei."

"What?" Arthur asked, momentarily shaken. "Must be a muggle thing," he muttered under his breath. "I'd like to hear all about it in the future. But, all the same, you should have at least an owl for communication."

"No, that's why my cell phone is for," Harry said, waving a little black and white phone.

"Oh, I think you'll find the wards in magical places will shock those," Arthur said. "It does so to many muggle artifacts."

"Meh," said Harry with a shrug. "Forge made it."

"If you read the letter, it clearly says you're only allowed an Owl, a Cat or a Toad," Arthur said.

"Well, I've got two pythons and a tiny guy in a rhinoceros costume with an obsession with disco," Harry said.

"Ooo, what's Disco?"

"A travesty against nature," Harry said. "But it helps keep him under control."

"Although I am a little worried about you having snakes," Arthur said. "They might think you're under the wrong kind of influence. But we'll see once you arrive at Hogwarts."

"Hey, with the intent on changing the subject," Harry said, "Why are all these people staring at me?"

"To tell the truth, you're rather famous in the Wizarding World Harry," Arthur admitted. "What with you being the only survivor of when You-Know-Who killed your parents, they were quite impressed. Everyone knows your name. They're so very glad you came to Hogwarts after all those many years."

"Great, so I've been transported to the Elemental Plane of Cheers Reruns," Harry grumbled. "After being ignored as a superhero for two years, I'm a celebrity because my DNA donors kicked it. That makes me real happy." He looked up at Arthur with a flat expression. "That was sarcasm, if you didn't bloody catch it."

"er, yes, well," stammered the older wizard. He pulled out a ticket. "Here's your ticket. Best be off. And here's an owl. I figured you could use one anyway."

Arthur Weasley looked down at Harry with a confused look. "Why are you talking with an English accent now?"

"Oh, I just had the writer retcon me so I always spoke this way," Harry said with a shrug. And then Harry was off. He didn't look back, but if he had he would have seen Arthur Weasley shaking his head sadly.

"Poor boy," Mr. Weasley said. "Doomed to Slytherin. Bloody Yanks."

Harry didn't finish there. Having a huge bag of galleons burning a hole in his pocket, he felt the need to buy as much as possible. Seeing one random wizard he walked up to ask a question.

"Hey, where can I get a Bag of Holding?" Harry asked.

"I'm afraid I don't know what you mean," said the witch.

"A Mary Poppins bag."

"I don't quite know what that means," admitted the witch.

"It's a bag that's bigger on the inside than the outside and keeps things in stasis until they're pulled out," Harry explained.

"Oh, yes, you can get something like that at the trunk shop down the way," she said pointing.

"Thanks!"

"Such a nice boy," said Andromeda Tonks as she walked on towards Twilfitt and Tatting's for a new dress.

Harry continued on to the store in question and bought a small trunk that he was assured would fit everything he had. When he asked if they had kennels for rather large pythons he was sent over to Magical Menagerie.

"I'd like to inquire about the parrot I bought not half an hour ago from this very boutique," Harry said with a grin. The shop keep just looked at him confused. "Never mind. I need a cage for a ninety-five pound python and a supply of food. Then I need a cage for a seventy-three pound boa with a tendency to escape. Nancy really likes toes (which is weird because he's a constrictor type snake), so I have to keep an eye on him. And If I could get a leash for both that would be awesome."

"That's quite an order," the shopkeeper said.

Harry grinned and showed the open trunk full of galleons. "Well I was hoping I could trade some of this for those things I need."

"I think we might be able to figure something out," the shopkeeper said with a grin of greed.

Glancing around he noticed a cage full of pink and yellow balls of fur. "And I'll take all the tribbles you've got."

"Those are puffskeins," the shopkeeper explained. Harry shrugged.

"Whatever, you've got the tribbles, I've got the money and later I can add the trouble," the young wizard said. "Oh, and I need supplies for a three inch Rhino."

"A three inch Rhino?"

"Oh, their all the rage with under aged mutants in Westchester, New York," Harry said. 'Of course, there was only one underage mutant there until recently. Now there isn't any.'

A successful transaction done, Harry continue next shop on his list: Slug & Jiggers Apothecary. There he just walked in, opened his trunk and said: "I'll take it all."

"Material components, familiars, presents, ah-ha! Clothing!" Harry said going over his list. "Madame Maklin's. Sounds like a brothel."

Harry walked inside and tromped right up to the counter. "Hi, I'm looking for some clothing. I lost my last batch in an accident involving cyborgs, a couple of Shiar, a Brood and a bucket of skrull bits, and all I've got left is on my back. I'm looking for a wide range. I'm also looking for presents for people."

"Are you going to Hogwarts as a first year?" Madame Malkin asked from the other side of the counter.

"That's what they tell me," grinned Harry.

"You wouldn't happen to be Harry Potter would you?"

"Nope, I'm his son from an alternate future that no longer exists," Harry said with a straight face. Madame Malkin didn't quite know what to say to that. "Nah, I'm only joking. I am Harry Potter."

"Oh, because that didn't quite make sense."

"Of course not. It's one of the three laws of comic books," Harry said. "One: Trench coats and fedoras are the best disguise anyone can buy, and you'll never be recognized in them. Two: The title character and Jean Grey never die permanently. And Three: Comic book time doesn't make sense."

"I'll, er, I'll have to take your word on that," she said. "Now, what were you saying about clothing?"

He handed her a piece of paper with sizes and photos of the people he was buying for. "I need something for all of them. Since I found the Rare Candy bug in the Wizarding World, I should at least spread it around a little."

Madame Malkin clearly didn't know what to make of that. Instead she hurried into the back room to fill his order.

"So...you are Harry Potter," said a voice behind him. Harry spun around to see a blond kid about the same age.

"Nope, I'm actually a skrull who took Harry Potter's place in an attempt by alien religious extremists to take over the Earth," Harry said. "We copied all the major superheroes."

"What?" the boy looked completely confused.

"Never mind," Harry said. "What's up?"

"Oh, I just overheard your conversation with Madame Malkin," the boy said. He held out his hand. "Draco Malfoy."

"Never heard of him."

"It's my name," Draco said with an annoyed tone.

"Oh, well that would explain why I've never heard of him," Harry said. "I'm Harry, Son of Deadpool." He held up a hand in the Vulcan manner. "Live long and prosper."

"So I hear you were raised by muggles," Malfoy said with a sneer.

"Oh no," Harry said as if he were insulted. "I was raised by mutants, mercenaries and assassins."

Malfoy's jaw just hung low for a moment as he allowed the statement to process. "…what are mutants?"

"People born with power that manifests at puberty. Basically the same as wizards," Harry said. "My mutant power is the ability to talk to snakes. They're good people."

"Mutants or snakes?"

"Oh, snakes certainly, but there's always a range when it comes to people," Harry said. "Magneto and I tend not to get along ever since that incident with the-oh! wait, I was told never to speak of that again. Sorry."

"Well, I hope that when we get to Hogwarts we end up in the same area of the spectrum," Draco Malfoy said.

"I don't know," Harry said. "Were you raised by a wanted mass murder too?"

"No, my father was acquitted," Draco said proudly. Harry was about to reply, but Madame Malkin had come back with his order.

"Are you sure you wanted an 'X' on each set?" she asked.

"Yep," Harry said. "How are the colors?"

"Oh, I found some rather nice pieces," the seamstress said. "Are they with the Salem Institute?"

"Not all of them, but some go or work there," Harry said. Neither realized they weren't talking about the same Salem Institute.

"Draco Malfoy!" said a woman's voice from the door. "What have you been doing? I've been waiting. The train is about to depart."

"Dude, she's got Mom Voice," Harry said. Harry had long since learned to recognize that tone when Jean was speaking to him. "You'd better get going." Harry glanced over to the voice's owner and saw a woman with striking features and a head of blond and black hair. "Draco Dude, your Mom is totally hot." The boy gave Harry a horrified look. Harry just shrugged. "I'm just saying…"

Giving Harry another horrified glance, Draco Malfoy ran to his mother and was escorted out of the shop.

* * *

Harry pushed his cart down the train station looking for the proper platform. 9 and ¾ was not to be found. Just as he was about to ask a conductor, a voice sounded over the intercom. "Super villains are attacking the rail station, please, all people evacuate quickly."

"Stress relief. Oh, thank goodness," Harry said. "Of course, goodness has nothing to do with it."

He pulled on his mask and went looking for trouble.

The trouble in question took the form of two close friends: Thomas Samuel Eamon Cassidy and Cain Marko, better known to the world as Black Tom and the Juggernaut.

"Where's this bank?" the Juggernaut asked, his lumbering stride causing everything to jump along.

"It should be around here somewhere," Black Tom said. They had been hired by a guy in a purple turban and a robe to cause a disturbance at a local bank. Unfortunately, it was no where to be found. Instead they had ended up robbing a gold emporium with a remarkably large stock while looking for directions.

"I don't really care, we've got all this gold," Juggernaut said. "What's the point in looking for something more?"

"Luckily we've already been paid," Black Tom said. "The fool should have given us better directions."

Arthur Bea Wilson, known under the mask as Harry Potter, chose that moment to jump out in front of them.

_"My common sense is tingling," _Arthur said to no one in particular as the Juggernaut pulled back his fist. _"This may have been a bad idea."_

He was proven right when the Juggernaut backhanded him into platform 9 ¾. Arthur looked around, noticing the woman he had met earlier loading children onto a train.

_"Oh, that's where the train was."_ Obviously suffering from a concussion, Arthur nodded to Molly Weasley._ "Sorry Ma'me. I'll be back in just one second." _And with that, he jumped back out onto the normal platform. True to his word, Molly Weasley saw him a second later as he went flying back in, this time in slightly worse shape.

_"Ow," _said Arthur Bea Wilson, rubbing his head. _"Does anyone else hear that ringing sound?"_

And then he saw Juggernaut reaching through the magic wall.

_"You know, I really need a healing factor," _Arthur said in a slurring, punch-drunk manner. _"I think this is going to hurt."_

And yes, yes it did hurt.

_'How am I still conscious,'_ thought Arthur in his little green box. _'something is definitely wrong here.'_

"I might not know your name kid, but that's not going to stop me from squashing you like a bug," the Juggernaut growled out, looming over the masked wizard. Harry jumped onto his feet, he didn't know how, and threw the only thing he could think of. Aleksei Sytsevich, who went by the name Alex O'Hirn but better known as the Rhino, a long time thug and super villain, landed on Juggernaut's face.

Clinging to the metal mask, the tiny guy in the rhino costume screamed in a whiny, high pitched voice that matched his size:

"GET ME OUTTA HERE!"

"Wha-? Rhino?"

"FER BOTH OUR SAKES! GET ME OUTTA HERE! THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!"

_"You know? This goes a lot better when I've got the X-Men around to back me up," _said Arthur in a dazed stupor. He looked over at Molly Weasley, who had pulled out her wand an kept her inquisitive children behind her._ "I'm going to pass out now. Could you put me on the train?" _As he fell to the ground he pointed to his cart. _"My stuff's over there."_

"Rhino? You're a lot smaller than I remember you being," Juggernaut said with a grin.

"Deadpool shrunk me with some kinda gas," the tiny super villain explained as the Juggernaut picked him up between a thumb and forefinger.. "Then he gave me to his kid over there as a pet."

Black Tom and the Juggernaut shared a look bordering on fear. They looked at the Rhino and then they looked at Arthur Bea Wilson's unconscious form. Without a word they put Rhino back in his fun ball and gave a polite wave to Molly Weasley.

"Sorry about the disturbance, ma'me," Juggernaut said before quickly moving in the opposite direction.

"YOU BASTARDS! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME?"

…

"WE'RE ON THE SAME SIDE!"

…

"IT'S A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH!"

…

"TRAITORS!"

* * *

"So you claim that you are here to take the boy out of the country?" asked the cigarette smoking detective.

"I'm not actually supposed to tell you that," Hagrid said. "The headmaster didn't want any of you muggles to know."

"Now, you have to understand, international kidnapping is a serious crime," the detective said. The man's eyes grew wide at the word 'kidnapping.' The detective took another drag on his cigarette butt. "And 'muggles'? Is that some limey slang for cops?"

"Uh, no," said Hagrid. "Is this going to take long?"

"We'll see," the detective said as he stood up. "Wait here, I'll be right back."

Outside the observation room, a younger detective walked up.

"He doesn't have any ID, but there was a strange broken stick in his umbrella," reported the younger detective. "He had gold, silver and bronze coins in his pockets."

"Well, he doesn't think it was illegal," a third detective said. "Looks like a patsy in a bigger scheme. I say we let him go and put a tail on him."

"Let's keep that under consideration," the senior detective said. "Xavier wants to talk to him."

"You're gonna let a cripple in a room with a monster like him?"

"We'll be right outside," the detective. "We can stop him before he can do anything."

Professor Charles Xavier rolled into the observation room, wisely not using his hover chair. "I understand you wanted to enter my school."

"Er, who are you?"

"Professor Charles Xavier," the professor said, silently probing the man's mind. He gave the hulking man a mental prompt: *Speak the truth*

"Actually, Harry's the one I need to see," said the man. "I'm here to bring him to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where his parents went."

"Then you are unaware that he only has permission to attend my school from his father," Professor Xavier said, mentally adding: 'and we only let him do that to save him from himself.'

"Harry's father's dead," Hagrid said. "Died when Harry was one."

"No, he dug a hole in my lawn nearly two years ago," the professor said.

"I'm pretty sure he's dead. I think I'd know if James Potter was still around," Hagrid said. "He was a well known wizard. I remember when he used to help me with the snorkacks and such around the grounds. I think he did it just to get a little firewhiskey, but he was always such a good wizard."

Probing the hulking fellow's mind, Professor X did discover that he believed everything he said. Not saying another word, he wheeled himself out. Motioning the detective over, he let out a sad sigh. "The poor man is insane. He needs a nice warm meal and a padded room to sleep in."

"So no charges?"

"Not unless he tries to attack Harry," Professor X said before rolling down the hall.

* * *

Next:  
Harry Potter Vs. The Sorting Hat


	7. Chapter 7

Harry awoke to find himself in a very comfortable bed in a surprisingly warm and cozy stone room. It had that medieval chic quality so lacking in today's dungeons. He also felt fuzzy. It occurred to Harry, somewhere in his addled mind, that perhaps he was under heavy pain medication of some kind.

"So, Mr. Potter is awake," said an ornery woman. She looked down at him with an expression somewhere between annoyance and the look Jean Grey usually gave him when he had done something she disapproved of. "You have the distinct honor of being the first child to have been sent to me before he ever even boarded the train."

Okay, that was a little strange. But Harry knew he had to get the important things out of the way first. "Where's my mask?"

"That hideous thing? I threw it out," the woman said. The look on Harry's face made his reaction to disco seem like a happy expression. Harry passed out again.

* * *

"Yes, exactly Professor Dumbledore, he asked for his mask," Harry heard the woman say as he awoke for the second time. "He passed out again after I told him I had thrown it out. It was like he'd nearly died."

"It seems he has a rather close connection to it, perhaps Poppy, it should be reconstituted for his well being," an older voice said. Harry opened one eye slightly to see a Gandalf impersonator waving a wand at him and pressing his hand to his forehead. Harry suddenly had the impression of a crazy Professor X with all his hair follicles intact. "Odd, it's rather like there are two people, two personas. There is Harry, and then there is another under the mask. I suppose this is what muggles refer to as a dissociative disorder, or multiple personalities."

"I'd thank you for leaving the diagnosis to me," Poppy said. "And Mr. Potter is awake again." She tossed the mask back down on his chest. "There it is, mended and repaired. This is Professor Albus Dumbledore, the Headmaster. He needs to speak with you."

"Harry, I must say it is a pleasure to see you all grown up," the Headmaster said.

"Sorry Jessica, but we've never met before," Harry said.

"er…who are you speaking to?"

"You."

"My name isn't Jessica," Albus Dumbledore said, more than a little confused. "Would you like a sherbet lemon?"

Harry looked him over again. Pretty much everything about him said "crazy" and that was saying a lot, considering it was coming from the Son of Deadpool ™. Now, the first thing that went through Harry's head is particularly important to his way of thinking. First he took the professor's first name, shortened it and added an "a"; after this, he then connected the professor's new name to a particularly famous actress: Jessica Alba. And that was how Albus Dumbledore became Jessica Dumbledore in Harry's head. The concept would mull about a bit before coming out in his speech, but the idea was already firmly planted. The fact that Harry seemed to be restraining himself was probably due to repeated blows to the head from one of the strongest beings on the planet. Harry contemplated all this in his little green box full of thoughts until Jessica Dumbledore shook him from his contemplations. Or maybe he had just said everything that was on his mind. Harry wasn't sure.

"Sorry, Jean says I'm not allowed to take candy from strange men anymore," Harry said, shaking his head. "And it's always a good idea to do what the nice lady who can destroy star systems says."

"I suppose you are correct," Dumbledore said. He popped a candy into his mouth as a thought occurred to him. "'Anymore'?"

"Let's just say it has to do with a credit card, some doom-bots, a guy with metal skin, a flying car, a really big magnet, and leave it at that," Harry sort-of explained.

"Very well, Harry, I'm here because you have missed the first four days of classes," Dumbledore. "Which is rather unusual for a first year, though I suppose that does seem like you're taking after your father in that respect."

"Hey! Dad's never late for an assassination unless he's attacked by super villains!" Harry argued, but he paused a moment. "Or super heroes."

"I must admit I am not quite clear on that statement, but we shall continue on," the headmaster said. He held up an ugly leather hat that was struggling to get away. Struggling so hard, in fact, that it was currently biting the headmaster's arm. "This little fellow is known as the Sorting Hat. It takes a look at your core being and determines your House where you will remain for your time here. We felt that you should at least have the experience for yourself, even if you could not be at the opening ceremony."

"He smells like Cyttorak, get me the &%# away from here, asshole," the hat said, spitting out the Headmaster's arm.

"It seems to have developed a rather poor lexicon since we first brought it here," the headmaster said, giving the magical item a dirty look.

"Fine! I'll sit on the damn kid's head and tell his friggin' fortune, okay?" the hat said in a distinctly Brooklyn accent. It was a little creepy. Albus "Jessica" Dumbledore dutifully placed the thing on his hat, but Harry dodged quite well for a guy who just awoke from head trauma.

"Gross! What if I get lice?"

"Poppy will spell them off," Dumbledore said, motioning to the school's medical practitioner. With that, the hat fell on Harry's head.

_'Interesting,'_ thought the sorting hat. _'You're crazier than I am, and that's saying a lot, kid.'_

"Why do you have a New York accent?"

_'fugetaboutit kid,'_ was the mental reply. Harry was plenty used to mental communication. Jean frequently used it when he had done something less than proper at the X mansion. Jean seemed to think there were things Harry wasn't supposed to do, but Blind Alfred had never stopped him. Maybe that was because she was blind? The Sorting Hat made a mental noise to get his attention once more. _'Kid, I'm not sitting on your head 'cuz I like it, I'm here 'cuz the $$#*!& here forced me too. Now, where do we put you?'_

"I didn't even know there were choices," Harry said. "You guys should really talk to Ford Prefect about a travel guide. Or at least Volo."

_'I can read your mind, and I still don't get what you mean,'_ the Hat said. _'So let's see. You're stupidly fearless.'_

"Hey! You're stupid!"

_'You're brutally honest when you should lie through your teeth. And you lie when it won't do you any good or the lies are obvious.'_

"Some people consider that a virtue, jerk."

_'You're corrupted by the guy who raised you and Golden Girls.'_

"Corrupted? More like well educated."

_'Your grasp of reality is fleeting.'_

"No, TIME is fleeting and Madness takes control."

_'You think you're a superhero.'_

"I'm not a hero, Arthur Bea Wilson's a hero."

_'You think your dad's a superhero.'_

"He's MY hero and that's all that matters!"

_'You think Marty Feldman is the world's greatest actor.'_

"He should have totally won Best Actor for Young Frankenstein! He was robbed, robbed I say!"

_'You think Tony Stark would look good in a dress.'_

"Hey! There aren't many men in this world that could pull off that look, but Tony totally could," Harry protested angrily.

_'Ya, sure, whatevah kid,'_ the Hat mentally continued. _'You're practically a slave owner.'_

"And what? It's better if he's out there robbing people?"

_'You're old man kills people for a living, why isn't he in a fun-ball?'_

"Because he wouldn't fit!"

"Yo, Dumbledore, da kid ain't going nowhere. Where's he goin'? Friggen NOWHERE! He's a friggen exchange student, $$#*!&!" the Hat said. "He ain't nevah gonna go wid your plans like mosta da udda ones."

"I'm not quite sure what you mean through that accent," Dumbledore admitted. "And what house shall he be in?"

"None a dem ya friggen moron!" The Hat scowled and glared at the headmaster. "See? Dis is what happens wid Cyttorak around. Dis is why yuh shudda waited a couple a friggen weeks before toppen him off, if ya know whad I mean."

"No, I have no idea what you mean," admitted the Hogwarts Headmaster. He thought a little and came up with what seemed like a brilliant idea in his head. Had he known Harry even a little, he would have understood why his plan was doomed to failure. "Why don't we have you spend a little time with each house and see which you like best?"

Harry looked at the Headmaster for a long while and shrugged. "Oh, well. Daddy always did say 'Home is where the Doorknobs hang.' I'll go with it for now."

"Oh, we don't have very many doorknobs here in Hogwarts," Dumbledore said. "Mostly handles and paintings."

"Oh, don't worry, I brought plenty," Harry said.

"And the occasional knocker," Albus Dumbledore said absently.

"Considering half the population of this school is female and going through puberty, I hope you have more than 'occasional' knockers," Harry said. "This magical community would by a whole lot stranger without them, and that's saying a lot."

With that Dumbledore shook his head and wandered off. "That boy is so like his father, why, it's astonishing, positively uncanny. Though he can be a bit extreme at times."

* * *

Jessica Dumbledore had told Harry that he, as the headmaster, had decided that it would be best to have Harry start with the houses in alphabetical order. Secretly, this was a plan by Dumbledore to have Harry get used to the way of life in Gryffindor and not go anywhere else. So there he was, standing in the Gryffindor sitting room with all his stuff piled up around him. He had been forced into robes against his will and then pointed in the direction of the House tower.

Harry had been given a day to settle in, allowing for a full week of missed classes with the hopes that it would give him time to finish his work. Unbeknownst to most of the Hogwarts staff, Harry Potter had a pretty bad case of the I-don't-give-a-damns. He was there to learn magic, not to do _home work_. These people clearly didn't understand the typical male raised by a world class assassin. Strangely enough, it was a demographic that was often ignored by the educating public.

Harry went through the books he was supposed to read and tossed them about the bed. History of Magic: useless, it's didn't even talk about Dr. Stephen Strange, much less Fin Fang Foom! (the exclamation point was part of the name). Care of magical creatures: pretty cool. An idea had begun forming in Harry's mind about that one. Harry scratched out the title and labeled it "Pokedex." Transmutation: very cool, but there weren't any spells for turning things into animals. Charms: useful and kinda cool. There was definitely a few ideas forming when he glanced through that book. Defense Against the Dark Arts: He wasn't really a painter anyway, so what was the point? Flying: had potential, but he doubted he'd be allowed anything cool, like rocket boots. Only dorks flew on brooms. Potions: Double, double, toil and trouble. Herbology: might be useful if he ever had to fight Plant-Man. Now which class had the most potential for blowing things up?

Glancing at his watch, he went down for dinner. The moment he walked in all eyes were on him. They gaped at him. They said his name in whispers. Harry let them stare for a minute. Then he turned about face, dropped trow and mooned the lot of them.

"Is that a better view?" Harry asked them all.

"See Minerva? I told you he took after James," Dumbledore said to McGonagall with a wide grin on his face.

"You say that like it is a good thing," she replied with a barely suppressed shiver. She had this sinking suspicion that the next seven years would feel much longer than they really were.


	8. Chapter 8

"Now, you will follow the recipe exactly and to the letter," Professor Snape commanded. "I will take points for poor potions and poor attentiveness." Something caught the potion's professor's eye and his head snapped up. "Potter! What is heaven's name are you doing?"

Harry wasn't paying attention; he was chanting loudly to himself as he tossed ingredients into the cauldron:

_"In the poison'd entrails throw.—  
Toad, that under cold stone,  
Days and nights has thirty-one;  
Swelter'd venom sleeping got,  
Boil thou first i' the charmed pot!"_

"Potter! Stop that! Don't you know what you're making? Stop! Stop at once!"

None of the students had ever seen Professor Snape in this worried, borderline terrified state. And that made even the students scared. "Stop! Somebody stop him!"

But it was too late.

_"Double, double toil and trouble;  
Fire burn, and caldron bubble."_

Harry tossed in a bit of a snake, quite expertly sliced.

_"Fillet of a fenny snake,  
In the caldron boil and bake;"_

Snape started rushing across the room, accidentally tripping on his robes and falling to the floor in a heap.

_"Eye of newt, and toe of frog,  
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,  
Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting,  
Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing,—  
For a charm of powerful trouble,  
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble!"_

Harry was tossing in ingredients from his trunk like a madman, all the while quoting a certain Bard. He'd give it the occasional stir and start tossing ingredients in again. The other students, rather worried about Snape's reaction, started doing the sensible thing and started running out of the classroom. Only a few hung on to watch from the doorway. Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger, Neville Longbottom and Ron Weasley just peeked in the doorway to watch as the concoction continued. Severus Snape, on the other hand, started having a flashback.

"No, no! It doesn't work that way! No! You can't do that! Nooooooooooo!"

Harry however, had started to improvise, considering many of the original ingredients were a bit harder to come by, and some pretty much unacceptable by the general populace excepting individuals like the Red Skull and other unscrupulous super-villains.

_"Scale of dragon; tooth of woof;  
Britches' tummy; maw and gulf  
Of the ravin'd tall tree bark;  
Root of hemlock digg'd i the dark;  
Liver of blaspheming Mew;  
Gall of goat, and slips of yew  
Sliver'd in the moon's eclipse;  
Nose of Orc, and Elven lips;  
Tail fur of birth-petted squirrel Ditch-deliver'd by a drab,—  
Make the gruel thick and slab:  
Add thereto a tiger's chaudron,  
For the ingrediants of our caldron.  
Double, double toil and trouble;  
Fire burn, and caldron bubble.  
Cool it with a baboon's blood,  
Then the charm is firm and good."_

With that, Harry gave a good shake of his wand over the whole mix. Then he zapped it with lightning for dramatic tone. A moment later there was a short, abrupt quaking of the entire castle as psychedelically colored smoke billowed out of the dungeons through windows and staircases.

"Potter, you had better run, because I have a certain desire to strangle you," Snape snarled as he pulled himself to his feet. His hair had blown upwards into a striking rainbow of colors, almost like a psychedelic version of the Bride of Frankenstein. Harry would have laughed, but he saw the look on the Professor's face and knew it was time to run and out the door he went. Snape didn't chase, but he did snarl in the first year's general direction. "Why, why is it that so many muggleborns know the Unforgivable Potion? Why?"

"It's from Shakespeare, Professor," Hermione said from the doorway. "Macbeth."

"What?" Snape turned in her direction.

"It's an honored segment of British literature, a tragic play," she explained, her Gryffindor courage propping her up.

"You mean to tell me that the Unforgivable Potion is the subject of a play?"

"Uh, no, just a small part of it. The play is about how power corrupts," Hermione explained. Snape suddenly realized he knew it from the same source as a child. Well, that and the page of the Darkhold he had managed to find. "Professor?"

"What is it Granger?"

"Why is it unforgivable? Does it kill?" she asked.

"In a way, it summons an elder demon with no control," Snape revealed. "We are remarkably lucky Potter failed. Had he succeeded, we would have all been killed soon after. Now, you four are going to help clean up this mess."

"Me?" Draco asked, suddenly confused why the head of his House was blaming him.

"Yes," sneered the potions professor. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to strangle the life out of a first year."  
With that he stormed out of the dungeons. The four first years sullenly gathered up their cleaning supplies and wands to clean the almost seizure inducing stain the explosion had caused. Unnoticed by the students, a little yellow paw reached up to the brim of the cauldron soon followed by another. A little yellow face peeked over the brim to view it's new surroundings.

"Pika?" asked the summoned creature.

"Pika-pika," answered its companions from inside the cauldron.

* * *

"You're Harry Potter," said a girl with frizzy brown hair. She looked familiar, but Harry wasn't sure where he'd seen her. He'd been too busy running for his life that first day of classes.

"Nope, I'm Dirty Harry, I've got the most powerful hand-doorknob ever made," said Harry, fiddling with his laptop. "Naw, that's a lie."

"You're laptop won't work here in Hogwarts," she said. "Electronic devices don't work in the grounds. It said so in Hogwarts, A History."

"Seems to be working just fine," Harry said, picking up a slice of pizza from a plate.

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"Maybe you're just wrong?"

"As soon as I got here, my walkman stopped working," the girl said.

"Well that's what you get for buying a piece of crap."

Soon Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall walked by only to find a Hermione Granger kneeling on Harry's back while attempting to strangle him.

"Minerva, it's just like James and Lily all over again," the headmaster said with a proud smile. Minerva McGonagall shook her head and mentally reminded herself to take a headache cure.

"You keep saying that like it is a good thing."

* * *

Harry survived meeting Hermione Granger for the first time and decided to watch a movie in the Gryffindor sitting room. He managed to find a bag of potato chips and some salsa in his bottomless trunk. Popping his laptop open , he loaded up an illegally downloaded movie and started watching.

"Hey, what's this Harry?" asked one of the annoying twins. Harry couldn't tell them apart, but that was mostly because he didn't care enough. It was either Fred or George. The other twins were easier because they were in different houses.

"Rocky Horror Picture Show," Harry said. "It's a classic."

The twins sat down on either side of him, completely absorbed into the film.

"What's that?" asked one of them.

"That's a car," Harry answered.

"What's happening?"

"Their car broke down so they want to use a phone to call for help," Harry explained.

"Why are they singing about it?"

"Because it's a musical."

"What's a musical?"

"A movie with songs built in."

"What about-"

"Fred, George, shut up and watch the damn movie," commanded Oliver Wood from behind them. Neither had noticed the older student walk in. As they laughed and were shocked by the paragon of modern cinema, more and more Gryffindors started filing in, interested in what the commotion was about. Soon the entire house was watching. A 7th year cast a spell to make the movie play on the large wall so everyone could see.

When the movie finally ended there was a series of thunderous applause that woke up the professors in the next tower.

"That was bloody brilliant," said Fred.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Fred?" George asked.

"I think so George, but where are we going to get lacy lingerie at this hour?"

"To Filch's desk!" They both said with wands up in the air in a dramatic manner.

Watching them run out of the common room, their younger brother Ron Weasley looked at Harry Potter as if he had just murdered a few hundred people. "By all that is holy, what have you done?"

Hermione just looked at the laptop with confusion. "Where's it get its power?"

* * *

Harry was on time for breakfast the next day. And it was a good thing he was. Fashionably late, Draco Malfoy walked into the room wearing a black cape. To the Slytherins' horror, the pureblooded wizard started singing.

_"How do you do? I  
See you met my,  
Faithful Handyman.  
He was just a little brought down,  
Because when you knocked,  
He thought you were the Candy Man."_

Jaws dropped as Draco Malfoy belted out the lyrics to _"Sweet Transvestite."_ Complete with choreography. To everyone's surprise, Fred and George took up the lines of Brad and Janet, making it clear that they were responsible. Harry was pretty impressed: Draco managed the role quite perfectly. Sure, he was a little small for the particular lacy pieces the Twins had picked out, but he sure could sing.

When the song finished the spell was clearly done and Draco got back his senses. He was stuck somewhere between horror, embarrassment and absolute outrage. It only got worse when the rest of the school started laughing at him. The pureblooded wizard was filled with rage, pure rage. Luckily for the Weasley Twins, he had nowhere to keep his wand on his state of dress.

Harry just clapped and asked for an encore. "Do you do bar mitzvahs?"

* * *

By the way, I don't own Rocky Horror Picture Show and I don't own Macbeth, but the Bard's been dead for a few hundred years, so I'm probably safe on that one. I also don't own anything else that might have possibly been hinted in this story.


	9. Chapter 9

**Neville Longbottom and the Traveling Wand**

As some may have noticed, Harry has a strong case of ignorance when it comes to things he is "supposed to do." And that's exactly what came into play when he sat down next to Neville Longbottom. The poor boy had set his wand down to catch his toad. Harry didn't look where he was going and sat down with a snap. The snap being Neville's wand. The much picked upon boy looked like he was about to cry.

"I'm sorry!" Harry said, panicking. Harry never dealt well with people crying. Grabbing his wand of fireballs, he handed it to the fellow first year. "Here, it's an extra. It shoots fireballs, but at least you'll have something for class."

Granted, the unexpected generosity was not normal for the abnormally raised boy, but Harry's regret was genuine. He fully understood the connection these Wizarding people had with their little sticks and he was never any good when people started crying. However, he was never really told that wands have different effects for different people, that each one was matched to the user. Accidental magics, such as the wand throwing fireballs, were not something just anyone could do with the same wand. It was very likely to have a different effect for other people.

For his part, Neville took the wand and gave it a swish. "Wingardium Leviosa!"

He vanished without a sound, a flash or a smell. He simply wasn't in the classroom anymore.

"Where is Longbottom?" Professor Flitwick asked.

"He just got involuntarily teleported," Harry said as if it were completely normal. Flitwick looked at the young wizard and sighed audibly.

'I knew this was a bad year to stop drinking,' the diminutive wizard thought to himself.

* * *

All in all, Neville took his appearance on a bridge made of rainbows quite calmly. That is to say he stood stock still and didn't fall off.

"Whoa there!" commanded a powerful voice. "Be ye man or beast to have arrived in such a manner upon Bifrost, yon Rainbow Bridge that taketh one to Asgard?"

"Uh," Neville said in surprise. He'd seen a few things most people would call strange, but a man dressed in skins and gold while carrying a massive horn was not one of them. "I'm a man, well boy. I'm only eleven."

"Ah, a mortal man-child then," the powerful figure said, glancing the young wizard over. "How come ye to be here upon the Bridge to Asgard? You have not the look of the Einherjar and no valkyrie accompany ye."

"I don't really know," he admitted, too stunned by the experience to be afraid. "I was in class and then I was here."

"Then ye are no warrior felled in battle?" the man asked.

"Uh, no. I-I think I'm still alive," Neville said nodding.

"How are you called, mortal man-child?"

"uh, Neville, sir, Neville Longbottom," he replied, admittedly a little intimidated by the raw power of the man.

"Come, tell me thy story as I guard yon gates," the man commanded. He waved a hand and a chair appeared beside him. "I be HEIMDALL, Guardian of ASGARD, home of the AESIR!"

"I should really be getting back to class, Mr. Heimdall sir," Neville said hesitantly.

"Nonsense," dismissed the Aesir. "Come sit, drink. I have brought mead and bread. Tell thy story so I can better know how I may assist. But know, there is no keener eye than Heimdall, Guardian to Bifrost!"

"Yessir," Neville said, quickly slipping into the chair. His first sip of mead was like drinking the finest of beverages, a true ambrosia. And then he began to speak. He told the Aesir of his family and growing up. He had to explain the four houses of Hogwarts and Heimdall seemed especially pleased to find Neville being from Gryffindor. (Heimdall decreed that this was a true "House of Valor" and should be honored in Valhalla.) He told Heimdall of Voldemort and the Death Eaters. Then he told Him of Bellatrix and the unforgivable curse used on his parents causing Heimdall to cry piteously.

"Forsooth! 'Tis a great tragedy that such a noble pair of valiant warriors should be laid low by such an evil spell," Heimdall said with excessive drama. He wiped his eyes clean with one hand and unbuckled his sword in the other. He forced it into Neville's hands. Neville, not knowing exactly what to do, held onto the long blade. The Aesir pointed Neville towards the massive gates of Asgard. "Go! I send thee to the All Father, for there is none wiser in Asgard. If any be Knowing of a cure it be him. Enter with my blessing Young Warrior. I hope that one day ye shall join us as an Einherjar, but may that day be long off. When next we meet, I hope that we shall have many tales to share."

"Uh, okay," Neville said edging towards the big gates. "Maybe the All Father can help me get home?"

* * *

Meanwhile, a certain Latverian monarch was on the phone with his credit card company.

"YOU DARE TELL _**DOCTOR DOOM!**_ THAT HE BOUGHT FOURTEEN MILLION KILOGRAMS OF SPAM?"

"Yes," the customer service representative said on the other end. "You have our special Dictator Platinum Card with unlimited credit, so the card never maxed out. And you see Mr. Doom-"

"DOCTOR," corrected the dictator absently.

She continued without missing a beat. "-after your major purchases in the past, something like this didn't raise any flags."

"WHERE WERE THESE SENT?"

"From our records, three million went to the Avenger's Mansion," the CSR reported dutifully. "There were ten million sent to a place called the Savage Land and the last one million were sent to your palace."

"HMMM…THAT DOES EXPLAIN THE LAST FEW MEALS…" pondered the monarch. "REGARDLESS. I COMMAND YOU TO DISCOVER THE CULPRIT OF THIS ATROCITY SO THEY CAN FEEL THE WRATH OF DOOM!"

"We're working on this as fast as we can, but you have to understand Mr. Doom-"

"DOCTOR!"

"Right," she said with a tired voice. "You have to understand that these things take time. You'll be the first person to know after we do."

"SEE THAT IT IS SO," commanded DOCTOR DOOM! with his usual capitalized voice. "NOW EXPLAIN THIS NEXT CHARGE…."

The CSR pressed the mute button briefly to let out a deep sigh. This was going to be a long night.

* * *

Far to the south, land locked in barren Antarctica, Ka-Zar, Lord of the Savage Land, was reading a letter that came with a very large delivery. Shanna was looking up at the tower of cans in horror.  
_  
Dear Mr. Ka-Zar and Shanna the She Devil,_

_Last time I was down there you said you'd never had Spam. So now you can. Hehe! That was a pun. I also included some classic recipes for this prepackaged wonder meat. These include, but aren't limited to: Spam and Eggs; Spam, Eggs, Bacon and Spam; Cheese and Spam; Spam, Spam, Potatoes, Spam and Spam; and Spam, Spam, owls, apples and Spam. I hear veggies are good with it too._

_It's in cans so it won't go bad and I don't think the dinos will be able to smell it. Please send the dino eggs like you promised. I'd like a big one. Hank says he's got an incubator to fit even the sauropods. He was grinning when he said it, so I don't know if I can take him seriously._

_I'm going to a new school now. It's pretty boring. They claim to teach magic, but they won't teach us the cool stuff or anything practical._

_Have a nice day,  
Harry.  
PS: I bet your cat would like some Spam too._

_

* * *

_

**Avenger's Mansion**

Hawkeye leaned back in his chair and grinned.

"I like Spam," he said between mouthfuls. The other Avengers looked at him like he was the worst kind of super villain ever.


	10. Chapter 10

**Be weewwy weewwy qwiet. We're huntin' twolls! huh huh huh huh!**

* * *

"This is an awesome spell," Harry said. "I could kill hundreds of critters with this and have it always look like an accident!"

"No you couldn't!" Hermione said. She was always a little scandalized at how easy it was for Harry to talk about killing people. "It's just a charm to lift things!"

"Oh, come on," Harry said. "That's just _not _being creative."

* * *

**At the Halloween Feast:**

"There's a troll in the dungeons," Quirrell said. "Just thought you'd like to know."

And with that, he passed out.

There was a moment of stunned silence in the Great Hall as the students looked on with confusion. Harry took the opportunity to jump in the air and put on his mask.

_"Hell Yeah!"_

With that he ran out of the Great Hall, trampling over the fallen professor and up into Gryffindor tower. A few moments later he was back: mask on, and doorknobs in hand.

_"Who wants to help kill a troll?"_ Arthur Bea Wilson yelled out as he stood on Quirrell's head. He heard some kind of muffled growl, but he didn't really pay attention.

"I'm in," said the Weasley twins in unison. They had learned very quickly that Harry/Arthur meant fun.

"Perhaps I should observe, just for future reference," mused Draco Malfoy.

"If they get killed mum's gonna have my hide," Ron said, running after his brothers.

"I've never seen a troll before," Hermione Granger commented. "This is the perfect opportunity to practice my Defense Against the Dark Arts."

Soon more and more people, infected by Harry's enthusiasm, followed along. Dumbledore, as much as he liked Harry's obvious Gryffindor tendencies, was a little worried about there being a troll roaming around. He followed along since he really did care about his students' well being. Professor McGonagall just watched them go before banging her head against the table. It actually lessened her headache.

"Damn you Albus," she said. "_'You're just encouraging him' _I said. _'He needs to settle down'_ I said. Now look what you've done."

"Minerva, are you alright?" Professor Sprout asked.

"No, I've got a headache that's threatening to last the next seven years."

* * *

Arthur Bea Wilson could hear the Troll long before he could see it. Giant, lumbering, and stupid, it made quite a racket in the echoing dungeons. About twenty students and professors met it in the larger hallways leading to the potions room

_"Take it out at the knees!"_ Arthur screamed with glee as he opened up with a twelve gauge. The creature bellowed in rage and tried to swat him. The professors started casting hexes and curses at it, but it seemed to shrug them off. Some of the more advanced students were using similar spells, but some were more creative like the butterfly summoning spell used to blind it. Arthur reloaded the pump action doorknob as the troll fell to one knee. The would-be superhero fired three quick blasts into the troll's elbow, making its arm flail helplessly. Other students realized what he was doing and started following suit, aiming for joints and other sensitive areas.

"Harry, what are you doing?" Dumbledore asked as the self proclaimed superhero ran up the troll's leg.

_"Who's Harry?"_ Arthur asked as he shoved the shotgun under the troll's chin and fired. Gore sprayed out of the troll's mouth, but it didn't seem too fazed. He jumped up to avoid a swat with the club, shoving a large knife into it's wrist. Arthur's face sunk as he saw it smash against the wall. _"Aw man! I stole that from Uncle Taskmaster! It was his favorite!"_

Fred and George shoved a few large handfuls of some nasty colored jellybean in the creature's huge mouth. A few fell out the hole Arthur had just made, but plenty stayed inside.

"What are those?" Ron asked.

"Bertie Bott's Poison Hemlock beans," George said.

"Got banned after people kept getting poisoned," Fred explained.

"How'd you get so many?"

"We know people who know people!" the two said with slightly manic grins.

"Mum's gonna bloody kill us," Ron said.

Hermione was doing well with the spells she had read in her Defense books. She had managed to distract it from making serious blows on several occasions. Dumbledore was quite impressed.

_"Wait a minute! I know how to kill it!"_ Arthur said. _"Wingardium Leviosa!"_

And then a very large anvil (labeled 1000kg in bright white letters) landed on the troll's head, effectively squashing it. The living combatants looked on in mute horror as they were splattered with troll juice.

Arthur dusted off his hands and started walking back towards the dinner hall. _"And that's how you kill a troll with a levitation spell!"_

"Why was there an anvil in my dungeon?" demanded Professor Snape.

Arthur just shrugged. _"If I explain the gag, it's just not that funny. And besides,"_ Arthur said pointing a thumb back from whence they came, _"that's a classic."_

Pulling out yet another knife, Arthur severed the remains of it's tongue. He held it out to Snape like a trophy of war. _"A peace offering."_

"It's only useful if it's whole," Snape sneered in annoyance. Arthur just shrugged.

_"Guess I've got to go kill another one,"_ the boy superhero commented with a shrug. His exhausted fellow troll slayers looked at him with aggravation.

* * *

_Dear Daddy Deadpool,_

_I had my first day of classes today. It wasn't too much fun. There's a lot less blowing things up than I expected and not much of the rest was intentional. This short guy in Charms wasn't too happy when I asked when we would learn Magic Missile._

_I'm in a house called Gryffindor. It's supposed to be for people who are brave and courageous. I find them pretty annoying. There's these twins who always look over my shoulder whenever I'm watching a movie on my laptop. They really need to quit it. Maybe you could just send me another and load it up with Bea Arthur porn. That should keep them occupied._

_I got in trouble because I wasn't going to class. Honestly, I don't get why an art class is that important. And the guy who teaches it is pretty creepy. He always wears a __purple __ottoman on his head. The footstool not the empire. Really needs wardrobe change if you ask me. I caught him talking to himself one time in a hallway. What a freak, he didn't even break the fourth wall._

_So I found out that some wizards can turn into animals. I'm working on that, but the prof says I need more work on my transmutation. She says that each animagius (that's a werewizard) has a specific form that they can turn into. I wonder what I can turn into? I'm hoping it's something cool like an aardvark or a tapir. Tapirs rock._

_I'm cleaning my weapons every day like you told me. Doorknobs work really well against Trolls. We had one for Halloween. They don't taste very good._

_It's the end of my time in Gryffindor House, next is Hufflepuff. I've got 17 gigs of HD Golden Girls to watch there and a few books. Jessica seemed upset that I wasn't going to stay in his old House, but I want to try them all._

_I had my first flying lesson yesterday. Not nearly as cool as I thought it would be. No rocket boots, no jet packs and no flying carpets. I had to use the broom I got in the mail. I don't know who sent it to me._

_That's about what's happened. I'll write more when something cool happens._

_Harry (Arthur)_

* * *

"What is this I have heard about you associating with Gryffindors?" Lucius Malfoy asked his son. Draco cocked his head and gave his father an amused look.

"I can see how it could be perceived that way, Father," the blond boy said, taking a sip of tea. Lucius had arrived on Ministry business and had decided to have tea with his son. "Rather than Gryffindors, I have been around Harry Potter."

"Who is in Gryffindor," Lucius stated flatly.

"Indeed, he lives there now, but as I have heard, the Sorting Hat itself declared him to have no House," Draco explained. "He has no allegiances, but he has a gathering of people around him."

"He is a new faction," said his father in understanding. "And you have taken it upon yourself to take part in this faction?"

"If his power grows, as I feel it will," Draco said, "it would be good to have someone in his inner circle. He could be guided if need be. That there are members of other houses is purely secondary."

"Severus claims that he is unruly, out of control," Lucius argued.

"Perhaps, but it is more like anarchy and methods of madness," the younger wizard countered. "He thinks nothing is impossible to the point of almost idiotic bravery, but he's crafty in his plans enough to be a Slytherin. He's smart, an almost genius in some ways, an idiot in others. He is also deadly fierce in his loyalty to those he respects and considers friends."

"So he exhibits traits of all houses strongly," the older wizard said. "That could very well just mean he's insane."

"Of _that _I have no doubt."

* * *

"Greetings Hufflepuffs, I am Harry. I come in peace. I have traveled to your planet because Mars needs wizards," Harry said in a robot tone, dressed in a red shirt from Star Trek. "Resistance is futile unless met with raspberry mousse."

The older students looked at him with utter confusion for a very long moment.

The Hufflepuff prefect blinked and said: "I have no idea how to respond to that."

* * *

Later, after he had managed to settle in, Harry curled up in a chair in the common room. Rising star of the Hufflepuff Quiditch team, Cedric Diggory paused to glance at the cover of Harry's book.

"What're you reading, Harry?" he asked.

"The Communist Manifesto," Harry said, munching on a potato chip. Closing the book with a snap, he tossed it to the older Hufflepuff. "Here, you can read it."

* * *

Later:

"Can't you see? They are taking advantage of our loyalty!" Cedric Diggory said to a small group of his house mates. "By just blindly following we are just giving more power to the pureblooded bourgeoisie. This is a classic example of class struggle between the wealthy, pureblooded, so-called "noble" families and the poor, mixed and half blooded families that work their backs out supporting the current society. We need to be more selective about who and to what we give our loyalty to. We can't just blindly walk into any old situation."

"_Yeah_!" yelled Susan Bones with a fist in the air.

"They're _nothing _without us!"

Soon more and more were joining in the perfect example of group think until almost all of the listening Hufflepuffs had joined in.

"We want more respect!"

"We want an equal footing in society!"

"We're in a situation where only we can make a difference in society!" Cedric Diggory exclaimed. "We are the ones who will determine our next course of action, not a bunch of rich pureblooded families! We choose who is deserving of our loyalty and we stick with it!" He started handing out copies of the books Harry has supplied them. "Read this. You'll understand how we have far too long labored without sufficient reward and how the classes represent an unequal society."

"Karl Marks and Frederick Engels truly must have been Hufflepuffs," another said after reading a little.

Harry just sat in a chair, munching on a bowl of popcorn, and watched.

* * *

"Mr. Hagrid, it's time," the guard said. The big hulking man nodded his head.

"Bye then Froedrick," he said, letting go of the mouse that shared his room. Rising up to his full height, he stretched. "It'll be sad to see him go. We've become fast friends these last few months."

"Well, you're free to go after the Doc talks to you," the guard said. Although the staff at the mental institution had been initially intimidated by the large man, they all quickly understood the gentleness of the large man. They had taken a liking to him even if he did think he lived in a fantasy land.

"Mr. Hagrid? Please sit down" Hagrid sat down in the much-too-small chair across from the psychiatrist who had been handling his case. Dr. Samson was a bit of an odd man, with spectacles and long green hair, but they seemed to be getting along well. "Well, it's almost time for you to go."

"That's what they're telling me," the Hogwarts grounds keeper said.

"I just wanted to talk once more about your wizards," Dr. Samson said. "I have to admit, they are very different from the magic users I've dealt with in the past. Dr. Strange is quite open about his magical status. I'm just concerned why your group is hiding."

"Well, there be laws against it," Hagrid said with a shrug of his meaty shoulders. "I trust ye won't be spreading this around much, would ye?"

"Not too much, Doctor/Patient discussions are confidential," the psychiatrist said. "But why the law? Why avoid the rest of the world? Don't you people notice the world outside?"

"Uh…well…I guess I didn't really think about that," Hagrid said. "We just have is all."

"But aren't you affected by outside forces?"

"Uh, well, the Ministry tries to keep that to a minimum," Hagrid said with a bit of embarrassment.

"In this world of Globalization, I would think you would be reaching out more, rather than focusing inward," Doc Samson commented. "Considering your practice of expanding the Wizarding world with recruits from outside while your pureblood population dwindles as inbreeding decreases genetic viability, I would think new blood would be important."

"Well, most of them pure blooded families don't like outsiders much," Hagrid said with a worried look on his face. This conversation was really forcing him to think outside the box that had been constructed for him. It might serve to alter his mindset for the future.

"I see," Samson said. "Regardless. I think it's safe to let you go now. You can collect your things at the door. I wanted to have you meet Dr. Strange, but he's in another dimension fighting Dormammu with the Defenders, but you'll still have time to speak with Wong. After all, he is the one I wanted you to talk to in the first place. "

"Uh, who are Dr. Strange and Wong?"

"Dr. Strange is the Sorcerer Supreme, the most powerful mage or wizard on the planet," Doc Samson explained. "With a society as insular as yours, I'm not surprised you don't know who he is. I just thought you could speak a little. He's a very interesting man."

"And Wong?"

"Ah, Wong is one of the greatest experts on the occult in the world, though not a powerful mystic himself," Doc Samson explained. "I thought you would both get a long being primarily low or non magical people living in a magical world. Peter Parker tells me he plays a killer game of basketball."

"Uh, I never told you any of that," Hagrid said. Samson just lowered his reading glasses and shot the half-giant a look.

"I'm much more observant than most people give me credit for," he said. "I spend my life analyzing people of great power and I've learned to fill in the blanks. I'm also a good judge of character."

"So I can go?"

"Yes, but I want you to speak with Wong first," Samson said. "I think you're still dealing with issues from your semi-expulsion from the Wizarding World that you are still dealing with today. For a man of your size you have remarkable insecurity issues."

"So you have said," Hagrid said sadly.

"But cheer up," Samson said, giving Hagrid's hand a healthy shake.

"I've been wondering, you've got much more strength than I'd think," Hagrid said, wincing a little from the psychiatrist's grip.

"You're not the only one who has a varied past," Samson said with a smile. "I'd like to talk to you again, perhaps once a week. I'll tell you then."

"I-I suppose I will," Hagrid said, his face beaming into a smile.

"Till next week," Samson said.

"Yes, next week," Hagrid agreed.

* * *

It was time for Harry to send off his presents to his family and friends back home. He just hoped that the owls would be able to carry the stuff back in time for the Generic End of Year Holidays. He wrapped them carefully in paper and labeled each by hand. He really missed the days of cardboard boxes.

Everyone got a broom, the fastest available.

Storm got a new set of white dress robes and a puffskein.

Psylock got a subscription to the Globe International and a purple set of dress robes.

Rogue got a fur coat and hat stylishly colored to match her hair and three puffskeins.

Gambit got a full selection of magical trinkets from around Diagon Alley, mostly from joke places.

Professor X got a Quidditch jersey. Harry didn't know what team it was, but it was bright yellow. The Prof also got an owl with a note that said "not for eating."

Jean and Scott were given matching dress robes, a box of holding, an owl each, 43 chickens of various funky looking breeds and a puffskein.

Logan got an Ever-puffing Cigar. It was imported from Cuba. He also got a dragon leather jacket in his usual yellow and blue with a thestral skin collar.

Iceman got a complete quidditch set and jersey, as well as a box of lawn gnomes both live and ceramic.

Warren Worthington the Third received a giant wheel of Venezuelan Beaver Cheese and a puffskein.

Jubilee received enough puffskeins to hand out to her friends in Generation X with an express ban on giving one to Emma Frost. Harry hated Emma Frost. He briefly considered sending the White Queen a bag of dragon poop, but he worried she might not understand his true feelings.

Hank got a trunk full of books from the Wizarding World.

Truth be told, there was no real rhyme or reason for his choices in some cases, but in others he was very serious and specific. After Harry had sent all the presents off, he pondered what he was going to do with all the other tribbles. They were reproducing at an accelerated rate and seemed to be giving the Hogwarts staff a hard time when it came to feeding. Giving it some thought, he released them into the Forbidden Forest where they started eating everything.

On his way back he found himself confronted by seven yellow bipedal mice, five of which were wearing military sniper camouflage. They snapped into line upon seeing him and gave the wizard a snappy salute. "Pika-Pika!"

"At ease soldier," Harry commanded. The pikachus instantly fell into a relaxed pose as one chattered quickly.

"Pika, pika pi pika pika pika pi," the presumed leader said. He or she wore a round shield with a red and white pattern.

"But of course," Harry said.

"Pika-Pika?"

"Yes, I think setting up surveillance is a good idea," Harry agreed.

"Pika pika pi," argued a second Pikachu (who had a certain resemblance to Wolverine).

"No, I don't think that is going to be a problem," Harry said. The head Pikachu gave him another sharp salute and marched away. All but one of the others blended into the foliage around them. The last one followed Harry closely. She held out a hand for Harry to stop and quickly slaped her earwig.

"Pika Pika!" she said. She listened a bit before allowing Harry to proceed.

"You know, I'm perfectly fine on my own," Harry said. She angrily crossed her arms and glared at him.

"Pika pi!"


	11. Chapter 11

**Parents, Teachers, Conferences and Doorknobs**

* * *

"Wade, why are you wearing a suit?" Cable asked. Wade Wilson _was_ wearing a suit. Black leather on the outside of the jacket with red lapels and interior, with a black tie on a stylish red silk shirt. Black pants and bright red shoes finished him off with a red snakeskin belt. Deadpool checked his clips before slipping the pistols into the stylishly patterned black and red holsters.

"Every father should dress up nicely for Parent/Teacher Day," Deadpool said, strapping his sword on his belt. Nathan "Dayspring" Summers, AKA Askanison, AKA Cable just looked horrified as he realized the implications. "You'd best be ready. We don't want Arthur's friends at school to think they've got lazy parents, now do we?"

Deadpool handed his unwilling semi-friend a suit and tie. Cable took it with a glare. "Deadpool, after all the things that have happened in my life and everything you've ever done, this has to be the most irritating."

"Nonsense, the most irritating was when I left Logan in a swamp with three colonies of flesh-eating fire ants," Deadpool said. "Although I really think it might have been the rash they left afterward. It lasted for weeks even with his healing factor."

"Wade Wilson, you are a horrible person," Cable said, slipping on the bright blue sport coat.

"But I'm an attentive father," the mercenary pointed out.

"Does this school even have P/T Conferences?"

"They do now," Deadpool said as he checked his assault rifle for a full magazine.

"Wait a minute! You can't bring weapons to a school!"

"Sure I can! I just keep 'em strapped to me when we body slide." Wade Wilson said, pointing to the various heavy armaments over his well dressed frame.

"You know that's not what I meant!" Cable said, rushing to put on his pants.

"Body Slide by Two!"

* * *

"Uh, professor," Draco Malfoy said, having glanced out the window in Defense Against the Dark Arts.

"Ye-ye-yes Ma-ma-ma-malfoy?"

"Two men just apparated onto the Quidditch Pitch, Professor," the Slytherin reported dutifully.

"That's impossible on Hogwarts grounds," Hermione Granger corrected. "The Wards around the castle make it impossible to apparate in or out of the school grounds. It was in Hogwarts, A History."

"But I just saw them!"

"You're clearly just imagining things," Hermione said, flipping her nose in the air.

"You mudblood filth," the pureblooded Wizard snarled under his breath.

"Hey!" Harry yelled. "That's my dad! And Cable? Huh, they're usually trying to kill each other."

The rest of the class absorbed this nugget of knowledge with a look of fear and confusion. Harry didn't seem to notice, but he was rarely that observant.

"S-s-s-self st-study," said Quirrell as he followed Harry out of the classroom. The professor had trouble following the younger wizard. Harry was quick on his feet and an excellent athlete, despite his small stature. Harry ran down the stairs, taking them three at a time. Quirrell went at a much slower pace. He spotted the Headmaster, as Harry slid down the banister and jumped over Dumbledore's head. "Pr-pr-professor! Ha-harry's father is he-here."

"James? Back from the dead?" Dumbledore asked. "Well that certainly is a surprise."

"Nu-nu-no. Hi-his adoptive father," Quirrell explained. "With gu-gu-gu… With gu-gu-gu… With gu-gu-gu…With weapons sir."

"Oh dear," said Dumbledore. He glanced up to see the rest of the Defense class peeking around a corner as they followed to see what had really made Harry become Harry. Some of them had the good graces to blush at the Headmaster's stare. Dumbledore just grinned and popped a lemon candy into his mouth.

"They apparated in, Headmaster," Draco reported, still a little stunned at witnessing something that wasn't supposed to be.

"Oh bloody hell," said Dumbledore. Most of the assembled students took that to be a bad sign.

* * *

"He goes to school in a castle? He never told me he went to school in a castle!" Deadpool yelled a the top of his lungs. "Kid's been holding out on me."

Cable ran up after him as the mercenary started walking up to the front gate.

"What are you doing here?" Demanded a dark clothed guy with dark hair and a sneer. This time it wasn't Tom Cruise.

"No habla Espinoza!" Deadpool said with a shrug.

"Wade, he's speaking English," Cable said. "And what is Espinoza?"

"I know Nate, I just didn't want to talk to him," Deadpool said.

"I demand to know what business you have on these grounds at once!" the man said.

"And I demand to know what's really in the Secret Sauce!" Deadpool countered.

"What secret sauce?"

"Do you live in a dungeon? I bet you do," Deadpool said. "You've got a very mad scientist/creepy Eye-Gore thing going on."

"I am Professor Severus Snape and I demand-"

"Chimichangas! I new you'd demand them," Deadpool said in an accusatory fashion. "You moontans and your cheap fast food versions of Mexican foods. We can never trust you!"

"What are you talking about?" snarled the potions professor, pointing his wand at the intruders.

"Oh, I'm here to see how my kid is doing in school," Deadpool said. "Who's in charge?"

"That would be me," an elderly voice said from the entryway.

"Holy shades of Gandalf, Squirrel-Girl!" Deadpool said with exaggerated surprise. Cable just covered his face in his hand.

"Please excuse him," Cable said. "He's completely and utterly insane."

"But a snappy dresser," Deadpool said before being gutted from behind. "Hey!"

"I win!" Harry said, letting go of his fathers sword. The blade fell out of the wound and onto the ground, dragging guts with it.

"That was a very poor slice, young man. You didn't even sever my spinal column." Deadpool criticized. "And for your information: I let you win."

"You liar!"

"I did!"

"Is this banter going to take long?" Dumbledore asked Cable.

"Usually longer than it takes for Wade to heal the damage," the telepathic, telekinetic mutant said as an explanation.

"Headmaster!" Snape demanded. "What ARE they doing here?"

Dumbledore turned to Nathan, who just shrugged.

"He said something about a parent/teacher conference," Cable explained. "I'm just here because if either of us teleports separately, we get stuck in the same body. If we teleport together it doesn't happen."

"A parent/teacher conference, you said," mused an amused Dumbledore. "I cannot say I called for one, but I can most certainly see the benefit in such a meeting."

"It's best to give him what he wants or else he'll start killing people," Cable said blithely receiving shocked looks from the assembled professors.

"Well then, we should best get started," Dumbledore said with a grin. "Sherbet Lemon?"

* * *

"Oh, Arthur," Deadpool said, putting a fatherly hand on the boy's shoulder as they walked to the Headmaster's office. "I need to tell you something. The Author just reread my old comics and realized our whole time line is screwy, so we're going to blame it all on time travel, okay?"

"Okay, thanks!" Harry said. "Did you bring me anything?"

"Sorry, we're from the future, so I didn't think to bring you anything," Deadpool said.

"That's not a good reason!"

"Look, any more and the readers won't be able to suspend their disbelief," Deadpool said.

"Readers?" asked a confused Severus Snape.

"Never mind," commanded Harry and Deadpool in unison.

"And here we are," Dumbledore announced. Tapping the gargoyle's nose with his wand, it pulled back, revealing the doorway into the office. "Professor Quirrell, please speak with Harry's other professor's and tell them Harry's guardian would like to speak with them."

"O-of course Headmaster," the Defense against the Dark Arts professor said before hurrying down the hallway. Wade pointed at the creepy guy with a confused look.

"Who was that?"

"Oh, that's professor Quirrell. He's got the shade of the guy who killed my birth parents strapped to the back of his head and now he wants to kill me too," Harry said informatively.

_"How do you know that?"_ asked an alarmed Dumbledore.

"I skipped to the ending and read how it all works out," Harry said.

"YOU READ AHEAD IN YOUR OWN BOOK?" Deadpool yelled, the scandalized look on his face visible even through the mask. "You can't do that! There are _rules_, damnit! _There are __rules!__"_

"Oh, don't worry, I'll find some other unexpected, but sufficiently comical way to kill him this time," Harry said with a shrug. "I mean, it's not like I want the Philosopher's stone for anything. So you can keep it in the mirror."

"I should still ground you for it," Deadpool said. "Fine, but no killing for three months!"

"That's not a real punishment! I hardly ever kill anyone but you!"

"Well, you're grounded. I'll find some other way to punish you," Wade Wilson said , crossing his arms angrily across his chest. He looked at Dumbledore and shrugged. "You have to be stricter with kids these days."

"Alright!" Harry said happily. "Let's get this parent/teacher conference started!"

"Arthur, why don't you go back to class? I'll talk with the prof here," Deadpool said.

"Talk to you tonight, Dad?"

"Sure, over dinner. Any chance we can get a nice owl to roast?"

"Sure," Harry said. "They've got a whole room full of 'em."

With that, Harry Potter, also known as Arthur Bea Wilson, scampered down the hallway to return to his abandoned classmates, not quite knowing what to expect.

"So what's Arthur been up to lately?"

"Don't you mean Harry?"

"Who's that?"

"The young man you call a son,"

"Oh, no, that's Arthur. Arthur Bea Wilson," Deadpool said. "I named him after the most beautiful person in the world."

"Er…yes, Arthur has been taking in everything he can, it seems," Dumbledore said. "There were a few issues like when he refused to go to Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"Well of course he wouldn't go to an art class, he doesn't have any talent in painting in the dark," Deadpool said as if it were completely obvious.

"No, it's to teach students to defend themselves against Dark Magic," Dumbledore said with just a slight twitching of his vein.

"Why don't you just call it that?"

"Because most people understand what it means!"

"With a confusing name like that I'm surprised more people don't make the mistake," Deadpool argued. "How about other subjects?"

"Why don't you speak with the professors yourself? They have a better grasp of his current status," Dumbledore said. Deadpool just shrugged and nodded. "I shall be right back."

Dumbledore ran right to his bar to get a drink.

* * *

Outside, Harry's classmates were hovering around Cable, who looked particularly uncomfortable. More than a few were touching his metal parts and that made him more uncomfortable.

"Could you stop doing that?" He asked a girl with frizzy brown hair.

"You've got metal skin!"

"No actually, until recently I was infected with a techno-organic virus that was only held at bay by my telekinesis," Cable said as if it were perfectly normal. "I was recently cured, but the effects remain."

"Blimey, imagine if mum saw me with a metal arm," said a red headed kid.

"You have telekinesis?"

"Yes, I'm a mutant," Cable explained. Save for the frizzy haired girl, the students all looked at him blankly. "You've never heard of mutants?"

"No, that some kind of American wizard?" A brown haired kid asked.

"No, mutants are genetic abnormalities that deviate from the norm hypothesized to be the next stage of human evolution," the frizzy haired girl said. The other students clearly had no idea what she was talking about.

"Your name is Cable?"

"My code name yes," the mutant explained.

"What's a code name?"

"Why is your hair white?"

"Why does your eye glow?"

"How'd you get that scar on your eye?"

"Why aren't you wearing any trousers?"

Nathan Dayspring Summers looked up to see Harry running back and shot the boy a grateful look. "Harry! How's it going?"

"Great! I'm grounded!" The other students were very confused as to why he was happy about that fact. Harry shrugged. "It just means he cares." He looked up at Cable and grinned. "So what are you guys here for?"

"I'm here more involuntarily. During an event a while back, there was a virus that threatened to turn the world blue, to keep ourselves from melting into little blue puddles, I had to take a little bit of his healing factor and swap it with some of my DNA…wait, why do you look so happy about that?"

"Don't you know what this means?" Harry asked with a slightly manic grin. Cable shook his head mutely, not sure he was going to like hearing the answer. "It means Scott and Jean are my new grandparents! How awesome is that?"

Cable looked at him for a long silent moment. The wide smile never left the boy's face.

"You do know that this hasn't happened yet, because we're from the future, right?" Cable asked. Harry just brushed it away.

"If I wait for that I won't have that much time with my grandparents because Grammy Jean's just gonna die again," Harry explained. The other students, having been listening in from the beginning, just repeated the words: "die again," and tried to wrap their heads around the concept. Cable just agreed; he had to admit that the kid was right. "Oooo! This means Rachel's my aunt now!"

Cable massaged his temples thinking about how he was going to apologize to his quasi-half sister (or was it full because his mother was a clone of Jean?) from an alternate future that no longer exists. Scott Summers deserved the headaches and Jean honestly loved Harry as her own, so no apologies there.

Harry turned to Draco and grinned. "Isn't getting new family great?"

"I…I've never had the opportunity," Draco admitted.

* * *

Pomona Sprout sat across from the masked man with a certain level of nervousness. She normally didn't deal with the parents and even if she did run into them, they were usually Hogwarts graduates already. But this was a special case.

"How's Arthur doing in your class?" the man asked. She winced as he pulled up his mask to drink some of the tea. That was a _**lot **_of scar tissue.

"Aside from his rather sadistic pleasure in pulling up mandrake I have no complaints. He has an independent streak that is impossible to squash out."

"That's a good thing," Wade Wilson said. "If everybody's eating chimichangas and he wants to eat some real food, that's a good thing, a good choice. I don't really like chimichangas, I just like to say it. Chimichanga Chimichanga Chimichanga Chimichanga."

"er…yes," the Herbology professor said. She quickly changed the subject. "I am also the head of Harry's current house in school. He's radicalized the Hufflepuffs."

"What's a Hufflepuff?"

One explanation later:

"YOU PUT MY SON IN A HOUSE OF MINIONS?"

* * *

"Your child is a menace to the populace," Professor McGonagall said. "He is completely out of control. He has no self restraint and the biggest problem with that is that he never gives up. His determination has done him well in class, I would have to give him full OWLs for his transmutation work thus far, but his behavior is deplorable."

"He's a kid! Acting up is fine at his age!"

"HE BROUGHT A GUN TO SCHOOL!"

"What? It's not like he's killed anything with it," Deadpool said. "He just used it to wound a troll. I taught him long ago: 'Doorknobs don't kill people. I kill people.' It's something he's really taken to heart."

"You are a hideous person," McGonagall said flatly.

"Way to kick a guy when he's down! It's not my fault the healing factor that's keeping my cancer from killing me makes my skin all nasty! That was cruel! Really cruel!"

"I was referring to your personality," the transmutation professor said.

"Oh, well that's okay I guess," Deadpool admitted with a shrug.

* * *

"Your child has a real talent for potions, but he refuses to take it seriously," Snape said.

"Are you related to Dr. Morbius the Living Vampire? You look a lot like him," Deadpool said as he munched on a large sandwich.

"Uh, no…" Snape said slowly.

"Really? 'Cuz the resemblance is uncanny," Deadpool said. "Same hair, same skin tone, same tone of voice. But I think the Doc's American."

"Then I doubt there's any relation," was the potions professor's monotone response. "Getting back to the matter at hand…"

"Yeah, sure."

"Your child has inherited his mother's talent for potions. He has incredible potential," Snape stated in that same monotone. "If he would just stop attempting to make things ignite or explode he could be near the top of his class."

"Arthur's a budding pyro? I'm so proud that I think I'm gonna cry."

* * *

"Holy crap! You're short!" Deadpool said, looking down at the Charms professor.

"And you're an asshole!" Flitwick responded quickly.

"You know, I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship," Deadpool said.

* * *

Soon enough it was time for lunch. Dumbledore decided to have a picnic with all the students. The sun was bright and the lawn was magically cleared of snow and heated. The professors sat down in the middle. Deadpool spotted the purple clad Defense teacher and jumped to his feet, pointing accusatorially.

"Hey! You're that guy with the evil thing on your head!"

Professor Quirrell looked stunned for a second, but his demeanor changed in an instant.

"So you finally figured it out, foolish Potter," the professor snarled, pulling off his big purple hat. "I thought no one was going to suspect p-p-p-poor st-st-st-stuttering Quirrell."

"You're doing it wrong!" Harry said. "We're supposed to pull off your mask and you say: 'and it would have worked too, if it weren't you meddlesome kids!' and then we do the chase scene and you get arrested."

"But Arthur! We don't have dog!" Deadpool said. Harry's shoulders sagged.

"Yeah, no talking dogs," he grumbled sadly. Deadpool comforted him with a hand on his shoulder.

"Quirrell you fool!" said the back of Quirrell's head. "You should have just killed him when you had the chance!"

"Shut up! Can't you see we've got twenty wands pointed at us?" Quirrell said, arguing with the back of his head. "After my failure at Gringott's, Lord Voldemort chose to keep a better eye on me."

There was a hush as the general populace started muttering about the Dark Lord returning and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. A collective shiver of fear ran through the student body as they all wisely started backing up, out of spell range.

"Dude, you've got a face on the back of your head!" Harry said.

"Harry, why are you acting surprised? You told me this morning that you already knew about this," Dumbledore asked, a little confused.

"I'm just playing my part," Harry said innocently. He pointed his wand at Quirrell's feet. "Markus Exis!"

"What kind of spell is that?" Quirrell asked.

"Hey, it isn't like you guys are using real Latin either," Harry said. The professors noticed something and started backing away. Harry pointed at Quirrell's feet.

Glancing down, The former Defense professor suddenly realized there was a rather large and bright red X centered on his feet. As he moved, so did the X. "This isn't going to stop me Potter!"

"Meh," said Harry.

"Look up in the sky!" said Hermione, pointing upwards.

"It's a bird," said Draco.

"It's a plane?" asked Deadpool.

"No! It's-" said Harry and Cable in unison, "-Nora Jones' piano!"

The large musical instrument landed quite squarely on Quirrell's head, squashing him flat. The Shade of Voldemort started twisting upwards.

"Fools! This won't stop me! I shall have my revenge!" it bellowed, spiraling up into the sky and into the Forbidden Forest. "So sayeth Lord Voldemort!"

"You're doing it wrong!" Harry yelled. "You're supposed to say: 'Voldemort! Blasting off at the Speed of Light!'"

Deadpool just glanced at Cable with an accusatory look. "How'd _you _know that piano belonged to Nora Jones?"

Cable just shrugged. "I like Nora Jones."

* * *

Several thousand feet above Hogwarts:

"Are you sure we were supposed to drop that?" asked one delivery man from the FedEX plane.

"The guy paid with credit card and told us to drop it on the big red X," his superior said. "If Dr. Doom just wants to throw money away that's his problem."

* * *

"Well, it's time for us to go BACK TO THE FUTURE!" Deadpool said, pointing dramatically off into the distance.

"I'll miss you guys," Harry said, giving his father a hug.

"I won't miss you, 'cuz the future you is already staying at home," Deadpool said honestly. "I figured out your punishment."

"Really?" Harry said excitedly.

"Yep," Deadpool said. "You can't break the 4th wall for five chapters."

"What?" Harry exclaimed, scandalized by the punishment.

"Body Slide by Two!" There was a flash of light and the two vanished.

"You can't do this to me!" Harry screamed at the place they just vacated. "Damn you!"


	12. Chapter 12

**The need to be more observant...**

"Harry! What are you doing back here?" Professor X asked as the boy appeared in the fireplace.

"I was gonna be expelled so I came back here," Harry said.

"What do you mean you were going to be expelled?"

"I had a piano dropped on a teacher, so I figured it was a pretty sure bet," Harry said. "But don't worry, he had an evil back of the head."

"You killed a professor?"

"He didn't give me much choice," Harry said. "And I didn't kill all of him. The back of his head floated up into the sky and swore revenge. People tell me that the back of the head killed my birth parents."

Professor X just looked at him blankly for a moment. Harry took that moment to glance around and noticed that a good part of the Mansion was destroyed. He gave the professor a depressed look as red psionic armor started to coalesce around the former leader of the X-Men.

"Awe crap, you've turned evil haven't you?"

* * *

**Don't blame me, I'm just the Bazooki player**

It took Neville Longbottom several chapters to reach the Gates of Asgard as the Bifrost, the Rainbow Bridge was so very long. So long in fact that we're just getting back to him now. Neville pushed the door open and found himself transported to a mystical realm where Vikings got massively drunk, gods hung out and the occasional New Mutant got pressed into service.

The young wizard walked up to a particularly beautiful woman with black hair tied back in a braid. "Uh, the guy at the gate gave me his sword and told me to go to the All Father. Where can I find it?"

"The All Father is no IT young man-child," said the black haired beauty. "He is but Odin, Lord of Asgard and Father or Grandfather to many here in Asgard. Come, I shalt take thee to see him by mine own self, so sayeth Sif, Goddess of the Earth."

"Oh, uh, thank you," Neville said awkwardly. He stumbled along, still hefting Heimdall's sword in his arms. It was actually quite a heavy load for such a young man to carry. "Uh, why did Heimdall give me his sword? Shouldn't he have it?"

"He hath given his favour to thee Man-Child," Sif said. "'Tis a great honor for a mortal such as thyself to be granted such a boon."

"I'll have to thank him next time I see him," Neville said.

"I doth believe mine brother would appreciate such a gesture," Sif said with a smile. She led him to a long house. It stood taller than even Hogwarts and was longer than Diagon Alley. Grass greener and softer than Neville had ever seen grew from the sod roof. Sif opened a door and walked him in. Inside was an imposing one eyed man who wasn't Xander Harris, Nick Fury or Slade Wilson. "Father, I have brought mine brother's man-child friend to speak with thee."

"Ah, yes, I hath observed such," the imposing figure said. Neville squeaked a little as he noticed the wolves at the man's feet and the ravens at his shoulders. "Come now Neville Longbottom. Let me look at thee."

Neville did as he was told, standing as tall as he dared in the presence of such a person. "Ah, er, is everything okay? I should really be getting back to class."

"Nay, Neville Longbottom, son of Alice and Frank, stay a while and listen," the older deity commanded. Neville did as he was told, because it is never a good idea to argue with the guy who commands gods. "I have heard of your parent's condition. Upon my throne, all of Asgard and Midgard can be seen to me as if they were nothing but an open book. I have seen upon thy parents' affliction, and I know of no cure but one: The Dwarven Draught."

There was a hush among the observers at the name, as if it were something so rare even the gods considered it half legend. Odin was not done. "It is a terrible thing when a warrior such as thy parents be laid low, yet not afforded a glorious death. The Dwarven Draught can cure them of their affliction, yet 'tis no simple prize. It takes a man of great inner valor to quest for the Dwarven Draught, but nothing worth having ever comes without cost."

"I am a Gryffindor, I suppose I should find my courage somewhere," Neville said quietly.

"Ah! Yes! But knowest thou this, Neville Longbottom," he said. "'Tis always best if thou hath warriors at thy side, fellows in thy Quest." With that the king of the Aesir stood up and looked about the room. "Who here shalt Quest with young Neville?"

Several Viking looking people stood up and gave a raucous salute.

"I Tyr, God of Courage and Law should like to assist the young warrior in his Quest!" said a dark haired man with a mustache right out of Credence Clearwater Revival.

"And I shall go Father," said Sif, surprising the lot of them. "There be no reason why I should not. I might be no man, but that hath no bearing on my actions nor upon mine valor."

"Well said mine daughter," spoke her mother from the crowd. "But what shalt thou tell Thor, thine fiancée?"

"He be not mine keeper, I shalt tell him nothing," Sif said with some finality.

"But alas, I am here, so you hath no choice in such a venture," spoke a towering blond man wielding a large hammer. Neville's eyes grew as he saw the ease in which the man held it. "Man Child, how come ye to be here?"

"I uh, borrowed Harry's wand and ended up on the rainbow bridge back there," he said. He cringed a little as both Thor and a blond woman cursed Harry's name.

"Be he the Harry known as Son of Deadpool? And also as Arthur Wadesson?" said the woman. "I, Brunnhilda, Valkyrie wish to know."

"Uh yeah, Harry did say something about that," Neville admitted.

"ugh, I doth verily hate that child," Brunnhilda said grimly. "He didst follow me for one week singing Wagner. 'Tis a nice tune if one only hears it on occasion, but not if one must listen to it out of key and sung with the words 'Kill the Wabbat' for countless repetitions."

"Aye, 'tis true," said Thor. "'Twas mine own unfortunate luck to have that same child sing 'the Immigrant Song' near ev'ry time we doth meet. 'Tis true that Led Zeppelin are most noble skalds, but 'twas quite excessive."

"Uh, yeah, that's Harry Potter," Neville agreed.

And so it was agreed that Tyr, Sif and Brunnhilda would accompany Neville on his Quest for the Dwarven Draught. Indeed they would also act as teaches and guides to the young wizard in the hopes that he would one day wield the power granted to him by Heimdall, the Guardian of Asgard.

"Uh, where'd that voice come from?" asked Neville.

"Give it no mind, Young Neville," said Sif. "It doth happen often when Questing."


	13. Chapter 13

**And they say two heads are better than one...fools**

"Uh, hi Mr. Evil Professor Xavier," Harry said at the towering figure in red and purple armor. "I'd just like to say that all those times that someone put superglue on your wheel chair, it was always Bobby Drake and I had nothing to do with it."

"Interesting," said the massive armored neo-super-villain. "In one body there are two minds. So akin to possession, yet housed so differently at the same time."

"Yeah, I'd just like to say that I'm really happy you aren't trying to kill me right now," Harry said. "And if you'll excuse me, I'll just be using some of this fancy floo powder and heading back in the general direction of another continent."

Harry's hopes were dashed as the giant figure smashed the fireplace with one gigantic fist. "Plan B then. _**Look over there!**_

Harry pointed and promptly ran in the opposite direction.

"Did everyone escape?" Cyclops asked the rest of the X-Men. After the initial combat with Onslaught, they were nearly destroyed. Only luck and quick thinking had managed to keep them from death. Jean, having just managed to discover Onslaught's identity, was nearly unconscious.

"Cyclops?"

"Yeah?"

"Isn't that Harry?" Bishop asked, peeking out of their hiding place. The kid was running full tilt away from the ruins of the Xavier Mansion.

Wolverine sniffed the air. "Yep, it's him."

"Why isn't he still in school?" Cyclops asked rhetorically while massaging his temples.

* * *

"And the time that you had a Donald Trump wig taped to your head? That was Bobby too," Harry said as he ran away. "And the time that we put up the disco ball in the Danger room? Well, that was mostly me, but Bobby helped a lot. I also blame it on Dazzler, she's a bad influence." Harry turned the corner and kept on running towards the city. "And that time Mojo kidnapped us all? Well that was all Mojo, although I did give him the idea of Reality TV and Survivor. I heard he put a bunch of Kree and Skrulls on a deserted island for a year with no weapons or clothes, but that's not something kids my age are allowed to see, but not for violence reasons. It's a very popular show I understand." Harry kept running while he chugged a stamina potion he'd made in class last week. "And when I turned you blue and then pink? Well, I have it on good authority that Cable's gonna do it to the whole world in a couple of years, so we'll just blame it on him."

Harry glanced over his shoulder to see if Xavier was chasing him and ran right into Cyclops and fell on the ground. "Oh, hi Grampa Scotty. Did you know that the Professor went evil?"

"'Grampa'? Never mind," Scot Summers said. "Harry, why aren't you still safe at school?"

"There was an incident with another evil professor and Nora Jones' piano, which I will deny all involvement in, but it looks like it could be blamed on me, so I thought I should leave before I got expelled," Harry explained in one breath. Scot Summers squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. It was like he was trying not to get angry or something. Not that Harry had given him anything to be angry about.

"Harry, we need to get out of here now," Cyclops said. He knew perfectly well that the only reason they were alive was because Onslaught didn't see them as a threat.

"Get me to a fireplace," Harry said. Luckily for everyone involved, Wolverine knew of an old foundation that had a standing fireplace and chimney. Harry looked it over and shrugged. "It will take me a bit to backdoor the Floo network. Don't tell anyone I know how to do this 'cuz it's borderline illegal."

"I knew not that they had extradition for underage crime," Storm said, keeping a wary and weary eye on their surroundings.

"You kidding? They wouldn't even give me a trial," Harry said. A few minutes later, Harry had managed to enchant the monolithic fireplace into a magical transporter. "Okay, I need to start a fire. Crap, Neville took my wand of fireballs." He looked behind him. "Wait a minute, we don't have anybody who has fire powers now, do we?"

"Kid, we do it the old fashioned way," Wolverine said, taking a rock and a claw, he struck it until sparks started up on the small pile of tinder. "That enough?"

"Harry? Is something wrong?" Jean asked. "You've never been quite so serious about things."

"Sorry, but when the second most powerful telepath goes evil and has plenty of reasons to hate me, I start to worry," Harry said. He handed out a little bit of powder to each of the remaining X-Men. "This is Floo powder. Toss it in the fire, step in (it won't burn you when it's green) and say the name of the place you want to go. I'll have to fudge things a bit, but we should be able to get to the city with no problem, after that it's just a short walk to Avenger's Mansion or the Baxter Building."

"The Avengers," Storm said with some finality. The others agreed and one by one, they used the magic powder to reappear in a magical alley very similar to Diagon Alley in London. The locals, still a part of the grand xenophobic machine that was the Wizarding World, were not please and pointing wands.

When Harry, the last to go through the portal, finally arrived he found a stalemate.

"Harry, care to tell us what is going on?" Cyclops said, his hand set on the visor trigger, fully prepared to send his optic blasts freely at the opponents.

"Oh, they're probably not used to having non-wizards and witches go through the fireplace," Harry said. "But they can all go &%# themselves. We've got bigger fish to fry."

"HARRY!" yelled a scandalized Jean Grey.

"What?"

"You shouldn't use language like that, even if you don't like them," she told him.

"Sorry Gramma Jean," he said. Logan smirked and shrugged.

"Watch it kids, the natives are restless," Wolverine said gesturing to the wizards now much less calm.

"What are you doing here?" demanded one of them.

"Using the Floo network, obviously," Harry said with a roll of his eyes. "Now get out of the way before Logan gets angry."

Snikt!

The wizards jumped at the sight and sound of Wolverine's claws sliding out of his hands. They were steadily growing less calm. Cyclops was worried one of them might decide to take matters into their own hands and that was something the X-Men couldn't afford.

"Look, we're just trying to get through," Cyclops said. "We're just heading down the street, we don't mean any trouble."

"How dare you come here!" one of them snarled.

"oookay," Harry said, reaching into his backpack and pulling out a machine gun and his wand. "That's enough. Now get your worthless carcass out of the way or I'll be forced to make many little lethal holes in the lot of you."

"Ditto," said Logan, flexing his forearms as if in preparation to stab someone.

"You can't-" one protested, but cut himself off as Wolverine cut a table in half. The wizards finally had some sense and moved out of the way.

"Thank you," Harry said in an exasperated tone. Once they were out of the pub, Cyclops pulled him aside angrily.

"Harry! What do you think you were doing back there? We don't kill people!"

"I wasn't killing! I was bluffing. It's not a real doorknob," Harry said holding out the supersoaker in his hands. He sounded different, older and more cynical. Harry was…darker perhaps. "Minor transmutation to hide the coloring, that's all. Geeze. Give me some credit."

"Look, Harry, I'm sorry," Cyclops said, feeling ashamed. "I'm really proud that you're making progress."

"And besides, real bullets would have ricocheted all over the place," Harry said. "If I was going to kill them I'd do it from hiding, not in plain view of everyone. And if I was going to kill them all, I'd use a bomb. A big bomb."

"and now we're back to square one," Cyclops muttered to himself.

"Aren't we on the run from Evil Professor X?" Harry asked. "Why are we just hanging around?"

[Am I the only one who things Harry is acting strangely,] asked Jean telepathically to the rest of the X-Men.

[He is not his usual jovial self,] replied Storm. [And his first choice seems to be violence.]

[Somethin's wrong. Really wrong,] Logan put in. [Kid smells funny. Not fear, more like hungry, with a bit of snake in the mix. And it's coming from him, not his clothes.]

[I must agree, there is most certainly something wrong with young Harry,] Beast put in. [But let us observe for now. He has not yet done anything wrong.]

[Fine, but watch him. We don't know if the Professor did something to him,] Cyclops said. [And we don't know if he joined up either.]

When they finally arrived at Avenger's Mansion, having taken a short cut through Alphabet City, the sun was about to rise. They were exhausted, beaten and weary. The Vision had set them up with accommodations and they spent the next twelve hours sleeping. Except for Logan and Harry. Logan's healing factor set him up quickly, but Harry was doing something else. It was like he had no need for sleep. And he was casting spells like a child popping jellybeans in his mouth. Unfortunately, most people didn't understand enough about magic to see what was really going on.

They weren't protection spells at all. They were wards, dangerous wards.

Logan had been watching the kid, making sure that he wasn't a spy for Onslaught.

"What ya doing kid?"

"Fool! How dare you speak to me that way!" Harry snarled at the hirsute man. That was enough of a clue for Logan that something was wrong, but before he could react, Harry had brought up his wand and sneered. "_Crucio!_"

The unforgivable curse would have been debilitating to any other X-Man, but Logan had plenty of experience with pain. Usually it just got him angry and this was no exception. This was bad, but it didn't rank with loosing his adamantium; however he did feel his self control slipping. With a roar of fury, Wolverine struck out at the young wizard.

Momentarily blinded by rage, Wolverine thought he had killed the wizard. He gained his self control when he realized a red, white and blue shield was protecting the kid.

"What is going on here?" commanded Captain America. Taking a gulp of air, Logan pulled back his claws, struggling to get himself under control.

"Cap look out!" Wolverine yelled, but it was too late. Harry cast another spell, this time directed at the super soldier, sending him flying against the far wall with a sickening crack.

"Useless creatures," snarled Harry's body.

"You're not Harry, bub," Wolverine growled, still momentarily stunned by rage and fury he had felt a slight moment before.

"I am more than your paltry mind could conceive," snarled the entity inhabiting Harry's body. He thrust his wand at the mutant with a furious flourish. "_Avada-_"


	14. Chapter 14

**The power of the inner monologue compels him...**

Harry Potter understood what had happened. Evil Professor X had done something to him, put something in him or something. All he knew was that something was controlling his body. That thing called itself Lord Voldemort. Where had he heard that before? Sure did seem familiar.

The possession had started insignificant like a creeping cancer. Onslaught's actions had slowly, but surely allowed the entity to take over Harry's body. It made Harry feel sick, but he hadn't even noticed the other presence until it had already taken control. However, as soon as it happened, Harry began his counter assault.

"Hey! That's my body you're using!"

"No," said Voldemort. "It is mine! That creature recognized my deserving nature and gave me that which you never used to your potential."

"You do realize this means war, right?" he said in his best wasqually wabbat voice.

"There is nothing you can do," sneered the semi-undead wizard.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Cackled Harry in a fit of mental madness. "You have no idea who you're up against!"

"You can do nothing to harm me," Voldemort sneered in his own perceived superiority.

"They already know you aren't me," Harry said with a grin. "It's just a matter of time before they kick your ass."

"They will only harm your body and that will have no effect on me," Voldemort sneered.

"You're a dumbass. Some of those guys have been wanting to hurt me for years. (Of course it's no fault of my own: clearly it's just misplaced anger considering my dad)," Harry said. "And there's nothing that says I'm powerless either, because _I've got ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer, Take one down, pass it around, ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall-_

"You attempts at annoying me are useless," the bodiless wizard said with a superior grin.

"_Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-eight bottles of beer, Take one down, pass it around, ninety-seven bottles of beer on the wall. __Ninety-seven bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-seven bottles of beer, Take one down, pass it around, ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall__. __Ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-six bottles of beer, Take one down, pass it around, ninety-five bottles of beer on the wall. __Ninety-five bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-five bottles of beer, Take one down, pass it around, ninety-four bottles of beer on the wall__. __Ninety-four bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-four bottles of beer, Take one down, pass it around, ninety-three bottles of beer on the wall. __Ninety-three bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-three bottles of beer, Take one down, pass it around, ninety-two bottles of beer on the wall__. __Ninety-two bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-two bottles of beer, Take one down, pass it around, ninety-one bottles of beer on the wall. __Ninety-one bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-one bottles of beer, Take one down, pass it around, ninety bottles of beer on the wall__. __Ninety bottles of beer on the wall, ninety bottles of beer, Take one down, pass it around, eighty-nine bottles of beer on the wall. __Eighty-nine__ bottles of beer on the wall, __eighty-nine__ bottles of beer, Take one down, pass it around, __eighty-eight __bottles of beer on the wall__! _"

"You might as well stop, it is having no effect." The voice said. "I will use your body to usher in a new wave of pureblooded domination of the Wizarding World! There is nothing you can do to stop me!"

**"Second verse same as the first! A whole lot louder and a whole lot worse!" **He continued for more than ten thousand repetitions, a truly maddening amount, but it didn't seem to work that well, so Harry changed tactics.

"I'd like to introduce my guest for the night, Arthur Bea Wilson," Harry said, gesturing to the mental personification of his superhero persona. "Arthur, take a bow."

Arthur took a bow.

"Now, as our next piece, I'm going to sing that eternal classic by Aqua: Barbie Girl!" Harry felt a twinge of anger from the possessing spirit.

Harry sang Aqua's "Barbie Girl" in his head at the top of his metaphorical lungs (considering it was all in his head). With each verse there was a little bit more anger. He would have really sung it, but he didn't want the writer to get in trouble with the hosting site's rules.

"It just wouldn't do to have this canned," Harry said to the readers. "Wait, can you delete that? It hasn't been five chapters yet."

* * *

"So Arthur, how many branches are there on a pureblooded family tree?"

_"Branches?"_ Arthur asked with a shrug and a smirk. _"You can't have branches if you marry family! Maybe they should call it the family lamppost instead? What's the point of inbreeding if you don't do it right?"  
_

"So if purebloods are so swimingly superior, how do you explain Crabbe and Goyle?" Harry asked.

_"Someone peed in their gene pool,"_ cackled Arthur Bea Wilson. _"Bah-dah-bum-chiii!"_

A little more anger.

Voldemort felt his urge to kill rising, but found himself prevented from harming the little cretin by some great power. It was very familiar.

"Hey Moldy Wart! How many pureblooded wizards does it take to screw in a light bulb?" Harry asked the dominating personality in his body.

_"What's a lightbulb?"_ Arthur asked with a smirk. They both glanced over and realized the mental personification of the possessing spirit was getting red in the face from anger.

"Now, Arthur, how many really?" Harry asked.

_"Eleven,"_ Arthur said. _"One to cast the shrinking charm and ten to screw their cousins until the bulb starts to spin."_

Their cackling **definitely** got a bit of a reaction.

"Would you cease your prattle? As you can see I'm attempting to kill your friend here!" bellowed the possessing wizard.

"Wow, your mental personification in my head is really an **_$$#0!e._** You know what? Just for that I'm going to sing all of Madonna's greatest hits as if I was Billy Holiday, and I _really_ don't have the voice for that," Harry said indignantly. He took a deep breath and did just that.

Now mind you, all this was going on as Voldemort was hacking the Floo network and "pretending" to be Harry. As one could see, he wasn't doing a very good job of it. Having only limited access to Harry's memories, he was unable to perfectly impersonate Harry. His insanity was also of a very different variety than Harry's, and not very compatible at that. Just as Voldemort was about to use the killing curse on Captain America, Harry decided to belch the entire Der Ring des Nibelungenin in German and used his mental armpit as the base. Arthur took all the female parts, but sang them as if he were Carrot Top.

And that last little bit pushed Voldemort over the edge.

"I WILL DESTROY YOU HARRY POTTER!" the Dark Lord screamed as he tried to mentally strangle Harry's metaphysical form, which, of course, he couldn't do because of a certain bit of Ancient Magic.

_"What about me?"_ asked Arthur, feeling a little left out. The Dark Wizard's concentration broken, Harry managed to at least haul a stalemate out of the whole deal while they magically and mentally fleshed out new plans.

"Guk guk guk! What a maroon!" Harry said in his best Bugs Bunny.

Back in the real world, the Killing curse never went off. Harry's body went stiff and fell over like a bent caber. Wolverine shared a look with Captain America.

"You know Cap. I didn't see that one coming," Wolverine said as he retracted his claws once more.


	15. Chapter 15

**Back to school sale...**

* * *

Deadpool's Note:  
Other events have taken place, for that storyline, read the Onslaught crossover event, I, Deadpool recommend it, even if I don't really show up. Oh, and Chimichanga.

* * *

In his palace, Doctor Victor von Doom, Monarch of Latveria, was pleased. He was on another planet, on a completely different earth positioned on the exact opposite of the sun. On this Counter-Earth, there was no one to take his credit card or ruin his mood. There were no annoying CSRs to annoy him with the mutinae of his score and service charges. Smiling under his mask, he leaned back and had a doombot feed him a grape.

Life was good.

Maybe he'd go attack the Fantastic Four just for fun.

"Master Harry!"

Doom jumped up, disturbed by the sudden appearance of the diminutive and misshapen creature. At first he mistook it for Puck from Alpha Flight, but this seemed to have better hygiene.

"WHO DARES DISTURB DOCTOR DOOM'S REST AND RELAXATION!" he bellowed in his usual speaking voice.

"Dobby's looking for Harry Potter," said the creature, who was presumably Dobby. "Got to warn him. Danger at Hogwarts!"

"DOOM KNOWS NO PERSON AS HARRY POTTER!"

"Dobby was sure Master mentioned Latveria, but Dobby knew there were two. Dobby gots wrong Latveria. Bad, bad Dobby!" Dobby said. It then started hitting itself on the head. Viewing it as entertainment, Doctor Doom leaned back and enjoyed the show.

* * *

"Students, fellow teachers, staff," Dumbledore said at the opening of what should have been Harry's second year. "I have an announcement to make." He glanced around to make sure that everyone was looking. "I regret to inform you that Harry Potter is dead."

There were screams of outrage and grief. There were sobs and many people bemoaning his fate. There were rather loud sighs of relief from the head table.

"I was informed recently that he died trying to save the world, or he died getting in the way of people trying to save the world (I'm not sure, the letter was a little vague on that). But it remains that Harry Potter is dead."

He let the idea sink in. "And as such, I feel it would honor his memory to have his father's idea of Parent Teacher Conferences mandated to all students. There is nothing more wonderful than a parent who cares enough for his child to come back from the future to look after him. From now on, once a year, just before the Break, we shall have your parents arrive here to collect you. Once here, your professors will inform them of your progress."

"Mum and Dad knowing exactly what we've been doing?" Fred asked incredulously.

"Everything? Even that one with the Slytherin prefect and the goat?" asked George in the same incredulous tone.

"DAMN YOU HARRY POTTER!" they screamed in unison. "DAMN YOU TO HELL!"

* * *

"My fellow Hufflepuffs," Cedric Diggory began. "Today we morn the founder of our movement, Harry Potter." There was a long moment of silence before Cedric Diggory stood up and saluted in the direction of the bed Harry once slept in. He turned to his fellow Hufflepuffs and gave them a look of pure determination. "But hear this: this is not the end of the movement!"

_"Yeah!"_ cheered the hufflepuffs.

"He may have given his life for the world, but his death shall be a symbol!" Cedric Diggory said. "Let our movement go beyond the borders of Hogwarts! Bring our parents, our siblings, let them join with us in our quest! Let our movement be the guide for their lives. Let it be known in all of the Wizarding World as the Badger Revolution!"

_"Hurray!"_ they screamed. "Hurray for the Badger Revolution!"

* * *

"Harry Potter is dead," mused Draco Malfoy aloud. "That changes things slightly. My father spoke of these things, the changing situation as his compatriots try and find their way. How best to twist this to my advantage."

There was some unintelligible mumblings coming from the corner. Glancing up, he noticed that Goyle had tried to talk and walk at the same time. The effort had made him half swallow his tongue.

"You're useless Goyle," growled Draco Malfoy. "Useless."

After helping the hapless wizard back to his feet, Draco stalked away, pondering the idea that anyone that stupid couldn't possibly be his equal or superior to anything.

* * *

Some weeks later, Dumbledore was lamenting Harry's death to the other not-quite-so-sympathetic professors. "After his public execution of Quirrell, there is no doubt in anyone's mind that Voldemort is not fully dead. Death Eaters have been out in force. Harry Potter's death will only embolden them."

"I'm not dead!"

"Yes, you are, I've got the letter to prove it," Dumbledore said sadly before snapping his head up in surprise. "_Harry?_"

The boy wizard just smirked and shrugged. "I got better."

"It was a massive crossover event that Marvel uses to bump up sales every couple of years," Harry said. "Awe crap. I just broke the 4th wall again! Dad's gonna kill me! And I almost made it to five chapters, too. Well, this is the 5th chapter, so maybe that counts? Or is it the 4th? I think the author combined a couple to make the chapters of more even length, so..." Harry thought for a moment as they walked into the great hall. "But since Dad was from the future when he grounded me…meh, I can probably get away with it." Turning back to the confused crowd. "Sorry, my old Professor went evil and tried to destroy the world. It's cool, he's back. Well, kidnapped by a racist Hitler-esque guy who works with the US Government, but he's still alive and well." Harry pondered a thought a little. "Wait…if he's prejudiced against mutants, wouldn't that make him a speciesest? Is that even a word? And the whole mutant species/subspecies thing was never really hammered out, so it's all a little confusing." He looked back at the crowd. "You guys have no idea what I'm talking about do you?"

There was a moment of stunned silence before a huge number of people surged over to him, ending up in a jumbled mess somewhere between a riot and a group hug. Harry took advantage of the situation and introduced the Wizarding World to crowd surfing and the peace sign.

"I've decided to start in Ravenclaw this time," Harry told Dumbledore after dinner. "I didn't get to go there last time, so I figured I'd better start there."

"Harry, that isn't really your choice…"

"Nope, the Sorting Hat told me to do it," Harry said.

"Don' worry 'bout it kid," the hat said from next to him. "Dis guy ain't doin' nutin', if ya know what I'm saying, yea kid?"

"So what do you do the rest of the year?" Harry asked.

"Well, not much," the Sorting Hat admitted. "But I wuz thinkin' 'bout professional assassination. Nobody'd evah blame a hat!"

"Cool, I'll talk to my dad and see if he can get you some contacts," Harry said. "So what's the password so I can move in to Ravenclaw?"

* * *

Harry's first class of the year was Defense Against the Dark Arts. The self-aggrandizing heartthrob professor was just slightly brighter than the chair Harry was sitting in, which was actually impressive, because Harry had decided to make it glow for no apparent reason. However, Lockheart also had the wisdom score of your average animated skeleton in a first level campaign.

"Now, can anyone tell me the best way to get rid of pixies?"

"Bird shot," Harry called out without raising a hand.

"I'm not familiar with that technique," admitted Lockhart.

"It's pretty simple, you just point and shoot," Harry said before blasting the cage of pixies with the shotgun. The rest of the class cowered from the noise and violence. "It's more fun if they're flying around."

"Harry Potter!" Hermione Granger said sternly. "Don't you know guns are illegal in Britain?"

"I guess it's a good thing I didn't bring any," Harry said.

"Then what's that in your hand?" she demanded angrily, pointing to the double barreled, lever action shotgun in his hand.

"Oh, that's just a doorknob," Harry said with a shrug. Looking up at the readers he grinned. "What's the point of a running joke if you don't use it from time to time?"

* * *

In the teachers' lounge, Professors Snape and Flitwick were sitting around a cup of tea discussing their students when the inevitable topic of Harry Potter came up.

"So you say he's be working on a charm to suck creatures forward," Snape asked.

"Yes, though I don't know why," Flitwick said taking a sip from his cup. "The practical implications are fairly insignificant. The Summoning Charm is much more useful."

"It has been rather strange," Snape admitted. "He's been rather studious. Nearly a month and he hasn't tried to blow anything up, no demons accidentally or intentionally summoned and no trouble aside from shooting those pixies in Defense. He's even been working ahead in potions. I suppose he takes after his mother in that regard. She was quite gifted in the field, you know."

"Has he been working on any projects with you?"

"He has been interested in the Shrinking Solution," Snape said. "I normally don't teach it until the 4th year, but he's working hard. I just wonder what is going to come next."

"Yes, his good behavior is rather ominous, isn't it?" asked Flitwick.

"Yes, quite."

Their fears would only grow as Harry continued with his work. He didn't even do anything to have points deducted. The teachers' room meetings were becoming a regular thing.

"He has been asking many questions about transmutation," McGonagall said. "Mostly size transmutations, but also sound and shape."

"He's been working on a singing charm now as well," Flitwick said. "It sings a song, but there's something more to it. I don't really know. He was muttering something about diffusion rates when he was in the library."

"He has mastered the Shrinking Solution and developed a sort of trigger mechanism to make it a situational setting," Snape said.

"What do you mean?"

"He's managed to make a trigger to turn it on and off," Snape said. "I am beginning to worry about what he is about to do next."

The entire staff, minus Hagrid and Dumbledore (who both thought Harry could do no wrong), knew this was the calm before the storm. They just wanted to know what kind of storm it was going to be. All they could be sure of was that it would be bad.

* * *

In the shadows of Diagon Alley, a group of people were meeting who had not met in nearly eleven years. Led by Lucius Malfoy, they included the elder Crabbe and Goyle, and others associated by another dark title: Death Eater. Granted, if you used that in superhero circles, they'd be laughed at, but in the Wizarding World, that was a terrifying name. But you've also got to understand, they think Bellatrix, Andromeda and Narcissa are a sweet names for a child, and that's just the Black family. If you had those names in a regular high school you'd be a steady victim of ridicule. Now, in this grouping of former Death Eaters, there were a few exceptions. Severus Snape and that guy who taught at Durmstrang were among the missing, as were all incarcerated in Azkaban.

"I assume you're aware that the Dark Lord's shade still exists," Lucius Malfoy said. "He appeared in Hogwarts last year as a parasite living in Quirrell."

"The war is over, they'll just hunt us down again," put in a nameless Death Eater.

"Do we know where the Dark Lord is now?"

"No, but by all accounts, he did quite vocally swear revenge against the Potter child," Lucius explained. "We thought him dead. He will be…displeased that we have not sought him out."

"But he is a shade," put in one of the party. "He's not the wizard who brought us together."

"We need to make a decision," another old Death Eater pondered.

* * *

Harry was working in the lab, late one night, when his eyes beheld an eerie sight. His project in the lab, to his surprise, in mid winter started to attract flies. It must have been the mash.

"It's _alive**!**_ It's_ **ALIVE!**_" Harry cackled as he shot his experiment with lightning from his spare wand. Grinning, the experiment was a success. Harry picked up his finalized product and set out to the Forbidden Forest.

* * *

"Hagrid, you spotted him heading to the Forbidden Forest?" asked a worried Dumbledore. "Alone?"

"Aye, he didn't come when I called, so I came an' got ye," Hagrid said.

"We must find him at once!"

The two trudged out into the Forbidden Forest only to find a grinning Harry walking back out. The boy wizard held out his project and grinned evilly.

"It works," Harry called out ominously. _"It works!"_

He wouldn't explain anything more about it, no matter what Dumbledore asked. The Headmaster was actually forced to take points away from Ravenclaw. After this, even Hagrid was getting a little worried about what Harry was up to. Later, Hagrid would wonder where Buckbeak had taken off to.

* * *

When the warning of the Chamber of Secrets was painted on the wall, everyone thought Harry would be worried, and frankly my readers, he didn't give a damn.

People were seriously creeped out by the way he would blithely walk past people who had been petrified. Flitwick did have to admit that he was exhibiting the appearance of a Ravenclaw, with almost perfect grades, attending all his classes and even making time to work on a few side projects. But considering his first year, this action seriously disturbed the Charms Professor.

"Boohoohoohoo," moaned Moaning Myrtle. She actually said the words, rather than use them as a textual Onomatopoeia.

"What do you want?" Harry asked, rolling his eyes at the second most annoying ghost at Hogwarts.

"My bathroom's flooded," she said.

"Why's that my problem?"

"You're Harry Potter."

"Nope, I'm Alexander the Great Potter, known in all the lands for my skill at manipulating clay," Harry said.

"Really?"

"No, not at all."

"Somebody tried to flush a diary," she moaned. Harry, annoyed by the moaning, decided to shut her up. To do so, he blew up the entire bathroom with a pumpkin bomb. Contrary to popular belief, not all of them are armed before the Green Goblin chucks them around. Interestingly enough, Harry found a long tunnel. At the end was a door wrapped in golden snakes.

"Well Nancy, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"I think so Harry, but where are we going to get a can of cheese wiz that huge?"

"Sam's Club." Harry pointed at the door again. "Someone should open this thing," Harry asked his snake. Nancy nodded in agreement. To both their surprises, the door swung wide. Watching them from the other side was a very big serpent glaring at them both with big angry teeth.

The serpent reared in a fit of rage. Harry, a little angry that the big snake wasn't paying attention, tossed the diary at it, which it promptly ate. Seemingly mollified, the snake settled down on the floor and closed it's eyes, which was really weird, because snakes don't have eyelids. Harry grinned.

"I totally call dibs."

* * *

Later, when the professors noticed the massacred bathroom, the tunnel and open doorway, they rightfully surmised that this was the Chamber of Secrets, but whatever had been in there was long gone.

"So it is true," Dumbledore said. "The Chamber of Secrets has opened for the second time. Who could possibly be the Heir of Slytherin this time?"

"Well, it's not me," Hagrid said. "You all know me better 'en that."

"Rubbish," snarled Snape. "Of course it wasn't you! It wasn't you in the first place! We all know who it was last time and we know perfectly well who it is this time! It's Potter!"

"Harry has none of Slytherin's blood in his veins," Dumbledore cautioned.

"Then who else in this school carries around muggle explosives?" Snape asked angrily, holding up a box labeled C-4 and Pumpkin Bombs in the boy's distinctive handwriting.

"It's Harry," said Flitwick, nodding sagely.

"It's certainly Harry Potter," said McGonagall, nodding gravely.

"It could be none other than Harry Potter," said Sprout, nodding sadly.

_"The red chicken will crow at the last stroke of midnight even if she's a hen,"_ said Trelawney, nodding off.

She was momentarily awakened when she noticed the other professors looking at her. "What did I say?"

* * *

"So I'm a Slytherin now," Harry said, moving his pets and possessions into the dungeon. "Gotta admit, it's the first time I've ever lived underground. I think I'll call you guys hobbits."

"Does he ever shut up?" asked an upperclassmen.

"No," Draco said. "No, he doesn't."

"Can we make him shut up?"

"I seriously doubt it," Draco said. "You saw the man who raised him. Potter is actually more subdued than his reputation makes him out to be. However, he uses that as a mask for his real intentions. Everything he does is subterfuge for another goal. He is much more Slytherin than you might think."

The prefect sneered slightly. "He's a halfblood raised by muggles: he's no Slytherin."

"What's a halfblood?" Harry asked, having heard the entire conversation.

One explanation about Pureblooded Wizarding Families later:

"That is one of the most disgusting things I've ever experienced," Harry said with a deadpan face. "And that includes watching hotdogs be made."

"What?" Draco said, very surprised at the reaction. He was expecting a joke, perhaps directed at him, but some kind of zaniness that Potter was known for. The prefect was not so stunned, but instead prone to anger.

"You little muggleloving pile of shite," snarled the Prefect. Harry kicked him in the balls.

"You don't get to talk to me that way," Harry said as the prefect doubled over before walking to his room.

Crabbe and Goyle looked on, inwardly and outwardly seething in anger as they noticed _their_ friend talking in a friendly tone to Harry Potter. He was a gryff-wait, he was in Slytherin now, but he used to be in Gryffindor, so he was still one, yeah, that was it. They were going to teach him a lesson.

That plan would be formed and put into place two weeks later, because it took the two iconic figures of inbreeding that long to rub their working brain cells together. The plan was predictably simple: 1. find Harry Potter; 2. beat Harry Potter up. After that they hadn't really thought things through. The key part was they forgot that Draco Malfoy usually kept them from getting in over their heads.

Potter was found, predictably, in the Potions rooms after classes had ended, working on his latest project. He walked out to find his way blocked by a wall of pureblooded blubber and muscle.

"Oh, the bookends, what are you doing here?" Harry asked. Actions were proven louder than words as Crabbe pulled back his arm to punch the smaller kid. Harry took that opportunity to punch the taller kid in the throat. He then elbowed Goyle in the gut and boxed his ears. He then axe kicked the doubled over Goyle in the back of the head, sending him flying to the floor. Using a bit of a judo throw, Harry grabbed the arm of the recovering Crabbe and tossed him onto the floor next to his friend. The two meaty students looked up to see Harry standing tall and a bunch of angry yellow mice surrounding them.

"You two are stupider than I gave you credit for," Harry said, dusting himself off. "I was raised by one of the best mercenaries in the world, I consider the Taskmaster an uncle and I'm a semi-X-Man. You think I haven't been trained to protect myself? I was given martial arts training before I could talk…well maybe not that young, but it was from before I can remember. Definitely between chapters two and three. Yeah, I might get beaten up from time to time, but that's usually because I don't always think things through. And to my credit, the last real beatings I've had were from the Juggernaut and Onslaught, both A-list bad guys, and I survived. Not well grant you, but I'm still alive. You two aren't even D-list. If you're lucky, you might make the Double Z-list"

Crabbe tried to get up, but the angry little mice zapped him with electricity. Harry stepped on his wand hand. "Don't try this again."

* * *

Harry was annoyed by this attention he was getting in Slytherin. All of them expected him to just fall in line. Screw that, the little inbred bastards were about to get what was coming to them.

* * *

Deadpool's note the second:

Not that funny was it? Nope, If you haven't noticed, my little Harry's having a little trouble with the funnies lately. It might have something to do with being possessed or having his head messed up by an A-list super-villain. Or it might have something to do with really cheap fast food. Damn those dollar menus and man the ballistas!

Or it could have something to do with the writer getting plenty of sleep and not much caffeine. That would explain some things.

Well, that's all for now. If you'll excuse me, I've got to go jump a shark while killing a guy across the harbor. Laters!


	16. Chapter 16

**Strum, strum, strum.**

The next morning, Draco Malfoy got up to brush his teeth, bumping into a limping Gregory Goyle. The instant they touched, they started hearing music. It started slow at first, seeming to be generated from one and then the other, alternating as they went, but soon the tempo was almost frantic. Surprised, they jumped apart.

"Stop that!" commanded Draco.

"I'm not doing it!" moaned a scared Goyle.

"You must be! It started when you showed up!" snarled Draco to the other pureblooded wizard. The blond wizard brought up his wand and pointed it right between Goyle's eyes. "Cease it!"

Goyle ran away and the music stopped. Draco cleaned up and started back towards the common room, Passing by several people, he thought he heard the soft plunking of the original music, but as he went up to his room, there was no sound. Dressing, he met up with Pansy Parkinson again. This time the music blared into action.

"What is that miserable noise?" Parkinson asked.

"I do not recognize it, but I have my suspicions of the source," Draco said, marching towards the door. He ran right to his House Head before breakfast, but was chased all along by the strange music. The faster Parkinson and Malfoy ran the fast the tempo got until it was nearly maddening. Out of breath, Draco leaned up against the wall outside the great hall.

"Professor Snape, someone has pranked me," Draco called out. He pointed to a particular set of redheaded twins. "I suspect the usual suspects."

"And what would this prank be?"

"I'm cursed with music."

"I don't hear anything," Snape said, raising a doubting eyebrow.

"But it was just playing!"

"The only sound I have heard since you approached has come out of your mouth and it's a far cry from music," Snape said. Morag McDougall passed by on the way to her seat and the music started up again.

"There! I know you heard it that time!"

"Yes, I did," Snape said. "And does this only happen around Parkinson?"

"No, Goyle, Crabbe, the prefects," Draco said. From inside the eating room, they started hearing the music again. This time, however, the source was not Draco.

"Yes, I shall have to look into this," Snape said in his usual drawn out tone.

Meanwhile, the music was spreading like the common cold in a daycare center. Soon, as people passed by each other, the song grew louder as more and more people generated the music. And it wasn't just in the Slytherin house anymore, it had spread to the other three, although not as prevalent. The Weasleys, all five of them currently in school, were emitting it as loud as any Slytherin.

"Wait," commanded Snape. "Why aren't you playing right now?"

"I don't know, it stopped when I went up to you," Draco said.

"Malfoy, go stand next to a Weasley," Snape ordered. Draco Malfoy looked like his trust had been broken in the most horrid way. "Do as I say, Malfoy."

Malfoy walked right up to Fred and George Weasley and by the time he got within five feet he started playing the music again and theirs had grown in volume.

"You did this, you filthy blood traitors!" accused Draco angrily.

"Hey! It's happening to us too!" one of the twins protested.

"I'd give you-" started the second twin before he was cut off by Snape.

"That's enough," the potions professor ordered. "Granger, join Malfoy at the back wall."

If Draco Malfoy wasn't insulted before, he was now. To be singled out and be forced to stand next to a mudblood was the worst thing he could imagine. Well not really, but it felt like it was at the moment.

"Why should I?" demanded Hermione Granger.

"I refuse!" snarled Draco.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor for arguing with your professor. Fifty points from Slytherin for refusing to obey your house head," snarled Snape right back at them. Shocked at the image of Snape actually docking points from Slytherin, the two promptly moved to the back wall. The music instantly stopped. Hermione raised her hand. "What is it Granger?"

"Why is everyone playing Dueling Banjos?" she asked.

"You know the music?" Snape asked.

"Uh, yes," she said, starting to blush. "It's, uh, from a movie. A movie is a-"

"I am familiar with the concept. What is this particular movie about, Granger?" Snape said, cutting her off.

"It's about an inbred kid from the deep south (in the States) with a special ability with banjos. I'm not really supposed to have seen it," she admitted. "I'm a bit young."

"And that would explain why only purebloods are affected," Snape muttered under his breath, too quiet for Draco to hear, but Hermione heard it all.

"That means you're not-"

"Granger, I am quite capable of eliminating any personal curses and hexes used on me," Snape snapped.

"Uh, right, of course you are Professor," she said in a tone full of disbelief, slowly backing away, though she was clearly filing away the information for use at a later date.

"Only a muggle born or muggle raised could have done this," mused Snape. He immediately dismissed most possibilities. It obviously wasn't Granger, she would never do such a thing. It could only be a student raised by an American, and that left only one possibility: Harry Potter.

Strangulation continued to resemble a better choice of action.

* * *

The young wizard in question was extraordinarily bored. Super mega extremely extraordinarily bored, to be exact. The "Insult the Inbreds Initiative" was not going nearly as well as he had hoped. There was that lack of understanding on the part of the targets. A certain popular culture that wasn't that popular.

Harry ran back to his room and gave his wand a flick, packing up all his belongings.

"Screw this," he said to no one in particular. "I'm gonna go hang with Excalibur."

* * *

About two days later the young would-be super-hero showed up on the doorstep of a particularly strange light house.

"Kurt! Kitty! Auntie Rachel!" he called out. Inside, they looked at each other with shocked and confused looks. The blue skinned swashbuckler shook his head.

"Don't speak, maybe he'll just go away if he doesn't know we're here," the German mutant suggested. Kitty Pryde nodded and mimicked zipping her mouth shut.

Unfortunately, Harry got bored and took an axe to the front door.

"Heeeere's Harry!"

* * *

Deadpool's Note: Paddle, check! Canoe, check! Banjo, check! Duel, che-well, not yet I suppose.


	17. Chapter 17

**Making a bad situation worse...He's good at that.**

In far off Asgard, Neville was learning that those Western movies Harry showed never really explained what saddle sores were. He had awakened to the stark reality. Basically everything hurt. And what hurt, hurt a lot.

"Ah, setting sun. We shalt camp here to continue your sword training," Brunhilda said.

"Is the blade supposed to be longer than I am tall?" he had asked once, rather naively.

"Aye," the Valkyrie had replied, much to his dismay. She said a lot of things that were much to his dismay.

"Training" as she called it, was really just him trying to hold up a sword. After several hours of sword lifting came two hours of shield training. Shield "training" involved him cowering behind a shield while Tyr hit it with a sword and (according to Neville) not pulling the blows enough. After that Sif would take him on long runs where he was taught all about the natural world and exercised to the point of exhaustion. She'd also give him surprise fencing tests where she'd randomly attack him with her sword. She was really pretty, but really scary.

And then came magical training which lasted well into the night where he was taught by all three. Basically his companions alone were much more terrifying than anything Snape could have ever done. Together they were almost too much to imagine and he'd been working with them for months. The magical training was the hardest.

"Hmm…perhaps we'll have to hang thee," mused Tyr, stroking his beard in contemplation. The Valkyrie shrugged.

"'Twas of good use to Odin," she said simply. Neville's eyes grew very wide as he was dragged off to a particularly large tree with rune marked leaves.

"I-I-I think I'll do well the other way," he protested.

"Nonsense," said Sif, holding out a noose. "Art thou a size sixteen and a half?"

_"!"_

* * *

**In the Excalibur Lighthouse...**

"So," said Captain Britain. "You skipped school, dodged the people tracking you and escaped here because you were bored."

"Yeah, wouldn't you be if you were stuck with a whole bunch of inbred fools who are so backwards they think the feminist movement is a bowel problem?"

"I cannot say I've had the experience to compare," the eponymous British superhero said, scratching his jaw in thought. "And you really might not want to use that particular phrasing to describe them that way in the future."

"One of them really asked me that. Hermione corrected them. And you know, if I'd asked something like that she would have strangled me, she just went into teacher mode instead. Stupid double standard."

Kitty Pryde cut them off and dragged the conversation back on topic. "Why are you here?"

"Well, since I'm an X-men, or is that X-Man, but X-Man is the interdimentional clone of Cable, who is sort of my uncle because he swapped DNA with my dad, well not yet, but he will because they visited me last year from the future so I know it will happen or something because all that time travel stuff is really confusing and causing new realities to pop up all over the multi-verse, and I guess that makes X-Man, also known as Nate Grey, my uncle as well, which makes everything so confusing, because then there is only one real X-Man, but a group of X-Men. But anyways, I was thinking that since I'm one of the X-Men, we should totally have a team up. But let's skip the obligatory mistaken identity thingy where we fight each other until we realize it's all part of some bad guys' plans who decided to swap heroes in the hopes that they could defeat each other's nemesis and so then we can team up and defeat them together preemptively and then we can party and I know some great places around if you need suggestions."

The collective members of Excalibur stared blankly at the rambling mass of words and sought out the meaning within. His mind was a very scary place.

"Wait," said Rachel Summers, the interdimenional daughter of Scott Summers and Jean Grey from the future that no longer exists, pausing the conversation. "This is why you keep calling me 'Auntie Rachel'?"

"Yup!" said Harry happily, giving her a little hug.

"I'll be the first one to say that's a little creepy," Kitty Pryde said.

"I second," said Kurt.

"I third," said Colossus.

"There's nothing weird about family," Harry said. "It's not my fault the family's all screwy. That happened long before I was involved."

"You're family is very confusing," Captain Britain admitted to his redheaded teammate.

"You're the one to talk," Rachel said. "You got your powers from Avalon and your sister isn't even biologically related to you anymore since she swapped bodies with Revenant. Oh, and your father isn't even a native of this plane of existence. That's not even mentioning your big brother."

"Hmmm…" he said. "I can see your point."

It was about then that they heard the door open. Harry quickly pulled on his mask, turning into his alter ego, Arthur Bea Wilson and shot the intruder with his trank gun. _"Ha! Take that evil doer!"_

Pete Wisdom stared at Harry for a moment and fell flat on his face. Lockheed flew over and sent a puff of cigar smoke in the secret agent's face.

"Uh, Harry?" Shadowcat asked.

"Yeah?"

"That was my boyfriend."

"Oh," Harry said. "Well, I'd apologize, but the dragon here says he's an ass. Except, you know, not literally. In the figurative, slang, metaphorical version of an ass. And a pretty big one at that."

Shadowcat was about to protest that the Dragon didn't talk, but the rest of Excalibur just nodded their heads silently in agreement behind her. The door opened again, this time to reveal Megan with an armful of groceries.

"Hi, guys, I'm back!"

_Thuu! Thuu! Thuu!_

Three more darts flew at her, landing on her neck. A moment later, she too fell over in a heap.

"She is _my _girlfriend, Harry," corrected Captain Britain.

"oops!"

"Vat is in sose dahrts Harry," Kurt Wagner asked.

"Well, it's either sleep potion or paralysis potion, I don't really know which," the young wizard replied.

"Zat could be a problem," stated the German mutant.

"Well, if it's the sleep potion, it should wear off in a bit."

"And ze ozzer?"

"We'd have to give them the counter potion."

"And do you haave zis potion?"

"Nah, I don't know how to make it yet, but I think I'll be learning next year," Harry explained.

"We can't wait that long," Captain Britain said, getting a little angry. "Can you learn how to make the potion?"

"Hey, don't blame me, blame the Wizarding establishment that won't let me practice magic outside of school," Harry said. "It's a stupid law, but well, just about everything's stupid when it comes to the Wizarding World."

"What's the Wizarding World?" asked Captain Britain.

"Wow, you're a magic origin hero and you don't know?"

* * *

**One explanation of the Wizarding World later…**

"You mean they have complete dominion over everything and no form or restrictions or common laws?"

"Nope," said Harry. "I heard they sent people away without trials before too. Some place called the Ass-Kiss Barn. They don't even know what the Magna Carta or British Common Law are, and trust me, I've asked."

* * *

**A few minutes later…**

Cornelius Fudge was having a grand old time in his office. He had a new decanter of fire-whiskey, a basketful of his eponymous confectionery delights, and certain young and attractive ministry official coming to visit very soon. That was until a certain man wearing a Union Jack burst through the walls.

"How dare you!" the Minister of Magic said, puffing himself up to his full height. A shame it didn't match his ego.

"How dare I what?" Captain Britain asked, hovering above the self important lout.

"me-me-me wall, me-me-me door, me-me-me laws," Fudge said in an impressive, but unintentional, impression of Beaker from the Muppets.

"We're going to have a little discussion about a few things…"

And that's when a few Aurors burst in and hexed the superhero. He was soon shipped off to Azkaban since they assumed only a Wizard could fly.

* * *

**Later...**  
"So, Brian's been kidnapped by wizards and thrown in a wizard prison," Megan asked, having slept for about three days (it was sleeping potion after all). "Without a trial."

"Yep," said Harry, happily munching on a sandwich. "But he did pull a Superman and burst through the wall, so there was some property damage to consider."

"Not only do you shoot me, but you get my boyfriend, the greatest superhero of this nation, kidnapped and hidden away in a prison where no one has ever escaped."

"Hey! I didn't mean for the second one to happen!" Harry protested. "It's not like it's gonna be hard to sneak him out. Just have Kitty walk through the walls, grab his hand and pull him out! Or have Kurt teleport in and teleport back out! It's as simple as that!"

"He's actually right on that one," Kitty Pryde said with a shrug. She turned down to Harry. "I'm going to need someone to help me check what to look out for."

"Awesome, I'm in!" said Harry. This was SURE to cure his long stretch of boredom.

"And we'll need a distraction," Kurt said.

"Oh, I have just the thing," Harry said ominously.


	18. Chapter 18

**Showdown at the Azkaban Corral**

* * *

"Ah, finally, an unoccupied cell," the wizard in charge said. There was nothing but a dog curled up in a corner. "Fine then, bin him." Brian Braddock found himself unceremoniously tossed into the cell. "There ye go. Even got a dog to keep you company."

Some how, the spell they had used temporarily drained him of his power. He could feel it growing and coming back, but it could be several days or even a week before he was strong enough to escape.

* * *

"Well then. Guess it's just you and me, fella," Brian said to the large black dog next to him. "At least they didn't take the costume away."

* * *

"So this is Azkaban?" Meggan asked. "That triangular shaped building?"

"I see a square tower," Kitty said.

"I as well," Nightcrawler agreed.

"A triangle," reported Colossus.

"A hoolahoop," said Harry. "…what?"

* * *

Meggan is an empath of the highest order. She is equally affected and able to affect emotions. As they approached she suddenly felt the aura of despair surrounding the castle. The power of it was debilitating, almost forcing her out of the sky into a tumbling roll.

Harry swooped down on his broom and caught her. "What was that all about?"

"Such depression, it is as if the stones of the tower itself cry out in despair and seek to end their own existence," she replied in an overly dramatic tone.

"It's not a depression, just a recession," Harry said dismissively.

"We're not talking about economics here," Kitty chided.

"Neither am I," Harry said with a shrug. Harry pulled out a map of England. "Here's where we need a distraction," he said pointing to Diagon Alley. "And I'll send one to Hogwarts and then I'll do one here. That should solve the problem."

"How are you going to distract them?"

"Don't worry, I've got a plan."

* * *

In Gringott's a goblin took the note from the small yellow mouse. The yellow and black mouse wore a bandana over it's face to disguise it's identity. Other yellow bipedal mice wore masks of dead presidents over their faces. All were armed with small, but hefty weaponry.

The note said: "This is a stick up."

The goblin at the counter raised its arms.

"_Pika_!" snarled the masked mouse, motioning with its gun for the goblin to back away. Jumping through a crack that few could sneak through, it held out a bag and motioned for a goblin to start filling it up with coins.

One goblin started edging towards the alarm, but stopped as the masked mouse shot its hand.

"Pika, _piiiika_," threatened a bandit in a low growl. The goblin wisely started moving away from the alarm.

It was all going so well until a middle-aged redheaded couple walked in, having just won a prize they wanted to deposit in their vault. Molly and Arthur Weasley found themselves in a very precarious situation.

"Molly, this may have been a poor day to go to the bank," Arthur said as a mouse paralyzed him with a touch.

The man fell over in a heap. Molly held up her hands and started moving away. The bag of galleons was snatched out of her hands

"I _knew_ that prize was too good to be true!"

* * *

"Okay, the distraction has begun," Harry announced.

"What is it?" Kitty asked.

"Oh, it isn't important, just exploiting a few holes in their defenses is all," Harry explained. "First of all we need to save Brian."

"So where would he be exactly?" Meggan asked.

"I don't know, I've never been here before," Harry said. The remaining members of Excalibur looked upon him with glares that could almost make paint peel. "Hey! You wouldn't have even found it if it wasn't for me!"

"Brian would not be in there if it wasn't for you," Meggan growled.

"pff! Semantics!" Harry said, brushing it off. Meggan would have normally been more forceful, but her empathic awareness was being bombarded by the creeping depression the prison gave off. This needed to get done as soon as possible, or she might succumb as well.

* * *

"Have they given any demands?" asked Kingsley Shacklebolt. He and a number of other aurors were waiting outside what they had determined as the outer range of the little creatures' lightning bolts.

"Well," said Tonks, a freshly minted auror. She had morphed her ears to listen in on their conversation. "I _think_ so."

"You _think_ so?"

The lead auror waved his wand and cast a voice-enlarging-charm so he could be heard inside. "We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up!"

"_Pika-Pika!_" was the reply, complete with a raised middle finger. Rather impressive for something with an even number of fingers and no thumbs. Shacklebolt turned to his younger coworker for an explanation.

"Oh, you do **_not _**want me to translate that," Tonks said, blushing at the statement.

* * *

"Okay, so here's the plan," Harry said. "Kitty and Kurt will coordinate by searching and keeping an eye out for monsters. Meggan's gonna stay back because she's wigged out by the emotions around here. Colossus and I are going to team up with Wolverine when he shows up randomly."

"I thought Logan was in Japan right now," Kitty pondered.

"Yup," said Harry.

"I heard dat he vas in Argentina fighting Sentinels," Kurt pointed out.

"Yup," said Harry. "But that's only in his self titled book and Uncanny. He's due for a crossover anyway. Soon he'll be right here with no exposition as to how he got here and he's gonna start slicing up guards. It's okay, they're just monsters."

"Sometimes you make no sense at all," Kitty said.

"Yup," said Harry with a grin.

* * *

"I think I know what they're asking for," Tonks reported dutifully. "They want a chopper."

"_Accio_ meat cleaver," ensorcelled Shacklebolt. There was an immediate protest of Pika! from the bank entrance. Tonks shook her head.

"No, they want a flying chopper," she said with a confused look.

"But that's against the ban on enchanting muggle artifacts!" exclaimed her shocked superior.

"I know!" agreed Tonks.

* * *

Heads turned at the sound of a scream echoing through the region. Dementor parts started flying every which way (or witch way, as the case may be)

"See!" Harry said as they watched the Canadian mutant tear through the prison's guards. "I told you he'd be here!"

"Let's go get Brian," Kitty said, phasing through the roof, dragging Kurt with her. Harry looked up at Meggan and grinned.

"Keep projecting confidence in us, we're gonna need it," he said with a grin.

* * *

"Uh, sir," one muggelborn auror whispered quietly. "A chopper is American slang for a helicopter."

"What's that?"

"It's a flying machine."

"Muggles have flying machines?" asked a flabbergasted Cornelius Fudge, who had come to observe when he heard the news.

"Yes, Minister Fudge."

"Since when?"

"For about a century, Minister. They tend to be quite widely used."

"Why didn't anyone tell me about this? They could see us on brooms! They could disrupt the quidditch matches! They could-"

"Minister," Shacklebolt said sharply. The man in question was momentarily stunned at the interruption. "We are in the middle of a hostage situation, why don't we deal with that problem later?" He turned back to the bank. "We can't get a chopper! We don't have any place to land it!" Shacklebolt announced. There were a few angry Pika! sounds before a small red and white ball flew out at the aurors. There was suddenly a very large basilisk slithering towards them. Most observers took the moment to make themselves scarce.

* * *

It ends up that Dementors are not cut proof, nor are they bulletproof. Wolverine, having been a little upset after being turned into the Horseman War by Apocalypse, had just been wandering between issues in an attempt to work out some aggravation. Killing monsters tends to help with that. Harry, as the intrepid adventurer/wanted criminal/would-be super-hero Arthur Bea Wilson, was using guns because 1) he was finally allowed to use lethal force against monsters with a soul sucking kiss, and 2) it was fun. Between the two of them, they provided a pretty good distraction while Kurt and Kitty used their superior stealth and infiltration techniques to seek out the wayward Captain Britain.

"He's not wayward," Meggan had grumbled after Harry used the term. "He's incarcerated."

Harry had just shrugged and made some generic humorous, but sarcastic comment.

"Hey Logan! I bet I can kill more of these guys than you can!"

"Yer on kid."

With that the two managed to press through the area with an abandon few could match. Dementors died by the score and Arthur laughed the entire time. Every once in a while Logan would retract the claws and burn the face of one with his cigar.

Colossus was much more civilized. He just punched their faces in.

This was, of course, solely possible because of Meggan's empathic powers. She was reinforcing them to not feel the depressing aura emitted by Azkaban's soul sucking guards and simultaneously protecting herself by making everyone more confidant. It was still a little boring waiting for everyone else.

Kitty and Kurt were having a slightly harder time. After the first part of the attack, the wizard keepers had quickly sent all the supernatural creatures to the rather large threat at the entrance. That did seem like it would make things easier right? Well, it might by easier, but that doesn't mean it was easy. Azkaban was filled with cells in various states of disrepair and often filled with the remains of their previous occupants. Some were actually still occupying the cells, even if they weren't still alive. After fighting off two litches, they decided to just walk down the hallways. After what seemed like hours (and might well have been; time is warped in the wizarding prison), they came across Brian scratching a dog's head.

"Hey guys, how are things going?"

"Captain Britain, vhy are you shtill vearing dee coshtume?" Nightcrawler asked.

"They never took it away. I don't even think they know what my face looks like," Captain Britain replied. "My power was returning quickly anyway, so I knew we were still on Britain's soil. It was just a matter of time before I broke myself out and went about this all a different way."

"We'd best be getting out of here," Kitty interjected.

* * *

"They've got a BASILISK?" Rufus Scrimgeour screamed.

"Yes, but it does not seem to be attacking, it's just parading back and forth," Shacklebolt pondered, confused by the behavior. "It's preventing us from getting very close."

"I think this is something bigger," Moody growled from behind them. He had just arrived from Scotland and had to march in as the Floo was shut down and an anti-apparition field was put up to prevent escape. "There's a dark wizard orchestrating all of this, I am sure of it."

The other aurors groaned inwardly. There was _always_ a dark wizard involved if Moody had his way. Although they had missed that whole thing about Quirrell. And the Dark Wizard that had been terrorizing Hogwarts by petrifaction…wait a minute.

"This must be the same dark wizard that's been terrorizing Hogwarts by petrifaction!" Scrimgeour declared in a moment of self important promotion of his self worth.

"Well duh," said Tonks.

"Uh, guys, I just got an owl," Gawain Robards reported. "Azkaban's been attacked."

* * *

Captain Britain was well escaped, but Harry and Logan just wouldn't stop. Every time one of them killed off a dementor, the other just _had_ to keep up the pace. It was now 76 Wolverine, 74 Arthur Bea Wilson. Wait, make that 79 Wolverine, 74 Arthur Bea Wilson. Er, rather 88 Wolverine, 74 Arthur Bea Wilson. What's that mysterious clicking sound? Oh, that's the sound of empty clips in doorknobs. Arthur had run out of ammo. He should have never given his extra doorknobs to his distractions.

Wolverine grinned. It was a very evil looking grin. "Sorry kid, them's the breaks. Go get a reusable weapon next time."

_"You'll pay for this Wolverine!"_

Wolverine rolled his eyes. "Really, kid?"

_"Nope, but I'm gonna make your life hell"_

Wolverine just grinned and sliced his way through a few more dementors, through a cell wall and then out the side. Arthur and a dog looked down the side of the castlesque prison. The dog looked up at Arthur with a worried look. Wolverine healed the damage from the fall and preceded to start swimming across the Atlantic.

_"Oh, he'll be fine. He's slated to appear back in Uncanny next month, but he doesn't really have many other guest appearances before then."_

The dog just looked confused. It looked up to the tall, silent man seemingly made of metal. Colossus just shrugged and nodded sadly.

* * *

"Why didn't we hear about this until _now?_" Fudge snarled, miraculously back in hearing distance after running away in fear and wet pants. "Azkaban attacked! Gringott's held up! What's next? Dark wizards invading Hogwarts under the guise of being professors?"

"That was last year," Tonks corrected with a grin. She flinched at a dark look from her mentor.

"The Floo Network was down to prevent escapes," Robards explained. "We had no way to know what was happening until now."

"That needs to be changed," Shacklebolt commented. "We need contact in an emergency. This was poorly dealt with, wait, are those mice mooning us?"

"Does that even count? I mean, they weren't even wearing clothes in the first place," Tonks pointed out.

* * *

The Mysterious Arthur Bea Wilson and his metal friend were retrieved by their dastardly associates. All that was left were a lonely dog in his cell, a mass of rubble and a whole slew of dead dementors.

High up in the prison, a dog looked about the remains of his cell. He'd been feeling strangely confidant for the past few hours, but he just attributed that to the large numbers of dead dementors. The dog looked left and the dog looked right. Seeing no one there but other prisoners (and he wasn't too concerned about their wellbeing), the dog walked out of the prison unmolested.


	19. Chapter 19

**Important News**

* * *

Later in an alley, Harry was conspiring with his co-conspirators.

"So how much did you get?"

"Pika, pika!" his friend said, holding her hands quite far apart to suggest a very large amount.

"43,562 lbs of gold? Let's see, about 650 British Pounds per ounce (let's round down for the ease of counting); there's 16 ounces in a standard pound; 43,562 times 16 is 696,992 ounces; 696,992 times 650, that's about…453,044,800 British Pounds." Harry said, counting out loud. "Let's reinvest that and then we'll do it again. It's about 5 British Pounds to a Galleon, so that's 90,608,960 galleons. Each galleon is three ounces, so that's 271,826,800 ounces, times 650, that's a gross of just under 176.7 billion British Pounds. That should do me for a while. Maybe I'll go buy Madripoor."

"_Pika_!"

"You're right, I'd better wait 'til Khan invades so I can get it cheaper."

* * *

"Mr. Prime Minister, we need you to put out an alert that dangerous criminals have escaped from prison," Cornelius Fudge announced in an abrupt apparition into the advanced abattoir the Minister was observing. He was Labor after all.

"This is highly irregular," the Prime Minister said.

"Yes, however we've suddenly had a major attack at our prison and two of our biggest criminals have escaped," Fudge said, nearly repeating himself. He handed over a couple of moving photos.

"You threw _Captain Britain_ in _jail?_" asked the incredulous PM.

"Who?"

"Captain Britain? Wears the Union Jack? Saved this nation more times than I care to count? Part of the premier superhero team in the UK?"

"I have no idea who you are talking about," Fudge said. "This is an escapee, not some flag wearing guy."

The PM just looked at the Minister for a long moment before holding out his hands for the files. "Just give me the files."

Fudge did exactly that before apparating out without another word. The PM looked to his aid. "Bin these."

"Yes, sir," said the aid, tucking the files under an arm.

* * *

"Of course, this was all a distraction!" Fudge screamed to Lucius Malfoy. It had been days. "This is all an attempt to make the pureblooded families loose face!"

"Yes minister, it is quite dastardly," Malfoy commented. Inwardly he was concerned for a different reason. This was obviously not one of his compatriots. They would have never been so lenient at Gringott's. No one there had even been injured or hexed (aside from a few slither-by petrifyings) and that was clearly not a Death Eater's modus operandi. Also, only two people were known to escape: the mysterious masked wizard who flew into the Minister's office a week before and the criminal known as Sirius Black. A man Malfoy knew was wrongly accused, but he was not one to speak up about such things. "I am well aware of what has happened. Between the music curse and this, pureblooded society has been made laughing stocks. We cannot allow this to happen. But this is not why you called me here."

Fudge slowly walked up and rested a kind hand on his friend's shoulder. "Lucius, you need to sit down."

"I can hardly see what can be so bad," Lucius protested by he cut himself off at Fudge's sad look.

"We finally got a report from Gringott's as to what went missing," Fudge said. "I'm sorry Lucius, but the Malfoy fortune was completely stolen. You're broke."

"What? Poor? Me? But! How? Why? Who? When?"

The semi-former Death Eater slumped into a chair.

"I know this is hard, but you're not the only one."

"Who else?"

"The Blacks, the Potters, Greengrass and a number of other older Wizarding Families," Fudge said sadly. "Why don't you go sit down in the waiting room. We can go have dinner somewhere and talk it over. My treat this time."

And that was just jabbing an open wound. Stunned, almost broken, Lucius sat down next to a young, extremely bored Harry Potter.

"Hey, what's your name?"

"My name? Lucius, Lucius Malfoy," the blonde man said numbly.

"You're name's Lucy? Wow your parent's must have really hated you, or really wanted a girl, I guess it really depends on the situation," Harry said. Lucius didn't have the energy to correct him.

"Mr. Potter, would you please come in?" Fudge asked. Harry skipped and jumped into his chair across from the Minister of Magic. Headmaster Jessica Dumbledore stood next to him with a grave look on his face.

"How are you Harry?" Jessica Dumbledore asked in a kind voice. It was the type of voice adults usually used to tell Harry his dad had died again or were attempting to encourage a confession before accusing him of something. He knew this wasn't going to be good.

"I'm doing okay. Got to visit some friends," Harry said with a grin.

"Have you heard about what happened a few days ago?"

"Oh, you mean when the Twins made Ron eat a nosebleed nugat and he needed to go to Poppy's?"

"No," Dumbledore said, about to explain.

"Then when Hydra attacked the Shield base in Paris?"

"Not, not that either."

"So it's about Viper, also known as Madame Hydra, started making out with Kraven the Hunter's youngest kid on live television? She's younger than me!"

"No, most certainly not."

"Mary Jane's leaked faked sex tape? I hear it has her and Spider-Man going at it. _pff!_ like they even know each other."

"Mary who?"

"What about when Magneto came back to life again, but really didn't since the one who was killed was really a dude impersonating Magneto and his own brother at the same time, but nobody really knew 'cuz he wore a mask that made him look like a Dr. Doom rip off? Well, without the threads."

"Who's Magneto?"

"Nevermind. What's up?"

"Last week there were coordinated attacks on Gringott's Bank and the Wizarding Prison Azkaban," Jessica explained.

"Oooh, I thought you were talking about _important _news," Harry said.

"Yes, well it's quite important to you," Fudge said sharply. "The bank attack, those mice stole everything in your vault."

"Oh," said Harry. "Oh well, I'll just have to find a few pounds and build it back up. Rare Candy for the win!"

"You're not upset?"

"Well a little, but it's not that bad," Harry said. "It'll take some time, but I can fix it."

"You lost millions!"

"No biggie."

"But-"

"I feel there are more important things at stake here than just your money Harry," Dumbledore explained. "Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban."

"Who?" It was Harry's turn to be confused for once.

"Sirius Black was a dark wizard who leaked your parents' home to Voldemort," Fudge practically screamed. He was quite red in the face.

"huh," said Harry. He shrugged. "So what does that have to do with me?"

Jessica (Albus) Dumbledore and Fudge shared a look.

"He might be out to kill you," Dumbledore said.

"Why would he want to kill me? I'm only twelve frikken years old!"

"He might want revenge."

"Against me? Yeah right. I haven't even done anything to him."

"No, Harry, revenge for putting him in prison."

"But I was an infant! I'm not possibly responsible."

"You did defeat his master."

"Only by dropping a piano on him."

"No, I mean when he gave you your scar."

Harry looked at Dumbledore with a stunned expression. He was utterly shocked.

"...I have a scar?"

Fudge and Dumbledore shared a look before choosing to ignore the comment.

"Harry, there are certain magical protections that you might need," Dumbledore said. "You have family. If you're with them, then you can live free of the threat of him."

"hmmm…sure, why not?" Harry said. He was bored anyway. "Let me take care of a few things and I'll head over. What's their address?"

"4 Privet drive."

"Cool, I'll be there tonight." Harry said. Before either of the men could say anything better he slipped out the door. Lucy Malfoy was still sitting in a chair as shell-shocked as if he were in the trenches. "Bye Lucy, hope you're feeling better!"


	20. Chapter 20

**Not quite like visiting the Griswold's...**

* * *

"HEY CUZ!"

Dudley Dursley looked at the boy on the step with confusion. Which was completely understandable considering the boy in question was wearing Bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, Alaskan Malamute fur boots, a Chinese inflatable inner tube with a badly painted smiley face, and a Canadian tuque. It was his thinking tuque.

"Mom! There's a crazy kid on the doorstep!"

"Oh Dudders," Petunia said before jumping in surprise at the fashion monstrosity on her doorstep.

"Hi! I'm Harry Potter, your nephew. I'm forcing my way into your house for a few months because I arranged to have my entire fortune stolen from a wizarding bank so I can multiply it by dealing in the bullion markets and I need to stay out of the limelight for a while until it calms down. Oh, and just until the next semester starts up again. But I might end up going to the Xavier Institute again. I am an X-Man after all."

"Vernon Dear?" Petunia called to her husband. "There's a crazy boy on the step!"

"Wow, you're fat," Harry told his uncle, having managed to slip inside the door. "Are you related to Freddie Dukes?"

Vernon Dursley went red in the face.

"Now look here you smarmy little-"

"That's really not good for your health, you probably won't make it to fifty if you keep that up," Harry said. "You should really loose some weight. I recommend the fleshing eating bacteria diet. I think I can get some from a Hydra lab my dad raided recently. Not all of them hurt, cuz the best ones eat away at the pain sensors first."

"You little terror! Get out of my house!"

Harry didn't respond for a long moment.

"Wow, you're an asshole."

Vernon physically picked the boy up by the shoulders and started to move him out the door, but stopped when he realized he was looking down the barrel of a gun. A very big gun.

"Hi! Name's Wade Wilson, I hear my kid's staying here?"

"Hi Dad!"

"Arthur!"

"It's Harry!"

"Whatever!" Deadpool said giving his son a hug while still pointing a gun in Vernon's face. He glanced up at the huge man. "Hey, are you related to Freddie Dukes?"

"I don't think there's any Dukes in the family at all," commented Petunia in an attempt to avoid her husband's death. "ah, who's Freddie Dukes?"

"The Blob," Harry and Deadpool said in perfect unison.

"Harry! I got you a present!"

"Great! What is it?"

"It's a pipe bomb!" Deadpool said. Leaning closely he whispered in Harry's ear in a conspiring tone. "I made it out of real bagpipes."

"It's awesome!" Harry said. "I'll use it next time I need to blow up part of Hogwarts!"

"I know it would come in handy!" Deadpool said proudly.

"Did he just say 'Hogwarts'?" pondered a promptly pale Petunia preparing powerful pot roast potatoes.

"Yep," said Harry. "And how can pot roast potatoes be powerful?"

"What?"

"Oh, I was just reading what the author had written, it doesn't make much sense," Harry commented.

**SHUSH**, said the author.

Harry shushed.

* * *

Later...  
"So then Wolverine and I killed a whole bunch of guards while the rest of Excalibur broke Captain Britain out of jail," Harry finished.

"You're a liar! Captain Britain wouldn't get put in jail! He's a hero!"

Harry and Wade looked at Dudley, then looked at each other. Then they gave Dudley a swirly.

* * *

"Vernon, what do you want to have for dinner?"

"Chimichanga, Chimichanga, Chimichanga, Chimichanga, Chimichanga," chanted the unwelcome house guests. Vernon looked like he was about to protest, but Deadpool put his hand on a nearby doorknob. Then he grabbed the correct one filled with chemical propellant and shells and not the one connected to the door. Vernon's bluster quickly vanished.

"Chimichangas would be wonderful Petunia," sweated Harry's rotund uncle.

"We're being kept hostage!" hissed Vernon to his wife. "You never said your sister married one of _those_ people!"

"She didn't," a worried Petunia said. "She married a different sort, not a good sort, but a different sort."

"We need to inform the authorities and have them removed!"

"Hey, there's some fat lady at the door crying over a dead bulldog," Harry said. "She started crying when Daddy shot the dog."

"Marge! Oh no!" moaned Vernon. "I forgot she was coming."

"Maybe we could all sneak out the back when they're eating dinner?" Petunia suggested.

"Good idea!"

* * *

"So you raise bulldogs."

The sobbing Marjorie Dursley nodded as she looked down the barrel of Deadpool's gun. He had let her come inside.

"Bulldogs suck," Harry said. "They're so stringy and tough, they're like chewing leather. You can't even make jerky with 'em."

"Not bad if stewed for a few days," his Dad said. they looked at the dead dog on the welcome mat, then looked back at each other.

A moment later Petunia found herself cooking up a batch of bulldog stew.

"Save the skin if you can," Deadpool called into the kitchen. He leaned over and gave the former owner a knowing look. "They're great for pillow cases."

Marge started sobbing again.

* * *

"So, Dad, why are you here?"

"Oh, came back to life, got a semi clone in the form of a no longer so dead guy named Agent X, and got a contract from some blue guys," Deadpool said. "I'm taking a short break since I was in the area. It only took torturing three guys in dresses before they told me where you were."

"Wow, their security sucks."

"I know!"

(Dear Faithful Readers: This takes place in the middle of Cable/Deadpool #1. Other than that we're pretty much ignoring things like time-lines or the normal passage of time. It's based on a comic book after all. Only in comics can a character be around for over forty years and still be 27)

The two 4th wallians too a moment to read the above statement to get their timelines back on track.

"So how long will you be around?"

"Just for today," Deadpool said. "I'm on a deadline." He paused and looked around. "Where'd the Rhino go to?"

* * *

In Hogwarts a lonely fun ball rolled down the empty hallways during the winter break.

"so-o-o-oh hungry…" bemoaned the diminutive super-villain rolling down the hallway. Behind him Mrs. Norris licked her lips.

* * *

"Awe, look at the time. Gotta get to France," Deadpool said, finishing up his not-so-tough bulldog sandwich.

"Bye Dad!"

"Where are you going after this?"

"Gold markets, then I'm heading back to the states," Harry told him as they walked out the door.

* * *

"Finally! We've escaped!" Petunia said as the four Dursleys ran down the road, far from 4 Privet Drive. Vernon gleefully called the police. He was later arrested for making a false report after the police found no evidence of anything out of the ordinary. Ordinarily safe save for the fact that this time Dudley was on the receiving end of a swirly.

* * *

Harry spent a few unsupervised months wreaking havoc (not the mutant) on various parts of Wizarding and "muggle" UK. These were rather generic events and due to some hilarious events, everything was blamed on Black Tom, which just increased the number of people hunting him down and the respect he had in the criminal community.

Harry also discovered that gold was measured in 12 ounces to a pound, not the standard 16, something he found extraordinarily stupid and so he switched to the metric system.

Harry had one more thing he needed to do before heading back to Xavier's. A friend had asked him a favor, and Harry was loathe to refuse. Harry walked out of the final meal for that year with the Sorting Hat on his head and together they danced off stage right singing a duet that would bring tears to Frank Sinatra's eyes. Probably because it was so bad.

_"Start spreadin' da news!"_ sang the Sorting Hat.  
_"We're leaving today!"_ Harry continued.  
_"Gonna make a bran' new start uv it-"_ continued the enchanted artifact.  
_"-In Old New York!" _they sang together.  
_"If we ken make it dere-"_  
_"We'll make it aaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyy where!"_  
_"Come on-"_  
_"-Come to-"_  
_"New York-"_  
_"Neeeew Yoooooooooooooooork!"_

After they vanished there was a long moment of stunned silence broken only by the sound of crickets. And then the Weasley Twins started up the applause.

"Albus," McGonagall said quietly, which, of course, the whole school heard. "He just stole the Sorting Hat."

"Liberated more like it." Pomona Sprout huffed under her breath so not even her fellow teachers could hear. _"Glory to the revolution!"_

She _was_ a Hufflepuff after all.

* * *

New York, New York  
Written by: Fred Ebb  
Written by: John Kander  
Paraphrased and warped by: Me,

...and, Fred, John, I'm really, _really _sorry about that.


	21. Chapter 21

**Education and Job Shadowing**

* * *

"You see Stephen," Jean Grey said. "We're concerned that Harry isn't getting the education he needs. He's being taught by people who don't even know what a helicopter is."

"Oh, that quaint tribe in the south Sahara? A lovely people."

"No, they live in the UK, but they don't know who Captain Britain is," Scott said, just a little amused by the fact, having now heard the story from both sides. "Harry's completely out of control. He needs structure, and he isn't getting any at Hogwarts. We're concerned that he might be more likely to follow in his father's footsteps rather than follow our example."

"And who is his father? Some fellow magician who fell off the path?" the Sorcerer Supreme inquired.

"No, Deadpool," Scott corrected. Dr. Strange blinked.

"_By the **Vishanti**!_ I'm sorry, did you just say _Deadpool_?"

"Yes," Jean confirmed. "He's been raised by Wade Wilson since he was a foundling years ago. Though we've taken over the role in recent years."

"By the Hoary Hosts of Hogarth! I mean Hoggoth. This is worse than I thought," Dr. Strange said. He was so befuzzeled by the news he was mixing up artists with magical entities.

"He has real trouble with ethics and moral issues. He has trouble with boundaries and rules," Jean revealed. "He's rather like Deadpool without the medical condition causing him to go insane. He became that way by upbringing alone."

"Unfortunately, I am unable to take on another apprentice," Dr. Strange replied grimly. "However, I do know someone with considerable magical ability and a knack with children with special conditions."

"Miss Clea?" Jean said hopefully.

"Oh, no," Stephen said. "Clea is running a revolution against her uncle in the Dark Dimension right now. I was thinking of Agatha Harkness."

"Isn't she supposed to be dead?" asked Jean.

"Perhaps 'Currently Deceased' would be a better term," Dr. Strange pondered.

"You act like people come back from the dead all the time," Jean said. She looked to her husband for him to back him up on this. He could have commented on the irony of Jean's statement, but years of living with telepaths had forced him to learn that some thoughts are best kept in one's own head. He chose instead to just shrug and look innocent. It was a good thing Jean couldn't see him rolling his eyes.

"Regardless, Ms. Harkness would be the best candidate," Dr. Strange said. "Where is young Harry right now?"

"Ororo got him a job shadow position," Scott said. "We were hoping it would help ground him in the real world."

* * *

At that very moment:

_"Peter Parker,  
Peter Parker,  
Prints Photos, any size,  
Aggravation is his prize,  
Look out! Here comes Peter Parker,"_ Harry sang.

The photographer in question was quite sure he'd heard the tune before, but wasn't quite sure where. He wasn't even sure why he had been chosen for the Job Shadowing.

_"Peter Parker  
Peter Parker,  
Troubled Toiling, Pete Parker  
Time and Time,  
He's been ignored,  
Small Paycheck is his reward,  
Hey guys, he's just Peter Parker."_

Robby looked at the exasperated Peter Parker to the kid currently job shadowing him. "What's with the song Peter?"

"I don't know, he's been singing it since that 9th avenue opening ceremony I shot this morning," the photographer said grimly.

_"In the chill of the night,  
At the scene of a crime,  
He takes photographs,  
To make one more dime." _

"Kinda catchy," said Betty Brand with a grin on her face.

"Oh, please don't you start singing along," Peter begged.

_Peter Parker,  
Peter Parker,  
Friendly Bugle Photographer."_

"How long has he known you?" Robby asked, unable to keep the grin off his face.

"Too long if he's been able to compose a song about me," Peter said.

_"Is he cool?  
Listen dude,  
He sees Mary Jane in the nude,  
Even if J. Jonah fills him with dread,  
He earns enough for his daily bread,  
Look out!  
Here comes Mr. Jameson!"_

"PARKER! Get in here!" commanded the cigar smoking Editor-in-Chief from his office. No one noticed the dark look on the boy's face at the appearance of his arch-nemesis. Of course, no one (including J. Jonah Jameson) knew that Harry considered the EiC as his arch-nemesis.

Peter ran inside and showed off the photos after which the usual mantra of "crap, crap, crap, crap, okay, I'll give you a deal and pay five dollars for the lot of them," could be heard through the glass. Peter did his usual counter offer and after a few minutes it was settled at a more reasonable amount. Peter then had another assignment at the Museum of Natural History.

_"To him, life is a multi-car **pile**up,  
But he overcomes all **hang **ups,  
That's why we're all Parker fans!"_

"I need a recording of this to send to MJ," Betty Brant said with a smirk. Robby just chuckled and went back to work.

* * *

The Museum of Natural History is right off Central Park and one of the most majestic structures in the city. It also houses many priceless artifacts both on and off display which makes it a popular target for a wide variety of costumed villains.

In this particular case the object in question was a particularly large diamond that made Kohinoor look like a simple bauble. The costumed individuals were more accomplished thieves and mercenaries rather than outright villains, but were reasonably well known as B.A.D. Girls Inc., three dangerous women who were quite nearly the best at what they do.

Peter was assigned to the opening of a paleontology display where scientists were showing how the dinosaurs from the Savage Land had evolved in the 65 million years since they kicked it everywhere else. Harry was following close at his side. After a few good shots, Harry needed to take care of some business.

"Hey," Harry said in an overloud voice that EVERYone heard. "I need to take a leak."

Heads turned, some shushed him. Peter blushed in embarrassment considering some of these scientists had been his professors at Empire State.

"It's just down that corridor towards the geology displays," Peter said. Harry followed the directions perfectly, took care of business and walked out, only to get hot pink elbow in the eye.

"Diamondback! I thought you said no one was here right now," hissed a statuesque woman in a black leotard.

"Asp was supposed to make sure everything was clear," the formerly reformed thief hissed back as she held Harry by the shoulders.

"Don't I know you guys from somewhere?" Harry asked. Black Mamba raised an eyebrow and a smirk.

"I don't think many people would refer to us three as 'guys' ever," she said. Using her darkforce powers, she sent the tendrils towards the kid. "Sorry kid, but this will only last for a little bit. It won't be too bad, the darkforce gives you your greatest desire."

"Hey, guys, what's up?" asked Asp as she arrived from neutralizing the guards. She glanced at their latest visitor and her eyes grew wide. "Oh, shi-"


	22. Chapter 22

**No Picnic**

**

* * *

**

"Excuse me, there is a phone call for Jean and Scott," Wong said, poking his head into the study.

"Thank you Wong, we'll take it in here," Jean said. Dr. Strange motioned to an antique style phone. Scott picked it up and listened for a bit.

"Thanks Logan, we'll go pick him up," Scott said before hanging up the phone. He turned to his wife with a tired look. "Harry's been picked up by the police in Central Park and we need to bring a new set of clothes. Logan didn't say what happened."

Dr. Stephen Strange did not envy Harry Potter when Jean got her hands on him.

* * *

To really understand what happened to bring this event to pass, we need to go back to an earlier point in the day:

Peter was starting to get worried that Harry had gotten lost. The kid might have been occasionally annoying, but he was still a kid under his care. He walked over to the geology wing just in time to see Black Mamba, Diamondback, and Asp run towards him like their pants were on fire. It was something that happened a little too often when he was Spider-man (more than he was comfortable with), but it rarely happened to mild mannered Peter Parker.

"It's not supposed to work that way!" Black Mamba protested.

"Well, something went wrong," growled Diamondback.

"Why don't we just get out of here?" insisted Asp as they booked it out the front entrance, their planned escape route cut off.

"I'm sorry! The Darkforce isn't supposed to have any real effect! It's just supposed to be an illusion!"

"Yeah, well it had a bit more effect than that!" Asp snapped.

"I thought his greatest desire would be, you know, well us maybe, he is a teenager," Black Mamba argued. Asp gave her a look.

"Arrogant much?" Diamondback hissed with a glance at her friend.

"How was I supposed to know his greatest desire was to turn into a dinosaur?"

"Well it is!"

Peter was slightly alarmed when he heard their conversation and had plenty of reason to be. Looking down the corridor from whence they had came, Peter Parker saw the distinctive tawny shape of an immature allosaurus. A quick glance revealed no observers, so the photographer jumped into the shadows and turned into his alter ego, the spectacular, and and even occasionally amazing, Spider-Man.

* * *

When Spider-Man finally got outside, the average person was running and screaming at the sight of a dinosaur running out of the Museum of Natural History. Which was a little silly because it tended to happen about once a week. Sometimes they were robot-dinosaurs or dragons, but it wasn't that rare to have large reptilian critters escaping the confines of history. The running and escaping he could understand, but the constant surprise was a little irritating.

This particular dinosaur was running through Central Park like a bat out of hell. His target, (and a quick inspection did reveal it to be male), was apparently the three members of B.A.D. Girls, who were now running in three directions. They had a few narrow escapes, but were still in possession of lives and limbs.

Spidey shot out a massive web, tripping and tangling the dinosaur for a time. Since the museum was right across from Avenger's Mansion, they usually took care of the dinosaurs, so Spidey didn't have quite the same experience fighting them as other costumed heroes. He wasn't sure how long it would take for the allosaurus to escape his webbing.

"It isn't supposed to work this way!" Black Mamba screamed as the large head landed not five feet from her.

"You said that already," Spider-Man said, landing on an abandoned car near where Black Mamba had run. "Now what happened?"

"The Darkforce is just supposed to entangle and give an illusion of your greatest desire! It's not supposed to have a physical effect!"

"So you were in the museum, robbing something and you use your darkforce and a dinosaur pops out?"

"No! I used it on a kid coming out of the bathroom. I didn't want to hit a kid!"

"How old?" Spidey had a bad feeling about this.

"Ten-eleven-twelve, somewhere in there!"

Aaaand all his fears were proven right. Damn you Murphy. Damn you to hell. Or at least to New Jersey. Wait, that might be worse.

"Oh Hell! He's getting up!" and with that Black Mamba jumped onto an abandoned motor cycle and started driving recklessly through Central Park. Spidey scratched his head as the dinosaur loomed over him.

"This could be a bigger problem than I thought," he mused in a slightly depressed tone. "If she didn't hit him, why's he got a black eye? Wait, dinosaurs can get black eyes?"

_Thip! Thip!_ Spidey jumped up and shot a small ball of webbing to block the Harrysaurus's vision, quickly jumping and vaulting around to keep from being eaten. Dinosaurs are a lot stronger than people give them credit for.

"You know, when you go to the dinosaur exhibit, you're just supposed to look at the dinosaurs, not become one," Spidey said, landing on the Harrysaurus's head. Sending out a little webbing, he wove a bridle and tried to direct the massive carnivore away from the human populace. Unfortunately, Harry was being directed towards the Central Park Zoo.

"Whoops, wrong way!" Spidey pulled hard. Too hard in fact, since Harry fell on his side and started sliding towards the compounds. Harrysaurus jumped up, shook the spectacular Spider-Man off his back and charged through the petting zoo, pausing briefly to eat a goat and scrape the webbing off his eyes on a nearby tree trunk.

One goat isn't that filling for an Allosaurus, so Harry went looking for more. It had almost been time for lunch, so he had a big appetite. And pointing a gun at him was a horse cop. A moment later, Harry proved he could eat a horse in the literal sense.

"Don't shoot!" Spidey warned, pushing the cop's gun down. "It's just a kid that got transformed against his will. Or mostly against his will, it's a little vague."

"That's a kid?" the cop asked, eyes wide.

"Twelve years old," Spidey confirmed.

"I knew I should have stayed in Queens," the cop grumbled.

Harry roared at the sky as he showed the world his wonderful meal of horse _sans_ cop. "That's a kid?"

"Yeah," Spidey said. He jumped up and took advantage of the Harrysaurus's distraction to unload two full webbing cartridges, locking the dinosaur in place. The transformed pre-teen roared in indignation, but finally found himself unable to move from the spot. "I sure hope he transforms back soon. That webbing only lasts a couple of hours."

"Well, if he's stuck, you can go bring back the elephants he released," a nearby zoo keeper commanded. Spidey and the cop shared a look.

"I think she's talking to you," said the officer.

"Well, at least they're not shooting at me this time," Spidey said as he swung into the air after the escaped pachyderms. He brought them back in and discovered that Harry was back to human form and naked (his clothing had not survived the transformation). Spidey, seeing the police had things under control, went back to the Museum, webbed up the B.A.D. Girls, handed back their stolen goods to the museum curator and changed back into Peter Parker, your friendly bugle photographer. That damn song was stuck in his head.

Blissfully ignorant of the chaos he had started, Harry rubbed his tummy. "I feel kinda full."

At the precinct, Harry was sitting down, his hair a mess, a black eye and a few bruises on his skin. The cops had wrapped him up in a blanket until clothing could be brought. When other people heard about the dinosaur transformation, and word spread fast, more people started looking in on the Dino-kid.

"So, how'd you transform him into a dinosaur?" one cop asked Black Mamba.

"It's only supposed to be an illusion!"

"What's the illusion of?"

"His greatest desire," she replied worriedly.

"Oh, well that explains part of it," Peter Parker said with a matter-of-fact tone to his voice. He was there since he was still nominally in charge of Harry for the duration of his job shadowing. A number of others started nodding in agreement.

"Yeah," said another cop.

"Makes sense to me," said a third person.

"Absolutely," said a visiting scientist.

"I don't get it," Black Mamba said. "He's young, but well, he's a teen. I figured his greatest desire would be, well…"she pointed to herself with a shrug. Or more accurately, her over-sized mammary glands and coverings.

"No, twelve years old. He wanted to be a dinosaur."

"Yep, a dinosaur."

"I wanted to be triceratops," said one cop.

"T-Rex," commented Peter.

"My kid wants to be a raptor," said another.

"Any special kind?"

"Nope, just your basic dromaeosaur."

"Same here."

"Brachiosaurus," put in another parent.

"I wanted to be a paleontologist," said a forensic specialist.

"Me too!" said another.

"So none of you…" Black Mamba said trailing off at the end with a wave of her hand and a confused look on her face.

"Naw, not until later," said one hard lived cop. "The dinosaur phase pretty much lasted until I was 14." Other members of his precinct gave him an incredulous look. "What? I was a late bloomer!"

Chuckles abounded.

"I wanted to be a football player," said one quite voice from the corner.

"What a loser!" laughed the other cops.

"I guess I still don't get how it happened," commented a detective off to the side.

"What happened?" asked Harry.

"You turning into a dinosaur."

"Oh, that was simple really."

"Then why don't you explain it?"

"Okay," Harry said before taking a sip of apple juice. "So Mamba's Darkforce is normally an illusion, right?"

"Right…" the cop said hesitantly.

"And on a normal person they would have given them their greatest desire and then let them sleep it off," Harry said. "I'm a wizard. I have massive untapped potential because I'm too lazy to practice things that don't automatically benefit me. That means I've got lots of magic just dumped around me waiting to be used. Now it just so happens that my magic was able to fulfill my greatest desire."

"To turn into a dinosaur…?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Well," said the detective, "when you say it like that it sounds all anticlimactic."

"Wait a minute," Peter Parker said, eying the kid suspiciously. "You're a wizard?"

"Yup."

And they said the day couldn't get any more bizarre.

The conversation continued for some time as the New York cops got a rundown of the dis-functionality of the Wizarding World and everything that entailed. Harry also handed out galleons to some very grateful New York's finest. Eventually this had to end, as all things do. This ending was brought about by the entrance of a furious redhead.

Jean Grey stormed into the precinct, and was promptly directed to the proper room. Seeing her erstwhile not-quite grandson, she grabbed Harry firmly, but not violently, by the shoulders and glared right into his eyes.

_"What-did-you-do?"_ Her words were perfectly enunciated and spaced with a precision and firmness that allowed for no sarcasm or refusal to respond. It was a well perfected, unadulterated '**mom voice**' that Harry had learned to recognize instantly. He could tell that Jean Grey meant business. The only option was to respond with the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. To do otherwise would interfere with his personal rule of never really pissing off the woman who could, destroy star systems, and had done so in the past.

Harry swallowed, speaking precisely and clearly to his semi-quasi-sort-of grandmother with the complete and honest truth.

"I turned into an allosaurus and rampaged through Central Park, but it wasn't my fault."

The look on her face clearly said she didn't entirely believe him.

_"It wasn't my fault!"_


	23. Chapter 23

**Interruptions and Lessons**

**

* * *

**

DEADPOOL'S NOTE: Hi there friendly readers, it is I, the Amazing and Spectacular Merc with a Mouth. As some of your are aware, my Arthur isn't all that sane (Okay, okay, you people call him Harry, I don't know why, but you do), but he does respect good work, so in celebration of his 13th birthday this chapter, I like to get a few pieces of fan art. A banner, maybe some doorknobs, a wand even, possibly a bandoleer of grenades.

Something with Arthur's costume would be great. I thought about getting him a leash for his basilisk, but it's hard to find a collar that size. I did make a lifetime supply of pancakes the other day, but I don't think those will keep.

But art would be great. So would chimichangas. Well not really. I don't really like Chimichangas, I just like saying it. Chimichanga, Chimichanga, Chimichanga, Chimichanga, Chimichanga. I think that joke may be getting old. meh! Chimichanga, Chimichanga, Chimichanga, Chimichanga, Chimichanga.

Oh, and that writer person wanted me to tell you all that he doesn't own any of these characters, even me. I did offer to kidnap a few, but the author mentioned something about a lack of storage space for dead superheroes. Oh well.

Later readers, I'm gonna go harass Cable.

* * *

The next day, a very tired owl dropped a red letter in the dining room of the Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters. It promptly opened up and started bellowing in a loud voice.

"HARRY JAMES POTTER! YOU ARE HEREBY NOTIFIED THAT YOU ARE FOUND GUILTY OF THE UNDERAGE MAGIC, USE OF MAGIC IN FRONT OF MUGGLES AND THE USE OF UNREGISTERED ANIMAGERY! YOU WILL BE ESCORTED TO THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC WHERE YOUR WAND WILL BE DESTROYED! THIS IS ALL!"

All the X-Men, all the younger mutants there for school and all the associated personnel faced Harry with expectant eyes and deafened ears.

"It wasn't my fault!"

* * *

The next day two officious looking wizards with overly goofy robes and silly badges walked right into the school grounds. Amelia Bones and Kingsley Shacklebolt discovered this was a mistake when they were by the entire staff of the Xavier School for the Gifted. They were in costume, they were fully prepared and more than a little ticked off.

"Don't you people know how to knock?" asked Jean angrily.

"We came to apprehend a criminal, not visit for tea," Bones said.

"Aside from the glaring problems of international kidnapping and such, there's also a few other things you need to understand," Harry said seriously. "To explain all those issues, here's my lawyer, Jennifer Walters. You won't like her when she's angry."

"That's my cousin actually," the eight foot tall green woman said as she walked into the room. Harry just shrugged.

"What _are _you?" asked Bones in confusion. Harry shook his head sadly.

"You're doing it wrong. That's what you're supposed to say to Batman in a dark alley, but with fear and surprise. You're supposed to say: 'Hello councilor, what can we do for you today' and then she tells you where to stuff it in nice fancy lawyer language."

"Harry, as your attorney, I'm advising you to shut it," Ms. Walters said with a sly grin.

"Shutting it now," Harry said. Jen Walters turned back to her victims, er, her opponents in the court of law.

"Now, first of all, your charges are false and any judge would have them out of court," she said.

"He is a wizard, your muggle courts do not apply," stated Amelia Bones politely.

"Actually, as the events took place in the United States, which does not recognize the Wizarding World of Britain as a legitimate government nor does it have extradition to the Wizarding World for that same reason, your laws are actually the ones that don't apply," Walters said with a smile.

"But the Wizarding communities of the colonies-"

"Do not apply as the United States does not recognize them as a legitimate government either," she said cutting off the argument. "Not only that, but his actions were against his will, caused by an outside influence, who did not have magic powers. Harry has paid restitution for the horse and goat eaten, as well as the damage he caused, none of which he had to do. And by the way, haven't been colonies for over two hundred years. There was this little incident we like to call the Revolutionary War."

"The goat was tasty," Harry put in.

"No one cares, Honey," Jean said, firmly taking hold of his shoulder.

"We have our orders," said Bones sadly.

"Yes, I understand that," was the green lawyer's diplomatic reply. "Which is why you are being given to SHIELD. It's not appropriate to enter the country illegally when you don't have a passport, Miss Bones. Also, my client is prepared to sue the Ministry of Magic for the cost of damages and harassment if the matter is not dropped. This will, of course, take place in the local county court and not your oligarchian monolith I've been told about."

"What is Shield?" asked Shacklebolt.

"Strategic Hazard Intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate," said the attorney. "They deal with a number of international threats, including international kidnapping rings. They'll evaluate the situation and then decide to release you. Oh, and if you see him, tell Nick I said Hi."

* * *

And that's when a number of agents in black suits escorted the duo to a flying car. It was later discovered they had escaped because Harry forgot to tell the agents to remove the aurors' wands.

"Sorry," he said innocently. "I forgot."

* * *

Soon enough, Agatha Harkness was brought back from the dead. It was decided that Harry would spend a week at her place and then be picked up for the weekend, barring no serious events like aliens, fraternities of not-so-nice mutants, mutant killing giant robots or cute little demons infected with technorganic viruses. You know, the usual stuff.

Scott picked up Harry after the first week. Walking up to the front gate, he saw Miss Harkness standing in the doorway, a strangely subdued Harry standing beside her.

"I hope he hasn't been much trouble," Scott said. "Thanks so much for doing this."

"Oh, it's been some time since I taught youngsters the arcane arts. It's been such a pleasure," she replied with an honest smile. "He's been a real joy to teach after we ironed out a few problems."

Scott stared bug-eyed for a moment.

"Then he hasn't destroyed the house?"

"Oh no, in fact he helped me clean up this morning."

"He hasn't shot anyone?"

"Harry knows that I don't allow muskets or pistols in the house."

"He hasn't randomly attacked super villains out of costume?"

"There was a minor incident with Mr. Masters down the street, but I think we cleared it up. He makes such wonderful dolls."

"Uh, yes, what about inciting rage in people for no apparent reason?"

"I haven't seen any evidence of it."

"Then thanks for teaching him," Scott said honestly, absolutely dumbfounded by the boy's obedient behavior. "Jean will bring him back Monday assuming we don't have an emergency."

"I look forward to his return then," she said with a smile. "Run along then, Harry."

Harry didn't exactly run, so much as walk as fast as possible without running. He did so right to the car, climbed in the passenger seat and buckled himself in. All of this without saying a word. Scott waved and drove away.

"So how was your first lesson?" he asked his not-really grandson.

"Yes Ms. Harkness."

Scott looked at Harry, clearly confused by the answer.

"Harry, are you okay?"

"Everything is fine Ms. Harkness."

"Harry?"

The boy's eyes started to widen.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Harry said, clearly in another place and time mentally. "Run! I'm sure she didn't mean it! _Run _little demon! Save yourself! _Ruuuunnnn_!"

Scott looked on as Harry relived his first week of lessons with a reputable magic user. After a while, Cyclops put the car in gear and drove away.

"It went well, I guess," Scott said.

* * *

Harry's education and mental scarring with Agatha Harkness went on throughout the summer until right before the school year was supposed to begin.

"I don't want to go back there," Harry said to his pseudo-quasi-grandparents.

"Why not?"

"Well, for one, I'm learning much more with Ms. Harkness about magic," Harry said. "Two: it's boring and three: they don't even know what a computer does, much less how to use one. I also have suspicions that somebody over there is trying to kill me, but I could be wrong. I think it would be much better for me to stay here at the institute."

Jean and Scott shared a confused look.

"You want to keep learning from Agatha Harkness? I thought you were terrified of her," Jean said, having witness the mental scarring and improvement in the boy's behavior.

"I,uh, not terrified, exactly," Harry said. "I just have a very healthy respect for women with massive mystical powers who have been alive since before Atlantis sank."

Jean and Scott stared at him for a long moment.

"Fair enough," chorused the two senior X-Men.

And so Harry had a wonderful time as a thirteen year old in the Xavier Mansion. He got to witness the end of Generation X and the creation of X-Corp. But nothing really big happened until he awoke one night to find a dog in his bedroom. He'd always wanted a dog.


	24. Chapter 24

**Mythaken Mithconthepthion**

**

* * *

**

And then, disappointment of disappointments, the dog turned into an old guy. Well, truth be told he was only in his thirties, but more than a decade in a literally soul sucking prison had aged him slightly.

"Hello Harry," the man said. "I'm Sirius Black, your godfather."

"…"

"Harry, reach out with your magic, you know it to be true."

"…"

"…Okay Obi-wan, I'm just gonna crawl back inside my tauntaun and sleep," Hary said, pulling the covers over his head and immediately falling back to sleep. "Wake me up for the Hoth battle."

Sirius Black scratched his beard in puzzlement.

"That was not the reaction I expected," he said to himself. "I expected at least fear and surprise considering all the lies they told about me. Damn fools think I betrayed your parents."

"The only thing you're betraying is my sleep," Harry said. "I've already been trained by the master who trained you, so we can skip the swamp jumping, even if it does burble all the time like a giant carbonated soda."

"Harry, kick the dog guy out of the room and let us sleep," said Harry's unfortunate roommate, former and future New Mutant Sam Guthrie, barely holding his head up off the pillow. "Or at least shut him up. I've got to fight Apocalypse in the morning. Y'alls keeping me from my beauty sleep."

"Okay," Harry said with a shrug. He pulled out a doorknob and shot the man twice in the chest. Luckily he grabbed the trank gun and not the Colt. Sirius Black moved his hand to inspect the darts and immediately fell over backwards. "Sleep tight."

"'night," muttered Guthrie as he passed out on the pillow.

The next morning found Sirius Black in a dark room. It was Harry's closet. Harry didn't remember the events of the previous night as anything more than a vague dream about becoming a jedi.

"Uh, hello old guy in closet," Harry said.

Sirius blinked hello.

Harry stated at him for a bit longer.

"Gramma, Grampa! There's a paralyzed man in my closet!"

And that's why Jean and Cyclops started the morning with their daily dose of headaches, extra strength.

* * *

"He's telling the truth," Jean confirmed after a quick mental probing. Aside from confirming his identity, she'd also seen a few other thoughts she wished she hadn't. It wasn't the first time she'd regretted a skintight outfit. Maybe some comfortable jeans and a striped longsleeve T-shirt for the next costume would work.

"So you're really my godfather, and my parents' friend who was betrayed by their other friend and framed for mass murder," Harry asked. "You then tracked me down to make sure I wasn't in any danger."

"Uh, yes, that's right," Sirius confirmed. "That was a very succinct summary."

"Oh, don't worry, Dad says he'll let me do his recap pages soon, so I've been practicing," Harry said.

"Uh…your adoptive father?"

"That's right," Harry said, genuinely surprised. "Wow, most people just assume I'm talking about that dead wizard that donated his DNA, but you got it on the first try."

"…right," a confused Sirius agreed hesitantly. "So you are superheroes?"

"You know what superheroes are?" everyone chorused in surprise.

"Well, not everyone in the Wizarding World is an idiot," Sirius said. "After all, some did break me out a few months back."

"No, we call super powered people who break people out of prisons 'super-villains' not 'super-heroes'," corrected Harry. Jean and Scott just gave him an absolutely flabbergasted look for a moment before sighing and popping a couple more aspirin and Pepto. "What?"

"So, Sirius," Ororo said, "Now that you have escaped unlawful incarceration what are you going to do now?"

The British wizard let out a long sigh. "I don't rightly know. If I return I'll only be hunted down and my soul sucked out as punishment."

"I've got a couple of ideas," Harry said cheerfully. Sirius glanced up and confused to see a variety of very worried faces on the mutants Harry considered family. Jean and Scott looked like they were in pain, just considering the possibilities.

"That bad?" asked Sirius.

"Worse," said Scott.

"Takes after James then," Sirius muttered to himself. "I was bad, but James was always worse."

Jean raised an eyebrow at the comment. She'd seen more than a few of those memories. Sirius grinned and shrugged ruefully.

"Okay, maybe we were about equal."

"This was your plan?" Ororo Munroe asked.

"Well, yeah," Harry said as if it were obvious.

"Perhaps-" she started.

*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*

Storm tapped her X-Men communicator. "Storm here."

"We found Apocalypse," said Scott over the communicator.

"I'll there as soon as I can," she replied. Turning to the two wizards. "Don't cause any trouble! I mean it!"

Harry and Sirius both wore identical looks of "who me?" that just made Storm sigh and shake her head. Then she flew off towards the Xavier School for the Gifted.

"Can all your friends do that?" Sirius asked.

"Nope, but not all my friends are as cool as Storm," Harry said. "She one of the bosses, you know."

"Do all the women you know wear skin tight outfits?"

"Not all," Harry said. "Ms. Harkness doesn't and most of the others don't when they're not about to kick some ass. Otherwise they just wear everyday clothes."

"I think I'm going to like it here."

"It's pretty fun, especially when we get to shoot super-villains," Harry said with a grin. His grin vanished on his next thought. "Not so fun when they hit you in the head."

"Rarely is," Sirius said. "So what is this place?"

"Oh, it's the Rand Corporation," Harry said, as if that explained everything. "I thought about going right to Avenger's headquarters, but it just isn't the same after Disassembled, although Spider-Man turning into a giant spider and giving birth to himself was kinda cool."

"I would actually classify that as utterly disturbing," Sirius said.

"Tomato, tomahto," Harry countered with a shrug and a grin.

"Hi, my friend here is gonna sign up for Heroes for Hire," Harry said to the woman at the front desk. She was a little stunned.

"Uh, I don't think they are currently active," she said. Turning and picking up the phone, she whispered into it. "Uh, I think they've disbanded."

"huh?" asked Harry before heading to the elevators.

"Wait! You can't just go-" but the doors shut before she could finish.

"So this is a Lift?" Sirius asked.

"Yup," Harry replied.

"Amazing, yer mum always talked about them in muggle shops, but I've never been in one before," Sirius said, pondering the mechanical creation.

"Better than randomly moving staircases," Harry said.

"_That_ I agree with," Sirius said.

The doors opened on the third floor and a suited man walked in. He glanced at the slightly odd appearance of the two other occupants. One was old and shabbily dressed, the other was a kid. He looked like he wanted to ask something. Harry pointed to Sirius. "He's gonna join Heroes for Hire."

"Huh," said the man. "I thought they'd disbanded."

Harry just shrugged.

On the fourth floor, the doors opened and a couple of scientists walked in.

"He's joining Heroes for Hire," Harry said again as explanation. The two scientists looked at each other with puzzled looks.

"I thought they'd disbanded?"

"I thought so too," said the other. Glancing at the raggedy clothed man they shrugged and got out on the sixth floor with the man in the business suit.

Harry exited in the seventh and final floor. Walking down a hallway, they turned and stepped into an office. The blond man at the desk looked up in surprise.

"What are you doing here?"

"Hi Danny Rand, my godfather's here to join Heroes for Hire," Harry said. Sirius waved hello.

"Uh, the latest team disbanded in 1999," Danny Rand, better known as the Immortal Iron Fist, said. "You're a few years too late."

"Crap," said Harry. "I'm all out of ideas. Sorry Sirius."

"That's okay, I'm sure there's some place that a wrongfully imprisoned wizard could call home," Sirius said. Danny Rand looked between the two of them and picked up the phone.

"Let me make a call," he said. "Luke, hi. How's Jessica?...Oh, Misty's great… Sure, I'm still on for the game Friday…Sure, noon sounds good…Yeah, couple of strange guys in my office now, looking for Heroes for Hire…yeah, I told them we disbanded…Kid's wearing an X-Men uniform…Hey, are you Deadpool's kid?"

"Yup! That's my dad!"

"He says yeah," Danny said into the phone. "Jean and Scott take care of him."

"Are you famous here as well?" Sirius asked.

"I get around," Harry said humbly. "But my dad's real well known in some circles."

"…Yeah, he is the one who turned into a dinosaur a few weeks back…Yeah, it was cool…Yeah, thanks Luke," Rand said. Danny looked up to the two visitors. "My friend Luke Cage might have a few ideas."

"That's awesome! He's basically the coolest superhero ever," Harry said.

"Really? Huh, that's not usually the response he gets," Rand said. "He's only got one superpower."

"bah! Superpowers don't make one cool," Harry said dismissively. "Luke Cage is cool because of who he is, not because he's got unbreakable skin."

"I have to disagree, unbreakable skin is quite 'cool'," Sirius said. "I could have often used that."

"Couldn't we all," Rand said. He handed a note to Sirius Black. "That's Jessica's address at the Daily Bugle, he'll meet you there."

"Awesome! I could get to see Peter today too!"

"Peter?" asked the two men in confusion.

"The friendly Bugle photographer?"

"Sorry, doesn't ring any bells," said Danny Rand.

"Mary Jane's husband."

"Ooohhh, that guy. Yeah, I think I've met him a time or two."

"He's pretty cool once you get past his drab exterior."

* * *

The Dailey Bugle was bustling, as it usually was this time of day. Everything being digital, it was easier to publish newspapers, but just as difficult to make good ones.

"Hi Petey!"

The photographer in question, having just got back from his interview at Midtown High School, was already stressed and having a visit from a shapchanging wizard neophyte was not going to make things any easier.

"Harry, please don't sing the song," he pleaded.

"What no hello?"

"Hello Harry," Peter Parker said quickly. Then he turned around to get a look at the kid. "Harry, why are you wearing an X-Men costume."

"Because I am one," Harry said simply.

"I thought you said you were a wizard."

"I am," Harry said. "And a member of the Uncanny, and occasionally even Astonishing X-Men. Sometimes we're even Extreme."

"So you're a wizard and a mutant?"

"Yep," Harry said with a grin.

"Parker!" J. Jonah Jameson bellowed from two feet away, making everyone jump. Except for Harry, of course, he just scowled. "Who's the kid?"

"He's that kid who job shadowed me a while back."

"Huh," said Jameson, "Never seen him before."

"Damn you Jameson! Damn you to-" He was cut off by Peter's hand on his mouth.

"Keep it on a leash," commanded the EiC. "Get down to City Hall and take pictures of the ceremony."

"Another ribbon cutting?"

"You want the money or not? Because I'm perfectly okay not paying you."

"I'll take it!"

And with that, Peter Parker ran out of the room. Harry suddenly realized he had lost his godfather between leaving the elevator and walking across the pressroom.

"Hey," Harry said. "Where'd Sirius go?"

* * *

That particular wizard was found sitting on the edge of a desk owned by a certain Ms. Brant.

"So, Miss Brant, how are you?" inquired the ruggedly handsome wizard. The reporter wiggled a finger.

"Married."

"How's that working out for you?"

"Better than it's working for you right now," she replied with a sly smile.

He opened his mouth to say more, but Harry cut him off.

"Hey, Jessica Jones' desk is over here."

Sirius Black glanced between Betty Brant's bemused smile and Harry's insistence. "Very well, lead the way."


	25. Chapter 25

**Sirius Black, Agent of SHIELD**

"Hi, I'm Jessica Jones," the woman said holding out her hand. "Keep abreast of all superhero activity as the Bugle's reporter for the Pulse."

"I like keeping abreast of things as well," Sirius said. She just rolled her eyes.

"Look, I'm pregnant, involved, engaged, and not interested," Jessica said. "If you're just here to hit on me, go somewhere else."

"No, no, this is fine," Sirius said with a slightly worried look.

"Good. Now I was going to go to lunch with Luke, but he said you needed so help, so I'll bring you along," Jessica said. "I still have a little left on this piece, so why don't you go meet him in lobby?"

"We can do that," Harry said. "You need to head down. I've got to get back to help fight Apocalypse."

"But if you are not there, how shall I know who he is?"

"Oh, you'll know," Jessica and Harry said in unison.

Sirius Black went back down to the lobby and looked up at the tall man in the black t-shirt and jeans. He seemed to have an aura of coolness about him, and that's not a reference to the temprature.

"Oh, that's how I'll know," Sirius said. "Uh, hello, Sirius Black."

"Luke Cage," the coolest-superhero-ever answered. "You the guy that Danny called about?"

"er, yes, I was, er, am. Do you know that you have very large muscles?" asked Sirius in a tone that belayed his intimidation.

"Yes, yes I do."

"er…right, Miss Jones suggested that we talk and she would meet up with us soon," Sirius said.

"I thought Deadpool's kid was gonna be here too?"

"Oh, he said he had to go fight some fellow, Apoca Lepsy or some such, a schoolboy tussle I expect," Sirius replied. The way Luke Cage's eyes widened suggested that Sirius Black was incorrect in this assumption. "…not a schoolboy tussle?"

Luke Cage had his cellphone out and dialing before Sirius could finish.

"Jess? Yeah, Kid ran off already? We'll try and catch him before he gets into trouble," Cage said into his cellphone.

They did catch him trying to sneak out behind them. He had the goodsense to hide in a crowd of people, but yellow and black spandex tends to stand out in a crowd of suits.

"Harry, as your Godfather, I think it best that you stay here for the time being," Sirius said with a worried look.

"Look," Harry said. "My grandparents are about to face a threat that has already taken over the world in one reality. I'd really prefer that this doesn't become very Age of Apocalypse-esque any time soon."

"Harry, you are 13, I hardly think that world dooming threats are your responsibility," Sirius said.

"Hey, and you're just a guy who showed up out of the blue after being in jail for 12 years," Harry said. "I only have your word and a telepath's scan to tell me who you really are. There isn't any emotional attachment here except me helping you out."

"Well then! I'm sorry I endangered my very soul in escaping unlawful incarceration and flying across the Atlantic to make sure you were safe!"

"Hello! X-Man here! I don't need your help!

"You're 13!"

Jessica Jones stepped out of the elevator and glanced at the two. "Family fight?"

Luke gave her a peck on the cheek.

"X-Drama," he replied. "I wish I had some popcorn."

* * *

It was eventually decided that Harry wouldn't go fight Apocalypse. This was mostly because Storm had given Sirius a number to call if Harry got out of control. Two words from Agatha Harkness had settled the discussion. Well, less "settled the discussion" and more "Harry ran into a corner and hid."

By the time he came out, Apocalypse had been defeated and "killing" Scott Summers with him. Jean had told Harry to stay put and went after him. Now some readers might think this was not in the right continuity, and they would be correct if that mattered, but with this story, anything goes. And that's why we're still blaming it all on time travel and the Third Law of Comic Books: Comic time doesn't make sense.

The rest of the year was rather normal. Harry continued to go to school at Xavier's and train with Agatha Harkness. The time he spent with Dr. Stephen Strange was having an adverse affect on his vocabulary and occasionally he could be heard spouting Strangeisms like "Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth" or similar phrases.

Sirius Black was feeling a bit lost. Jessica Jones suggested Sirius make up an identity and fight crime. Build up his reputation. He left the X-Mansion, went to the New York branch of Gringotts's and took out a large sum. He then rented a small brownstone and took to the streets as a small time hero.

This would have been great normally, however, he found American culture quite confusing. He also had trouble telling the heroes from the villains. He was terribly ineffectual as a hero, but he did make a splash in the community. There was one instance where he had been spectacularly beaten up by Daredevil and let Tombstone escape. That failure to communicate had since been cleared up, although he still occasionally got job offers from some individual named the Kingpin. Why would he want to work in a bowling alley?

His attempts at romance were almost as bad. He discovered it was rather bad form to hit on women while pretending to be a superhero, especially considering he was building a reputation as a inept one. He did have something with a part time hero/thief by the name of Black Cat, but who knew if it was going anywhere. She did seem interested.

One night he got back to his brownstone to find a strange man with an eye-patch sitting in a chair with the lights off.

"Don't turn on the lights," commanded the man in the chair.

"Who are you?" the wayward Wizard asked, pointing his wand in the man's general direction. "If you're from the Kingpin, I'm not interested. Same as the last twelve guys he sent."

"My name is Colonel Nicolas Fury," the man said.

"I'm afraid I have to ask you to leave," Sirius said. "And how did you gain entrance? I had this flat well protected."

"I have people who can take care of those things," Fury said.

"Why are you here?"

"I run a little organization known as SHIELD," the man replied. "I'm here to offer you a job."

"Rather odd way to ask," Sirius said.

"We're a rather secretive organization in some ways, very public in others," the eye-patched man replied. "You're going to be part of the secretive side of things. Have a seat."

Intrigued, Sirius sat down across from him.

"SHIELD stands for Strategic Hazard Intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate, we're an international organization occasionally funded and operated by the UN," Fury said, lighting up a cigar.

"Why are you interested in me?"

"Because of where you grew up," Fury said.

"The Wizarding World?"

"Exactly," Fury said before taking a puff. "The Wizarding World as you call it, is a very insular and xenophobic society. They're also a danger. We've been keeping tabs on them since the early 70s when Voldemort started making a splash."

He tossed a very thin folder on a coffee table. "That's all we've got on them. Hearsay, rumors and a few overheard conversations. We know what they've done, the countless dead bodies, the house explosions. Ironically our best informants have been the British Prime Ministers. Every attempt we've had to get an agent inside has been blocked."

"Well yes, they aren't very appreciative of muggles."

"Those 'muggles' had their minds wiped," Fury said angrily. "We finally realized why. Everyone goes to a few select schools. You can't get in unless you went to those. There's no way to put agents inside unless they already went to those schools."

"…and the very nature of our society is such that people don't leave society often, if ever, especially if they are pureblooded," Sirius said, catching on.

"Exactly," Fury said. "But there is no way, no how, that I am going to make an eleven year old kid into an Agent of Shield. That's where you come in."

"But I'm a wanted man. I broke out of Azkaban, the punishment for which is to have my soul sucked out by Dementors."

"I've got people working on it," Fury said. "I've got a plan to put some more people on the inside, but it's going to take some time. What I want is you."

"Why me?"

"You're an insider, but you have no loyalty to anyone inside except for Deadpool's kid," Fury said. "Normally that would be a liability, but actually works in our favor this time."

"Because he's Harry Potter."

"The Darling of the Wizarding World." Fury drawled with a smirk.

"What do you want me to do?" Sirius asked, relaxing a little.

"A year of training, debriefing and analysis," Fury said. "You'll continue down here as an incompetent superhero, that will work in our favor as well, but on your other days you'll be working with us. After that, we'll be ready to put you back in society."

"I'm interested, but let me give it some thought," Sirius said.

"You've got a week, I'll be back. If it's 'no', you'll never hear from us again," Fury said. With that he walked out the front door, leaving the folder and the smell of cigar smoke behind.

Sirius glanced through the skeletal file and noticed a number of incorrect assumptions and mistaken identities. They knew basically where Diagon Alley was, but not exactly. They had no idea where Hogwarts was. They were going to need some help.

One week later:

"The answer is yes," Sirius said.

And so began the adventures of Sirius Black, Agent of SHIELD.


	26. Chapter 26

**Look Ma: We're Burly Detectified!**

**

* * *

**

Harry spent his 13th year learning much about magic and did fairly well in regular school. He thought the creation of the _new _New Mutants to be kind of strange, especially considering the teams were being run by the _old_ New Mutants, who weren't that old. Maybe five, six years older than their students. Oh, Irony.

Harry had been placed on Rahne Sinclair's team. He was also one of the youngest there and didn't get to participate much. He had more fun playing around in Chem class. When it comes down to it, there isn't much difference between a calcinatory apparatus and a cauldron. Well, the glass shrapnel isn't as much fun when it blows up, but the steady supply of propane more than makes up for it.

Little did Harry know that the Wheels of Evil™ were turning in Knockturn Alley. They were being turned by a group of semi-retired death eaters led by none other than Lucy, er, Luscious, er, that Malfoy guy.

That-Malfoy-Guy™ was devastated, having lost everything to a bunch of yellow mice. He wanted nothing more than to return to his former place of power. He fully believed in the superiority of the Pure Blooded Wizards. He knew of only one being that could possibly bring about the changes to Wizarding Society that would restore him to his rightful place. After all, when all those blood traitors and muggle-borns were dead, there would be plenty of money to go back into the Malfoy vaults.

That-Malfoy-Guy™ had gathered his former associates, gathered a few similar minded new associates and set about finding where their old boss had gotten too. It just so happened that their old boss was hanging out in his parents' old stomping grounds. And it wasn't hanging so much as floating, considering he was more of a wraith than a person.

"About time," snarled the wraith. "I'm glad that someone finally came looking for me."

"Forgive us My Lord," That-Malfoy-Guy™ said bowing deeply. "Until two years ago we believed you dead."

"You think that this will stop me?" The-Wraith-Formerly-Known-as-Voldemort demanded. "You think some kind of blood traitor can stop me?"

"Truth be told, you're present form isn't that impressive," One of the new recruits commented.

"I am aware of my present form," snarled the creature currently unable to kill the outspoken young racist. "Now I have a plan. A wonderful plan."

"And what is it, Oh Dark Lord?" sycophanted That-Malfoy-Guy™.

"As some have told me, there are plans to bring back the Tri-Wizard Cup!"

There was a hush of amazement and excite me over the announcement.

"Yes," said The-Wraith-Formerly-Known-as-Voldemort. "And we shall engineer it so that Harry Potter shall win. Then I shall use his power to renew myself to greater heights of power never before even dreamt of!"

That-Malfoy-Guy™ nodded in his own sycophantic way. "We shall do whatever is needed to restore you." The blond man turned around to glare at their compatriots. "Won't we?"

They glanced at each other, acknowledging that That-Malfoy-Guy™ would kill them if they refused, and started nodding in agreement.

"Good," said The-Wraith-Formerly-Known-as-Voldemort. One of the "former" Death Eaters raised a hesitant hand.

"It's a good plan My Lord, but my son says Harry Potter never even showed up to Hogwarts this year," Crabbe said. He sounded like a first year asking to go to the loo in Potions class.

"Hmm…" said The-Wraith-Formerly-Known-as-Voldemort, slightly annoyed at the change in his plans. "That does complicate things a bit."

"My son did say that he was attending a school in America," That-Malfoy-Guy™ put in. "Apparently, it's a wizarding school."

"Well then, this is how we'll change it," The-Wraith-Formerly-Known-as-Voldemort said. "We'll just make it into a Quad-Wizard Cup instead. Use your influence in the Ministry to make it happen."

"That's a _wonderful _plan," said That-Malfoy-Guy™, clapping his hands. A glare directed at the others in attendance got them going as well.

"_Malfoy_! Don't patronize me!"

"Of course not Oh Great Dark Lord."

* * *

**Deadpool's Note:** Wow! Can you believe these guys? They just never stop. hmm...I wonder if they stop after you kill them? Whatever, we'll get to try that later. But first, I've decided to make more pancakes and hold the writer hostage. I guess I can't expect that much, I mean, my comics kept getting canceled and...*sob* If I could just get some screen time, I won't pull the trigger on this rubber chicken. You know I'll do it. Please! If you've got more humanity than me, do something!

Also, the fact this chapter was so short was because I took the writer hostage. Yeah, we'll blame it on that.


	27. Chapter 27

**Sorting out Stupidity**

* * *

"Grampa Scotty?"

"Harry?" Scott said with an exasperated tone. "What is it?"

"You've been acting like a dick."

"How _dare _you speak to me that way!"

"See?" Harry said. "That's _exactly _what I'm talking about."

Ever since Jean and Scott had returned from Africa, Scott Summers had been a dick to everyone around him. Granted, most people were willing to give him some distance considering he'd just been sharing a body with an A-list super-villain, but there was only so far a person could go. It had been more than enough for Harry.

"Well Sorry for having Apocalypse stuck in my body!"

_ppft_! Harry said with a glare.

"Yeah right, like most of the rest of us haven't had super-villains in our heads or turned evil," was Harry's dismissive reply. "Gramma Jean: star system destroying Phoenix and her clone Madalyn Pryor; Wolverine: himself and HYDRA, Ororo: the Shadow King; Professor X: himself; Warren: Himself; Kitty: the Hand; the White Queen: herself (well, that's not really a possession, just her natural state); me on a bad day. Anybody who fought the mutates in the Savage Land with Worm there. I think that's a pretty good sampling and covers most of the team."

"It's not that simple!"

"Grampy, get over yourself," Harry said with a roll of his eyes. "Honestly, you're possessed. Big deal. You weren't such a dick to Jean when she was dealing with the fallout of your ex-wife turning evil and then getting her memories stuck in Gramma Jean's head. Now go let her not be a dick to you."

"…okay I think I understood what you meant," Scott replied.

"Good, now I'm gonna go make popcorn for when Gramma kicks Frosty ass," Harry said.

Scott explained the situation to Jean. She was not happy that her husband's therapist was having a mental affair with him. She did then kick Frosty ass, royally so, and aired all Emma's dirty laundry to the entire school. And Harry passed out popcorn.

* * *

Emma Frost never felt the presence behind her until the helmet was forced onto her head. Fearing a physical attack, she shifted into her Diamond form for protection.

"_Petrificus Totalus_" said an all too familiar voice from behind her. "That should take care of you for the meantime. It's not real Latin, but it does the job."

A mask went over her face and for a while everything was black, but she could still observe the passage of time. She was riding in a car, going somewhere. Soon, she was being dragged along. She was unceremoniously dumped on some hard concrete flooring and the blindfold was pulled off. Harry Potter looked down at her with a rather angry expression.

"You shouldn't have done it Emma," he said. "You shouldn't have tried to break up my family."

A thousand thoughts went through the White Queen's mind as she pondered the implications of what was going on. She was in a factory. Where, she didn't know. She was unable to move and her abductor was the son of a well known killer. She thanked her forethought at taking her diamond form. Harry wouldn't be able to harm her and even he wouldn't use the Unforgivables.

She tried to understand his reasoning. His words didn't make any sense.

"Oh, I knew," she heard in her head. "Surprised? Yes, that helmet and your diamond for do prevent telepathy, but I never had that mutation did I? No I had to master a magical form instead. You have no protection against magic, Emma."

This…this was bad.

"I really love my family," Harry said. "It's the only one I've got." The young wizard crouched down to look her in the eyes. "And I don't like it when some super villain sweeps in claiming redemption tries to break up my grandparents. You've made a big mistake Emma. A _very _big mistake."

Emma Frost watched as the teen reached into his backpack and pulled out two books. "I'm a fan of literature, Emma. Here are two of my favorites," he said them up for her to see. "A Cask of Amontillado and Dante's Inferno, and you're going to help me reenact them."

Had Emma the power to move a muscle, she would have been struggling to get away at the implications, but here she was, alone and at his mercy. She watched helplessly as she was bricked up into the new fireplace. Harry was methodical and very serious about his work.

"Emma, do you know what happens to diamonds when they're burned?" he asked her as he spread mortar for another brick. "The same thing to any other carbon that's burned. It turns to Carbon Dioxide. You see, some of us X-Men got passing grades in chemistry. You have absolutely no resistance to fire or heat."

Fear like she had never felt before rushed through her. The kid was supposed to be a joke in the super powered community: Deadpool's crazy kid; the punching bag of almost every super villain out there; the kid who always needed to be rescued at the last minute. Suddenly she knew they were all wrong. They were all very, very wrong. And she wasn't going to be able to tell anyone about it.

He worked steady for three days on the chimney and fireplace. And Emma Frost watched on, unable to even close her eyelids. She didn't even feel flame as the fire burned away her body. The last thing she saw was Harry Potter's face.

He wasn't proud of her death. He wasn't taunting her demise. He didn't cackle with glee. It was clear he gained no pleasure from the act. If anything he had managed to make it as painless physically as it was possible for her, even if the mental anguish was far worse. Harry crossed his arms over his chest and watched her until there was nothing left.

**Too bad that was a clone,** intoned the Watcher when the corpse was nothing but a memory. Harry looked up with a shocked and angry expression. Then it changed to disappointment, skipped acceptance and went right to skepticism.

"I thought the Stepford Cuckoos were the only White Queen Clones?"

**No, there is another…** 'Another thousand that is.'

"Hey! Stop quoting Star Wars and answer the damn question!"

**Actually, that was Empire.**

"Uatu?"

**What's up Harry?**

"You're an ass."

**Thank you.**

"Should you really be proud of that?"

**Should you really be talking to me?**

"Hey, this fanfic was getting way too serious! I had to break the 4th wall at the least. Especially considering I'm not allowed to kick ass like I used to."

**Sure you are.**

"Then why am I in school?"

**Because it's how I have seen it. You want to be a dropout rebel? Go play in someone else's fic.**

"You really are an ass!"

**Get back to work!**

"Fine, fine," Harry said. "Isn't it almost time for me to go fight HYDRA?"

**Not for a while,** intoned the Watcher.

"You never let me have any fun!" he declared before turning to the readers. "Don't let the writer do this to me! Don't make this a serious fic!"

**I'm going to update my Watcher's blog with all those photos of you and a certain someone...**

"You wouldn't!" Harry said, shocked and alarmed.

**Would I?**

"You would," Harry said, depressed and deflated.

**Don't worry, you'll get to beat up Quentin Quire**, wrote the Watcher.

"Good, cuz he's an even bigger ass than you!"

**No arguments here.**

"Harry?" the boy turned to see a pink haired Pixie land beside him. "Who were you talking to?"

"The Watcher," Harry said.

"Is that some kind of hero?" she asked, a little confused.

"More like a villain," Harry grumbled. "Or an insane deity that controls my every move and takes special glee in my suffering. Or that could be the readers...sometimes it's hard to tell them apart."

"Oh," Pixie said. "So what are you burning?"

"Just a little burnable trash," Harry said. "Increases my carbon footprint, but makes me happy."

"Happy is good!" she replied perkily. "Didja bring marshmallows?"

"No, didn't think to," Harry admitted.

"Good, cuz _I_ did!" she said, pulling out a bag from behind her.

And so Harry and Pixie had a wonderful time cooking marshmallows over Emma Frost's Clone's corpse. Not that Pixie knew that, of course.


	28. Chapter 28

**Power of the Armed and Fully Operational Retcon**

**

* * *

**

**Deadpool's note:** Guess what kids? We're BaaAAAaack! And just so you know, although the beginning of this chapter might see _a little _familiar, keep reading, I think you'll enjoy it. Otherwise I don't have too much to say. I just got back from a shark jumping competition and It's a bit harder than you think. That, of course, has nothing to do with today's chapter.

* * *

"Grampa Scotty?"

"Harry?" Scott said with an exasperated tone. "What is it?"

"You've been acting like a dick."

"How _dare _you speak to me that way!"

"See?" Harry said. "That's _exactly _what I'm talking about."

Ever since Jean and Scott had returned from Africa, Scott Summers had been a dick to everyone around him. Granted, most people were willing to give him some distance considering he'd just been sharing a body with an A-list super-villain, but there was only so far a person could go. It had been more than enough for Harry.

"Well Sorry for having Apocalypse stuck in my body!"

_ppft!_ "Yeah right! Like most of the rest of us haven't had super-villains in our heads or turned evil," was Harry's dismissive reply. "Gramma Jean: star system destroying Phoenix and her clone Madalyn Pryor; Wolverine: himself and HYDRA, Ororo: the Shadow King; Professor X: himself; Warren: Himself; Kitty: the Hand; the White Queen: herself (well, that's not really a possession, just her natural state); me on a bad day. Anybody who fought the mutates in the Savage Land with Worm there. I think that's a pretty good sampling and covers most of the team."

_"It's not that simple!"_

"Grampy, get over yourself," Harry said with a roll of his eyes. "Honestly, you're possessed. Big deal. You weren't such a dick to Jean when she was dealing with the fallout of your ex-wife turning evil and getting stuck in Jean's head. More importantly, she wasn't a dick to you about it. Now go let her not be a dick to you, and you go not be a dick to her."

"…okay I think I understood what you meant," Scott replied.

"Good, now I'm gonna go make popcorn for when Gramma kicks Frosty ass," Harry said.

Scott explained the situation to Jean. She was not happy that her husband's therapist was having a mental affair with him. She then did kick Frosty ass. And Harry passed out popcorn.

After a while Scott got to thinking:_ hadn't all this happened before?_

* * *

Emma Frost never felt the presence behind her until the helmet was forced onto her head. Fearing a physical attack, she shifted into her Diamond form for protection.

When no attack came, she turned around to look at Harry, who was poised as if listening to something off in the distance.

"Potter," she said, "Why are you standing in that overly dramatic pose?"

"I sense a great disturbance in the Web," Harry said. "It's as if a thousand readers cried out: 'This is stupid' and went on to read something else. Hence the Retcon. Which, admittedly, is kinda weird. I didn't even know we had a thousand readers."

Emma Frost pulled off the Magneto Helm of her head and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Potter? Just go to your room."

"Naw, I'm gonna go roast marshmallows with Megan," Harry said, ignoring her authority. "Since I know she's got some now."

Emma almost growled as he walked away. "I _hate _that kid."

* * *

As Harry walked out into the grounds he noticed a familiar shape silhouetted against the night sky. Cain Marko, better known as the Juggernaut, was back.

Harry ran inside, pulled on his mask, and grabbed his doorknobs. Soon enough he ran up and let out a battle cry. Cain Marko glanced up in surprise to see a slightly familiar kid in a black and green Deadpool mask jumping at his face.

"Who the hell are you?" the unstoppable Juggernaut asked as the kid pointed a couple of guns at him.

_"Don't you know who I am?"_ the kid said. _"I'm Arthur Bea Wilson, bitch!"_

The Juggernaut looked up at him confused. "…no I don't know who you are."

_"Eat hot trank darts!"_ Arthur cried out, shooting the bigger figure in the exposed fleshy bits (no, not the naughty bits). Now, normally, this wouldn't have had that much of an effect. Normally, the mystical energies of Cyttorak would have negated the tranquilizers, however, Cain Marko and Ole' Cyttie had a little falling out. Even so, it took a couple of minutes of Arthur attacking uselessly before it took effect on the still massively muscular opponent/victim. However, by that time the senior X-Men had arrived.

"Harry," Jean said in** Mom Voice ™**. It was the extra strength version. "What are you doing?"

_"I'm defeating the Juggernaut who came to attack the school once again!"_

Scott took a deep breath.

"Harry," he said. "He's on our side now."

Arthur stopped quite suddenly. _"… … … oh."_

And that's when the tranquilizers kicked in, toppling the massive semi-ex-super-villain over with a mighty crash. Harry glanced at the sleeping Juggernaut. Then he glanced at the exasperated expression on Jean and Scott's faces.

_"Um…oops?"_

"Harry," Jean and Scott chorused while pointing back towards the mansion, "go to your room."

* * *

"Okay, now today we're going to reveal the new match ups in the danger room," Jean Grey said. "These are designed to test your resourcefulness in case one of your allies gets taking over by an opposing force and you have to beat them. We'll also be using code names only."

One student raised her hand.

"Yes, Surge?"

"Does this happen often? Enemies going evil?" she asked.

"Actually it's downright common," Jean said. "But usually it's just possession or mind control rather than truly going evil. Except for Wolverine and Northstar being taken over by the Hand. Well, and me a few years back. And Kitty when she was taken over by the Hand and-well, that's enough examples for now."

Another student raised their hand.

"Didn't Logan cause more damage when he was unbrainwashed and working for SHIELD?"

"But that goes without saying," Jean said blythly. "And now for the match ups. First match: Hellion vs Surge."

Two seconds and one lightning bolt later: "Surge Wins!"

* * *

"Second match up: Wind Dancer verses Pixie."

Draw: Pixie used her pixie dust, causing Wind Dancer to hallucinate, but Wind Dancer let her wind powers get out of control and forced them both to fly in random directions.

* * *

Third match up: Prodigy verses Arthur Bea Wilson.

The two boys Stood opposite each other in the Danger Room. Arthur just grinned under his mask.

"I never understood why you chose such a strange code name," Prodigy said.

_"My Dad gave it to me,"_ Arthur said. _"It's part of who I am."_

"You know magic, why didn't you chose one based on that?"

_"Well, Wand-Boy was lame; Boy-Who-Lived was extra lame and stupid; Magic was taken; the Wizard was taken and lame,"_ Arthur said with an innocent shrug. _"Other than calling myself Harrysaurus Rex, there weren't any other real choices."_

"So are you going to make a move?" Prodigy asked.

_"Yep, just did,"_ Arthur replied a moment after lowering his mental shields. Prodigy's mutant power allowed him to know what others nearby know. With the sudden influx of information he fell to his knees in horror.

"No! It can't be true!"

_"Oh, it is,"_ Arthur said.

"This is _madness_," Prodigy said.

_"No, this is **Marvel**,"_ Arthur said.

"The readers, staring at us on the page, watching, watching us _all!_" mumbled the horrified Prodigy. "How? How is this possible?"

_"Dunno, been around as long as I can remember,"_ Arthur said. _"Since about chapter 2. Dad says they've been around since at least chapter 1, possibly earlier."_

"I surrender, you win," Prodigy said. "Please, no more!"

* * *

The rest of the match ups passed without major incident.


	29. Chapter 29

**House of Mmmmm...Good**

**

* * *

**Looking back, the Sorting Hat Experience was going to be the greatest musical sensation since the Beatles. It should have been. It had the backing of our beloved Lord Magneto as the face of change, but what happened to this gifted trio? Watch as we look back at the life and times of the _Sorting Hat Experience_, next on Behind the Music.

* * *

**Behind the Music: The Sorting Hat Experience**

"We were so young and so foolish, looking back on it."

Harry Potter, lead guitarist:  
"We were the biggest mutant group to come about right after the change. We were the next big thing. Everything was amazing. Packed Houses, record companies giving us everything we ever wanted; and the _parties_: it was like everything was going our way."

In the fast and furious late 80s, they were the center of the Mutant Rock Revolution, a change that moved from stage displays of cranks and pyrotechnics to massive displays of mutant talent and abilities mixed with laser shows and power ballads. The Sorting Hat Experience led the way and others followed.

Harry Potter:  
"It was really weird. We went from nobodies to this sudden world wide sensation. They were practically handing us bags of money. And we'd spend it. Oh how we'd spend it."

Arthur Bea Wilson, Lead Base:  
_"To this day I don't know how it happened. We went from playing in the Leaky Cauldron to this global sensation playing for 20-30 thousand people a night. It was bloody surreal."_

Their lives as nobodies were over. Seemingly overnight, everybody on the planet knew their names: Harry Potter, Arthur Bea Wilson, and the Sorting Hat. Others would come to the band and stay for a while, but these three were the first and continued to be the true core of the Mutant Rock phenomenon. Their album sold nearly ten million copies; their second sold more than twice that and the money kept piling up and the shows kept selling out.

Their popularity exploded thanks to the growth of the new cabal station MMTV, the now well known Mutant Music Television. They were some of the first to market themselves through music videos and shows of their brilliant stunts.

Fashion Model Angel Salvadore:  
"Oh man! I remember when I first saw them. It was incredible! Thousands of people were just screaming their names. I could barely see them, I was so far back in the crowd, but then they did their thing and were standing 40ft tall in Central Park. And that was only two months after Badgers and Snakes. They're still my favorite band."

The Sorting Hat Experience's journey began in a private school in Scotland. The music was their way of avoiding the problems faced by the changing world. The school, known as Hogwarts at the time, was the center of magical training in Britain for almost a millennium.

Long time friend, Hermione Granger:  
"In the Wizarding World, nothing ever changes. That's what people used to say. When the mutants started springing up everywhere, even we knew things couldn't stay the same. Harry outing himself as a mutant was really the beginning of the end of the Wizarding World."

But the closed society wasn't that willing to change. A group of human terrorists tried to kill off the mutant population like in so many other places, but this one stepped a little too far. Their leader, Thomas Riddle, made the mistake of murdering a friend of the Royal Family. Betsey Braddock asked Lord Magnus for assistance and the Red Guard tracked them down and dealt with the terrorists.

Esteemed Mutant Rock historian Ron Weasley:  
"The Wizarding world was due for a change. These people were fools. They thought they could stop the world from turning, but eventually the world rolled right over them. When the Red Guard took out the ministry most of us knew the status quo had changed. Too many fought back, they shouldn't have."

Harry, Arthur and Neville, their friend from school set out to make a band, something to rise above the chaos that had filled their society. They soon discovered two things: none of them could sing and Neville couldn't keep a beat.

Harry Potter:  
"Neville was a horrid drummer. Oh we were trying this one song and he just started hitting everything in front of him. It didn't make any sense. We finally spelled the sticks to keep a beat and let him pound away at the rest of them all he wanted."

The singer was harder to find. They tried their friends, but that didn't work out so well.

Hermione Granger again:  
"Ha! Oh, I tried. hehehe…We had this one gig at the Three Broomsticks and I just couldn't do it. Everyone was staring at me! There I was, all of 16 and I couldn't take the pressure. Put me in a science symposium and I'll take the house, put me between a band and a crowd and I fold like cleaning charm. It was so bad. I could watch, I could manage, but there was no way I was going to sing."

Eventually, the trio found their singer in the most unlikely of places: the Headmaster's desk.

_"We'd all seen it before."_  
Arthur Bea Wilson:  
_"We'd all seen it every year when they brought the little ones in at the start of the school year, but we just didn't think of it. Jessica was killed in the crossfire and we just picked up the place. And there it was, just as happy as if it knew something. The Sorting Hat heard we started a band and it suddenly hit us, the missing piece."_

The Sorting Hat had worked in the school since it's start at the start of the second millennium AD. It's responsibility was to sort the students into different houses based on personality traits determined by the founders. With the collapse of the Wizarding World, there was no need for the old ways to continue, so the Sorting Hat found itself out of a job. Now, allowed to show off its impeccable range of voice and talent to the world, the Sorting Hat Experience was born.

It didn't take long for them to be found side by side with the most famous people in the entertainment industry.

Harry Potter:  
"The Sorting Hat could be found on almost any young starlette's head in those days. He went from model to soap star to groupie. He never stopped. He always said that he'd be the best if he only had a good pair of legs."

Hermione Granger:  
"That first show in Hollywood was like a dream come true. There was everyone who was anyone. That was when Sorty met Mary-Jane for the first time. Contrary to popular belief they didn't start off on a good note. Sorty made some lewd comment and she threw a drink in his face. Oh it's funny now, but the girl under the hat was pissed and annoyed. The drunken bitch punched Mary right then. I don't know if I've seen a bigger fight since."

But this great band was plagued by inner disputes and problems. Every high they attained was followed by an equally deep low. They almost didn't make it to their second album, 1986's Mixing the Houses.

Arthur Bea Wilson:  
_"We had this first big mega hit. Badgers and Snakes was this multi platinum thing and we didn't deal with the success well. People were giving us things we always wanted and took it for granted."_

Harry Potter:  
"We were at this all time high. Everything was going our way and we should have known then that it was going to take a toll."

And it did take it's toll in the form of the life of their good friend and drummer Neville Longbottom. Neville Longbottom died backstage, choking on his own vomit just moments before the band was set to go on stage.

Harry Potter:  
"Neville had more firewhiskey in him than the whole of Hogsmead. He never should have been with us, but it was just one thing after another. Eventually, it all came to a head. It was really hard. We'd known him since we were kids. He was the first one of all of us to have died and we didn't know how to deal."

Neville's ex-girlfriend Carol Danvers explains:  
"Neville-well... Neville never had a problem with self esteem. He always knew what he wanted to do and nothing was going to keep him from it. That was a problem when he started going over the edge. You couldn't tell him that he had gone to far because he wouldn't believe it. I was growing in my powers and popularity and he was touring with the band. Eventually we knew it was going to end badly, but you could never get Neville to listen to reason."

Arthur Bea Wilson:  
_"He was just falling apart, and we watched, but we were falling apart too. We just never noticed that it was getting that bad because we were all getting that bad. There was simply nothing to compare to."_

The band got back together and changed their image, going to fashion designer Janet van Dyne for help. She remade them from a Wizarding Band with a mutant member to the face of the Mutant Rock movement and set the stage for immortal stardom.

They then had to come to the sad realization that they had to replace their beloved Neville.

Harry Potter:  
"That was basically the hardest bloody discussion we ever had. We lost him, we knew it, but we had to move on. The problem was we didn't want to move on. It was so bloody hard."

Hermione Granger:  
"In some ways this was harder than dealing with his death in the first place. This meant he was going away. Sorty took it especially hard. There was a lot of yelling, I remember that, but I don't really remember what was being said."

Eventually, a friend of theirs introduced them to Canadian rocker, Jean-Paul Beaubier, better known as Beau. His mutant powers allowing for spectacular photokenetic displays and the ability to hit 4,567 recognizable beats per minute made him an instant hit with the other members.

Harry Potter:  
"We all knew we had to make a change, so we didn't go with the same methods we had used with Neville. Beau made his own place. I don't think we were very welcoming at first. He had a hard time filling that hole."

Hermione Granger:  
"Beau was incredible. And what was better, he didn't try to replace Neville. It was more like he just pulled up a chair next to where Neville was supposed to be. I don't really know how he did it, but some times, when we were deep in the songs, it was almost like Neville was there with us."

Arthur Bea Wilson:  
_"Beau was amazing. He could just do it. He took that drum set and made it his own. We couldn't have done any of this without him."_

But Beau had his own reservations about joining a band so soon after their instant stardom.

Beau:  
"Frankly, I was worried that I had just joined a one hit wonder band. They'd only put out one album, which was great, but it was alarming too. I'd worked with other bands and already had a name for myself. I was worried that this would be the end to my music career."

With their new image and a new drummer, the band went back to the studio. After thirteen weeks of eighteen hour days nonstop they had their album. The legendary Mixing the Houses was ready.

Rock Historian Ron Weasley again:  
"Mixing the Houses was bloody brilliant. I mean it's all about the change and the destruction of a society, but it's focused on what's coming next. It had it all: loss, forgiveness, pain, joy, arrogance, humility. It was everything they felt from the loss of Neville and the loss of society as most of them knew it, but it was more than that. It told a story for everyone, not just the Wizarding folk, but the whole planet. We'd just come to a point where mutants weren't hated and were being revered. Mixing the Houses was perfect for the time."

Arthur Bea Wilson:  
_"Looking back on it, I can't believe it took off. We were just a bunch of young punks with wands, a couple of mutant genes and a hat on a bird. We had no business writing the soundtrack of the times."_

See how they dealt with the fallout after this commercial break.

* * *

The Avengers, the X-Men and a few others awakened by the powers of Layla Miller looked at the TV screen with shock and horror. They knew the House of M world was wrong, but that took the cake.

"Am I the only one totally creeped out by that?" Scott asked.

"Nope," said Wolverine.

"That's pretty much the most twisted thing in this world so far," Peter Parker said. "And considering the whole Magneto's new world order going on, that's saying a lot."

"…"

"…"

"…You guys want to watch the rest of it, don't you?"

The others looked at each other for a long silent moment before nodding.

"Yeah."

"It's like watching a trainwreck in slow motion and not being able to do a damn thing about it," Tony Stark said in an almost hypnotized voice. "I just can't look away."

* * *

**Deadpool's note: **Though it should be obvious, Behind the Music and affiliated references are property of VH1 and not the writer-person. Everything else is JKR and Disney, because they own HP and Marvel and me. Well, Disney owns me, not JKR. But I think you knew that. You did right? Really? Okay, good. Cool. Now I've gotta go pick up Cable-Baby from Mr. Sin, have dinner, eat a lot of barbiturates that were laced in the meal, hang with Siren and have a party.

...In bed.

...wait. That game doesn't really work if it's not a fortune cookie, or does it? I think it should. My little yellow box thinks so too. Or do I think so too? Maybe my box it thinks me so too? Wait, what?

Okay, okay, I'm instructed by this idiot at the keyboard (honestly, if Gail Simone isn't writing me, I ain't worth reading) to tell you all that this took place during the super massive mega extreme uncanny astonishing, excessive, (but not Ultimate, cuz that's a whole different universe) _**House of M**_ crossover event thingy.

_Ha! _ I just said thingy.

... ... ... And chimichanga.


	30. Chapter 30

**Not lies, just a vague grasp of the truth**

* * *

"_NO MORE MUTANTS!_" screamed the Scarlet Witch a moment before everything changed.

In England, Every witch, wizard, warlock, and magical being looked up in horror as the world changed by some great unknown magical force. Mutants all over the world suddenly found themselves transformed back into baseline humans

In Genosha, the Avengers, X-Men and a few other people were reeling from the fallout of many losing their powers. Magneto himself fell to the ground, truly powerless for the first time since his internment by the Nazis more than a half century before. Or any other event that made him loose his powers. It wasn't like it was a unique occurrence.

In Westchester County, the young X-Men were reeling from the same thing, many of them loosing their powers.

Harry looked to the left of him and saw Pixie and Hellion and a few others still had their powers. He looked to the right and noticed a few people having lost everything. Harry turned back towards Nancy who was hanging off the porch after just eating a large stray cat.

"We good Nancy?" he asked the snake in Parsletongue. Nancy gave the serpentine equivalent of a thumbs up.

_"We're good," _he said in a standard snake hiss.

"We still posted on Fanfiction Dot net?" Harry asked aloud.

**Yes**, said the Watcher from across the room. He was observing the ladies play basket ball. He _was _a Watcher after all.

"We're good," Harry said with a thumbs up.

All was right with the world.

* * *

When the X-Men later returned, Emma Frost started ushering all the now-non-mutants out of their rooms and onto buses. When Emma found Harry hanging out in his room playing video games she was none too pleased.

"It's time for you to leave," snarled the semi-former-villain.

Harry gave her the finger and continued playing with his Wii. The video game system, not the other one.

Furious by being ignored, she reached out and grabbed him by the shoulder. Harry responded by shooting her in the chest with a tazer.

"Wow, you really are stupid," Harry said as the White Queen fell over in a lump. She was about to get back up, so Harry tazed her again. "Hello, home here. Could've gone to Uncle Cable's place, but you guys are planning to sink it. Stupid idea that. I think I'll stay here."

He walked out of the room and for the first time realized a whole bunch of the other students were moving out. Harry, the Son of Deadpool ™, did not recognize the very obvious changes in them. Oddly enough, even if someone had a body made of rock a week before, Harry still knew exactly who they were.

"Hey, where's everybody going?"

"Frost is kicking us out because we're not mutants anymore," Sofia Mantega grumbled.

"You aren't?" Harry asked, genuinely surprised. "So where are you going?"

"I have no where to call home anymore. My father has no desire to see me," She replied. Many other students echoed her statements.

"Wow, she really _is _stupid," Harry said, referring to Emma Frost again. The woman in question had gotten back up and was storming out of the room after the budding wizard. Harry, as per his usual MO, ignored her completely.

He walked out of the building, looked at the buses in the courtyard and promptly turned them into turtles; really, really big painted turtles with snapping turtle necks. They began eating Professor X's prized heritage azalea bushes.

"Oh, oops, look like there aren't any buses here," Harry said in an oh-so-fake voice. "Looks like everybody needs to go back inside. **sarcasm **Oh, too bad that dream of Chuck's about mutant/human equality and tolerance has to continue. Oh, _darn_! I know Frosty's gonna be upset.** /Sarcasm** "

Yes, he actually did say _Sarcasm _and _Slash Sarcasm_.

Emma Frost, standing behind the wizard was not pleased. "How dare you defy me!"

"It's not really that hard," Harry said. "I just have to say 'no.' Pretty much the most basic form of defiance."

"You have no right to do that!"

"Uh, actually I do," Harry said.

"Do as I say!"

"No," Harry said with a grin.

"Now!"

"No," Harry said, stretching his arms over his head and pretending to yawn.

As their speech was getting more infantile, the other students looked at the giant turtles, looked at the two bickering idiots and then looked at each other. Then, almost as one, they started lugging their things back inside the X-Mansion.

* * *

"Scott! He needs to be punished!" Emma Frost snarled at the staff meeting. Scott summers sighed deeply.

"He's right you know," Storm said, cutting off Scott's response. "Rejecting them would be counter to the professor's dream."

"Not you too!"

"Yep, he's exactly right," Kitty Pryde said. "And he knows his super-villains, so he's good in my book."

"I am not a super-villain!" Emma snarled. Kitty made a faux surprised expression.

"Oh, now," she said with a grin. "I never said I was talking about _you_. Feeling defensive are we?"

Emma Frost ground her teeth so hard they squeaked.

"He's right though," Hank McCoy said. "You track record as an education is pretty miserable. The Hellions, Chamber, Synch, Penance, Skin, your actions as part of the Hellfire Club, your remarkable ability to get your students killed…I could go on if you want."

"Wait, what are you accusing me of?"

"Nothing, just commenting on your past record," Beast said blithely.

Just then, Hank McCoy walked in.

"Has anyone seen my image inducer?" he asked. "Are we supposed to be having a meeting?"

The rest of the X-Men turned to the Beast impersonator with flat, unamused looks.

"Harry?" Scott asked, his hand going towards his visor. "Care to explain yourself?"

"I figured it would give my position an air of legitimacy," Harry replied. "It's all true."

"You're in quite a bit of trouble, young man," Scott said with a stern look.

Harry (disguised as Beast) just shrugged at the readers. "It's a fair cop."

Scott was about to say something more when the girl formerly known as Wind Dancer rushed into the room. "Mr. Summers! Harry's bus turtles are wearing bombs!"

All eyes turned to Harry (who was still wearing his Beast disguise). The young wizard shook his head. "I didn't have anything to do with that. Well, I did the transmutation, but I didn't do the bombs. But Frosty is a bitc-"

Incredulous eyebrows were raised. Harry wisely did not finish that particular word, however accurate a descriptor it might be. He was about to make an alternative defensive comment, but stopped when the Young X-Man known as Surge ran in.

"Harry's Bus Bomb Turtles are starting to mate in the courtyard!"

Harry earned another round of accusatory looks.

"Hey! It's a biological imperative! Just think of it as a bio lesson!"

Hank rolled his eyes and was about to comment when Northstar ran in.

"One of Harry's Mating Bus Bomb Turtles is humping Emma's convertible!"

Harry was very lucky that Emma couldn't give looks that kill. With the irrefutable proof of his situation, he felt it was time to leave the room with utmost haste. "Well, I'll see you all later. Good luck with the bombs and the car."

Hank stepped in the way as Harry tried to slip out the door. He held out his hand. Harry shook his hand. Hank just gave him a slight glare.

"Image inducer," he said as an explanation.

"Oh, right," Harry turned it off and slapped it into the blue palm of Hank McCoy before running down the hallway.

* * *

He was running out the front door when he heard the familiar snap of a wizard teleporting in. Five wizards to be exact.

"Ah, Harry Potter, exactly the person we're looking for," said Minister Fudge.

"Right, and to do that, when my angry grandfather and his friends come chasing after me, we're going to play a game of I went that way, where you point in the opposite direction of that which I run," Harry said, preparing to run off in a different direction.

"Are those giant turtles?" asked Percy Weasley.

"humph! Of course they are," Bartemius Crouch Sr. said dismissively.

"We are here, Mr. Potter," Fudge began, "to formally invite your school to participate in the next TriWizard tournament. Of course, we'll be including more than just three schools this year. Since it's been revived for the first time in over two hundred years, we decided to invite the schools from across the pond: This Xavier's institute and the Salem Institute."

"Oh, sorry, the Salem Institute was closed down a while back and all the students graduated or came here," Harry corrected. Once again, neither realized they were talking about two different Salem Institutes.

"Really?" asked a very surprised Minister Fudge. "They should inform me of these things! Making me look like a fool! Honestly!"

"Well, you can blame the former Headmistress for that, she's pretty incompetent," Harry said. He heard a commotion from the entrance. "Great, now just tell them I went in another direction!"

And so Harry scampered off into the bushes.

* * *

A bare few moments later, the senior X-Men ran out of the mansion and almost collided with the Wizarding expedition.

"Uh, hello," said Scott suspiciously.

"Indeed," replied Crouch. "We are here on behalf of the Ministry, specifically from the Department of International Magical Cooperation in regards to the Tri-Wizard tournament."

"Look, now isn't the best time," Scott said. "I need to find Harry, we've got Sentinels on the radar and I need to get him back inside."

"Oh, he went that way," Percy Weasley said, dutifully pointing in the wrong direction.

* * *

In William Stryker's home base

"What do you mean the buses never left?" Stryker, televangelist and mutant hater extraordinaire bellowed into the telephone. "Of course they were supposed to be on the buses! What do you mean they turned into turtles?"

William Stryker ground his teeth, suddenly realizing his plans for mass murder had been derailed.


	31. Chapter 31

**Sentinels, Wizards and HYDRA, oh yeah!**

**

* * *

**

"Okay, we've got Sentinels on all sides and Harry chooses _this _moment in time to pull a vanishing act," Scott Summers growled. He and his wife were pulling on their combat suits to prepare for battle.

"You know, you've been pretty hard on him lately," Jean said, flipping her red hair out of her suit.

"He's been acting up more lately," Scott replied, closing his eyes so he could slip on his visor without blowing up the school.

"He's become a teenager," Jean said with a grin. "You might have been a stick in the mud back then, but he's much more relaxed about rules."

"It's only a matter of time before he does something that people aren't going forgive for his age," Cyclops said.

"But not now," Phoenix replied. "And everything he said about Emma was true."

"Do we really need to get into that again?"

"Why not?" she said with a wry grin. "You know, Harry told me that I was supposed to be dead right now and you'd be dating her instead if, and I quote, 'the universe hadn't decided not to pull a stupid.' Funny, huh?"

"Let's not consider that right now," Cyclops said in a horrified voice. Him and Emma? What kind of psycho world is that? "Let's go kick some Sentinel butt."

"I'd cheer you on, if that wasn't what passed for you talking dirty," she laughed.

He just rolled his eyes as they left their quarters.

* * *

As they approached the doorway to the great outdoors, they did not hear the normal sounds of mutant/giant robot combat. Instead they heard chanting and cheering. Hellion was even setting up a betting ring.

"What the hell is going on here?" Scott bellowed. The students fell silent almost instantly.

"Harry's giant tortoises are fighting the robots like Gamera verses Mecha-Gojira," the Three-In-One Stepford Cuckoos announced in one singular voice from the three young telepaths. Their tone suggested it should explain everything.

"What?" was Jean Grey's confused comment. The three blonde Emma-Clones pointed across the courtyard, where buses-turned-turtles were in hand to hand combat with the purple robots. It looked like they were winning too.

"How do they know Judo?" Hank McCoy, also know as Beast, asked as he straightened his glasses on his nose. "Does _Harry _even know Judo?"

They were soon joined by the other original X-Men who just looked on with a confused and slightly alarmed look.

"I'm not dreaming, right?" Iceman asked as he scratched his head.

"No, I really do think those are giant, adolescent, mutated, martial artist tortoises," Warren Worthington III confirmed.

Iceman gave him a sly look. "You were going to say something else, weren't you?"

Angel shrugged. "Yes, but Harry was quite insistent that the other phrase was copy written and trademarked. I'm not sure why that prevents me from saying it, but he claimed it was something about there being too many crossovers in this fic anyways. I don't really understand what he meant."

"You've got me," Iceman said. "What are their names?"

"Munch, Picasso, Matisse, and Magritte," Angel replied. "Once again, I don't know why he named them after artists, but he claimed it was traditional."

"He seems to be implying that we are fictional characters," Beast said. "But we of course know that is not true."

"Of course," said the other Original X-Men in unison, perhaps a little too quickly and perhaps with a little nervousness in their voices. They were still dumbfounded by the really big turtles.

"Shouldn't the Sentinels be using their repulsor blasts by now?" Jean asked.

"Yeah, they should have," Beast said. He pointed to a blonde woman walking through the battle zone. "Is that Val Cooper?"

It was Val Cooper, and she was there to tell them the Sentinels were there to protect the mutants, not chase them away.

"But really," she said, "where'd the giant turtles come from?"

The original X-Men (also the original X-Factor, but who's counting?), shared a glance before shrugging in unison.

"Apparently they used to be buses," Warren said, with a shrug of his wings.

"You have someone who can do that?" she asked. The X-Men, and all the other professors sighed deeply.

"Yes…"

Then they shared a moment of silent communication as they all tried to explain Harry to the government agent.

"Uh, pardon me," said another voice. Heads turned to the hesitant form of Percy Weasley. "We were hoping to speak to the headmaster?"

"Who are you?" Jean asked, not recognizing the men. She did, however, recognize the manner of dress; their robes identified them instantly as fashion rejects, or, er, wizards. "What has Harry done this time? Was it robbing a bank? Did he break someone out of prison? Did he insight rebellion in a large group of people? Bend a really big magic snake to his will?"

The Wizards shrugged.

"To my knowledge he has never done any of these things," Bartimous Crouch Sr. said honestly. "We're here as representatives of the Ministry of Magic to speak about your school entering into the Wizard Cup this upcoming school year."

"Uh, this really isn't the time," Jean said. "We're dealing with a little problem with our own government. We'd love to take part, but there's a few things we need to work out first."

"Oh, say no more," Cornelius Fudge replied in a haughty and faux conspiratorial tone, trying not to stare at her skin tight outfit. These colonials were all really quite scandalous. The men too, everything was outlined. It was so…so…Whatever happened to good sensible robes? He got his mind back on the subject. "We understand fully. If you don't mind, could we use the loo? It's been a very long trip."

Cyclops pointed over his shoulder. "In there, take a left and then the next door on the right."

"Thank you much," said the Minister of Magic as he almost ran to the room. His companions shrugged.

"International Floo travel does rarely agree with the Minister," Crouch said, as if it was a kind secret shared between equals. Cyclops rolled his eyes behind his visor. Jean chuckled at her husband's response, having felt it through their mental link.

"Right, so just through there and have a seat," Jean said, pointing to the sitting room. "We'll be right with you."

The British Wizards quite dutifully walked right in and sat down. Jean telekenitically distributed some tea and cakes from the cupboards before turning back to Val Cooper.

"What was that all about?" the government agent asked. Jean and Scott sighed deeply.

"They're from a magic school in the UK," Scott said.

"They're under the impression that this is a magic school," Jean finished.

"And you're not going to correct them?" Val asked.

"Well…we do have some students who do magic," Scott said slowly.

"And hey, from what we understand if they find out we're not a magic school, they'll try to erase our memories," Jean said with a shrug. "It's really just much easier this way."

"How'd you get involved with that?"

Jean and Scott shared an amused look before turning back to Val.

"We were adopted as grandparents by a young wizard (and possibly a mutant at one time) by the name of Harry Potter," Jean said.

"Why?"

"Well, he was raised by Wade Wilson," Scott said. Then he laughed. It was always fun to make the blood drain from Val's face with dastardly news. "But we try to keep him in line."

"What can he do? Is he a threat?"

The X-Men pondered the possibilities. Beast spoke first. "I would hazard a guess that he could be potentially capable of anything, as we have seen from his magical transformations in recent years. He also has some talent for anticipating events, but only for maximum humorous value. A threat? Well, should his sanity return, (that is working under the dubious assumption that he had sanity in the first place) he would certainly be capable of a great many things, great but terrible, should he choose to go down that path, but I have great doubts as to the growth of his sanity, and barring any Bea Arthur related criminal activity, I would have to say no, he is not a threat."

Val had a rather Deer-In-Headlights look.

"Riiiight," she said slowly. "Where is this 'Hairy Porter' anyway?"

"Oh, he ran away just before your sentinels showed up," Jean said.

* * *

Harry, as ambitious as he always was, had managed to escape much farther than most people thought he had. A magic motorcycle was wonderful in that respect. Harry never really knew where it had come from, but it showed up shortly after he turned eleven. After it spent four months against a tree (and was miraculously not stolen) Harry had called dibs. It was a flying motorcycle and someone named Hagrid had written his name on it.

Now, it should be noticed that Harry was not yet 16, he did not even have a driver's permit, much less a pilots license or even training, and he quickly noticed that the world looks much different when seen from above. He was helplessly lost. So he went higher (almost to the point where he was having trouble breathing) took a bearing on the Empire State Building, and hit the throttle full open.

Harry lost control.

He was still on the bike. It was still moving. It was still headed in the general direction of New York City, but was not longer under his command. Harry was streaming out behind it like a banner on a beach plane.

It was pretty awesome.

To be precise, it was awesome until he hit the Sentry in the back of the head. Then he was less flying out of control and more falling to his death. The Sentry, having been running from the Void, never even noticed as he flew away.

"This was so much cooler in my head," Harry said as he plummeted downwards, the streets of New York City growing ever closer. "I know! I'll think Happy Thoughts until I turn into an Allosaurus."

Unfortunately Allosauruses can't withstand that kind of impact better than 14 year old boys. Luckily for Harry, there was an Iron Man flying below him. This lessened the impact, sending Tony Stark careening into the air at an oblique angle as Harry, his momentum momentarily slowed, continued to fall. Tony Stark, still spinning out of control, crashed into the Fantasticar as it was taking off from the Baxter Building.

Spiderman saw the familiar Allosaurus falling from the sky and went web-swinging along until he was able to make a nice big trampoline of webbing across two streets. Harry, now blissfully unconscious, bounced off the webbing, and fell through a building. Unfortunately for Harry, this happened to be a recently opened HYDRA base where they were building clones of certain Avengers and brainwashing them into their neo-Nazi mentality.

Harry, still unconscious, landed tail first onto Captain HYDRA, squashing him flat. Then he rolled over onto Iron-HYDRA-Man, crunching his armor and spine. Thor, Agent of HYDRA, was about to smash the magical dinosaur with his big nasty hammer, but the rest of the roof collapsed on his head. He fell over onto HYDRA's Ant-Man, squashing him like a bug.

Spider-Man arrived just in time to see Hawkeye-HYDRA about to shoot the Allosaurus base-invader. He webbed the bow, but jumped out of the way as his spider-sense informed him of danger. Harry, still in dinosaur form, rolled over Hawkeye-HYDRA, making him pretty much indiscernible from Captain HYDRA, or Ant-Man HYDRA.

Thor, Agent of HYDRA got back up, but Spidy kicked him in the face.

Harry started to snore big dinosaur snores.

Bob, Agent of HYDRA, cowered in the corner.

"I only joined this for the dental plan!" he said. "Oh, and Hail HYDRA!"


	32. Chapter 32

**Puny Humans!**

**

* * *

**

DEADPOOL'S NOTE: Wow, we've been dead for a while! Good think I self published "Stupid Author #1." Now that he's a comic book, that means he won't die permanently. Well, Marvel will pretend, but those guys will just forget this death and write it in later. Worked for Sunfire. Or make it a crossover event. Whatever.

More importantly, ME! Wait! What do you mean I don't appear in this chapter? Come here while I shove this chimichanga down your throat.

* * *

"**AWAKEN**!" bellowed the command inside his head. Harry awoke to find himself in a room that looked like nothing. He could sense the boarders, but there was nothing except for him.

"Whoa," he said, glancing around. "Looks like I've been summoned by some powerful being from another dimension. Are you the Beyonder?"

"**NO**," commanded the voice.

"Are you sure?" Harry asked. "This is really the Beyonder's shtick. I mean, whoa, holy Secret Wars Batman, and all that. And the scenery that's starting to show up is very Jack Kirby. I bet you're the Beyonder and just pretending not to be."

"**I'M NOT THE BLOODY BEYONDER**!"

"You're not? Oh, then you must be Eternity."

"**NO**!"

"The Watcher?"

"NO!"

"Adam Warlock?"

"**NO**!"

"Annhilus?"

"**NO**!"

"Blastar?"

"**I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THAT IS**."

"The Mailman for the Fantastic Four?"

"**YES**."

"Really?"

"**I WAS BEING SARCASTIC.**"

"The Gardener?"

"**WHO**?"

"How about Master Mold?"

"**NOPE**."

"The Kree Tuber-Mind?"

"**THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST**!"

"Ooo! You're Gramma Jean and the Phoenix Force!"

"**WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT**?"

"Oh," Harry said, a little dejected. "Then who the f&*k are you?"

"**I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULDN'T USE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE**."

"I thought it was appropriate," the young wizard countered. "So, near death? Chosen Champion? Waffle Knight? Hammer Film marathon competition?"

"**UH, WHAT?**"

"That's what I want to know!"

"**YES, RIGHT**," said the voice. "**HARRY POTTER! YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN!**"

"Dude, so not a Slayer," Harry said. "Not even a chick, unless something has changed recently that I didn't know about." He took a peek down his pants just to be sure. "Nope, still not a chick, but I have been hit by the puberty truck."

"**NOT THAT KIND OF CHOSEN**," said the voice in a pained tone.

"Well, what was I supposed to think? We're on a fanfiction site! it was a reasonable assumption," Harry said.

"**UH, NEVER MIND THAT**," the voice said dismissively. "**YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN. SOON, YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR GREATEST CHALLENGE. WE WILL BE WATCHING. AND REMEMBER, YOU NEED NOT FACE THIS CHALLENGE ALONE.**"

"Cool," Harry said. "Will there be cookies?"

"**ONLY IF YOU ASK NICELY**."

* * *

In the New Avenger's infirmary, Tony Stark looked up confused.

"Why is he asking about cookies?"

Spiderman shrugged. "I don't know. I didn't even know little former-mutant wizards in dinosaur form could talk. And how'd you get him in here in the first place?"

Tony Stark, Iron-Man, nodded to the ceiling. "Roof has unstable molecules and really good hydraulics."

"Nice to know," Spidey said.

"Told Cyke and Jean," Logan said as he walked in. "They wanted to come down, but idiot government Sentinels are 'protecting' the remaining mutants back at Chuck's and they aren't allowed to come pick him up."

"Thank you Wanda once again for making all our lives more sucky," Luke Cage grumbled. "Kid alright?"

"Still a dinosaur," Spidey said.

"Happen often?"

"Two out of three times we've met," replied the Amazing Spider-Man.

"Well how 'bout that," Luke mused.

"What's the problem with the Sentinels?" Tony asked, changing the topic.

"Other than they want to kill all mutants and occasionally all humans too, I don't know," Logan said as he pried the bottle cap off his beer with a claw. "From what I heard they were fighting giant mutant turtles."

…

…

"Riiiiiiight…." Spidey said with suspicious eyes. "So, how'd he fall out of the sky?"

"We don't know," Iron-Man said. "It must have been a spell or something."

Spidey looked to Logan. "Isn't it great when dealing with an exact science?"

Logan smirked. "At least you didn't have to corral him in the Savage Land."

Spidey winced. "The New York tour was quite enough."

"Why's the kid here?" Luke Cage asked. "Shouldn't we ship him back to you guys?"

"Needs to transform back first," Logan said before taking a swig of his beer.

It was about then that Harry woke up.

"I've got an idea!" he yelled before teleporting away still in Allosaurus form.

"I've got a _**baaaad**_ feeling about this," said every Avenger _ever_.

* * *

Harry showed back up in Diagon Alley.

"Wow," Harry said to all the screaming wizards and witches as they ran away from the dinosaur that appeared in their midst. "You guys all shrunk!"

They screamed louder and ran away. A large number of the people grabbed random objects and teleported away.

"Where's everybody go?" Harry asked in his dinosaur bellow. "I was going to make espresso!"

Eventually Harry did discover where most of them went. It happened to be the World Quidditch Cup with some country against some other country. Harry didn't really care. Quidditch was a stupid sport.

"That was a statement of fact, readers," Harry told you all. Harry nodded as if to emphasize the statement and then teleported to the match's location.

* * *

He happened to teleport directly into pitch. Annoyed by the sudden noisy creatures flying around his head, Harry bit the brush end of a broom, sending the rider flying off in an odd vector. He roared in victory. A random wizard cast a spell at his bum. It hurt quite a bit. Harry charged forward, smashing through the bleachers, sending spectators flying into piles and trampling each other to get away. Harry kept running.

Somewhere along the line he got some guy in a black robe and a mask stuck to the bottom of his foot. He always hated that. Ends up robe-mask guys are harder than bubblegum to remove from the soles of dinosaur feet. The lack of arms that reach didn't help either.

He roared in protest again, rampaging through the tent city in an attempt to remove the offending corpse from his foot. Soon enough, Harry had escaped into the forest, but the robe-mask guy was still stuck to his foot. At some point he found a friendly giant to peel it off for a quick snack. Harry nodded in thanks, and started running back towards civilization.

A whole team of aurors were waiting for him.

"What is it?" one of them asked.

"I think it's a mutant dragon," said one pureblooded wizard.

"DINOSAURS ARE NOT DRAGONS!" Harry bellowed, sending feted breath at the wizarding police. "PUNY HUMANS MAKE DINO MAD!"

And then Harry kicked their asses before running off once more.

Tonks, having seen the entire conflict, was more concerned about one particular thing.

"Where'd he get purple trousers that size?"

* * *

Harry transformed back into his human persona and took a nap on the steppes of Hogwarts (they were really steps, not steppes, but Harry wanted it to sound more dramatic).

"Oh, goody!" Dumbledore said as he found the sleeping youth. "Harry's back. I always knew you'd return!"

"Oh dear," bemoaned the Transmutation professor. And the previous year was so peaceful, too.

"Well, I'll be," said the groundskeeper and Care of Magical Creatures professor. "It's Harry Potter. Fine set of purple trousers there. Wish I could get a set my size."

"Did someone say that accursed boy's name?" asked a sneering Snape. The potions professor glanced down at the napping boy and sneered. "…And once again disappointment reigns."


	33. Chapter 33

**Harry's plan Part 1 of 879456423154687954632164**

**

* * *

**

"This year we will be hosting the Tri-Wizard Tournament," Dumbledore said, with Crouch at his side. "All three magical schools will be participating."

"Hey Jessica!" Harry asked. "What about Xavier's?"

"What about what?"

"The Xavier institute for Higher Learning and Gifted Youngesters, or whatever the Prof's calling it these days," Harry said. "They should play as well."

"Uh, Harry, it's traditional for-"

"I'll leave the school and go play in traffic if they aren't allowed to participate," Harry said. "I'm serious, suicide-boy here."

Albus "Jessica" Dumbledore wanted to bang his head against the wall.

"It's a magical tournament," he said as an explanation.

"Hey! We've got magical people," Harry protested. "There's me, there's Illyana Rasputin (depending on what age she is at the time and if she's alive right now, it's so hard to tell some times), there's that girl with the wings (I think she's Welsh, or Belsh or something, which one is right? If someone from Wales is Welsh, someone from Belgium should be Belsh, right? But she, Pixie, right that's her name, she's from Wales, so it's a moot point), there's the Scarlet Witch (depending on which side of the sanity line she's on that day) and there's me."

"You counted yourself twice," Hermione pointed out.

"Well, yeah," Harry said. "I'm a student there too."

"No, Harry, you're a student here," Dumbledore corrected as if he were talking to a very small child. The Ministry official looked embarrassed by the scene and rather impatient. Percy Weasley looked like he was about to comment that it WAS included, but shut up at a dark look thrown his way by ole Bartimus Crouch Sr.

"And depending on what writer you want to favor my Dad's got a magic origin," Harry continued. "Kurt's a semi-magical being depending on which writer is at the helm and an awesome guy. And he's blue, which makes him more awesome 'cuz blue is cool. There's Jubilee, she doesn't have magical powers, but she's frikken hot. Just so you know and you all really should, since she's pretty much a goddess walking around in a yellow raincoat, and those glasses? Wow! but I digress. And there's Juggernaut, he's mystically powered and sometimes a hero, and I'm real sorry for almost paralyzing him last summer, since I really thought he was a bad guy again. And-"

"Harry, Xavier's isn't a school for magic, it's a school for mutants," Dumbledore corrected. There was a gasp from more than a few of the muggle born/raised students. Harry ignored their scandalized faces and snorted derisively at Jessica Dumbledore's statement. This time Bartimus Crouch Sr. was about to comment, but was cut off by a certain brunette witch.

"Harry! You're a mutant?" Hermione asked.

"Yep, I can talk to snakes," Harry said, not noticing the other gasp from the non-muggle students. "It's more useful than you think. Great for asking directions when you're stuck in Antarctica running from dinosaurs."

Hermione made an incredible impression of a fish opening and closing her mouth in silence as she tried to process his words. The others were stunned for completely different reasons.

"You're a Parsletongue?" interrogated Ron in a voice that echoed throughout the suddenly still room.

"What's that?"

"It's a wizard who can talk to snakes," Draco explained from the next table. "They are generally considered to be a sign of a dark wizard."

"Huh, I guess it's good that mine's a mutant power," Harry mused. Several of the professors started inflicting pain upon themselves. Snape, McGonagall and Fitch turned their gazes at the young wizard and stood up in unison.

"FOR THE LAST TIME! YOU'RE NOT A MUTANT!"

"Well not anymore…" Harry said as if he were talking to very young and very retarded children. "M Day took care of that." He looked up at the readers. "Please let me keep my self delusion for just a little while longer, please?"

* * *

Some time later, the debate was brought back up in Jessica's office.

"No, we will not be allowing Xavier's to take part," Dumbledore said.

"Do it or I'll take all my money out of the Wizarding world," Harry said.

"What kind of threat is that?" the Headmaster jerk asked in an overly superior tone.

"Go ask the goblins," Harry commanded with an evil grin.

* * *

One Gringott's conversation later…

"Xavier's Institute for Higher Learning will be taking part in the Tri-Wizard tournament," Dumbledore announced, suddenly very worried about what the goblins had revealed. Beside him, Minister Fudge was about as pale as a glacier and his blood ran twice as cold.

There was a dramatic instance as the Weasley Twins gave themselves aging potions and got really long beards as a result. Harry just walked right up and threw his in.

"Harry!" Ron and Hermione practically screamed in surprise.

"How'd you manage that?" the girl asked.

"Humph," Harry said haughtily in his best Admiral Akbar, and pointed a thumb at his chest. "Those shields can't repel power of this magnitude!"

Hermione rolled her eyes, but Ron just stared blankly.

"I don't get it," he said quietly. The more educated students (primarily those who knew what a television was or how to use a telephone), just shook their heads sadly. It might have been a bad joke, but at least they got it.

* * *

"I've got a great idea," Harry said to Minister Fudge. The portly older man (who looked distinctly like a veterinarian from** All Creatures Great and Small **who wasn't James Herriot) smiled and pretended to listen indulgently. "Well, since not everybody can visit the events, maybe we could bring the events to them?"

"Oh?" Fudge asked. "And how would you do that?"

Harry went into a long, in depth discussion of the magical properties of the enchanted box that showed people moving from far away. Basically, he described how a television worked. They weren't really enchanted and most of them didn't really work, but one of Harry's schemes hadn't panned out. So he found himself stuck with about 14 thousand TVs from the 1950s, most of which were used to watch Queen Bet 2 get her crown. It only made sense to force the ignorant dumbasses to buy the things and make him richer and the Wizarding World poorer.

Fudge however, was amazed at the idea, not realizing Muggles came up with it sixty years or more prior. "Why, how would you arrange such a thing?"

"Well," Harry said. "I devised these magical wires that send the magical video to the magic box."

"What would you call these wondrous inventions?" Fudge asked, now honestly enthused.

"I thought of picture box, but I think I'm going to go with 'Television', but we could call it a telly for short," Harry said.

"I like it!" Fudge, this way he could watch his Quidditch games without having to use that blasted sock portkey. And getting the sore neck seats right in the front. "But how would you get people to buy these things?"

"Oh, easy, I'd just charge admission to the games," Harry said.

"Bloody hell! Why didn't I think of that?"

"Because you're a self-important, self-indulgent, semi-incompetent, pure-blood obsessed, money blinded, overly politicized, overly officious ignoramus," Harry said simply and honestly. Harry jumped at the man's insulted look. "Oh, wait, this is one of those times that Gramma Jean tells me to lie and say every thing's alright."

He reached up and patted the Minister on the head like one would treat a child. "It's okay, Corny," Harry said, having decided Corny would be the diminutive of Cornelius. "Everything's gonna go away and be perfectly fine."

When that didn't mollify the politician, Harry waved a galleon in front of his face. "You're getting sleepy, everything is going to be alright."

"Everything is going to be alright," intoned the hypnotized Minister.

"You're going to deposit all your money in my account," Harry said.

"I'm going to deposit all my money in your account," the Minister intoned. Harry grinned and stopped waving the corn.

"Great!" Harry said. "I'll put that in my 401K!"

Looking on, Hermione Granger started beating her head into the wall.

* * *

"My fellow Wizarians," Harry said in his best JFK accent. "We find our selfs in a time of change as we rebuild from the past and look to the future." Harry gestured to the television beside him. "This is the future."

Harry waved his magic wand (the stick, not the euphemism) at the TV and changed the channel. "Behold, the Television! Ever want to take time off to see those matches you miss while at work or somewhere else? Ever want to hear the day's news live and not rely on the slow pace of owls? Buy a Television! It will bring you kicking and screaming into the 20th Century."

Hermione scowled at the enterprising young boy. "It's already the 21st Century."

"Yeah, but I figure the best I'll do is get them to the 1970s before I die of old age," Harry said. "But I have it on good authority that polyester jumpsuits are the best thing ever."

They sold like hot cakes, especially since Fudge suggested the 50 galleon-per-person price tag per day of the event. Soon enough, Harry was almost in need of getting more.

Today was a good day to sell!


	34. Chapter 34

**House of Cards Stacked Too High**

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* * *

**

"At last we will announce the results of the Goblet of Fire!" Dumbledore said to thunderous applause.

"Representing Durmstrang is….Viktor Krum!" Staffs pounded on the floor in salute as the Quidditch player ran up to take his place.

"Representing Beauxbatons is….Fleur Delacour!" Wolfwhistles and groans abounded as she took to the stage. Those whistles and groans were pretty much divided along the sexual preference line.

"Representing Hogwarts is …..Cedric Diggory!" Pretty much everyone cheer except the Slytherins, because they were sticks in the mud and a few other would-be contestants. The Hufflepuffs sent up a great "Forward the Revolution!" cheer in Latin, but since no one really knows correct Latin in the Wizarding world, no one but the Hufflepuffs and some of the visitors from Xavier's really understood.

"Representing the New Mutants is…Illyana Rasputin!" Since there were two basic classes at the School for the Gifted, they were allowed to enter two contestants. Since Illyana had never graduated before she died that last time, she was still technically a student of the previous incarnation of Xavier's Institute for Higher Learning. Illyana walked purposefully to the podium. People clapped politely because she really scared the dickens out of pretty much everybody except for Harry. She carried a glowing pink broadsword in public. You just don't piss those people off.

"Representing Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters is…Megan Gwyn!" Pixie waved cutely and flew to the stage before blowing a kiss at Harry and glaring at Magik. Loosing part of one's soul can do that to a person. There were still quite a few polite cheers.

"And there you have it-" Dumbledore cut himself off as another name flew out of the Goblet of Fire. He pulled it up and read the name. "Who the hell is Arthur Bea Wilson?"

Everyone in the know moaned pitifully, except for Pixie and Harry; she giggled and he pulled on his mask. But before he could even take the podium, another name popped out.

"Harry Potter?" Dumbledore asked with a confused glance at the giant enflamed goblet. "Is this thing broken?"

_"Awesome! I'll have to get cloned so I can do this twice!"_

It was later decided that Harry would _not _be cloned as that would be a **bad**thing.

* * *

"So, the name was planted successfully?" the elder Malfoy asked.

"Indeed, My Lord," Bartimous Crouch Jr. said with reverence to his lord, the squirmy aborted baby thingy on Malfoy's knee.

"You have done well," croaked out Voldemort. "Soon I will be restored and we shall take our rightful place in society."

"By your command," Crouch said, giving him a salute. He turned and teleported away. Malfoy looked down at his master with a confused look.

"Is it just me or did Crouch's eyes flash side to side?"

"Don't be foolish!" his master spat.

* * *

"Mr. Black," said a familiar voice from behind him. Sirius, the last scion of the mighty wizarding family, turned to see a fully decked out Nick Fury.

"Yes sir?"

"It's time for you to deploy," Fury said. "You've completed your training. Here's your image inducer and communications."

"What's my cover?"

"It's all in this folder," Fury said, handing the man a thick mania folder with TOP SECRET stamped across the front. "Good luck. You're gonna need it."

And then the super-secret agent walked off into the shadows.

Sirius Black opened the folder and grinned.

* * *

"Hark! 'Tis with mightily valor that Young Sir Neville did complete his training," Sif told Odin proudly.

"And his Quest for the Dwarven Draught?"

"Most Heartily completed, Lord All Father," Brunnhilde intoned. The one eyed god nodded in satisfaction.

"Rise," He said, towering above the former Hogwarts student. Anyone who knew Neville from before would hardly recognize the strapping youth that stood before them now. Gone was the stutter, the baby fat and the lack of confidence. Now, with long black hair worn in the Nordic style and rippling muscles, he looked more like Conan (the Barbarian, not the Comedian) than a normal wizarding 4th year student. "See now before you, 'tis not the man child we did once see, but now, behold, Neville: Warrior, Wizard, and Hero."

"Thank you, Lord Odin," he said in reverence.

"Go now, take thy sword gifted upon you by Heimdal and return," the All Father said. "Midgard doth need one such as you."

"I shall live my life with Valor as required of me," Neville replied with a kneeling salute.

"I hath no doubts that you shall," Odin said with pride. "Go, We shall speak again once thou doth join the ranks of Valhalla."

As the Asgardians cheered the newly forged Hero, Brunnhilde, the Valkyrie of Valkyries, grabbed him and bent him backwards before planting a massive kiss on his lips. The cheering rose to such a cacophony that the walls of the Asir threatened to fall from the vibrations. Neville stumbled slightly after finishing the kiss and made his way back down Bifrost and into Midgard proper.

* * *

Next time: There will be dragons!


	35. Chapter 35

**126341 to 1**

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* * *

**

"And now master wand maker Mr. Ollivander, owner and scion of the family business that has been producing fine wands since 382 BC, will now inspect the contestant's wands," Cornelius Fudge announced, giving a heavy pitch to the business for the television. He smiled, knowing that about 70% of all wizarding households now had a television and were watching closely. What he didn't know is that the camera made him look pasty and rotund. They say the camera puts on ten pounds, so Fudge must have had about twenty on him.

Ollivander was impressed by the wands of Fleur, Krum and Cedric. He then turned to the blonde Russian and held out his hand. "Your wand please miss?"

Illyana raised an eyebrow at him. "I am Illyana Rasputin, Magik, Mistress and Sorceress Supreme of Limbo. I do not have anything so parochial as a 'wand.'"

"All contestants must have a tool to focus their power!" insisted the wandmaker. The mutant hefted her soulsword and stabbed the stone at her feet, letting the blade glow with power.

"I can assure you, the might of my soulsword is quite sufficient," she said. Ollivander, visibly disturbed, nodded once in acquiescence and turned to the pink and black haired Pixie.

"You're wand please?"

"I've got a dagger," she said, waving the cute little pink blade around. She bounced as she did so, somehow still appearing perky while wielding a glowing stabby object.

"Oh, uh, very well," he said. "Harry Potter, yes, 11 inches long, made of holly, with a phoenix feather as its core. And of course, no need to check Arthur Bea Wilson's wand."

Harry angrily pulled on his mask and Arthur Bea Wilson stomped his foot. _"What? Am I not good enough? Just because I'm the son of the greatest assassin and mercenary the world has ever known, you won't give me the time of day? I'm just as much a contestant as anyone else here!"_

"I'M NOT CHECKING YOUR WAND BECAUSE YOU'RE REALLY HARRY POTTER WITH A GOD DAMN MASK!"

_"Who's Harry Potter?" _Arthur Bea Wilson asked.

And that was when the Wizarding World discovered facefaulting.

"Fine! I'll check your wand," the old man hissed. Arthur handed him a nasty looking device. "What the bloody hell is this?"

_"Smith and Wesson, eighteen inches, carbon steel with a silver buckshot core,"_ Arthur explained. _"It's a special order and can switch from single shot to fully auto with a flip of a switch."_

"This isn't a wand! It's an arquebus!"

_"Oh, come on!"_ Arthur whined. _"It's a gun. Just call it a gun; specifically a shotgun, but just a gun."_

"Why can't you just use your wands? You bought three from me!"

_"No I didn't."_

"Yes you did."

_"No I didn't."_

"Yes you did."

_"No I didn't."_

"Yes you did!"

_"No I didn't!"_

"Yes you did!"

"Now look, this isn't an argument," Dumbledore cut in.

_"Of course it's not,"_ Arthur said. _"An argument is a series of statements designed to support a proposition. This is just simple contradiction."_

"Well if I'm going to argue with you, I have to take a contradictory side," pointed out Ollivander.

_"Yes, but it isn't just saying _'**yes you did**,'_"_ Arthur Bea Wilson responded derisively.

**…**

**…**

**…**

"Yes it is."

_"No it isn't!"_

* * *

The first part was obviously dragons. It was abundantly obvious to pretty much everyone when they started moving dragon cages onto Hogwarts grounds. Or they were setting up a draconic all-you-can-eat-buffet.

"That's highly unlikely," Pixie said.

Was that spoken out loud?

"Yup," said the girl.

Oh.

"Inner monolog problems again?" she asked. "I don't really know what that is, but you seem to have those problems a lot."

How right she was.

"Of course I'm right!"

Right, so anyways: dragons.

Yeah, they rounded up the whole bunch and caged them up.

Some guy with a googly eye told Harry to check them out, but hey, Harry wasn't one to obey authority figures, so Harry decided to try and get the girl's chorus to do jumping jacks. He was starting to get past the dinosaur phase.

"That was pretty mean," Pixie said derisively. "They didn't even know what you were making them do."

And for some reason Pixie's disapproval was starting to matter to Harry in ways he didn't fully understand. It was probably part of that stupid puberty truck accident. And he must have said that out loud because suddenly the pink haired girl was grinning wildly.

* * *

So, the next day happened.

Oh, right, I should probably tell you what happened.

Dragons, so all the contestants needed to decide on their dragons. First was Fleur, then was Krum, then Cedric and then the first exciting match began.

Illyana Rasputin verses the Catalonian Fireball.

"Bah," spat the Russian mutant. She glared at it like it was a minor nuisance, much like ants in the garden or a mouse in the barn. The dragon flew up, the wings beating down the air like the engines of a supersonic jet. Spectators covered their heads and ducked away from the resulting dust cloud, but Magik ignored them all. "Fool, for one such as I, who has survived the pits of Limbo, died of virus, and returned to live and conquer my realm once more, this is but a minor distraction."

And with that, she drew her sword in a slow deliberate motion, casually deflecting the blast of firebreath sent her way. She conjured up her teleportation disk and appeared above the furious beast. Landing on its back, she cut off its head.

It landed in a heap less than a meter from the spectators, splattering them with blood and gore.

Harry looked at Pixie and grinned. "I give it a 10."

The real judges were less impressed because she wasn't supposed to kill the dragon.

* * *

Harry was up next. Everyone thought he was rather unfortunate to have pulled a Hungarian Horntail, but Harry Potter wasn't worried. Nor was he even remotely concerned. This made most people think he was certifiably insane, which, as we all know, is probably true.

Harry walked out into the sunlight, to the sound of the cheering crowds and waved at them all. He made sure the cameraman got his good side, which, in Harry's mind, was every side.

* * *

It should be noted that that the Wizard Tournament (as the Ministry had decided to call it, instead of trying to find a sane name for a competition that had 7 contestants) was shown in all the Wizarding households who had purchased one of the "magic boxes" and had it connected to the "magic cable." What they didn't know is that it was just a regular TV with cable and they were all being hit for a big fine each month for power and a whole bunch of channels they didn't know they were paying for, even if it was just basic cable. They also didn't know was that the Wizard Tournament was actually being broadcast by ESPN on basic cable and was bringing in the biggest audience since they started broadcasting. It was also on Pay-per-view on satellite. The Wizarding World was currently and constantly exposed to the whole world, and they didn't even know it.

It was also gathering a rather large number of fans. In particular a number of powerful figures were keeping a close eye on things. One specific Latverian dictator called up his aquatic friend to place a little bet.

"DOOM puts five million on the pink haired girl," Dr. Doom said into the phone.

"Ignorant surface fool!" Namor bellowed into the other end. "It is perfectly clear that Rasputin will prevail! The odds are 126341 to 1 against Gwynn!"

"NEVER QUOTE DOOM THE ODDS!"


	36. Chapter 36

**Time Travel Awesomeness**

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Back in Hogwarts, Harry faced the Hungarian Horntail. The crowd was hushed as the menacing beast raised its head to spy the short boy. It swooped up and looked like it was about scarf him up in one bite. Harry, however, was not unprepared. Tossing out a red and white ball in front of him, he called out in a voice so sonorous that all present could hear him with perfect clarity.

"Go Esmeralda! I choose you!"

A second later a gigantic serpent jumped out of the tiny ball and stared the Hungarian Horntail down. Unfortunately for the horntail, it fell to the ground in a petrified heap.

Harry tossed out a second ball which sucked the dragon inside, seemingly impossible even for wizards to comprehend. Even more alarming was the voice that echoed throughout the stadium. For those who had met him, it sounded suspiciously like Captain America.

**"You have caught a Hungarian Horntail!**

**"Would you like to give the Hungarian Horntail a name?"**

And that was when Hermione Granger tried to pound a hole in a tree with her head. In the front row, Harry's "Grandparents" had a similar reaction. Jean, for her part, was seriously considering mind wiping everyone present of the embarrassing moment.

Harry, having been victorious, marched off the field, holding high the poke ball and flashing a Nixon style V.

* * *

"Who's next?" Jennifer Walters asked as she looked at the program with Susan Storm (who had just come back from buying popcorn, another item Harry had introduced to the Wizarding World).

"Megan Gwynn," Carol Danvers said. "She's one of the New X-Men, I think."

"Yep, met her before, cute kid" Sue said. She looked up to see a familiar sleeping form. "Wait a minute isn't that…?"

"Uh-huh," nodded She-Hulk mutely. "They're sending her up against-"

"WHO DARES DISTURB THE SLUMBER OF FIN FANG FOOM?"

"Me!" said a perky Welsh girl. Pixie looked up at the massive form of the dragon-that-was-really-an-alien and grinned. "Do you always refer to yourself in the third person?"

For those who don't know, Fin Fang Foom was about sixty feet long, green and scaly with the appearance of a Chinese dragon of mythology, however, he was really a psychotic alien-chef. He was also a bit arrogant and perturbed.

"YOU DARE CHALLENGE THE AWESOME MIGHT OF FIN FANG- I MEAN, ME?"

"Pretty much," she replied with a giggle. She was about to say something when the alien that looked like a dragon glanced at the sun.

"WAIT, WHAT TIME IS IT?"

"About half past three," she replied.

"NOOOOOOOO! I MISSED THE DINNER RUSH! FIN FANG FOOM'S BOSS IS GOING TO KILL FIN FANG FOOM!" The alien-dragon said, going back to more familiar forms of speech. And with that he flew back to New York to try and save his job. No, this is not a joke. Well, it is, but this is actually 616 cannon. Fin Fang Foom works as a cook in a restaurant in the Baxter Building. No, I am not making this up.

Pretty much everybody just stared, except for Sue and Pixie. Jennifer Walters and Carol Danvers looked to the Invisible-Woman for an explanation. Sue just shrugged. "I could have given him a ride if he'd asked."

"He doesn't know we're on British time, does he?" Jen said with a smirk.

Pixie, for her part, threw her hands up in the air and cheered. "Woot! I won!" With X-Men new and old cheering her on, she marched off the field, magic golden egg under one arm, and right into the winner's tent. And that was how Pixie got into first place.

* * *

"BAH! YOU SEE, MONARCH OF ATLANTIS? YOU SEE? TEACH YOU TO BET AGAINST DOOM'S CHOICE!" Dr. Doom taunted.

Namor, for his part, was not amused.

Magneto just ignored them both and counted his winnings. He had wanted to bet on his former student, but had decided to bet on the sure thing. It was pretty clear that Pixie was going to be the underdog, and Magik had a few…issues to work out before she'd be able to show any remote sign of restraint. And he could never favor anyone other than a mutant, right?

* * *

Harry pulled on his mask, changed into his costume and marched back out only to find a short, squat, purple dragon smoking a stogie while lounging on the golden egg. The dragon took a look at Arthur, glanced down at the egg and then blew an indignant smoke ring in the contestant's general direction. All ambition and thoughts of winning vanished from Arthur's mind…Such as it was.

_"Awe crap!" _he said, his voice full of the despair he felt inside. _"Why did everybody else get the easy ones?"_

The senior X-Men and various other superheroes winced in sympathy, but pretty much everybody else just gawked at the absurdity of the statement. How could something so small be a threat?

**"Kick his ass, Lockheed!"** Kitty Pryde called out, recieving a thumbs up from her draconic friend.

And that was when Lockheed totally kicked Arthur Bea Wilson's ass, humbling even the most obstinate and disbelieving wizard or witch.

Needless to say, Arthur came in last place.

* * *

"How can this next event possibly work? We have one person participating twice!" The Durmstrang headmaster demanded in regards to the second task. "How can such a thing even be possible?"

"Might I remind you that it is a magically binding contract?" Fudge said. "Both have to participate or their magic will fight against them, him, whatever."

And no one wanted to know what Harry would do if he lost his magic. Except for maybe the Weasley Twins, but they were more concerned with the blonde triplets that were observing the matches. The clothing they wore was, _ahem!_ interesting.

"I've got an idea that might just work," Dumbledore said with a smile.

* * *

"Harry, we've got a solution," Fudge said with a grin. He was making money hand over fist since the boy had come up with the brilliant idea of selling tickets to parents. And that 90% that went into his own coffers was just a managerial fee. At least that was his story and he was sticking to it.

"So you're gonna clone me?"

"Not as such, no," Dumbledore said. "This is a time turner, it will allow you to be in two places at once by sending you back in time. Once you get back, we'll Obliviate your memories of the Task, allowing you to complete it twice without giving you an unfair advantage."

"Awesome," Harry said, sharing a fist jab with Pixie. "How does it work?"

"You just put it around your neck and spin the talisman," Dumbledore said. "One spin is equal to one hour's time."

"Righteous dude," Harry said in a decidedly 90s stoner/surfer voice. He promptly hung it about his head and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun 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and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun 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and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun 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and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun 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and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spunspun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun and spun andspun until he found himself in a very different Hogwarts. That is to say, it looked exactly alike, but was decidedly less awesome.

He looked around and realized there were a whole bunch of people staring at him.

"What year is it?" He asked a pretty girl who looked about his age.

"1942, why?" she replied. He could tell by her scarf that she was a Gryffindor, but it wasn't like he really cared. He was all with the not caring.

"Crap!" Harry said, striking a dramatic pose. "I need help!"

He grabbed a random professor and said "I need help Doc! I need to get back!"

"Who the bloody blazes are you?"

"Doc! I need to get back! Back to the Future!"

"Are you a student here?"

Harry ignored him as he realized something. "Wait! This is right in the middle of the Second World War! Awesome, I'm gonna go team up with the Invaders and kick Nazi ass!"

And with that, he ran away.

Minerva McGonagall looked after him with complete confusion. "I'll be honest. That was so strange I hope I never meet him again."

Years later she would later be disappointed.

* * *

"Okay, I'm back," Harry said, appearing behind Dumbledore, causing the Headmaster to shriek with surprise. Harry reached out and stopped himself from spinning the time spinner.

"Don't do that, it's all taken care of."

"Okay cool. Nice trip?"

"Killed Nazis."

"Awesome."

"This is so much cooler than talking to my own Thought Box."

"Well, almost as cool."

"Yeah," Harry said to Harry. "You should probably put your mask on now, I've got to go get ready."

"Same plan?"

"Oh, better."

"Even the one with the swim trunks and the enlarging spell?"

"Much better and without the implied overcompensation."

"Good!"

The adults looked at the exchange with absolute horror.

"You fool! By preventing yourself from going back in time you may have just prevented your existence from existing and there for not stopped yourself from going!"

Both Harrys looked up at the silly Headmaster and shook their head sadly.

"_Honestly_, basic comic book temporal physics," one Harry said.

"Please. Time travel creates new universes, and issues of What if? not _paradoxes_," the other Harry continued. He looked at his temporal clone. "Honestly, you'd think they don't have a brain cell to share between them."

"I _know_!"

* * *

The next task involved water and mermaids, or at least merpeople, and Harry hadn't annoyed them, so he figured he'd be on good terms. Just to be sure he had dressed for the part. He wore obviously fake elf ears, an excessive amount of gel in his hair to pull it back, had ducktaped little wings to his ankles and had pulled on a pair of Speedos made of green sequins with a gold colored elastic band.

Harry pointed to the sky and screamed just before he dove in the water.

"**TYRANNOSAURUS REX!**"

Scott and Jean looked on in horror as Harry parodied Namor, the Submariner. Susan Storm-Richards just laughed her ass off. The Wizarding World was pretty much clueless. Scott glanced at the cameras that were sending the live feed all over the world. The leader of the X-Men covered his face in his hands and muttered: "It's '_Imperius Rex_,' not '_Tyrannosaurus Rex_.' Namor is going to kill us all."

Contrary to popular belief, the Monarch of Atlantis DOES have a sense of humor and thought it was hilarious.


	37. Chapter 37

**The Who? No, they're not playing tonight!**

* * *

"Maze, maze, maze-

"_Maze, MAZE, maze-_

"Maze, maze, maze-

"_Maze, MAZE, maze-_

"Maze, maze, maze-

"MAZE, wonderful maze," Harry and Arthur sang at the top of their lungs. They didn't really care about the tune or any complex lyric, but was on the nurse's rotation as Poppy had declared that they were to have 24 hour surveillance. She clearly thought they were going through a mental breakdown due to stress. Unfortunately, she was thirteen years too late to save their sanity.

There were also twelve meter tall chickens, but that's a story for another time.

"_Maze, maze, maze-_

"Maze, MAZE, maze-

"_Maze, maze, maze-_

"Maze, MAZE, maze-

"_Maze, maze, maze-_

"_MAZE_, wonderful _maze."_

"What are they singing?" Jean asked. "I'm not sure I want to know what's going on in their head."

"That's probably a wise decision," Professor McGonagall said sagely. "I don't know how you manage. How _did_ you end up having Harry as a grandson at your age?"

**…**

**…**

**…**

"Time travel?" Jean asked after a long pause. "But he's adopted, so that doesn't really matter."

"Fair enough," the professor replied. "It seems they have discovered the next fight. Ironic that they would have already figured out the next puzzle. Or they're singing about corn. I'm not sure which."

"You're probably better off not knowing," Emma Frost said as she approached them. She was wearing her usual outfit, which, of course, was less than what even the most risqué witch wore to bed. Needless to say, she was drawing a vast amount of attention. "Jean, have you seen the Cuckoos? They haven't responded for hours and have constantly rebuffed my mental communiqués."

"Not recently."

"Wonderful," Emma said in a tone that clearly conveyed her sarcasm.

"You never know, they could be out torturing some budding telepath into thinking she's a Victorian woman," Jean said with a false smile. "They do take after _you, _after all."

Emma just scowled and spun on her heels, her cloak billowing out behind her with an indignant snap.

"Amazing," McGonagall said. "I think I just found a female Snape."

"You know Minerva," Jean said, handing the older woman a fresh gin-and-tonic, "This might be the start of a wonderful friendship."

"You might be right."

* * *

Susan Storm-Richards, better known to the world as the Invisible Woman, was chatting with her former teammate, Jennifer Walters, also better known to the world as the Savage She-Hulk, or at least she was when her comic wasn't being canceled. "So how did you get invited to this thing?"

"I'm Harry's lawyer," Jenn said with a shrug. "Jean and Scott thought it was best to have me here just in case I was needed. So far nothing's really been a problem except for Harry's trademark infringement on Namor's look. Luckily for us, Namor thought it was funny and waved all charges since Harry saved his subjects from incarceration."

"I'm still wondering why Namor hasn't stomped the place into the ground," Sue admitted. "He gets pissy if someone drops a cup in the ocean by accident. By past history he should be on the warpath."

"He said something about Harry asking him to hold off. " Jenn answered. Sue looked at her goggle eyed. The Savage Lawyer-Hulk just shrugged helplessly. "There's something more going on, but I couldn't get anything out of either of them."

"Deadpool's son has made friends with the monarch of Atlantis?" Kang asked, having been mingling in the crowd, though mostly he just stood off to the side and watched. Alarmed at the sudden appearance of the super-villain, the man held up his hand, forestalling conflict.

"I'm just here to watch," Kang said as he took a sip of his fire-whiskey. "Besides, it's not like there's anything here worth conquering. They just got the TV. What's the point?"

Both super-heroines had to agree. Kang wandered off, chatting up some ministry official and left them behind. Before conversation could turn to other topics, Emma Frost interrupted them.

"Have either of you seen the Stepford Cuckoos?"

"The who?" Sue asked. "They aren't playing tonight."

"No, the Cuckoos," Emma corrected. She sighed, "I guess-"

"Guess Who? No, they aren't playing either."

Emma flashed a look of annoyance before spinning on her heels and stomping away, well, as close to stomping as one could get in five inch heels.

"You really like annoying here, don't you?" Jenn asked Sue. Sue smiled.

"I do find a small bit of sadistic pleasure in knocking her down a notch," the Invisible Woman agreed. "Goodness knows she needs it."

* * *

"Scot," Emma said, having wandered along to the other side of the ballroom. Hogwarts staff had arranged for a special ball to take place. Unlike other versions, this was slightly different, allowing for contestants, a date, their parents, staff from all schools involved and a few political figures who were visiting. Much to several people's chagrin, Emma Frost was still a member of the Xavier's staff.

"What's the problem Emma?"

"Have you seen the Cuckoos?" She asked. "You're wife said they hadn't been here for some time."

"Nope, sorry," he replied. "I think they left when all the other students had to go."

"Who knows what trouble they could have gotten into," she muttered.

* * *

Deep in the Room of Requirement, the Stepford Cuckoos rolled their eyes and sighed, having caught the stray mental thought.

"**Silly Miss Frost,"** they said in unison. "**Trouble got into **_**us**_**."**

"You know Fred?" George asked, leaning back in the gigantic bed sized for five.

"What's that George?"

"This might be the most wonderful day of our lives."

"_**Might?"**_ asked all three Cuckoos with a dangerous tone.

"IS! IS!" the Weasley twins yelled in sudden panic.

"**Much better."**

* * *

Back in the Ballroom, Harry and Arthur had been sitting by the punch bowl, waiting to spike it with pollyjuice potion. He wanted to know what would happen when people took on forms of Wolverine, Storm, Captain America and Gwen Stacy all at the same time. He thought it would be fun, even if he didn't know who the hell Gwen Stacy was. He'd only found the hair the last time he was robbing Norman Osborn with his dad. Why Norman Osborn had some of her hair, Harry didn't want to know, cuz, well, Norman Osborn's a few goblins short of a Gringott's, if you get the meaning.

"Harry," an annoyed voice said off to the side. He turned, only to have his eyes bug out at the sight they beheld. Megan Gwynn, Pixie, was wearing a dress that covered everything from the neck down, but left nothing to the imagination. "Aren't you going to ask me to dance?"

"merphmaarglefargle," he replied, his brain actually preventing his mouth from functioning for once.

"I'll take that as a yes," she said with a smile. The winged girl grabbed him by the arm and dragged him onto the dance floor.

Jean and Scott looked on with bemused smiles. "I thought she'd never do it," Scott said.

"I know," Jean agreed. "It's about time."

* * *

Hours later, as everyone was preparing to leave, Emma Frost, confused and annoyed took the podium and practically yelled to catch everyone's attention.

"Has anybody seen the Stepford Cuckoos?"

"The who?" asked Minister Fudge.

"ARGH!" growled the White Queen in frustration.


	38. THE END

**The End**

* * *

The final event was about to take place. A maze, built by magic and such was created on the grounds. And people were already not quite happy about what was about to happen.

"What do you mean he's-" Dumbledore was protesting against the inclusion of the second Harry for the event, still upset that the temporal clone didn't seem to be going away any time soon. He was cut off by the arrival of a few unfamiliar faces.

In particular there was one face that appeared more striking than the rest. That was probably because Uatu the Watcher had a head that looked about three sizes too big. He towered over the proceedings ominously.

"What is that?" asked pretty much every member of the Wizarding community asked in perfect unison. Then they all turned to look at Harry, because he was usually to blame for the unusual happening.

"That's Uatu," Harry explained. "He shows up to watch moments of Earthly importance. He's a pretty big deal. The first time he showed up because Galactus was trying to eat the world like an apple."

A certain amount of awe fell over the crowd at those words, a grudging respect for the guy with the giant head and a voyeurism streak. Uatu ignored them all as he started eating his popcorn (extra butter). It was only then that he held a giant foam hand with "Illyana Rules" painted on the side.

* * *

"Must stop you," muttered Krum under the imperious curse. Illyana just walked up, hit him with the flat of the SoulSword, breaking the enchantment. The poor boy just stood up. "Oh, thanks. No one's supposed to be able to do that."

"Silly boy," Magick said with a slight edge of superiority. "Just because others don't do it, doesn't mean it can't be done. Now who put the spell on you?"

"I'll take you to him," Krum said with renewed ambition. He glanced back to look at the Russian girl. "It is so good to see someone from Mother Russia."

"I haven't been from Mother Russia in a very long time," Illyana commented. They rounded a corner and spotted the culprit. She recognized the face and smiles wryly. "Of course, I should have known it was _you_."

* * *

Everyone started off into the maze from different directions in an attempt at allowing people to have a more fair chance. Contestants were delayed depending on their score from the other events. Soon enough, everyone was deep within the labyrinth.

Pixie found Arthur Bea Wilson leaning up against a hedge with a relaxed look on his face.

"_Is this the real life?"_ asked Arthur. Harry jumped out from a corner and started singing.

"Or is this just fantasy?" he crooned. Pixie grinned and started singing as well.

"Caught in a landslide, while we escape from reality," she continued, her alto voice adding a new tone to their song. Unfortunately, you shouldn't say such things in a magical labyrinth because a moment later, they were caught in a landslide while they escaped from reality.

Arthur, on the outskirts, managed to avoid the rubble and sadly continued on. He continued on, unmolested until he found Cedric Diggory standing in a clearing.

"You know," Cedric said. "Since the two of us are here, shouldn't the Revolution win instead of an individual?"

"_Makes sense to me,"_ Arthur replied. "_And the two of them grabbed the chalice together. Only to be transported away to another locale."_

"Why'd you say that?" Cedric asked a moment before he realized that Arthur was right.

"_Don't tell my Dad, but I read up to book five,"_ the masked wizard superhero admitted. He glanced over the Hufflepuff's shoulder and set his teeth grimly. "_Guess it's a good thing I published 'Cedric Diggory #1.'"_

"Why'd you publish a book about me?"

"Aveda Kedavra!" Said a voice a moment before Cedric Diggory fell to the ground.

"_That's why,"_ Arthur said to his corpse. "_And the readers thought this would end on a funny note."_

* * *

**THE END**


	39. Chapter 39

**Old Men Made of Foam Don't Belong in Graveyards**

* * *

_Deadpool's Note:_ **Well, that's all kids. Fic's over. No more. Wait. That can't be the end. I KNOW the author's got more written, so this can't possibly be the end. Send chimichangas, pancakes, even waffles! Just don't let this be canceled!**

**Wait, what do you mean this can't be canceled? My books kept getting canceled. Oh, there's no money to be made from this. I guess I can understand that.**

**Maybe I should show up in this some time soon. I AM a parental figure after all. I would be a good idea.**

"Um, Mr. Deadpool?"

**"Yeah Bob?"**

"Who are you talking to?"

**"The readers, it helps me keep my mind off how easy it is to kill HYDRA agents."**

"I'll be quiet now."

* * *

Arthur Bea Wilson was ensorcelled into submission with a tree binding his arms. "_Uh, guys, Mort Snackers? You might want to hold off on the binding spells, this is supposed to be Teen rated. If this was an MAX title, I'd have killed you already, gotten a commendation from the Punisher, and viewed some biological distractions of the XX chromosome. Chromosomes rule, by the way."_

"Cease your prattle!" commanded the shade of Voldemort. Arthur raised an eyebrow.

"_Hey, I'm not the one that enforces the ratings on these things! You're just lucky we're not under the Comics code anymore!"_

"Does anyone at all know what he's talking about?" asked one of the assembled Deatheaters.

"I haven't the slightest," replied his/her neighbor.

**_"Bone of the father, unknowingly given, you will renew your son. Flesh of the servant, willingly given, you will revive your master. Blood of the enemy, forcibly taken, you will resurrect your foe."_**

"Is that supposed to be a spell? I knew better incantations when I had a spell of dementia!" heckled an old man from a bizarrely placed balcony. Everybody looked up in surprise at the sudden voice.

"Maybe it'd be better if you spelled it differently!" replied his counterpart before they both started laughing.

"HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Where did they come from?" demanded Lucius Malfoy gruffly.

"Never seen them before in my life," answered another masked Deatheater.

"Couldn't help ya," said Goyle. Lucy eyed him closely.

"You are sounding rather strange Goyle," the blonde sycophant said.

"Cough! Cough! I've got er…nymph warts," 'Goyle' replied poorly, actually saying the word 'cough.' There was suddenly a good bit of room around the 'wizard,' because no one EVER wanted to get nymph warts.

"Nymph warts?" his friend asked quietly.

"First thing I could think of," 'Goyle' replied. "Sounds magicy, right?" He would have said more, but Voldemort interrupted them.

"Why isn't it working? It should be working! We used Harry Potter's blood!"

"_That's probably because _I'm _not Harry Potter_," the 'Arthur' said from the tree. He pulled off his mask to reveal a scruffy, but rather handsome man that all of them knew. "The name is Black, Sirius Black, Agent of SHIELD."

**Ba**-da-**badump**! **Ba**-da-**badump**! **Ba-da-ba-da-ba!**

"Did anyone else hear theme music when he said that?"

The other Deatheaters agreed silently.

"Harry and Pixie were unavoidably detained," Black said, stripping off his robes to appear in a skin tight SHIELD uniform, complete with the ubiquitous BGG (Big Giant Gun). "I hope I played the part well, I don't know what half those lines meant."

"What are you fools waiting for? Kill him!" Lucy Malfoy commanded as his cousin-in-law fired his BGG in the dark wizard's general direction. Voldemort just screamed in rage.

Wands went up, but before spells could be intoned, Sirius Black tapped his earbud. "Agent Black to Helicarrier. Airstrike on my location immediate after extraction." He waved as Illyana Rasputin teleported in, deflected the incoming spells, and teleported back out, taking him with her. "Bye!"

"Seems like he didn't like the surprise!" commented the first heckler.

"Hey, if I'd been a reoccurring character in this fic, I'd want to bomb them too!"

"HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

Lucius started waving his arms around. "Don't just stand there! This is obviously some part of an attack!"

The Deatheaters started making trails out of there as soon as possible, the last leaving just as the bombs began to land. Soon, all that was left were two old men made out of foam.

"What are we even doing in this fic?" the first asked.

"Disney bought us first and then bought Marvel," the other explained.

"Bet they'll never make that mistake again!"

"HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

* * *

Harry rolled a boulder off his back, allowing the two of them to climb out of the rubble. "Never been trapped in a landslide before."

"Don't want to do that ever again," Pixie swore.

"I agree," Harry said. He pulled out his Hungarian Horntail and commanded it to burn a pathway to the center. Travel was much easier then. Eventually, they got to the center clearing, but the chalice was gone.

"Well that sucks," Pixie said. "And here I told everybody that I'd bring it back."

"If this thing's still up then it's obviously not over," Harry said. "How about we wait for it to come back?"

"So…" Pixie said slowly. "We're in the middle of an almost impossible maze, waiting on something that might never arrive and pretty much alone except for your dragon."

"Good recap."

"Harry, you sure know how to show a girl a good time."

"Was that sarcasm? I sometimes have trouble identifying it if I'm not delivering it," Harry admitted. Pixie responded by giving him a peck on the cheek. "I knew that puberty truck accident was a good thing."

* * *

Cedric Diggory was oblivious to the bombing going on around him. This was primarily because he wasn't Cedric Diggory, he was an LMD or Life Model Decoy; a robot designed to impersonate someone and even simulate death. When the bombing stopped, something had happened to his programming because he woke up, something that wasn't supposed to happen.

"Command Override," Cedric 1.2 said aloud. "Hardware damaged. Utilizing alternative structure. Ultron Protocols initiate."

And then another bomb exploded.

* * *

Far above Riddle's playground of death, Sirius Black watched from a distance as the ritual was bombed out of oblivion.

"Good work," congratulated Nick Fury, handing him a martini, shaken, not stirred.

"Well, most of them got away," Sirius admitted. "They had a slightly too large warning. Next time I'll just bomb them without warning or banter."

"Nonsense," Fury said. "If you don't banter how are you going to get the bad guy to spill his plans through arrogance?"

"I suppose you've got a point," the wayward wizard admitted. "Any hope on getting me un-KOS in the UK?"

"We're working on it," Fury said. "As it stand now, it's pretty hard to keep people from noticing an extra. Especially since people are going to be more observant this time."

"I know, the briefing was pretty clear," Sirius agreed. "So where are the Diggorys?"

"Sleeping off the Lethe water," Fury said. "They shouldn't remember anything about you."

"Good, because even their Revolution can't help them yet. Unless they choose to take a few more precautions."

"Hmm…"

"What?" asked Fury.

"I think something went wrong," Sirius said a moment before he fell over backwards.

* * *

**DEADPOOL'S NOTE: **And now a few words from our peanut gallery:

"Uh, Deadpool?" Bob, Agent of HYDRA asked hesitantly.

**"Yeah?"**

"Why are you wearing a British Army officer's uniform?"

**"Because this fanfic has gotten _far _too silly!"**

"What?"

sigh...**"Nobody gets me,"** Deadpool said before dropping his hat and moping away. Bob looked after him, thoroughly confused. **"I guess I'll just have to go change. Maybe go jump a shark or something."**


	40. In Honoure of Yee Olde Wyrld Cuppe

**In Honour of Yee Olde World Cuppe**

* * *

**Deadpool's Note:** Yeah, things have been a little crazy lately. I blame it on magic. And Spider-Man. And time travel. And...Skrulls. Yeah, that's it. Skrulls did it. Those horrid skrulls impersonating the author! Can't trust any of 'em! Well, this should revel and reveal. *BANG!* Goody, killed some Skrulls. Gotta love heavy projectile weapons.

As for other things, my little Arthur is having a hard time. Especially being revealed to be Sirius Black, whoever that guy is. Always strange when you get another kid and you don't even know it. I mean, he's almost MY age. Wow, I wonder if this is what Scotty felt when my buddy Nate came back from the future as an old man? Honestly, a grown son at my age. Hmmm...I think I'm gonna go teach him the facts of life. And Doorknobs. And Chimichangas. And the Box. Can't ever forget the Box!

"Um...Mr. Deadpool?"

**"Yeah, Bob?"**

"Weasle sent over that 4th wall you wanted to break." Bob stood back. "I'm not sure where he's keeping the other three, but I guess they're still intact."

Deadpool looked over at the literal wall built off to one side with a brandnew 5 pound sledge ready for the task. He did the only thing he could. He facepalmed.

**"You-**_SOB_**-you don't understand. You ****just**** don't understand."**

* * *

_And now, on with that story thing..._

* * *

"There," Lucius said. "That should be do it." He waved his wand over the chalice and returned it to its proper place, hoping this time to get the **REAL** Harry Potter.

"What's happening?" Voldemort asked. Lucius turned to see his master shaking like a hyperactive epileptic on Mutant Growth Hormone. "The spell didn't work!"

"I would not hesitate to correct you, but it does seem to be doing something," Lucius Malfoy commented. He brought his head up as the sound of heavy measured thumping sounded off in the distance and quickly neared. "Wait! What's that noise?"

Cedric Diggory's LMD, looking like something out of a zombie movie crossed with Terminator, charged at them, arms outstretched as it bellowed a line of code that sounded not unlike an old computer logging into dialup.

It seemed to be heading right towards Lucius and kicked the still shaking Voldemort like a football master on a penalty kick. Voldemort bounced off a tree limb, only to continue on between two more trees at the end of a long open space in the bombed out area. Looking on, Harry Potter raised his hands to the air and said: "GGGGGGGGGGGG OOOOOOOOOOOOO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!"

"Harry, are you done?" Pixie asked. She pointed to Lucius, 'Crabbe' and 'Goyle.' "There are bad men here."

"I know, but I'm just getting in touch with my inner hooligan," he answered.

And that was when approaching Deatheaters snuck up behind them and stunned them both.

* * *

"Okay, let's do this right this time!" Voldemort commanded with a clap of his aborted-fetusy hands. "Places people! Places!"

Lucius Malfoy once again cast the spell to strap Harry up to the gravestone. This time the spell worked, and Voldemort was back in all his scaly glory. He was half tempted to do a happy dance, but managed to contain himself.

"Now to just call the others."

He used his connection to make the dark marks burn, calling his minions back to him. One by one they teleported in by magic until a large circle had arrived.

"Yes, all you fools," he commanded to his assembled death eaters. "I have returned."

They bowed before him out of fear, not respect. "Stand up! You never sought me out! You just wanted to hide away, blaming things on me! But this is not the time for that discussion. We shall have plenty of time for your punishment later. No, first we have a little rat to deal with."

"I'm not a rat, I'm an allosaurus," Harry corrected helpfully.

"Oh, so you're the one who-" 'Crabbe' said a moment before 'Goyle' elbowed him in the gut. "oof!"

Voldemort waved his wand, releasing Harry from the binding spell. He then ensured that the young wizard had his wand. "Go ahead. We shall do this so that all can see."

"Has anyone ever told you that you look a lot like Amon Goeth?"

"No," Voldemort replied, a little confused.

"Oh, I shot him once, but he got better. The real one, not the guy from Shindler's List," Harry said. "Where'd Pixie go?"

"Oh, you mean your little girlfriend," Voldemort taunted. "We have no need of a halfbreed like her."

"I suppose I _should_ make some threatening comments about how I'll kill you if anything happens to her, but I'm going to rise above it and just let her kick your ass later," Harry said. "It's less cliché that way and doesn't get me in trouble for excessive testosterone."

'Crabbe' was trying not to laugh. 'Goyle' elbowed him in the gut again. 'Crabbe' immediately stood back up straight.

"Oh, my dear Crabbe," Voldemort said, mistaking the reason for the humor. "I am amused as well. To think something like that could possibly be a challenge to one of my powers, or any pureblooded, right minded wizard. Well, purity above all else."

"Wow! You REALLY sound and act like Amon Goeth! Are you sure you're not being played by the same actor?" Harry asked. "Hmm...that would explain why Snape sometimes sounds like the Voice of God and other times sounds like the Sheriff of Nottingham."

"Enough of this," the Dork Lord commanded. "We'll do this correctly. A duel. Then all will see that I am your better. The insolence of being put low by someone like you has weakened my stature. Killing you armed and aware should settle that issue nicely. Traditions must be obeyed. Raise your wand. Bow, and-"

"Tommy, before we begin, there's something I need to tell you," Harry interrupted as the dark wizard was instructing. Voldemort stepped out of his fighting stance with an annoyed huff.

"Nothing you could say matters any longer," the dark wizard hissed at him angrily.

"But it does," Harry said ominously. "You do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the Wizarding world!"

Voldemort looked like he was going to laugh hysterically. "As if I would ever join you! You are at my mercy! There is nothing I could gain! What could you possibly offer me?"

"If only you understood the truth!" Harry said with an odd pose. For some reason, a black cloak appeared off the young wizard's shoulder that fluttered in the breeze. "What did Dumbledore tell you about your father?"

"My father is dead," snarled the dark wizard.

"If only you knew," Harry said with a superior smile that seemed to hold some dark secret. "Dumbledore never told you what truly happened."

"Killed and murdered," sneered the snaky guy, who was clearly getting tired of the interplay.

"No," intoned young Harry James Potter in a darkly serious tone. Harry stood tall, holding out a dramatic hand as lightning struck behind him, silhouetting him amongst the gravestones. "You see Tommy, _**I**_ am your **father!**"


	41. It can't be true! It just can't be!

**It can't be true! It just can't be! Harry won?**

* * *

Previously, in the author's insane ramblings:

_"Tommy, before we begin, there's something I need to tell you," Harry said before the duel began. "What did Dumbledore tell you about your father?"_

_"My father is dead and it no longer matters," snarled the dark wizard._

_"But it does," Harry said ominously holding out a dramatic hand as lightning struck behind him, silhouetting him amongst the gravestones. "You see Tommy, _**I**_ am your _**FATHER**_!"_

_

* * *

_**And now, something that is a little less likely to send HP Lovecraft to nutsville...the next chapter:**_  
_

*BLINK-BLINK*

That was pretty much the last thing they expected to come out of James Potter's son's mouth. The Death Eaters looked at Harry and then they looked at Voldemort and then they looked at each other. It was pretty much general confusion. Voldemort looked at the boy with an equally incredulous look.

"That's not true," Voldemort said. "That's impossible."

"Ah, but it is true," Harry said, still posing dramatically. "Due to a massive crossover event involving all the X-Books, the Avengers _and_ the Fantastic Four, oh, and a time turner; I was _**thrust**_ back in time to assist the Invaders in defeating Hitler and the Third Reich. There on shore leave I made sweet, sweet love to your mother before I returned to my time. 'Thrust' is such a cool word. It always sounds dirty, but most of the time it isn't. Funny, huh? Search your feelings, you know this to be true."

"How can this be?" asked Voldemort, even more confused by the sincerity in the teen's voice.

"I blame shifts in linguistic slang and bawdy behavior, but it's still a cool word," Harry replied.

"No, not the thrust thing!" Voldemort argued with a dismissive wave of his hand. "The other thing! _You _are my _father_? That's preposterous!"

"And _Lucy_ is your sister!" Harry said before pointing an ominous finger in Malfoy's direction. Harry shrugged. "I wanted to name her Geraldine so we could have Tom and Jerry, but your mother vetoed it. She was a very forceful woman."

Voldemort shared a long look with Malfoy, as if to search for common features. This was rather impossible considering Tommy's current serpentine appearance. But the statement finally processed.

"Wait a minute," said Voldemort in a moment of sudden realization. "I was born _before _the Second World War!"

He looked back, but Harry was already running away.

"After him you fools!"

* * *

Tommy and a couple of friends stalked off in the direction that Potter had escaped. A few others tried to follow, but 'Goyle's' big hand stopped them short.

"You heard the Dark Lord! It's time to kill!"

Still in his mask, 'Goyle' shook his head. "Nope, not time for that."

"Then what time is it?" the Death Eater asked incredulously. 'Goyle' threw off his outfit to reveal Aunt Petunia's favorite blue-eyed nephew (no, not that Aunt Petunia) No, this was the original, the orange, the stony, **The Thing**. Ben Grimm pounded one stone fist into his palm with a big wide grin.

"Clobberin' time."

The Death Eaters that managed to escape would never really know what happened. All they knew was that one guy was made of stone, another guy started on fire, trapping them in a ring of flames. They tried to apparate out, but found their wands broken by a person in an invisibility cloak (or at least that's what they thought) while another wrapped them up with elasticity charms (or at least that's what they thought).

_"Aveda Kadavra!"_ one of them screamed, sending out a green bolt that impacted on the Thing's chest. He looked down at it, rubbed where it hit and then punched the offending minion.

"Holy $#!TE!" bellowed the Death Eater a moment before his face met fist.

Flying above them, Johnny Storm scratched his head.

"This is a little anticlimactic isn't it?"

* * *

On the other side of the graveyard, Harry was running for his life, reloading his doorknobs and looking for a phone booth. No one would ever be able to explain why he was looking for a phone booth. Instead he found himself trapped between a rock and a hard cider place with nowhere to run. When he was finally of-age to drink, he would return. It was pretty good Hard Cider.

"Foolish prat! Did you really think you could escape me?" Voldemort demanded.

"Do you expect me to **talk**?" asked Harry with an obviously fake Scottish accent.

"NO! Mister Potter, I expect you to **die**!" he cackled a moment before cutting himself off. "Wait, why did I say that?"

And that was when Harry kicked him in the crotch. Ends up the pain isn't that bad if you don't have anything down there, and considering Tommy was mostly snake now, those organs were internal and didn't have the same kind of nerve endings.

Harry was cuffed upside the head.

"Throw him to the ground!" commanded Tommy. His death eater minion didn't exactly throw Harry, so much as drop him gently. Tommy was not amused. "Honestly! You can't even throw someone to the ground correctly! Let me show you how to do it."

Harry was picked up and quickly, and forcefully, thrown down to the ground. "Next time do it like that, you idiot!"

"Uh, sure thing My Lord," the incompetent death eater agreed.

"So hard to find good help these days," Harry said.

"You have no idea," bemoaned Voldemort. He was about to finish the boy, but he was interrupted by an earthy voice from the shadows and a katana that appeared through a random Death Eater's sternum via his back.

**"Doo-dee-do!" ** Another two were blown to smithereens before the voice continued.

**"Never fear!"** the voice said a moment before a blue and red Deadpool stepped out of the shadows.** "Wonder-Mutant-Dad is here!"**

"Golly! Wonder-Mutant-Dad, I just knew you'd save me! Gee Whiz!" Harry said, putting on his best Jimmy Olson impression. Pixie, having just landed, simply shook her head.

"He isn't _really _a mutant," she said sadly. With a protracted sigh, she waved her hand and suddenly everything changed.

Voldemort found himself surrounded by Plasticine porters with looking glass ties. Newspaper taxies appeared on the shore (which also appeared) and seemed to be waiting to take him away. Wordlessly, Voldemort staggered off after a girl with kaleidoscope eyes.

"Aren't you gonna shoot him?" Pixie asked Wonder-Mutant-Dad. The paternal "superhero" wasn't paying attention, but muttered something about techno-organic viruses, suntan lotion, skimpy underwear and someone named "Dayspring." She shook her head again. "Never mind, I don't want to know."

That would later prove to be a wise choice.

By the time Pixie's dust had worn off, Voldemort was nowhere to be seen. Harry looked at Pixie, who shrugged. Harry looked at Wonder-Mutant-Dad, who grinned, pulled up his mask and ate a pancake that he had stashed…somewhere before the fight. Harry shrugged and started walking back to the abandoned portkey.

On their way, they found about thirty unconscious death eaters and the Fantastic Four. "Hey Harry," Johnny Storm greeted. "Just give us a sec and we'll hand over these guys to SHIELD."

"Thanks!" Harry said.

"Don't forget to take their wands this time," Pixie put in. "And you might want to strip them too, just to be on the safe side."

"…why would we want to do that?" Susan Storm-Richards asked hesitantly.

"It might be gross, but it'll keep 'em from porting away," Pixie said with a perky grin.

"Fair enough," Sue said. She looked at her husband. "Go ahead."

He wore a look that shifted between disgust for the deed and marital duty. A sharp look from his wife won out and the Unfortunate Mr. Fantastic was responsible for stripping all the prisoners.

* * *

Harry and Pixie were hailed as co-champions of the tri-quad-multi-Wizard tournament. Pixie gave a rousing speech that was oddly moving and overly political. This was probably responsible for her being elected as the next Minister of Magic, which was weird, because the Wizarding World didn't have elections.

Harry, on the other hand, just bowed and thanked the Academy. The majority of people there didn't get the joke and just assumed it was the name of his magic school. He took a bow and started wandering off stage before he remembered something.

"Oh, and there was this guy named Tommy there," he mentioned with a snap of his fingers. "Called himself something else, dork lard, or Rodent of Death. Tried to kill me and Pixie and Wonder-Mutant-Dad."

"Rodent of Death?" Dumbledore asked with pure, unadulterated, unabridged confusion.

"De-Mort—isn't that French for 'of death?' and voles are rodents, aren't they?" Harry asked. "I could be wrong. Science is changing so much these days."

He shrugged, walked off stage, found a dark corner for him and Pixie to celebrate by snogging each other's faces off. Not literally mind you, only in the metaphorical, slang, proverbial sense. That is, of course, assuming there's an appropriate proverb about snogging.

It took the rest of the viewers a long moment to decipher the cryptic statement.

"Voles, death," pondered the headmaster. Suddenly his eyes grew wide. "VOLDEMORT IS BACK?"

"_**WHAT?"**_


	42. 5 against Nazis

**+5 against Nazis

* * *

**

"So, Harry, you just co-won the Wizard's Cup," the ESPN reporter said. "What are you going to do next?"

"Just this," Harry said, running over to the copy of their Dark Arts teacher. He reached up and pulled off his polyjuice disguise as if it were a rubber mask. "Golly Gee Mister! It's old man Barty Junior all along!"

"Yes, I was the one who put your name in the hat. I was the same one who cast the imperius curse on Krum. I did it all to arrange the resurrection of the Dark Lord!" The death eater, revealed on live television, decked the young wizard in the face and started running away, about fifty cameras following him. "And it would have worked, too, if it weren't for you meddlesome kids!"

As they turned the corner, Harry reached up dramatically from the ground, as if to call out to them. "Don't let him reach the TARDIS!"

Barty Crouch was not able to escape, but did give several exclusive interviews before a dementor gave him a kiss with tongue.

"So Pixie, what are you planning on doing with your winnings?"

"I thought I might sell the gold and take a tour," she said. "I've always wanted to see Florida and Brazil."

"No Skrull Empire tours? No visits to the moon while standing on your head?"

"Oh, of course not, Harry's the crazy one in this relationship."

* * *

"So this Rodent of Death is a bad guy?" Harry asked as he munched on a tortilla chip while in the staff room.

"Yes!" said Snape grumpily.

"And he's the one that killed my biological parents?"

"YES!" McGonagall snapped.

"And now he's back?"

"YOU JUST TOLD US THAT!" bellowed all the professors in unison.

"Right, so do you know where his hangout is?"

That stopped them short. "Harry, why would you want to know that?" Dumbledore asked slowly in a worried tone.

"I just need to know," he replied.

"You're not going to assault his compound alone are you?"

Harry was positively mortified. "No! Of course not! I'm insane, not stupid!"

No one could really argue with that.

"Yes, Harry, we do know where his hideout is," Dumbledore said slowly. "You see, Professor Snape has been a spy in their organization for a very long time."

"Great!" Harry said with a winning smile. "Just give me the address and my two plans will take care of everything!"

"Two plans?"

"Don't worry, they're nothing bad."

Snape wrote down the address and handed it to the boy.

"Great, just hold on a sec. _Accio_ Doom's Credit Card!" A black card flew into his hand a moment before Harry pulled out his mobile and started dialing. "Hi, is this The House of Pizza? Thanks, well, I'm in kind of a bind, you see I've got some friends that are having a big party and I can't be there at the last minute. I promised I'd bring pizza, but I won't be there. This is going to be a big order and I was hoping to use my credit card…so you don't need to actually see it? ... Great! … My name? Doctor Victor Von Doom. Let's see, that's 4400…"

After it was over the professors looked at him blankly.

"You just bought him pizza? That was your plan?" Snape demanded angrily.

"Did I say I was done? No!" Harry said, before dialing a different number. "Hello, Doctor Doom?"

"YES, THIS IS DOOM! WHO DARES CALL ON DOOM'S PRIVATE NUMBER?"

"Great, I'm from the Credit Card investigative service and we just got a suspicious hit on your card."

"WHERE IS IT?"

Harry gave him the address of the Rodent of Death.

"YOU HAVE DONE WELL, AND SHALL BE REWARDED FOR YOUR SERVICE!"

"Thank you, good Doctor! Have a nice day!" Harry said warmly. He snapped his mobile shut and look back up at the Hogwarts staff. "That was my plan."

"Harry, I do hope you haven't doomed that poor man to torture and death," Dumbledore cautioned.

"Oh, trust me, Vic can take care of himself, and he isn't doomed. He _is_ DOOM," Harry assured the Headmaster. "Now to enact my other plan. Just so happens that his is a perfect opportunity to use the teleporter my Wonder-Mutant-Dad gave me for my upcoming birthday."

And with that, Harry teleported out of Hogwarts, something no one was supposed to be able to do.

Moments later Snape would be informed that the Rodent's Evil Headquarters needed a new location as the previous one was covered by killer robots in green cloaks.

* * *

He made his way through the streets of London until he found a married couple's dentist's practice. He burst in with excessive drama to where their daughter was busy studying for her Fifth year at a certain magic school. Harry couldn't remember the school name. It wasn't like it was important.

"Harry Potter?" Hermione asked in surprise at the overly dramatic entrance.

"I have a plan!" Harry said. "Hermione Granger! You have been Chosen!"

"Oh no!"

* * *

Later, Harry burst into the Burrow to where the Weasleys were having their midday meal (except for those who were at work, of course). Harry opened the door wearing an eyepatch and smoking a rubber cigar. He'd even put a bit of flour in his hair above each ear for the finishing touches.

"Ronald Weasley! You have been Chosen!"

"Blimey!"

* * *

Harry, still wearing his best Nick Fury costume, kicked in the door to the dilapidated Malfoy Mansion. He pointed a doorknob at Draco and grinned.

"Draco Malfoy! You have been Chosen!"

"Potter?"

* * *

Cedric Diggory was sitting in his room making plays for the upcoming Quidditch season at Hogwarts. There was a flash of light, and suddenly the instigator of the Rebellion was before him.

"Cedric Diggory! You have been Chosen!"

"For the Revolution!"

* * *

Harry teleported to his final choice with a thunder clap.

"Rita Skeeter! You have been Chosen!"

"What the hell?"

* * *

Far away, in a separate realm all together, Wise and Powerful Odin sat on His chair, observing Midgard below.

"Yes," He said stroking His beard. "I see."

He turned to one of His ravens and whispered something in his ear.

The raven flew off, soaring above the clouds, flying past hill and dale, until it came to rest on the shoulder Neville Longbottom, the Aesir trained Wizard, who was currently lost somewhere in the wilds of downtown New York City.

The raven whispered Odin's message in the Viking Wizard's ear. Neville nodded, causing three women to faint with glee at the English Adonis. "Aye, most verily, Thought, I shalt do as the All Father commands."

And with that, he threw his sword into the sky, holding onto the strap and flew in the general direction of the British Isles. Hours later he landed along the Scotland/England border where a number of other familiar faces had gathered.

* * *

"Great! Everybody's here," Harry Potter said. "Let's begin."

"Why are we here?" Hermione Granger asked.

"Because we're going to be the Magic Avengers," Harry said, as if it explained everything.

"Why's he here?" both Draco and Ron asked, each pointing at the other.

"Because Draco is going to be Aluminum-Lad and Ron's Captain Hogwarts," Harry said, once again as if it explained everything.

"Who?" both asked.

"Why am I here?" Skeeter asked.

"Because you're the Beetle," Harry responded.

"Me?" Hermione asked, almost dreading the reason.

"The Crimson Witch," Harry said. He gestured to Pixie, who waved. "And the lovely, beautiful Pixie will be our obligatory mutant with stabby implement."

"What about Conan there?" Hermione asked, pointing a thumb at the black haired muscley Viking who looked like he crawled out of Playgirl or a Frazetta painting.

"I don't have a name, but he's quite clearly our Thor alligator," Harry said.

"Don't you mean allegory?" Pixie asked.

"Yes, that's exactly what I mean."

"What is this supposed to be, I still don't understand?" Skeeter asked once more.

"We are going to be Earth's Greatest Magical Heroes," Harry said.

"Wait, so I get it," Hermione said. "I'm supposed to be based off the Scarlet Witch?"

"Yep and once I find a robot for you to fall in love with and have imaginary babies with it will be complete," Harry said. They boggled at him, but the Gryffindor brushed it off.

"And Ron is based off Captain America," Hermione continued.

"Who?" asked Ron. She ignored him.

"And Draco is Iron-Man?"

"Yep, at least until his self-destructive alcoholism Slash racism causes us to break up on world television," Harry said. "But you'll have a part in that when you go insane and try to kill everybody. I also need to find you a really fast brother."

"But who is the reporter?"

"Wasp," Harry said honestly. "I was going to find her an abusive, psychotic, drug addicted husband to round out the roster, but Pixie reminded me that wasn't a good idea, so instead I got Hagrid and told him to treat her like one of his interesting critters."

"Who are you Pixie?"

"Wolverine," Pixie said. "I told him Laura was a better choice, but she doesn't know any magic."

"Why are you doing this?" Draco said. "What reason do I have to do this?"

"Other than that I used the same ability that the guy who put my name in a burning cup to add all your names to a magically binding contract," Harry said, "no there isn't any reason. I suppose you could quit, but it will cost you your magic."

"WHAT?"

Harry just shrugged innocently. "Magically binding contract. Hey, I had to do something to make you obey."

Hermione grabbed him by the shirt and picked him up off the ground in a fit of rage fueled strength. "What exactly did this contract involve?"

"You can't reveal your secret identity except to people who already know it."

"And...?"

"You are required to take extraordinary measures to make sure people forget or don't believe you are who you say you are if they do find out your identity. Especially your significant others."

"And...?"

"And you can self monologue and other people can't hear it. You get this really cool, half mask thing going on when you do it, too."

"And...?"

"And you are required to wear really awesome and stylish costumes in primary colors."

"And...?"

"And you have to be Super-Heroes."

"And...?"

"That's about it," Harry said.

"About?" she said threateningly.

"That's it."

"No clauses about how we're forced to follow the same fate as the originals?"

"No, Pixie made sure that didn't happen."

"Good."

"Will you put me down now?"

"I'll think about it," Hermione said a moment before she whipped out her wand and levitated him onto a tree branch. "Who are you supposed to be?"

"Oh, I'm the Hulk, obviously," Harry said. "You're all gonna band up when I go on a rampage caused by Loki and be called together by my plucky sidekick to save me, even if you all think I'm at fault."

"YOU _**ARE **_AT FAULT!" Everyone except Pixie and Neville said.

"Wait, Harry, where'd you get a plucky sidekick?" Pixie asked.

"Nay, 'tis a most noble cause ye hath taken part in," the Aesir trained wizard said. "'Twould be most righteous to join."

"Thanks Neville," Harry said. Everyone whipped their heads around to look at the Viking-esque warrior.

"Neville Longbottom? Really?" Ron asked. Hermione appriased him as if he were an interesting book she hadn't read yet. Rita and Draco looked at him like he was a piece of meat. And then Draco realized there were others present and sneered. Cedric just smiled and nodded in greeting. Ron just stared and ate a cookie he'd stashed in his pocket that morning.

"Aye, 'tis true," Neville said.

"What happened?" Ron asked.

"Hark! Mine Friend Harry didst grant me his wand and I 'twas transported to the great city of Aesgard, Where I did learn much from the Norse Gods. Heimdall didst grant me his favor and now I doth fight in his honor."

"Riiiight…" they said in unison.

"And now, If I mightst be excused, I hath a Dwarven Draught to grant to mine parents," he said a moment before flying off.

"What powers do I have?" Ron asked Harry.

"None yet, you'll get them once I get down," Harrry replied. The boy let him down off the tree branch and struck a pose. "Okay, now strap yourself into this conveniently placed semi-deactivated electric-chair and let me stab you with this ridiculously huge syringe."

Ron screamed like a defenestrated puppy and ran away.

"If you run you'll never get the Super Wizard Serum!"

Ron paused.

"You also get a really cool shield. I made it myself; It's Nazi-Bane and it's got a +5 against Nazis."

Ron turned around. He didn't know what that meant, but it sounded cool.

"You get to wear chainmail."

Ron started walking back. Chainmail was always cool, maybe he could be like one of those Wizarding Knights of old.

Then he saw the **SIZE** of the syringe and ran away again.

At this point, Rita Skeeter looked at her notes and realized that they just said "I am a banana" over and over and over again.

"What am I doing here?" Cedric Diggory asked once Harry had chased down Ron and stabbed him repeatedly with the Super Wizard Serum Syringe.

"Oh, since you're the only natural blond here, you get to be Mr. Marvel and have awesome cosmic powers," Harry answered. "I haven't figured out how to do that yet, but I will. There's only a fifty percent chance of you getting cancer."

"Oh, no, I'm a Libra," Cedric said. He glanced down at the gibbering mass that once was Ron Weasley. "Is he supposed to be bleeding like that?"


	43. The Happiest Word

**Taking Care of Business or Letting Napalm Be or Happy Defenestration Time, er, pick one.**

_

* * *

When the OOTP's in times of trouble  
Mother Napalm calls to me,  
Sowing Seeds of Chaos,  
Burn it all!  
And In my hour of darkness,  
A batch of basic chemistry,  
Sowing Seeds of Chaos,  
Burn it all!_

_Let it burn, Let it burn,  
Let it burn, oh Let it burn,  
Sowing seeds of Chaos,  
Burn it all!_

* * *

"And so the first meeting of the new Order of the Phoenix will now commence," Jessica "Albus" Dumbledore said, stroking his long beard. "Arthur Weasley, what is the first order of business?"

"We know that Harry is staying with the people at Xavier's School for the Gifted," the man said. "Aside from a two week trip to Japan, he's been there all along."

"Good to know he's with people who can protect him," Remus Lupin said. "And word about Sirius Black?"

"From what I've heard on the international side of things, he's been cleared of all charges," Kingsley Shacklebolt said. "Even muggle Britain doesn't consider him a threat anymore. They've cleared him as well."

"How can this be?" Dumbledore asked, clearly befuddled by the news.

"From what I understand, he and Harry have been seen together on a regular basis in New York City," the auror replied casually.

"NEW YORK CITY?" the others blurted loudly.

"Come now! This is an Order meeting, not a salsa commercial from the early 90s!" said a new voice.

"Harry? How'd you get here?" Dumbledore asked as the boy just walked into the hidden house.

"I've got two legs from my hips to the ground," Harry sang, "and when I move them, they walk around."

"This location is supposed to be secret!"

"What? I just had a meeting, so I figured I'd stop by since I got done early," Harry said. "So what's up with the Rodent of Death?"

Remus Lupin looked confused, and Mad Eye Moody mouthed "Voldemort" as an explanation. Remus nodded in sudden understanding. It _was _his first appearance in this fic, so it's not surprising that he wasn't up to speed.

"He's been quiet and the ministry is calling you a liar," Dumbledore admitted. "Minister Fudge is using the Daily Prophet to lambast you daily."

"Oh, well, I'll take care of the second one," Harry said. "Let me just get to the bank. See you guys later!"

And with that, Pixie teleported in and took the two of them away, waving goodbye as the pink portal took them away.

"Next order of business, a new hideout," Dumbledore said. "Maybe we can use the secret handshake this time?"

"NO!" said the rest of the Order.

Sigh. "Okay," he said as he hung his head dejectedly.

* * *

_And when the Death Eating people,  
Living in the world agree they will see,  
I already have the answer,  
Burn it all!  
For though they may be insane,  
There's a special light for them to see,  
From "the Poor Man's James Bond,"  
Burn it all!_

_Let it burn, Let it burn,  
Let it burn, oh Let it burn,  
Sowing seeds of Chaos,  
Burn it all!  
_

* * *

**Five hours later:**

"EVERYONE LISTEN UP!"

Heads turned to see the familiar face of Harry Potter standing in the doorway to the press floor of the Daily Prophet.

"You get out of here! We don't like your kin-oof!" Pixie, sensitive to prejudiced statements, kicked the former Editor in Chief in the gut. He went for his wand and she decided it was time to kick him in the junk.

"That felt pretty good," she said perkily. Harry just shrugged.

"Nothing wrong with causing pain to those who deserve it," Harry said. He turned back to the others. "Okay, I'm your new boss. I own the news paper and so now you're gonna write what I have to say."

"You can't do that!"

"You're fired."

"You can't do that to me!"

The offending reporter was magically defenestrated.

"I love that word. Defenestrate, Defenestrate, Defenestrate. Any other complaints?" Harry asked as he glanced about the room.

Everyone shook their heads.

"Good, now I'm going to go kidnap us a new EiC with a good head on his shoulders and decades of newspaper experience and a moustache that sometimes looks like a dead caterpillar on his upper lip. It depends on who's drawing him that issue," Harry told them. "You're all going to write stories about the new superhero team that's saving the world from Dark Lords, Rodents of Death and muggers."

"Who?"

"The Magic Avengers," Harry said. "They'll be giving a press conference this afternoon on the steps of the Ministry. I want the press there."

* * *

_And when I next see Tommy,  
My jellied petrol waits for him,  
Burn on 'till tomorrow,  
Let it burn!  
Thou he might meet Doc Doom,  
It never hurts to be prepared,  
Excessive pyromania,  
Burn it all!_

_

* * *

_

"What the?" J. Jonah Jameson said as he was picked up and thrown over a yellow trashcan's shoulder. "What you doing to me?"

"Sorry, JJ, but we need an editor," said a masked man in the corner.

"Sorry, just got the Bugle, you can't do this to me!" J. Jonah Jameson grumbled.

"Aluminum-Lad, take the EiC back to the Daily Prophet and meet me for the press conference," the masked man said.

The yellow trashcan with arms and legs nodded and Jameson was sure he heard sobs coming from inside.

"You okay kid?"

"I am a banana!" Aluminum-Lad replied between sobs. "I AM A BANANA!"

"Oh, uh, sorry to hear that," Jameson said. There was an arcane phrase and the next thing Jameson knew he was in a press room exactly like the Bugle, but everyone was wearing bizarre clothes.

"What the?"

* * *

_Burn it all, burn it all,  
Burn it all, oh, burn it all.  
Sowing seeds of Chaos,  
Burn it all!  
_

* * *

"What do you _mean _he kidnapped the entire staff of the Bugle?" Mary Jane asked her husband.

"Exactly what I said, a fourteen year old boy stole everyone but me," Peter Parker said, clinging to his camera. "Granted, he's magical and can turn into an allosaurus, and had the help of a yellow trashcan, but still, I don't know what he's gaining from this. Soon after they left, a bunch of crazy people were dropped there instead. All claiming to be wizards or witches."

"So what are you doing about it?" Mary Jane asked.

"Well, the new editor gave me a raise and wants me to take pictures of the Boy-Who-Lied, whoever that is," Peter admitted. "I'll find out what happened to Jonah and then see about the rest of them. I don't really want to be there when Luke finds out someone kidnapped Jessica Jones."

"Yes, that could be bad," Mary Jane Watson-Parker agreed. "You are going to take the raise, though, right?"

* * *

_Burn it all, burn it all,  
Burn it all, oh, burn it all.  
Sowing seeds of Chaos,  
Burn it all!_

* * *

"Welcome Citizens!" Captain Hogwarts said, brandishing his shield. He had healed up nicely once the stab wounds closed, but it had taken some time, and so that's what the author is blaming the time between updates on. It was real time healing.

"Who are you people?" demanded Fudge.

"We are:** THE MAGICAL AVENGERS!**" announced Captain Hogwarts. Arthur Bea Wilson leaned over and whispered something into his ear. "I mean: _**The MAGIC AVENGERS!**_ Sorry 'bout that!"

The frizzy haired Crimson Witch rubbed her temples, wishing her face was covered like the others. Aluminum-Lad was sobbing and wishing that he wasn't wearing a yellow trashcan as a costume. Half-Giant-Man was wearing a skintight uniform that left nothing to the imagination. In fact, his big bushy beard covered more than his costume did. Neville Longbottom stood proudly and seemed oblivious to the massive amount of drooling going on around him. About 80% of the female population and 10% of the male population never let their eyes stray from him and were acting like he was a veela on magical pretty steroids. The Beetle kept sneaking glances at his buttocks, but tried to not be noticed doing it. Mister Magic Marvel floated about two feet off the ground and let non-existent wind blow through his hair. He was starting to get almost as many drooling looks as Neville.

"Who are you people?" Fudge demanded again. "What are you doing here?"

"We're here to protect and defend Truth, Justice and the Wizarding Way," Captain Hogwarts announced. Next to him, Arthur Bea Wilson shook his head. "We're not?"

_"No,"_ Arthur said. _"We're here to save people from corrupt politicians and Evil Rodents and totally trash the Wizarding way because it's a racist, bigoted, 1930s Germany-esque, misogynistic society of idiot sheep."_

"Oh," Captain Hogwarts said dejectedly. He pointed over his shoulder at Arthur. "What he said."

_"Don't be sad, you can be the first one to throw Fudge out a window," _Arthur said as he clapped him on the back. That put a smile back on Captain Hogwart's face. Defenestration seemed to make all of them pretty happy, even Aluminum-Lad. _"Defenestrate, Defenestrate, Defenestrate."_

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to see someone do that," the Beetle said with a wide grin. "We need a photographer. Maybe we could sell tickets?"

* * *

Months later, after throwing about 90% of the Ministry officials out windows (they sold tickets and totally made up for the budget deficit), it was time to go back to school. The Ministry, not learning its lesson, installed Deloris Umbridge as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. As hard as it was to believe, this actually lowered the estimation of the Wizarding World's worth as the news of what was happening hit Cable News.

"Detention Mr. Potter!"

"You can't give me a detention, I'm not even a student here," Harry replied with a smirk. He made a motion as if to cast a fishing rod and gave her the **Finger**, then pretended to reel the finger in. Basically he was flipping her the bird, giving her the New Jersey salute, showing off the New York state bird, flashing the California passing signal and as many other euphamisms you can think of for giving her the middle finger. Being a pureblood bigot, she didn't get the reference.

"Yes you are!"

"No I'm not."

"That's two detentions!"

"If I refused to serve one, what makes you think I'll serve two?" Harry sighed, looking at the toadish woman with pity. "Well, only one way to fix this," he said as he got up from his desk. He walked up, punched her in the gut, broke her stubby wand and dragged her out by the hair. There was much rejoicing.

"You can't do this to me! The Ministry will hear of this! I'm Deloris Umbridge!"

"Yes I can, because I'm apparently doing it. Therefore, I can do it. Negative talk like that only hurts self esteem. Haven't you ever read the Little Engine that could? But anyway, I don't care if the Ministry hears about this. And I don't really care what your name is. I thought about throwing you through a window, Defenestrate, Defenestrate, Defenestrate, but that joke might be getting a little old in this chapter," Harry replied as he continued to drag her down the hallway. She continued to scream as Harry dragged her up the stairs, one by one until they reached the seventh floor.

There, Harry walked back and forth muttering about some box. When a door appeared, Harry James Potter dragged her inside a dark, forbidding room. "Welcome to the Box, Deloris. Bye!"

Her eyes adjusted slightly, suddenly realizing there were many, many sharp objects and obstacles. Harry Potter waved as he closed the door behind him, leaving her in darkness.

* * *

"Mr. Potter! What do you think you were _doing_?" Professor McGonagall demanded as he stepped back outside.

"Just taking out some trash," Harry said, dusting off his hands. "If you don't take it out right away, the stink gets into everything." At her scandalized look he shrugged innocently. "Hey, I could have just asked my Wonder-Mutant-Dad to kill her. He'd probably give me a discount too. I read Order of the Phoenix, I knew what she was going to do."

He had the good graces to look ashamed of that. "Please don't tell my Wonder-Mutant-Dad that I read this far ahead."

* * *

_Burn it all, burn it all,  
Burn it all, oh, burn it all.  
Sowing seeds of Chaos,  
Burn it all!  
_

* * *

_Burn it all, burn it all,  
Burn it all, oh, burn it all.  
Sowing seeds of Chaos,  
Burn it all!  
_

* * *

_Burn it all, burn it all,  
Burn it all, oh, burn it all.  
Excessive Pyromania,  
Burn it allllllllllllllllllll!_

* * *

Pixie pursed her lips in thought as she wandered around the press floor of the Daily Prophet. She glanced up at her boyfriend. "Harry, I've been wondering..."

"Yeah? 'Bout what?" the unstable "hero" replied. Pixie glanced at the ceiling and tapped her fore finger against her lips.

"Well, we've got our magic heavy in Hermione, our tech based armored fighter in Draco, our Captain in Ron, our Wasp in Rita, our unstable genius of unusual size in Hagrid," she said as she ticked them off on her fingers. "We've even got our obligatory cosmic powered hero in Cedric."

"And I'm the Hulk, and you're Stabby Mutant Girl," Harry finished for her.

"I still prefer Pixie," she reminded him. "But who's our wise cracking agility hero?"

"Oh, don't worry about that," Harry told her. "Wonder-Mutant-Dad's been stealing magic items for a month now. He'll be so empowered that he might...well, let's just say that it's awesome in the same sense that Hagrid considers critters as cuddly."

The look of fear on Pixie's was one that would go on in legend. Harry just looked at her with confusion.

"What?" he asked. "What did I say?"

* * *

Next time: Other things happen!

Oh, and the Beatles were the inspiration for the little ditty. 'Tis a nice tune. Sing it to "Let It Be." Or "Letter B" if you're more of a public televison kid.


	44. He's been jammed

**He's been jammed.

* * *

**

"Aaaaaveeeee Mariiiaah," Harry sang, his voice echoing in the great hall. The Hogwarts students paused as they saw the strange young man belting out opera serenades in a voice that could cause Godric Gryffindor himself to commit suicide.

"Why is Harry singing opera? er, make that screeching opera like a drunken owl with a speech impediment on Karaoke night?" Hermione asked Pixie. She had decided to come along to Hogwarts since Harry said it would be months before the next Massive Crossover Event, whatever that meant.

"He said it's because we got put up on ," Pixie told her fellow super-heroine. She pulled out a little piece of paper and handed it to the bushy haired girl. "Here. This is the address he gave me. Don't know what it's for, but he seemed to think it's important."

" http: / tvtropes DOT Org / pmwiki / pmwiki DOT Php / Fanfic / ThinkingInLittleGreenBoxes COMMA Thanks Fyrewyre? How do you think in a box? And even if you could, why would you think in a colored one?" Hermione asked, clearly confused. She winced as Harry belted out a version of Funiculi Funicula in a Yiddish accent. Pixie ignored her boyfriend and shrugged.

"Don't ask me," Pixie said. "I'm just passing along what he handed me."

"Fair enough," Hermione admitted. "So how do you feel about the whole Magic Avengers thing?"

"Not that much different from being an X-Man," the mutant super-heroine stated. "Better I guess. This way people aren't trying to kill me for being a mutant."

"But they're trying to kill you for being a half-fey muggleborn instead," Hermione pointed out.

"Hey, they might be bigots, but at least its a change from giant robots and psychopathic Russians with demon infested alternate dimensions," Pixie said with an innocent shrug. "And Harry said I couldn't die in this story, because Marvel had a mini-series with my name on it. Whatever that means."

"I guess you've got me there," Hermione agreed. "So I've been wondering..."

"-Is Harry really a mutant?" Pixie finished for her.

"Yep. Is he?" Hermione asked.

Pixie just shrugged. "Nobody knows!"

Hermione felt physical pain as Harry decided to sing "Carmen" from beginning to end, but in an impeccable Gilbert Godfrey impression.

"Why are you dating him?" Granger asked. "He's clearly insane and a danger to everyone around him."

"He's cute, he's sweet and he's insane enough so that the only possible competition I've got is with women who don't want anything to do with him," Pixie admitted. "And he's cute."

"You're dating him _because_ he's insane?"

"And because he's cute," Pixie nodded. She shrugged with a blushing smile. "He's never boring."

* * *

"Thank you all for coming once again to our hourly staff meeting," Albus Dumbledore said with twinkles in his eyes, a mysterious grin on his face and a playful twirl of his beard.

"Headmaster, while I appreciate your dedication to our students, why are we having hourly meetings?" Professor Flitwick asked. Dumbledore smirked and passed over a copy of the faculty by-laws. "'Any professor may be replaced if they miss 15 staff meetings.' Albus, why is this written in Harry Potter's handwriting?"

"That couldn't possibly be Harry's handwriting as that is the official copy of the Faculty By-Laws," Dumbledore said in an oh-so-innocent voice. "And we all know that Harry Potter isn't a student at Hogwarts, so it couldn't possible be his handwriting."

"Ah, and at this point Umbridge has already missed twelve meetings," Snape said with a smile. "Well done professor. Well done."

"Who are you considering for replacements?" Pomona Sprout asked warmly. She wasn't afraid to show her displeasure with the fascist Deloris Umbridge. Fascism _was_, after all, just an extension of the capitalist bourgeois and had no place in a true Marxist society.

"Harry Potter was quite willing to collect a few CVs for me based on my previous hiring practices," Dumbledore said as he handed out a few pieces of parchment. "Perhaps we should review them first."

**

* * *

DOCTOR VICTOR VON DOOM!**

DOOM! is the leader of Latveria and is one of the candidates for the next Sorcerer Supreme. He will crush his enemies, see them driven before him and hear the lamentations of the LMDs.

Qualifications: Advanced degrees in physics, world domination, and evil plots, and comes from a long line of magic users. Very strict on misbehavior.

Possible Drawback: runs a nation and that might interfere with his ability to teach on a regular basis.

**

* * *

Baron Karl Mordo**

Transylvanian count. Trained by the Ancient One along side Dr. Stephen Strange and has tried repeatedly to kill them both. Currently Deceased due to cancer.

Qualifications: Trained under the previous Sorcerer Supreme. Reoccurring villain.

Possible Drawback: Currently Deceased. Temporarily redeemed.

**

* * *

Wanda Maximoff**

Daughter of the Mutant Terrorist Magneto, she was raised by the High Evolutionary and then given to gypsies. She became a mutant with probability powers. Then she improbably became empowered by chaos magic. Then the probable happened and she became insane and killed a lot of people by accidentally on purpose. Later on she depowered about 90% of the mutants on Earth except for the really cool people like Harry Potter. Currently sane, depowered and hot in that really conservative, all covered up way. Living with Agatha Harkness maybe, but had an affair with someone she killed (Clint Barton).

Qualifications: Really smart. Nice person. Only occasionally insane. Has an awesome dad. Is able to make those hard decisions.

Possible Drawback: Cthon wants her in a not so nice way. Currently depowered until she feels like not being depowered.

**

* * *

Selene Gallio**

Born 17 thousand years ago in what is now central Europe, she's had plenty of time to learn things like magic and stuff. Over the ages she has become quite experienced with human sacrifice and defeating nasty guys like Kulan Gath. Used to hang around with Red Sonja when Marvel still had the license for RE Howard's stuff. She's immortal, she's immoral, she's evil and is currently the Black Queen of the Hellfire Club and working on a plan to resurrect dead mutants to make a mutant zombie army and have a whole bunch of dead people walking around. 'Nuff said!

Qualifications: 17,000 years of experience with mystical and mysterious stuff. Evil.

Possible Drawback: Wears practically nothing and it's cold in Scotland in the winter, but she was born during the last ice age, so that might not be a problem.

**

* * *

Nico Minoru**

After discovering that her parents with part of the Pack, a group of LA based secret super-villains, she and her friends took off, stealing the Staff of the One. She later had a number of adventures that include, but aren't limited to: dating a would-be super-villain, nearly making out with a vampire, cutting herself a lot for magical reasons, and running away.

Qualifications: Comes with instant back up in the form of her buddies and fellow runaways. Also rides around in a mechanical toad. She is among the Sorcerer Supreme candidates and has black hair.

Possible Drawback: Not evil.

**

* * *

Dormammu**

By the hory hosts of Hoggoth, this foul creature was born untold thousands or even millions of years ago in the dimension of the vastly powerful energy-entities called the Faltine, those fair creatures of energy and magic. Dormammu and his sibling Umar did gather matter unto themselves to increase their power, a practice anathema to their fellow Faltine, becoming their dimension's mightiest wielders of the arcane arts. Ultimately, they were driven from their home dimension, the Faltine deeming their garnering of such energy intolerable, and did assumed human form to explore other realms. Their search for conquests brought them to the Dark Dimension, a mystic realm riddled with natural warps into pocket universes within the dimension itself. (I copied that from Dr. Strange's diary, yep, that's how he writes.) Occasionally hangs with Dr. Strange.

Qualifications: Knows his stuff and isn't afraid to use it. Irredeemably evil and arrogant. Wants to take over our dimension.

Possible Drawback: Sister is currently stalking the Hulk after their one night stand. Could cause problems.

**

* * *

Illyana Rasputina**

Totally awesome Russian chick with a sword. Kidnapped as a child and taken to Limbo (the dimension, not the dance or party activity), her soul was mostly sucked out to be turned into a way for Belasco to take over Earth. She got better, turned into a teenager, became a total bad-ass with the New Mutants and then became a kid again after getting cut open. Then she died because of the Legacy Virus. Then Wanda Maximoff (see above) gave her a free rez and she had some adventures back in Limbo where the New X-Men visited. Stole some of Pixie's soul and made it into a cute little dagger. More recently took part in the Tri-Wizard tournament.

Qualifications: Successfully dominated an entire dimension as a child and ruled for years. Occasionally evil, but has a killer sense of humor. Walks softly and carries a big glowing sword of magical awesomeness.

Possible Drawback: Over protective older brother probably won't like it when she eventually tries to kill the students.

**

* * *

Agatha Harkness**

Already 500 years old when Atlantis sank, she was and is a total bad-ass, even if she looks like an old lady. She's got a black cat, she's really scary and she's REALLY good with kids.

Qualifications: Thousands of years of experience, a black cat that turns into a badassed demon-cat, massive powerhouse, and looks like an old woman, but that last part's cuz she is really old. Taught me lots of stuff. She's so scary, she makes an angry Minerva look like her animagus form on happy-catnip.

Possible Drawbacks: Occasionally deceased and sometimes takes care of Franklin Richards when his parents are in space or in other planes of existence.

* * *

"Hmmm...So many choices," Albus said to himself.

"Albus! They all sound like horrid people except for Agatha Harkness and the Minoru person! How can you even possibly consider them?" McGonagall demanded in horror.

"Well, they do seem to fit the past hiring practices," Flitwick commented sardonically.

"Okay, I'll grant you that," McGonagall agreed. "But that doesn't mean we can't do better."

"Well...he did say that he had some more suggestions..." Dumbledore said, trailing off.

* * *

"Pika Pika-Pika-pi!" said an officious looking yellow mouse. This translated to "Line up you house-elf rejects!"

The other yellow mice obligingly lined up in twenty-four perfect lines, nine mice deep. Every mouse was outfitted in gear closely resembling that of the allies in preparation for the Normandy assault in the Second World War. They completed the look with bipedal mouse sized rifles and radio equipment. They even had war correspondents and medics with appropriately sized gear. The officious mouse started pacing in front of the others with its hands clasped behind its back.

"Pika! Pi-Pika-pi-pi-Chu!" it said once more. This translated vaguely to: "This is it! The day we've been waiting for! So don't you pussy foot around! We're heading in there and we're gonna win! It don't matter if you see some freak in a black robe with an idiot's Halloween mask, we're gonna plow through them like Ghost Rider's motorcycle in a January snowstorm!"

It should be noted that the yellow electric mouse language is quite concise.

The mouse continued its tirade by puffing out its chest and cheeks, giving itself a look like a mouse impersonating a bulldog, and "pika"ed in a gruff tone. It translated somewhat like this:

"We shall go on to the end,

we shall fight in France,

we shall fight on the seas and oceans,

we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air,

we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be,

we shall fight on the beaches,

we shall fight on the landing grounds,

we shall fight in the fields and in the streets,

we shall fight in the hills;

we shall never surrender!"

Moments later they were on the move. By the time they were done, they had taken about 96% of the death eater owned house elves as prisoners and killed the other 4%. Houses were ransacked, cleared out of everything they could take with them. And seeing as how Harry had supplied them with Bags of Holding and thousands of vials of Shrinking Solution, they took everything but the people and the houses.

All in all, it was a good day to thieve.

* * *

"Blimey! He's still singing!" Ron said in amazement and horror. Hermione looked up at her pink haired teammate and put on her best pleading eyes.

"Please, _please_ make him stop," Hermione begged.

Pixie just shrugged. "He's only half way through the Ring Cycle, so it'll be a while yet," Pixie replied. She glanced over to a familiar noise of flesh and skull hitting wood and stone. "Shouldn't someone keep Malfoy from injuring himself? He's been hitting his head against the walls and table for hours at this point."

Hermione and Ron just shared a long look. Ron shrugged.

"Not like it's gonna make things any worse," he said. "Might even make him a better person."

Draco Malfoy grabbed Crabbe by the lapels and hauled the-bloody-hulking mass down to his eye level.

"Do you know who I am?" Draco demanded. "Do you? DO YOU?"

"Uh, yeah Malfoy, yeah I do," Crabbe said nervously.

"Do you? No! No, you don't!" Draco said as he shook the massive minion with unnatural strength. "Because if you did you'd know that I AM A BANANA! I am a banana, I tell you!"

The rest of the school looked on in horror as the blond boy fell to the ground sobbing. After a long moment when no one said anything, Draco Malfoy got up to his feet, let go of Crabbe and started walking down to the dungeons, not even noticing the massive clang he made with every step.

"Sounds like someone forgot to get out of his costume," Hermione said with a smirk. Ron was about to make a funny remark when Neville gasped in horror.

"Forsooth and Hark! I hath spilled tomato sauce on mine shirt! 'Tis no bother, I shalt just remove yon offending garment," he said before stripping off his soiled shirt. About 80% of the women in the room passed out at the sight of Neville's divine bare chest. Another 10% was left short of breath and panting. The ratio was about 9% to 1% for the men.

Neville never noticed the nebulous noticing of nubile noticers. This negligent notice notified no normal nargles yet neglected newer gnomes.

Luna Lovegood looked on lovingly at Liliputian livery laced and laticed while latched and locked in 'leven loud long leads laced with LSD.

And no, no one else knew what Luna was talking about either.

* * *

**Two hours later:**

"Oh, thank Merlin for all that is blessedly magical and holy," Hermione said as Harry paused in his singing. At the Hufflepuffs table, Cedric Diggory sat up and realized the show was over, promptly removed the magical cotton balls from his ears and a smiled, giving her a wave.

"Thanks Pixie!"

"Any time!" she said, waving back at her friend and teammate. She looked back Hermione, only to see the Crimson Witch living up to her name. Hermione's angry face was the color of her costume. Pixie took a step back in surprise. "What?"

"You-you-you-"

"Go on!"

"Who else did you give those to?"

"Anybody who asked?"

"Consider yourself asked for next time!" Hermione demanded. A moment later, Harry finished his latest opera with a screech that-was-pure-evil, shattering the enchantment of the Great Hall's ceiling and causing darkness. Students screamed as their eyes struggled to adjust to the abrupt low light.

"Hmmm..." Harry said. "I only got two lines this chapter."


	45. War Journal Entries

**War Journal Entries**

* * *

_Punisher's War Journal Entry_

I got a present in the mail for my birthday. It was a new model sniper rifle and a packet of dossiers on a number of Brits dressed in black robes. I almost tossed it until I got to the section on the snake guy. That's one nasty piece of work. Normally I don't range much out of the country, but I'll make an exception in this instance.

I like my prezzies, but I wish he'd given more ammunition. Maybe I'll send this 'Arthur' a nice rocket launcher as a thank you gift. I'll put a bow on it and everything.

* * *

_*Ring! Ring*_

Johnny Blaze got up from bed groggily. He brushed a hand through his hair and pulled the phone up to his ear.

"Blaze," he said in a sleep addled voice.

"Hi, I was wondering if you could help me with a problem in the UK?"

"Uh what?"

"Well, not your help, but Ghost Rider's help. Much innocent blood has been spilled. Well not that much because they mostly use spells that kill without actually harming the body, but much figurative innocent blood has been spilled."

Johnny Blaze wasn't really awake and forgot that he was supposed to have a secret identity. "Oh, that Spirit of Vengeance thing...You want my half-brother Danny Ketch. I'm the _other _Ghost Rider."

"You could still shoot things with your shotgun," the young man on the other end of the line suggested. "Shotguns that shoot hellfire are always awesome."

"Oh," he said still half asleep. "Okay."

"Great! I'll come get you. I'll even enchant your bike so it can fly."

"That sounds great," Blaze said, fully believing the bizarre conversation to be a dream.

With that, Johnny Blaze fell back asleep, only to wake up in a strange alley, surrounded by weirdos wearing robes and stupid hats. His bike was hovering three feet to his left and three feet off the ground. That was going to be a bitch to mount.

* * *

"Okay, I've enacted two phases of my plan to defeat the Rodent of Death," Harry gleefully announced to the Order of the Phoenix. The members sighed and leaned back; he had found them AGAIN! How did he keep doing this?

"What?" Dumbledore asked confused. He didn't even hear the boy appear. A quick glance around the table showed the other members were equally confused and even a little alarmed. "Oh, yes, for those of you who weren't here last time, this is Harry Potter."

"Oh, he's just a boy, he shouldn't be here," said a slightly familiar woman who Harry hadn't seen in about forty chapters. Harry promptly shot her with a tazer. "_**AAAHGEG**_!"

"Great, now that introdu-" Harry was cut off by an angry husband.

"Mollywobbles? What did you do to my wife?"

"I tazed her. She was being annoying. She'll wake up later with a buzz and some residual pain, but otherwise unharmed," Harry explained. "And now, I need your help enacting the next phase of my plan."

"And what would that be little boy?" asked a redheaded woman with a fancy badge.

"These!" Harry said as he pulled out a poster of a smiling Voldemort with two thumbs up, wearing a cap and a black and white striped shirt. The woman's hair turned a curious blue, but Harry didn't seem to notice.

"This is your poster?" asked Remus Lupin. "And how is this going to help?"

"What's that rune on his cap?" asked Diggle. "I don't recognize it."

"It's a symbol of pure evil, well recognized in the States," Harry said.

"It looks like an N superimposed on a Y," mused Dumbledore.

"Exactly," Harry said. "Now I need people to put these up anywhere Americans might see them."

"That's all? No dangerous missions? No death defying stunts?"

"No, that's what super-villains and rent-a-minions are for," Harry said. "I just got a deal with the HYDRA axillary for more, too. Bob's good people."

* * *

**Three Days Later:**

"Mr. President! Mr. President!" the aide said as he burst into the Oval office.

"Yes?" said the man.

"New England is almost empty! So are Chicago and Baltimore!"

"What do you mean?" the president asked in horror.

"Everybody left for the UK! They took their baseball bats with them!" the aide exclaimed frantically.

"Hmm...what happened?"

"We think it had something to do with this poster, sir," the aide said, pulling out a poster of a snake man wearing a Yankee's uniform. The title said: Death Eaters love the Yankees. Don't let the Death Eater's win!

"Hmm...I think a state visit to the UK is in order," the president said. When the aide left to make arrangements, the president slipped into his wife's office. "Honey? Where'd I leave my baseball bat?"

* * *

"Wait a minute," Pixie said later. "You grew up in New York!"

"Well, yeah, but I'm a Mets fan," Harry corrected. "Now will you help me put these 'Voldemort hates Football' posters up around the UK? We need to support local teams too."

* * *

In totally unrelated news, Voldemort kept having inexplicable bolts of pure fear running through him. Maybe it was the chili?

* * *

_Punisher's War Journal Entry_

Death Eaters die easily. I snapped four shots off and they didn't even consider a sniper on the roof. I'm starting to wonder if they're all that competent.

The sniper rifle is better than I thought. It's been modified somehow to eliminate kick and is as light as a feather. Now if only I could have a Vulcan Cannon modified this way.

* * *

"May I have your attention please?" Dumbledore asked the school, standing at the staff table. "I would like to announce that we have a new interim Defense Against the Dark Arts professor who is taking time out of his busy schedule to help us along. Please give a round of applause to Dr. Victor Von Doom."

Doom took a step out and nodded in nobless obliges to his new students.

Pixie turned to her boyfriend with a look of confusion, horror and disappointment wrapped all into one. "Why didn't they pick Nico Minoru?"

Harry shrugged. "She probably wasn't evil enough for them, but she was probably a better choice for a teacher."

"Wait, isn't Dr. Doom the tyrant of Latveria? Isn't he a mass murderer?" Hermione Granger asked.

"So was Voldemort, and Dumbledore hired him five years ago," Harry said. "At least Doom's got the cool factor. The Rodent's just a jerk in a snake suit."

"There is something wrong with your logic, but I'm not sure it's worth the effort to argue," she replied.

"That's probably a good policy," Pixie said. She turned to where their teammate was crying into his pudding. "What's with Draco? I didn't know anybody could have that many tears in their body. You'd think he'd be going dry."

"He's not very pleased to be a super-heroine," Ron said. Hermione looked ready to correct him about hero/heroine, but decided it wasn't worth it. Ron didn't seem to notice as he prattled on. "Not that I blame him, not everybody can be as awesome as Captain Hogwarts."

"I know! Captain Hogwarts is so hot!" Ginny Weasley said.

"I'm gonna go puke now," Ron announced, turning a nasty shade of green as he staggered out the doors.

"At least he made it to the hallway this time," Hermione said. Harry looked confused. "Harry?"

"What's that?" he asked, pointing at the redheaded girl sitting next to him.

"She's Ginny, Ron's sister," Hermione said, more than a little confused. "You've met her before."

"No, I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've laid eyes on it," Harry argued. "I'm quite sure it's the first time it's appeared in this fic."

"What?" Hermione asked, even more confused. She turned to Pixie for an explanation.

Pixie just shook her head. "It's one of those 4th wall things. Just ignore him and everything will be fine."

"That seems like a sound policy."

* * *

"In today's class we will be building plasma disintegration cannons," Doom announced. He glanced up to notice a bushy haired girl raising her hand. "Yes, who dares interrupt Doom?"

"Uh, Hermione Granger, sir, I was just wondering what you were doing with our text, or if we would be learning any spells? Our last professor was completely incompetent," the girl pointed out.

"Not today," Doom announced in his loud, hollow voice that demanded no opposition. "Soon, Doom shall instruct you in the true power of Sorcery! But first-plasma disintegration cannons."

Doom gave very specific instructions, having written them on the board and started wandering through the desks. "Very good Mr. Potter. I can see this is not your first time creating weapons of directed destruction."

"Well, I don't make them that often, but dad always said it's an important skill to have," Harry agreed. "His skill is named Weasel."

"Minion?"

"Of sorts, I'm going for a more hands on approach," Harry agreed.

"You have pleased Doom," the new professor intoned ominously. "Carry on."

* * *

_Punisher's War Journal Entry_

I've been tracking a death eater by the name of Lucius Malfoy in the hopes that he will lead me to the snake. This far I haven't been successful. He seems overly weary, which seems to be primarily due to the large number of non-magicals hunting him. He's escaped them three times, but will probably walk with a limp for the rest of his short life. Football hooligans seem to have taken special attention to him after he tortured three of them. They make my job more difficult, but at least I'm not the one getting overwhelmed.

I don't think I've seen that many Red Sox fans in one place since the last time they made it to the World Series.

I saw the posters too. I think it's time this Voldemort learns I'm a Met's fan.

* * *

"Who dares disturb Doom's Office Hours?" the tyrant demanded from behind his desk as he graded the work on the plasma disintegration cannons. Not total failures, but still needed much work. Only Granger, Gwynn and Potter created anything of value, but that was to be expected.

"I, Luna Lovegood, disturb Doom's Office Hours," the tiny blonde girl said in a tough manner.

"What can Doom do for you, Miss Lovegood?"

"I was hoping for some extra credit helping to build legions of Doom," she said. "Daddy said exposable minions who won't join the Rotfang conspiracy are very important and you can't trust people. People hunt crumple horned snorkaks you know."

"Hmmm...Dr. Doom _has_ been considering taking on another apprentice..."

* * *

**Next time:** Stuff happens!


	46. Snakes and Chimichangas

**Snakes and Chimichangas**

* * *

**DEADPOOL'S NOTE:** Secretively stealthy sneaking, Harry and Wade peeked around the corner of the page and peered out through the mass of text on the webpage.

"It's been months, do you think we finally lost the readers?" Harry asked his dad.

"No, see that big arrow right there? That's a cursor, clear sign that they're tracking us as we speak," Deadpool said, pointing to the pointy arrow on the screen.

"Damn, I'd have thought that they would have lost interest after a few months," Harry cursed, snapping his fingers in aggravation.

"These readers are pretty damn persistent. Hell, they've watched me for hundreds of issues at this point," Deadpool reminded his adopted son. "They even read the issues that only focused on Nate."

"What is Daddy Cable doing these days?"

"Not sure, probably doing some stupid time travel thing," the Merc with a Mouth mused. "Probably something to do with mutants."

"You know, we should probably get back to the story," Harry commented. "I mean, that Umbridge woman's been in the Box for a few months now, and I haven't given her any food."

"So?"

"Just saying. The readers want her tortured more," Harry explained.

"I thought they wanted me to show up more?"

"That too," Harry agreed.

"Right."

…

…

"So, story?"

"Right, story."

"Oh, wait," Harry said.

"What's up?" Deadpool asked as he cleaned his doorknobs.

"I think murmurmurmuph means something," Harry pondered.

"Oh, that's just the Author trying to say that no ownership is claimed over the Golden Girls," Deadpool translated.

"I know it had to be said, but it's always so disappointing," Harry said.

…

…

"So, story?"

"Right, story."

* * *

It was a dark and stormy night. Not because a certain Weather Wielding Mutant was visiting, but because it was windsday, and a rather blustery windsday at that. This is, however, not to be confused with Wednesday, which is a totally different thing. Deep in the bowls of Hogwarts, that on this particularly dark and stormy night resembled less the oasis of magical education in Britain and more a place where Dracula and Strahd would hang, a mad scientist and his new apprentice were having a special session.

"No, Apprentice Luna, you're doing it wrong," the good doctor said. Holding his gauntletted hand up to the sky, he timed it perfectly so he was silhouetted by lightning from a window just as he let loose a bolt of maniacal laughter. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Like that, now you try."

"Oh, I suppose that could work," Luna said. "but I was thinking more of an OH-HOHOHOHOHOHO! Because it's more feminine."

"Hmmm..." Doom said, stroking his armored jaw in thought. "It _does_ have potential."

* * *

**Punisher's War Journal**

I finally gave up tracking Malfoy. He kept teleporting out of the range of my tracker. So instead, I took a more direct approach. Disguising myself as a member of football hooligan mob riot, I was able to get close enough to beat him with a cricket bat and break his knees. After which, I took him to an undisclosed location and had a chat. It took some time, we both needed him to realize his arrogance was grossly unfounded. After I had dealt with that problem, I helped him get a few things off his chest. I'm sure the guilt was getting to him. Or maybe it was the blow torch.

* * *

"Peanut brittle," Harry said.

"What?" the rest of the class asked.

"Harry! That doesn't have anything to do with potions!" Hermione was quick to point out.

"... … ...so?"

In the months between the author being lazy and busy and ill (but mostly lazy) not much had happened in the Wizarding world. Granted there were minor things, like the break out of Azkaban, but that hadn't helped the Death Eaters much, since the Rodent of Death couldn't send out a team without them getting brutalized by hooligans and Red Sox fans. The occasional Cubs and Mets fan helped out too. So, not much else happened until in the middle of potions, Harry leaned back and said the name of a popular holiday candy.

* * *

However, the gears were turning with the Rodent of Death. His plans to strike fear and mistrust weren't working like they did last time, but he had a new plan.

"Bellatrix," the Rodent of Death commanded. Instantly, his faithful psychopath was at his side. "I have a cunning plan."

"Oh, what is it, oh great dark lord?"

"The Muggle Loving Fool-"

"Who?"

"Dumbledore."

"Oh, right, sorry, there's a lot of muggle loving fools," Bellatrix explained. "I get confused sometimes."

"No worries," Tommy said, brushing the interruption away. "But Dumbledore had managed to counter my movements thus far. However, I'm sure his star pupil, Potter will know his plans."

"Are you going to capture him and torture him?" Bellatrix asked with almost orgasmic glee.

"Uh, no, I'm just going to use the connection we have through his scar to read his mind," the Rodent of Death replied, a little confused by her reaction. She looked way to depressed at his methods. Maybe he should have chosen a different right hand. "Now, Bellatrix, you must watch over me while I do so."

"Oh, certainly my dear snaky dark lord!"

And with that, Tommy-Boy leaned back in his throne and closed his eyes. There was a moment of stillness, and then a moment of shuddering that could have been a small seizure, and then he relaxed and smiled.

"Did it work?" Bellatrix asked eagerly. Voldemort swept down and pulled her into a hug with a big, warm grin across his face. "What huh?"

"_Thank you for being a friend,"_ Tommy sang. "_Traveled down the road and back again."_

"Lord are you okay?" Bella asked in clear concern.

"_You're heart is true, you're a friend and confidant!"_

"Are you sure you don't want to sit down?"

"_And if you through a party,"_ The Rodent of Death continued, "_Invited everyone you ever knew, You would see the biggest gift would be from me, And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend."_

"My Lord, I'm just going to head over to St. Mungo's and kidnap a few mind healers, because I suspect you may need one," Bellatrix commented.

* * *

"Ladies, Gentlemen, and Students," Dumbledore said at dinner one night. "I have an announcement to make." It took some time, but eventually everyone quieted down. "I regret to inform you-"

"Did Umbridge escape?" asked one student.

"No," Dumbledore said. "What I have to say is-"

"Does it have something to do with Doctor Doom having the week off to fight the Fantastic Four?" asked another.

"No, nothing to do with that, either," Dumbledore said. "No, actually we've had a staff member retire."

"Was it Snape?" asked Ron.

"Of course it wasn't me, you fool!" Snape snarled. Various noises of disappointment followed that statement.

"No, it was Filch," Dumbledore said quickly, trying to finish what he was saying. However, as soon as the words passed his lips, cheering went up and it took nearly three hours for the celebrations to settle down. However, when it finally did end, Dumbledore did inform them that the replacement was found. "No, the new caretaker of Hogwarts isn't here right now, but he'll be joining us soon. Some of you might remember him from a picnic four years ago."

Just then, a familiar voice called out at some boys shooting off fireworks.

"GEDDOFF MY LAWN!"

And Wade Wilson ran after the Weasley twins wearing his mask, some overalls and a flannel shirt while wielding a pitchfork.

Pixie gawked at the signed, turned and gaped at her boyfriend.

"What the hell was that?"

"That was Wonder-Mutant-Dad's new secret identity," Harry quickly replied.

"That's not secret," Pixie pointed out. "He's wearing his mask in public. Anyone with half a brain would recognize him!"

"You're forgetting what society we're in," Harry pointed out. "I just published this in the Prophet."

Harry held up a front page of the magical British newspaper that had the headline: "**Wonder-Mutant-Dad is most certainly _NOT_ the new janitor at Hogwarts.**" Pixie facepalmed and sighed. Hermione nodded and put a kind hand on her shoulder.

"The sad part is," Hermione commented, "That will probably work."

* * *

At Yule, the Weasley Twins had the opportunity to try talking on the tellyfun (when they reported this, they were quickly corrected and that it was a telephone, but they still thought tellyfun was cooler). Normally for a pureblood, this wasn't something to brag about, but for the twins, it brought about some very important news.

"Fred and George," the Stepford Cuckoos said in unison over the tellyfun. "We have some very important news."

While the redheaded trouble twins were used to the normal surround-sound unison of their girlfriends' voice (or voices, they were never really sure if they were supposed to use the singular or the plural with the Three-In-One), there was something...disturbing in the tones of their girlfriends'.

"Yes, Loves-" Fred began.

"What is it?" George finished.

"We're pregnant with twins."

The silence was deafening.

"What was that love?" both Weasleys asked in unison.

"We're pregnant with twins."

"When you say that-"

"-Do you mean one of you-

"No," the Cuckoos interrupted. "We are each pregnant with identical twins."

The two Weasley twins fell backwards in a dead faint.

On the other end of the line, the Stepford Cuckoos, all three very pregnant turned as one to look at a certain women. "It occurred exactly as you said it would, Mrs. Weasley."

"Of course it did," Mrs. Weasley said pulling them into a big group hug. But after a short while the older woman's mask broke and she started to cackle evilly. "BWAHA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"

"We are confused," said the Cuckoos. "Why are you laughing?"

"Because after eighteen years, REVENGE IS FINALLY MINE! BWAHA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" The redheaded woman cackled in a laugh that would give even most practiced Silver Age mad scientist supervillain pause. "They say a mother's greatest revenge is when their children have children, and a long last Revenge is mine! Eighteen years of pranks and disobedience! Eighteen years of Skiving Snackboxes and Canary Cremes! If Karma means _anything_, your children will be just like their fathers! TAKE _THAT _FRED AND GEORGE! BWAHA-ha-HA-ha-HA-ha-HA-ha-HA-ha-HA-ha-HA-ha-HA-ha-HA-ha-HA-ha-HA!"

So caught up in her revenge was Molly Weasley, she never noticed the mothers of her grandchildren slowly backing towards the door in fear. It would be some time before the Cuckoos would be comfortable in her presence.

* * *

Voldemort sat up and looked around. His head throbbed like, well, like something that hurt so much he couldn't think of an analogy. But, hey, he was a wizard and little things like literary intelligence and awareness meant little to those kinds of people.

"My Lord!" Bellatrix asked as she rushed to his bedside. "You-you're not going to start singing again are you?"

He looked up at her in surprise. "I was singing? Why would I be singing?"

"It was just after you tried to use your link to Potter's mind," she reminded him. And then it all came flooding back.

"Ugh," Voldemort said as he massaged his brain through his eyeballs. "Go get me a healer, some extra strength pain numbing potion and a chimichanga."

"A what?" Bellatrix asked. "I've never heard of a chimney-china."

"No, it's a chimichanga," Voldemort replied. "And I'm not even sure if I really want one, I just like saying the name: chimichanga, chimichanga, chimichanga - OH DEAR LORD, HE'S INFECTED ME! Bellatrix, you have to go find an obliviator! You have to erase everything up to the point I entered Potter's mind!"

Bellatrix's eyes went wide and nodded. It seemed to her like it should have been the other way around, but Bella wasn't a minion to question the Dark Lord's orders.

"Potter's mind must be a truly terrible place," she muttered as she ran off to kidnap a few people from the ministry. But she paused and a tear fell down her face. It was clear her Lord no longer valued her as much as he once did. He kept talking in his sleep about Bea Arthur.

* * *

"And now class, you shall learn the _TRUE _POWER OF SORCERY!" Professor Doctor Victor von Doom announced. He posed with a gauntlet held upwards as if to crush the world in his grasp. "You have learned many things these past few years, but only now shall you truly delve into powers that your magics have only touched on."

Clapping met his pronouncement, and Doom turned to look at his apprentice. "That was way better than the last one," Luna commented with a bubbly laugh. "I really like how you emphasized 'True' more than 'Sorcery' this time. Your students will cower under your presence."

"You really think so?" Doom asked his young apprentice. "Doom has considered this before, but it has never been an issue."

"It's only your first time teaching, so it's perfectly understandable that you'd be a little nervous," Luna encouraged. "You did well with the Plasma Disintegration Cannons."

"Well, yes, but I've been building them since I was five," Doom said, brushing off her praise. "What do you think about a field trip to Counter-Earth? We could take it over as a demonstration?"

"OOO GOODIE!" Luna squealed in delight. "Can I be governor of Counter-Antarctica?"

"Only if you promise to impose my Dinosaur breeding program," Doom countered. Luna ran up an gave him a hug.

"You're the best mentor ever," she told him. "Can I give the dinosaurs laser vision?"

"But of course! Why wouldn't you?"

* * *

**NEXT TIME:** We're makin' Waffles! (Note: No actual waffles will be made in the next chapter).


	47. Z-List Heroes and a Secret Invasion

**Angry Horses, Z-List Heroes and a Secret Invasion**

* * *

The Magic Avengers were sitting in a room in an abandoned tower of Hogwarts in their full regalia. On the door was a sign that said: "_No trespassing, totally secret, super-awesome ultimate mega Super-Hero meeting in progress." _On either side of the door stood Crabbe or Goyle, but since they were so much alike, few were sure which was which. Many doubted that even those two were really sure which was which.

Inside, Arthur Bea Wilson paced back and forth until the sun was streaming in the window, allowing him to steeple his fingers and let the sun reflect off his glasses, making the perfect Gendo Ikari impression.

"It has come to my attention..." Arthur said, pausing for dramatic...effect... … "That Albus Dumbledore has been replaced by... a _**Skrull**_."

There were gasps around the table.

"No it can't be!"

"Oh no!"

"Wait, what's a Skrull?" asked Aluminum Lad.

"Aliens from another galaxy that want nothing better than to enslave the human race," Pixie explained. "They can take anyone's shape, and some can even copy powers."

"But shouldn't we have seen this?" the Crimson Witch asked.

"All the signs are there," Arthur said. "He's been avoiding me. In fact, the other day when I randomly appeared in his office while he was fiddling with his devices, he didn't even offer me a lemondrop!"

That prompted another round of gasps a the table. It could have been prompted by either part of his statement, but the idea that the Headmaster wouldn't even try to push his favorite sweet was a telling clue.

"Wait," Aluminum Lad said. "What's an alien?"

Pixie spent a few hours explaining the solar system, basic astrophysics and extraterrestrial life. Aluminum Lad didn't really understand, or believe she was telling the truth, but he nodded and pretended to agree ( but _everyone_ knew that whole "earth revolving around the sun" crap was pure mudblood propaganda). His nodding was only noticeable since his eyes could be seen through the crack in his costume between the trashcan and the lid, causing the lid to clang with his nod.

"Okay, so what proof do you really have that he's a Skrull?" The Beetle asked, her special quill taking the notes.

"It's all there: the avoidance; the refusal to speak with me after spending about four or five years practically hanging off my every word; the attention to my life to the point of borderline stalking; the insistence on not meeting my eyes, something that's important for politeness; he sees me in the hall and pretends I don't exist," Arthur explained. "He has clearly been replaced by someone, or some_THING_ that doesn't know how the real Albus Dumbledore would act. Ergo, Skrull."

* * *

"So, there I was, in bed, and I got this call," Johnny Blaze said at the pub. "Granted I was half asleep when I answered, but still, next thing I know I'm in London! Now, that's just not polite!"

"I know, I totally know what you mean," said the man's drunken drinking partner. "Hey, did you know you're heads on fire? That must make it hard to drink."

The Ghost Rider looked at the Minister of Magic, shook his head and ordered another firewhiskey.

* * *

_**Punisher's War Journal**_

_Malfoy wasn't talking. He was remarkable in his ability to resist pain and torture. So I had to bring in a ringer from the mean streets of New York City. He might have the blues, but he gets things done._

* * *

Lucius was beaten bloody, his eyes almost swollen shut, his legs broken and splinted, but he wouldn't talk. His knee caps were cracked, only to be healed with a pilfered potion and cracked again, but still he wouldn't talk. He was beaten, burned, frozen and thawed, but still he wouldn't talk.

Then it stopped.

Lucius opened one bleary eye and glanced across the dimly lit room to the door as a giant silhouette appeared from the brightly lit hallway. His eyes were so swollen that he couldn't get a good look as the new interrogator sat down in a chair across from him. His interrogator waved something under his nose. It smelled like...chocolate? And macadamia nuts? A cookie?

"Hello Lucy," a gruff, gravely voice said. "You know what Cookie starts with? Cookie starts with C."

He paused as if to wait for Lucy to say something. Lucy didn't say anything because the Death Eater was more than a little befuddled by the comment.

Lucius looked up to see the creature across from him for the first time. Blue fur sticking out every which way; two googly eyes that seemed to look at everything in the room at once; two big paws; and a gaping black maw.

"Did you know that if you round off an L it look a little like a C?" the monster asked. "And L is for Lucy." The monster looked him right in the eye and pointed at Lucius, then at the cookie in its hand. "And do you know what happen to Cookies?"

Lucius just looked back in horror.

The monster paused a moment more. "But it's important to remember that Cookie is a sometimes food," the monster across from him said, getting close enough that Lucius could smell the cookie on its breath. "You eat Cookie after eating other nutritious foods, like Death Eater!"

"But I've told you people! I'm magically forbidden to talk!"

"NOM! NOM! NOM! NOM! NOM!" The monster said as it devoured the helpless snack. "That what happen to Cookies what don't talk."

Lucius' blood curdling scream could be heard three blocks away.

* * *

**_Punisher's War Journal_**

_He's lucky I didn't have to pull in the Swede._

* * *

Back at Hogwarts:

"But couldn't he have been replaced by some other kind of shapechanger?" The Crimson Witch asked. "We have several other kinds of magical beings in place, and it could just be polyjuice potion."

"Nope, it's a Skrull," Arthur said stubbornly. "And I've got proof!"

"Arthur, this had better not be like the proof you gave that Apocalypse was actually just an old guy in a suit with a blue smile," Pixie said.

"Hey! I was right about that! It's not my fault the writers decided to retcon his origin! Totally not my fault!"

"Do we want to know?" Cedric, AKA Captain Magical Marvel asked Neville.

"Nay, most certainly not, for it hath a painful effect on thy psyche," Neville replied. "What say thee, Friend Captain?"

Ron, AKA, Captain Hogwarts, looked up in surprise.

"Huh, you say something?" he asked. "Sorry, I was busy polishing my shield."

"Ron, there be some things yeh jus' don' do at a meetin'," Half-Giant-Man, AKA Hagrid, told the red-head. He leaned over to whisper into the Beetle's ear. "I learned that when I brough' me blast-ended skrutes to a meetin' once. Albus Dumbledore was none too pleased. Good man, Dumbledore."

The Beetle, AKA Rita Skeeter, looked slightly afraid. "Uh, that's nice...let's get back to the Skrull. What do Skrulls look like?"

Arthur Bea Wilson reached under the desk and pulled up a well beaten green person with a funky chin and green pointed ears. It was dressed in a form fitting purple costume and nothing else. "I found this one masquerading as NFL-SuperPro!"

"Who?"

"Z-List Superhero that the writer made up to get free tickets to an American Football game, true story," Arthur explained, but he glanced down at his captive. "Although...maybe NFL SuperPro was a Skrull all along, it could explain the poor choice of costume... And theme... and pretty much the entire concept... although Skrulls are usually a bit better at infiltration..."

"How did you find out about NFL-er that guy?" Captain Magical Marvel asked.

"Wonder-Mutant-Dad got bored and decided to thin the herd a little," Arthur explained. Pixie just facepalmed at what that statement could really mean.

"Speaking of your father, where is he?" The Crimson Witch asked.

"He's in the process of adding something to the school menu."

* * *

In the Hogwarts Kitchen:

"Chimichanga, chimichanga, chimichanga!"

"But what is being _in_ a chimichanga?" Dobby asked.

"I don't really know, I just like saying the word: chimichanga, chimichanga, chimichanga," Deadpool replied before pausing to snap his fingers while he looked at the readers suspiciously. That suspicion quickly passed when he got a new idea. "_Hey_! Let's fill the entire Great Hall with pancakes!"

"What kind?"

"How about jalapeno?"

"Okayses!"

"And why don't we send twice as many to my buddy Logan?"

"AOK!"

* * *

The Crimson Witch massaged her temples.

"I've got a _**bad**_ feeling about this..." she said tiredly. "What's happening with the War Against Voldemort?"

"I've got someone on it."

* * *

_**Punisher's War Journal**_

_I've finally figured out how to bypass the defenses of Voldemort's hideout. It was actually easier than dealing with the Mob, since Death Eaters aren't quite as good as taking pain as they are dishing it out. They also have absolutely no experience or talent for psychological warfare or interrogation, rather they just choose to cast a few spells and expect things to work. They also don't expect people to be able to dodge. They called me a muggle, whatever that means, I called them target practice._

_Lucius Malfoy has finally been very forthcoming about his "Dark Lord's" plan for taking over magical Britain. The guy is D-List at best. He thinks small, and seems to believe that the rest of the nation will just bend over and take it. He spent plenty of cash greasing palms, but now he's being converted into fertilizer for the Queen's gardens._

_Mother always said learning to mulch was important._

_I'm planning my assault tomorrow night to coincide with the plans to break the rest of the minions from Azkaban. A little bit of hair and one of these magic potions, I'll walk right in. Those Death Eaters won't even know I'm there until I start filling them full of holes._

* * *

"So, yeah, the Rodent issue is taken care of," Arthur Bea Wilson replied. "Now getting back to the Skrullbus Dumbledore, we need to plan our attack."

"You can't just attack the Headmaster! He's the most powerful wizard in the world!" The Beetle (Rita Skeeter) protested.

"I think Doctor Stephen Strange would take offense at that statement," Pixie muttered under her breath.

"Doctor Who?" The Bug asked.

"No, Dr. Strange," Pixie repeated. "The Sorcerer Supreme, the greatest spellcaster on the planet. Or this dimension, it gets a little fuzzy sometimes."

"You really shouldn't make up stuff like that," Rita criticized. Incredulous faces abounded at the statement.

"We're not going to get too deeply into that subplot because this story has too many main characters as it is and the Author is getting annoyed with keeping up all the plot lines," Arthur explained. "I think the Author shouldn't have written them in with us, in the first place, but it wasn't my decision, being a fictional character and all."

The other Magic Avengers glanced at each other for a moment. "Riiight."

"So, Albus is a Skrull?" The Crimson Witch said, changing the subject.

"Yes, so we need to arrange things so Jessica reveals his Skrullocity to the world, which may take some doing," Arthur stated. "I'd consider bringing in some specialists on the subject, but well, my previous statement about too many main characters still stands."

He paused a moment in thought.

"I'm seriously considering trade marking 'Skrullocity' as a word," he mused.

* * *

It was a dark and stormy night. That it was night was to be expected as that happens once per turn of the earth, however, it was stormy because two mad scientist super-villains had created a device that was specifically designed to create theme lightning at properly dramatic moments. It also made the sound of an angry horse every time someone said the name "Blucher" but that was a glitch that would be eliminated with the 1.1234 patch update to come later that month.

Deep in the forgotten bowels of the Castle Hogwarts came the blood curdling cry of "It's alive! Alive!"

Luna Lovegood threw her hands into the sky as she watched her cybernetically reanimated puffskine rise up from the slab. "OH-HO-HO-HO-HO!"

She cackled with glee at the monstrosity she had created. From suitably dark shadows, her mad-scientist/super-villain mentor clapped lightly, the sound creating clangs that echoed throughout the dungeon.

"WELL DONE, MY APPRENTICE," DOOM intoned as he raised a gauntleted palm towards the sky dramatically. "WE ARE NOW DONE WITH PHASE ONE OF YOUR TRAINING! SOON DOOM SHALL INTRODUCE YOU TO **TRUE** POWER!"

Lightning flashed dramatically behind him at the perfect moment.

"HAVE YOU DECIDED WHAT YOUR SPECIAL PROJECT WILL BE, MY APPRENTICE?" DOOM asked.

"Well, I considered a mind control ray, but you said that anything having to deal with mind control just instantly summons the most powerful mental heroes within a few miles, so I scrapped that idea," Luna explained. "Then I went for something a little less grand: an orbiting satellite with a big honken laser pointed at Earth." She shrugged. "I figure it can be used to hold the planet hostage or to just have fun shooting at Death Eaters." She looked up at the no-so-good Doctor with a puzzled look. "Would it be okay to make a hypnosis ring to use on my Housemates? They keep stealing my stuff. You'd really think that a House based around wit would know better than to pick on the crazy girl with the big honken space gun."

"SOON THEY TOO SHALL LEARN!"

Lightning flashed dramatically as together they both indulged in high class, gender specific, evil laughter.


	48. They're Gonna Party Like It's 1699

**They're gonna party like it's 1699**

* * *

In his Dark Lair ™, the Rodent of Death noticed something was wrong. He'd been having the feeling for some time, lurking in the back of his mind, but it was seemingly out of his grasp. He glanced around and looked up at Mulciber.

"Hey," the Dark Lord of Dead Rodents said, "has anybody seen Malfoy lately?"

"No, my lord," the black robed minion replied.

"Let's see... broke my most loyal and still living out of Azkaban, or at least Bellatrix says I did. I don't really remember. Check," the Rodent of Death said, ticking it off his fingers. "Invaded My Arch-Nemesisisises mind. Check. Got obliviated on my own order. Check, not that I remember. Sent out my minions for the complete Golden Girls DVD box set with extended extras. Check. Indulged in some fast food pseudo-Mexican sustenance. Check. There's something I'm forgetting."

"Taking the prophesy from the Department of Mysteries?" Mulciber suggested, hoping that speaking up didn't earn him a bout of magical torture.

"A prophesy? Why the hell would I do that? That sounds like a stupid plan!" the Rodent of Death replied.

"As you say, my Lord," Mulciber replied diplomatically.

"Nah, I'm gonna have a party," the Rodent of Death continued, ignoring his minion's presence completely. "It's gonna be a great party!"

"I'll send out the invitations immediately," Crabbe said.

"Invitations?" The Rodent formerly known as Voldemort asked in a confused tone.

"For party guests," Crabbe replied. "I have best penmanship in Death Eaters."

"I was thinking we just show up, party until the sun comes up, then leave," the Rodent countered. He turned to Bellatrix (who was looking on worriedly). "Invitations? Really?"

She just shrugged.

"No invitations, we party. Don't forget to bring your masks!" the Rodent declared excitedly. "Can't be a party without the masks."

"You mean...?" Bellatrix said with a growing grin.

"Of course I mean," the rodent replied. "Unless you mean something else entirely. At which point I don't mean."

"A revel? No more hiding in the shadows doing nothing? A real revel? Just like the old days?" Mulciber asked incredulously.

"A party!" The Rodent of Death corrected sternly.

"Right, whatever you say, boss!" Mulciber replied with a sharp salute!

And there was much rejoicing.

* * *

Punisher's War Journal

I don't know what happened, but as soon as I was ready to begin my assault on Voldemort's compound, they all used magic to vanish. I can only conclude that my intell has somehow been compromised. The only thing to do is blow the headquarters to hell and gone then go back to having another chat with my old friend Lucius.

* * *

"Lucius, Lucius, Lucius," Frank said as he walked around the chair. "I thought we had an understanding."

"C is for cookie," Lucius replied madly. "That's good enough for me! C is for cookie!"

"CM had better not have betrayed me," Frank Castle muttered under his breath, turning towards the "nom-nom-nom-nom" coming from the kitchen.

* * *

"This is so peaceful," Jean said with a contented sigh.

"We're fighting the new version of sentinels," Scott countered as he dodged a giant purple hand trying to turn him into cyclopian paste.

"I know, but there's something about destroying giant killer robots that is so relaxing," his wife replied, absently flicking one purple robot with telekinesis and separating its head from its body.

"I think it's because Harry's not here right now," Scott Summers replied as he blasted another with a bright red beam.

"Are you sure? Because normally I worry about what he's gotten into," Jean said as she summoned up the Phoenix Force and reducing the Sentinels into their elemental components.

"You know, honey, I really don't think red is your color," Scott said nervously. "Maybe you should go back to the green costume."

"Are you sure?" she asked. The other X-Men looked at her worriedly. There was a silent moment broken only by the rumbling of her stomach. "Gosh, I'm hungry enough to eat a star system."

"Yes, very sure. Red clashes with your hair, anyway," Husk said, pushing the older woman towards the Blackbird jet. "Green costume, maybe some calming oils for a long, hot bath and a nice big salad."

"You know, that sounds great," Jean agreed.

Scott stared after them and started to rub his temples to work the ache out. Puffing on a cigar, Wolverine clapped him on the back.

"She chose you, Cyke," the hirsute mutant said. "She chose you."

"You know, I bet it's because Harry's not here to focus her rage on," Scott pondered absently.

Logan paused and thought about it. "You know, you're probably right about that."

* * *

At Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, all was not quite so well.

"HARRY POTTER! HOW DARE YOU SET ME UP WITH A SEMI-SENTIENT ROBOT VERSION OF MYSELF!" Hermione Granger bellowed. Curses flew down the corridor as Hermione, who was still struggling to extricate herself from her clingy LMD dressed up in red, yellow and green, tried her level best to destroy the source of 90% of her life's suffering.

"Harry flee puny Crimson Witch," Harry the Allosaurus said (wearing only a pair of tattered purple pants) worriedly as he charged down the corridor, eliciting screams from those students and faculty who were doing their best to get out of the way, his massive body and gigantic feet making the castle shake with each frantic step.

"Don't kill him! I still have a lot of uses for him!" Pixie called out as she flew after Hurricane Hermione.

"See? He told you that you'd eventually go insane and try to kill the rest of the team, after you got involved with a robot," Wonder-Mutant-Dad said, popping out from the shadows. "Do I know my son or what?"

"I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL!" Hermione swore at the top of her lungs, sending out spells from her wand that most people would never seen before and others no one had, because the witch was making them up as she went along. Wonder-Mutant-Dad was hit by a mauve curse that turned him inside out, then into a fish, then into a peanut then back into himself, or at least a version of himself.

"My doorknobs! You ruined my doorknobs!" Wonder-Mutant-Dad aka Deadpool aka Wade Wilson exclaimed in horror.

"Hmm..." Luna Lovegood said as she saw what was going on. "It seems I have some unanticipated competition."

"DON'T WORRY, THIS CAN'T BE HALF AS BAD AS THE ORIGINAL EVENT," Doom said. "DOOM PERSONALLY OBESRVED SPIDER-MAN TURN INTO A SPIDER ONLY TO GIVE BIRTH TO HIMSELF. THIS CANNOT POSSIBLY BE AS BAD."

"Very true," Luna replied. "Do you think we can go back to working on my orbital death ray cannon?"

"DOOM WOULD BE DELIGHTED TO," the not-so-good Doctor replied.

* * *

Harry banked slightly as he went into a turn slightly too fast for his gigantic frame. "Owe! Harry smash puny Hogwarts unintentionally."

"Hey! Be careful!" Captain Magic Marvell aka, Cedric Diggory cautioned. "We need to escape too!"

"Thou must trust Good Harry, for he hath saved thy life twice now," Neville Longbottom, Warrior of Asgard intoned. He wisely ducked as a spell made a nearby gargoyle turn into a fluffy pink rabbit with nasty big pointy teeth. "Though I doth be most confused by his choice of robot. Why chooseth one which doth look so much like Lady Hermione?"

"He said it had something to do with it being the only way he could put her into a quasi-incestuous relationship," Cedric answered. "Something about how she was an only child and how there isn't any quicksilver to fill in the blanks. I'm not sure what Mercury has to do with anything and I'm not sure why that's important, but he seemed to think it was."

"Ah, but allow us to focus on flight and safe passage," Neville replied.

"Easy for you to say!" Aluminum Lad said as he struggled to keep up with the massive strides of Harry the Allosaurus. "She's trying to curse me and I didn't even do anything to her this time! You could at least pull me up!"

Half-Giant-Man reached down and grabbed the yellow trashcan and hefted him up onto the back of Harry the Allosaurus.

"MAGIC AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!" Harry called out when they were at the gates of Hogwarts. He looked out and saw a Death Eater party in full swing. "Is that Voldemort skank dancing? He's actually pretty good."

"Wait, what?" Half-Giant-Man asked as they came to sudden halt. Newtonian forces too over and the riders continued on, looking like they were flying into the fray. Half-Giant-Man came down like a ton of lead on Dolohov's tuckus. Captain Magic Marvel flew, in full costume, fists out, into Mulciber who let out a sound of pain as the air left his lungs.

"See Readers? Isn't this what you were waiting for all along?" Wonder-Mutant-Dad asked the readers. "A good, old fashioned, Us VS. Them battle to the finish?"

"YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT OUT OF HERE ALIVE!" Hermione bellowed, prompting the Death Eaters to suddenly worry that Hogsmeade might not have been the best place to have their party.

"Or not," Wonder-Mutant-Dad said worriedly, as the Crimson Witch summoned up a gigantic golem the shape of Galactus that started stomping on people.

Captain Hogwarts threw his shield, blocking a killing curse headed right for the irate Crimson Witch. The shield bounced off a window, sending a wave of broken glass down on Goyle's head, before slamming into Mulciber's head just as Neville brought his sword up to cleave Bellatrix in two. The shield provided enough of a distraction for the witch to get out of the way, letting Neville's sword pass cleanly through a new recruit. Ron, still disguised as Captain Hogwarts, ran up grabbed the shield and started to bash people in skull masks until they fell unconscious.

"Crap!" Aluminum Lad said. "I'm not even supposed to be here today!"

Unfortunately for Draco Malfoy, guilt by association was in effect and a number of irate Death Eaters started after the trashcan wearing boy, blaming him for breaking up their party. He ran screaming, the Death Eaters charging after him, which lead them perfectly in Hermione Granger's line of fire. The five nameless Death Eaters were quickly turned into sea slugs, wriggling in suffering as they tried in vain to absorb oxygen.

The Incredible Harry the Allosaurus was just gleefully stomping on Death Eaters with his big, giant scaly feet.

"HARRY! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" the entire Magic Avengers called out as they struggled with their foes.

"Dad! Even you?" the Dinosauramagis asked in a pained voice. Well, as pained as a wizard transformed into a dinosaur can sound.

"You made me lose my doorknobs!"

"Okay, I'll give you that one."


End file.
